Real World: Mardi Gras, Glitter Bras, and…Jesus?

Alright dolls, confession time – I found this Real World recap really difficult to write. There was a lot of anti-gay hate flying around, courtesy of Trasha and Cow. Considering about twenty-five percent of my entourage is gay guys, I was troubled. I called Flipit to try and weasel out of it. They’re ignorant, I whined, and I don’t see anything funny about it. It’s just sad. What else can I say about it? “Skewer ‘em”, he replied. And that dolls, is why Flippy’s my boy.

The producers waste no time in shoving today’s conflicted plotline down our throats, with the news that it’s Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras! Isaac’s interested. He’s got props, you see, and Gay Mardi Gras 2007 is the perfect opportunity to wear his props and fit in at the same time. I have no idea what kind of “props” we’re talking about here, but cause I’ve already seen the jumpsuit I’m a little nervous to find out.

Dumby is surprisingly excited about this “twisted” Mardi Gras – the only Mardi Gras he knows is about beads and boobs. Cow doesn’t know if he wants to go. KA asks why not, and Isaac says because he’s scared of gay people. Cow denies it, but warns the group that if he does decide to grace them with his presence, they need to walk with him at all times so people will know he’s not gay. Not that gay people scare him or anything.

Then we see Trasha at her computer, reading an email from her Dad that made her cry. The gist of it was, you’re a Christian, which makes you better than anyone else in the house, so make sure and do lots and lots of preaching to this effect – you’re roommates are very lucky that they have you to show them the way and lead them from sin.

All this makes me think is that her Dad is in a deluded haze of self-righteousness cleverly disguised as faith, but it makes Trasha think her Dad is amazing. Well, different strokes, I guess. KA points out that perhaps such a good Christian wouldn’t be going out getting drunk every night. I yell at the TV that she wouldn’t be having evil, sinful sex either, but Trasha seems like the kind of believer who’s really selective about which of God’s rules apply to her.

Way to ignore the no two tone skunk skank hair commandment.

And she gets right to that topical preaching, telling us that she has gay friends, and they don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with it, but in God’s eyes, a sin is a sin. Don’t worry though, Trasha’s Daddy also taught her to hate the sin, but not the sinner. Not really sure how that one works exactly, but I’m guessing it ends with all gay people going to hell.

Well, with that bit of uppity out of the way, she goes for a game of pool with Cow. She calls him a dumbass, and he threatens to shove a pool stick up her ass. I’m sure God would just love that kind of talk. Cow tells us that he and Trash have been getting along really well lately, which means they should be hating each other in, oh, approximately 27 minutes from now.

I don’t know how long the roomies have been in Sydney, but they finally get around to going out and being tourists. Dumby says something mean to Parisa in the car, but I think his insults are losing steam. They hit all the hot spots, like the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge. As Trash, Cow and KA are walking along, Trash asks where Parisa and Shauvon are. Either nobody hears her, or nobody’s listening, cause she asks the question again, only this time she includes a nasty comment about how she’d love to ask a question and not have to repeat herself.

Then Trasha declares that she’s not going to talk anymore, because she feels like she gets ripped for everything she says. Well, stop saying mean, judgmental things and maybe that won’t happen anymore. Trasha is having a really hard time adjusting to the fact that Sydney ain’t Fresno, and her brand of bitchy intimidation doesn’t travel well.

Cow walks away, cause he’s had quite enough of Trasha. He complains to Isaac about her, and mentions that every time she opens her mouth, he wants to stick a pacifier in it. For all my bitching, this recap is practically writing itself.

Ah, well. No pacifier around. Thank God for the pool stick.

As they stroll around the Quay (pronounced KEY, which I never really understood) Trasha manages to find some kind of Christian music concert. She hears her favorite church song EVER, and goes over to listen. KA goes along with her and at first I think she’s being a nice girl and a good sport, but then she starts rocking out and singing along really loudly.

