Thank God for marathons. Without them, we’d have never encountered this week’s petty Tyler incident on The Real World: Key West. Yes, the prissiest bitch on reality TV dared to take on the West Palm Beach marathon — a full twenty-six miles of grit, pain, and social exclusion. What was that? Exclusion? Turns out that Tyler only invited half the house to watch his Chariots of Fire moment, and just as he was surely hoping, this resulted in the outcasts fighting, shouting, and seething with rage. But who cares, really? As long as Tyler remains the center of activity, it doesn’t matter how many people’s feelings get hurt. Low-life bitches.This week’s episode started off with Tyler getting ready for a marathon, and guess what? He was so proud of himself for doing this! Shocker, right? “It’s probably one of the most arduous athletic endeavors for an athlete to partake,” he said, adding, “If only Amanda Beard were here to see me in all my glory.”
Unfortunately, even though the marathon was a huge task, Tyler had been somewhat of a delinquent with the training. He told us that he hadn’t been able to really get out and run a lot because of all the hurricanes. Perhaps he should write a nasty note to Wilma: “You should have stayed in the Caribbean, you low-life bitch hurricane!”
We then saw Tyler running on the beach, his ass perilously close to falling out of his bathing suit. As he dazzled all the local beach-goers with his speedy waddle, he then told us that most people train a year for a marathon, but he was just throwing himself into it instead. Because he’s just that good!
Later, Tyler’s friend Scottie told him on the phone that his voice sounded abnormal. Tyler said he was nervous because he hasn’t been training hard, but not to fear: he’d already commenced an extensive burn book about his larynx. Ultimately, Scottie reminded Tyler of one very important thing: “Don’t go out too fast!” Apparently Tyler had been too speedy during the Boston Marathon, and as a result, he was absolutely dead by the end. Hey Tyler, you should have slowed down your pace, YOU LOW-LIFE, WANNABE FAST BITCH!
Just when we thought we couldn’t possibly get any more marathon pontificating, Tyler then told us that doctors don’t let people run more than two a year because it’s so bad for the human body. However, Tyler then noted that the sense of accomplishment during and after is “beyond compare.” Yes, it can only be trumped by the sheer rush that comes from creating a masterpiece like RED GOD!!! By the way, there’s something that’s bothered me about Tyler all season long, and I’ve had trouble pinpointing it. I think I finally know what it is though: he always speaks to us like he’s applying for college. It seems like he’s always trumpeting the importance of experience in a really showy way — the joy of visiting an Olympic stadium, the sense of accomplishment that comes from a marathon. Hey Tyler. Tufts is over. You can stop now.
Meanwhile, as Tyler patted himself on the back for a job soon-to-be well done, Janelle rode with Jose in a car and told us, “I think Jose is such a nice, friendly guy.” Wait, I thought she hated him? Am I crazy? Anyway, Janelle went on to say, “I just wish that he would step out of the shadow and be his own person.” Amen sister. We’ve been waiting all season. Every now and then, Jose seems like he’s going to step up and make an impression, but next thing you know, he’s sitting quietly by a stoop, waiting for someone to pick him up at the gym.
Anyway, Jose told Janelle that he’s just a private sort of guy, and compared to everyone else being so outgoing, he tends to look clammed up. Still, Janelle reiterated that she wanted him to “step out.” You know, that way she and Tyler could harp on him more. They really haven’t been able to gang up on him to the fullest extent. And that makes them failures.
Later, as a few people hung out in the kitchen, Zach told Tyler how excited he was to see the marathon. Yes, it was going to be a fun time for all the roomies. Well, not all the roomies. Tyler suddenly turned to John and said, “So John, I don’t want to be offensive to you, Svetlana, or um–”
And without needing him to finish his thought, John replied, “But you don’t want me to come to the marathon. I wasn’t gonna go anyways, dude. It’s cool.” Of course, by the tone of his voice, we could tell that John totally wanted to go to the marathon, which meant that this was soon gonna turn into a commotion. Sure enough, Tyler then explained that he was just gonna go with Jose because he had said that he wanted to go. Oh, and Paula and Zach too because they’d also expressed interest. But as for the rest, smell ya later!
“Zach, myself, Paula, and Jose going to West Palm Beach for the marathon — they could share in this experience, and they wouldn’t try to steal the attention for one reason or another,” Tyler told us condescendingly. Translation: the spotlight will stay on MEEEEE!!! AND ONLY MEEE!!!!
Anyway, John was pretty annoyed at this point, mostly because there had been all this planning, and yet this was the first he’d heard of it. Clearly he didn’t realize that HE was supposed to fawn over Tyler if he wanted to be included. Well, if you thought John was pissy, it was nothing compared to Janelle (of course), and let me say, she had every right to be pissed. She was allegedly Tyler’s best friend in the house, and yet he didn’t want her there? I’m sure she probably never vocalized wanting to go to the marathon because she just assumed that he’d know that already. And yes, I am taking Janelle’s side on something (truth be told, she’s been better the past few weeks).
Well, Janelle was livid — saying the idea of going to the marathon was never even proposed to her. “I’m not going to invite myself where I wasn’t previously invited to,” she said, employing some dubious grammar. Jose tried to smooth things over by saying, “He didn’t invite me. He just said he was going to be running the marathon–”
“Exactly. So you knew!” Janelle interrupted, her point being that she couldn’t have expressed interest if she didn’t even know about the marathon.
Tyler then tried to justify everything again by saying, “This isn’t invite only.” Uh, actually it is. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be an issue if uninvited people came along. Maybe the proper wording would be “Invite encouraged.”
Well, all this drama was getting to be too much for poor Tyler. “This is exactly what I didn’t want to deal with,” he said, adding, “Why must people always be so upset when I treat them obnoxiously? Ugh. I’m so much more mature. I’m really gaining a lot from this experience.”
Anyway, Janelle then replied, “From my perspective, the way it looks, it’s… this is invite only.” Now why would you say that, Janelle? Because you weren’t invited? Psssht.
Tyler then responded, “I’m sorry I didn’t invite you, but–” AHA! So it was invite-only after al! But excuse me, I interrupted. As you were saying, Tyler.
“I’m sorry I didn’t invite you, but we’ve had a very busy couple of days,” he said. And yes, that is the fresh stink of bullshit coming from your television. Luckily, Janelle was not about to take any of it.
“And it takes so much time to talk to one of your closest friends,” she retorted sarcastically. She then revealed that she really wanted to support one of her closest friends in the house. Too bad bitch. Not your decision.
“This isn’t about you, and this isn’t about anyone’s feelings. This is about me trying to run a twenty-six mile marathon,” Tyler barked back. So basically, even though she’s hurt and all, the only person that matters here is quite literally Tyler. I’d also like to add that having Janelle at the marathon taking up about two feet of a 137,280 foot course would be really, really distracting.
Anyway, when Tyler said that this was about him trying to run the marathon, Janelle was not happy. “Hey, I know this is about you,” she said bitingly.
“You know what?” he snipped back. “I am inconsiderate, and your bitch ass is too!” It’s what we’ve been saying all season…
Talk to the hand…
Tyler then accused Janelle of acting like a victim, which was funny considering it was he who was acting like he might be the casualty of too many adoring fans cheering him on. The two went at it for a little while, happily using the phrase “Don’t go there with me” in many different ways until finally, Janelle put her hand out and said, “Don’t worry about it. Stop there. And leave the subject alone.” Of course, she didn’t leave the subject alone. Instead, she went into another room and seethed, “Tyler is dunzo in my book. Dunzo.” Nice use of Laguna speech, Janelle! Hey, with this and the cool way she handled her ex last week and the friendly way she tried to make Svet and Tyler friends the week before that, I think I might be warming up to the girl. Yay Janelle!
But then again, I can’t act like I don’t snicker every time she says something silly. For example, she told us, “Do whatever you want to do, and I’m not gonna sit and judge your decisions, but expect a response.” Yes, she basically just said, “I won’t judge you, but I’ll judge you.” Either way, I think I understood what she was saying — every action has a reaction — and of course Tyler’s reaction to that was probably “You should have kept your action/reaction thinking in physics, you low-life philosophical BITCH!”
After the break, it was time for Tyler and his exclusive clan of marathon supporters to head off to West Palm beach, but first, he decided to write a letter to Janelle and John about the whole situation. (Note that Svetlana got nothing). We didn’t get to read the letter, but I imagine it probably started “Dear Bitches. Today is about ME! Respect!” Okay, maybe he didn’t say that, but Tyler told us that he apologized for the way everything had turned out, but he was not sorry that he didn’t invite them. You know, because he’s a dick. And yes, we were watching a college graduate and not a seventh grader.
Anyway, the group drove off to West Palm Beach, and Paula chimed in with her enthusiasm over the event. She said she was simply excited to say, “Go Tyler! You can do this!” And of course, she would follow that up with, “KISS MY ASS, MARATHON! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!”
As the gang drove down the highway, Paula then pondered when she’d get to do a marathon. Tyler scoffed and told her to gain twenty pounds, to which she replied in her baby voice, “Nuh uh. They’ve got real skinny people doing it!” She then realized that a marathon involved running and not starving and immediately retracted her statement.
Ultimately, Tyler informed everyone, “Do not do what I’m about to do.” He then added, “Seriously. Don’t steal my glory. Only I can run marathons. Me. Me. Me.” Okay, he didn’t actually say that, but I’m sure he was dying to. Later at dinner, Jose put on his High School Student Reporter voice and asked Ty-Ty where he got the motivation to do things in life. Tyler of course leapt at this chance to talk about himself and said, “I’m miserable and depressed unless I’m like being proactive in my life, accomplishing something. I have to be achieving or else I won’t be happy with myself.” Seriously, if he hasn’t completed a burn book in two months’ time, he enters a deep, unforgiving depression. And by the way, nothing says “achievement” like sitting around a house for five months on TV.
Well, this may have been Tyler’s moment to shine, but it was Jose who stole the spotlight. The lovable ragamuffin suddenly opened up about his past, saying how he always viewed himself as the underdog — his mom had him at seventeen, he was a welfare baby, and he grew up in the slums. This caused Paula to emit a small, empathetic “Damn…” Tyler, on the other hand, was silent. Either he was appreciating this meaningful experience for future use in a speech about how he appreciates meaningful experiences, or he was quietly seething. This was his trip, dammit! Jose’s been quiet all season long, and now he decides to open up and have the more moving childhood story on Tyler’s big weekend??? Screw you, Jose! You should have stayed in Key West, you low-life welfare baby bitch!
“I can’t believe that no one’s paying attention to me right now.”
Anyway, Jose then told his roommates that his alcoholic dad wouldn’t help him get a car, telling his son, “Who do you think you are? You’re nothing! You’re going to be a piece of shit just like me!” Wow. Poor Jose. You’d never think he had come from that background. Maybe he’ll snap and kill everyone someday. Either way, his issues clearly trump everyone else’s now. Take THAT, Tyler and your “My daddy wanted me to play hockey, but I wanted to swim instead” sob story.
Later at the hotel, Tyler worked out some last minute details for his marathon, debating whether or not he should cross the finish line with a fist pump or a jazz hands. “You already do that pose,” Paula and Zach laughed when he tried to demonstrate his technique. I didn’t know which he’d use, but I was gonna put my money on the old grab-the-camera-by-the-lens-and-yell-LOOK-AT-ME!!! pose.
The next morning at 5 AM, a nervous Tyler dragged his feet to the car. Turns out his stomach was hurting thanks to all the anxiety over the race. Well, it was that and his not-good-for-marathons dinner the night before. “He ate meat balls. He ate a sauced pasta dish with bread and oil,” Zach said. Yes, Tyler may have eaten all those things, BUT maybe that’s because he was so busy appreciating this meaningful experience that he full-on forgot to be wary of his diet. Besides, Zach should know better than to question Tyler’s judgment on something. Tyler’s always right, dammit!
Well, the good news was that Tyler threw up in the bathroom and now felt ready to compete. Luckily, he refrained from blowing chunks in the car. “That would have been a mess!” he noted. Hey vomit, you should have stayed in Tyler’s stomach, you low-life regurgitated bitch!
Tyler soon took his place at the starting line and told us he was ever so excited because he knew he had “a huge character test in front of me.” Well, this was more of a physical and mental endurance test. His time in Key West has been more of the character test, which so far, he’s failed pretty miserably.
Anyway, after the break, we found Tyler chugging along in the marathon, doing his waddle-run for thirteen miles, which really is quite impressive in and of itself — especially considering that my pace is more like sitting-in-a-chair. Nevertheless, as Tyler crossed the halfway point, he also passed his gang cheering him on. Yes, it was two seconds of cheer-tastic love. Thank goodness John and Janelle and Svetlana weren’t there! They would have ruined the whole thing!
Well, Tyler began to pick up his pace, soon flying by mile fifteen, then seventeen, and then nineteen. Yes, it was an effort that even Amanda Beard would have loved, but at mile twenty-three, with the finish line in sight, Tyler’s knee suddenly gave out. Would this be the end of his marathon dream? Not quite. The roommates all found him bent over, dealing with a medic, and through their positive spirit and boundless cheering, they motivated him to get up and run like a bunny! Plus, in a sign of cheesy but sweet solidarity, the gang ran with Tyler, letting him know that they all could do it together (insert Awww here). Personally, I’d be like “I didn’t come here to run. I came to stand and watch. See you at the finish line.”
With the catchy tunes of the All American Rejects playing in the background, Tyler eventually hobbled across the finish line with the impressive time of four hours, forty minutes, and forty-three seconds. By the power of RED GOD, that was a good time! At least, compared to my estimated time: twelve hours and thirty-four minutes.
In the end, Tyler learned a Very Important Lesson. He couldn’t just achieve things all on his own. Sometimes, he needed to ask for help, and that’s OKAY! “You know what Tyler?” he said in the third-person, “You need your roommates. You need them to help you.” And then, in a move that showed true growth, he wrote a burn book about his stubborn independence. Baby steps — or in the case of Tyler — baby waddles.
Meanwhile, back at the homestead, Janelle and John were not happy with the letters Tyler had written them. Huh. I wonder why. Maybe it’s because Tyler had written things like “I assumed that if you guys wanted to go, you would have come to me like the others.” Of course, Janelle keenly noted that with the other roommates, the subject of the marathon must have been voiced to them in some fashion, and as a result, they said “Yeah, we’d like to go.” Either way, both she and John were pissed that at no point in the letter was there any semblance of an apology. Just more lame justifications.
Later, as Tyler soaked in a bath upstairs, he talked again about how proud he was to hear Jose open up. This prompted Paula to say, “Damn Jose. You’re awesome.” She then added, “That being said, KISS MY ASS!!! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS, YOU AWESOME, AWESOME MAN!!!”
Tyler then happily commented, “It was a bonding weekend for the four of us,” which would have been nice had it not been at the expense of John, Janelle, and Svetlana’s feelings. I couldn’t help feeling like he was glad to have not only bonded with Zach, Jose, and Paula, but to have excluded the other three from the experience. Well, at a bar in downtown, John and Janelle complained more about Tyler, with John saying he was tired of being disappointed, and Janelle saying she wanted to teach Tyler how to be considerate of other people. I was really hoping this would all boil over in another argument, but I had a bad feeling this was all just going to peter out, especially when Janelle told us, “I’m really not the type of person to hold onto grudges, especially when it comes to close friends.” Yes, instead, she prefers to stare at people with a haughty look before rolling her eyes and marching away.
Anyway, the next day, Tyler waltzed out into the backyard, wearing glitter on his leg to see how it would look in the sun. Janelle, who was stretched out in a nearby cabana, called her boy over and said that the letter he had written was… “very nice.” Huh? What? C’mon, Janelle. That’s the best you can do? No head swivel? No finger wagging? I thought you hated the letter. Pushover!
Well, Janelle and Tyler had a nice little talk about the whole incident, and ultimately, she concluded that talking about problems resolves them. Wow! And with that, my Tivo put me out of my misery and cut off the episode. I don’t know how things ended up, but I imagine that from this point out, Tyler will always make sure to write his letter BEFORE he rudely excludes his friends from something, not AFTER.
What did you think about this episode?