This is why I like KA. First of all, she’s not afraid to sing along with church music on the street. Second, she has a very sweet voice. Third, she’s probably just as Christian as Trash, only she doesn’t seem to have the need to throw it in everyone’s face every five minutes.

Meanwhile Trasha’s tearing up behind her fake Chanel sunglasses. She claims she’s upset because in her heart, God is telling her that this isn’t her. Partying and going to gay Mardi Gras are not the real Trasha. Listen closer, Trash. Maybe God’s also telling you to be a nicer person.

God doesn’t look too kindly upon fake Chanel. Change your ways, girl!

Personally, I think she’s crying cause she’s starting to realize that she’s not the queen bee in the rest of the world like she is in Fresno. Don’t fret dear, Dumby had a similar revelation last week, and he’s starting to come around. But more on that later.

Isaac is dispatched to retrieve God’s songbirds, but he can not tear Trasha away. KA stands by supportively, and Cow stands by in a camouflage hat and reflector shades. At first I think, well no one’s gonna be mistaking you for gay in that getup, but then I remember the gay bar my friend took me to in Georgia where we encountered a middle aged trucker in the trucker hat (for trucking, not for fashion, cause it’s not fashion, you hear me Dumby?) who lip synched a George Michael song to us from across the bar. I swear.

In car ride home, Trasha is crying and very upset about the prospect of the gay Mardi Gras party. She feels it’s encouraging gay people to do what they want. Because of her religion, she thinks it’s wrong. Gay people should be locked up in cages, along with Muslims, Jews and Negros.

She cries and cries and Isaac tries to be nice, but Trasha just snaps that he’s the last person who would understand. But I think he articulates it well when he says that she’s sad because she has the urge to do something she believes is sinful. Parisa tells her if it makes her feel better, the entire Muslim community would stone her. Not the gay ones, pipes in the voice of reason, otherwise known as….Isaac. Yes, Isaac.

Once they get home and start getting ready to go out, Cow tells us that he doesn’t want to go to gay Mardi Gras. KA starts off getting ready with the group, but halfway into her tiny skirt she decides that she doesn’t want to be slutty, cause it’s tacky. I don’t follow that logic at all, but then I realize that it’s really just an excuse to get out of gay Mardi Gras. She asks Trasha if she just wants to go to a pub and talk, and Trasha readily agrees.

Woah. Huh? That’s the spirit!

Meanwhile, in what may be the most shocking move in Real World history, Confederate Dumby is ripping a huge V-neck in his t-shirt. I’m beyond confused. Is this a closet case, or can this good ‘ol boy actually be a friend of the Marys? This is what the guys out here wear anyway, he says. Wait, did Dumby just make fun of the way Australian guys dress? If so, then we have something in common, and that scares me.

Parisa wants him to show more bicep. Then she comments that he’s very good at gaying up. How do you think I paid for school, he asks. OK now, this is really starting to freak me out. First he’s making bitchy comments about other people’s clothes that I agree with, then he makes a self-deprecating joke? Is this a parallel Real World?

The holy Christians are downstairs preaching away. Cow was just brought up differently, he tells us, with God in his life. Yup, that’s right, no God for gay people. You’ve got to stand up for what you believe in, he continues. Which, I believe, is the very thing the gay Mardi Gras crowd is doing, but if there’s one thing the holy rollers know how to do, it’s mold an argument to only apply to them.

Then Cow says, “I’ll go along with anything, but there’s a limit.” Does it involve the pool stick? He concludes the most illogical argument ever by saying that in the end, it’s not even a gay thing, it’s just that it’s 750,000 people, and that’s too much. Cow, if you’re going to be a prejudiced ass, then be a prejudiced ass. None of this halfway shit.

Trasha is thrilled. An hour earlier, she was mad at Cow for not listening to her, but now that he’s spewing her kind of hate, he’s back on Team Trash. And KA thinks the 750,000 people sounds like the fun part. I think KA wanted to go to the gay Mardi Gras, but just couldn’t go through with it. Don’t be afraid, KA. ChickBomb has been a proud hag for many, many years now.

The editors play 80′s arena staple Pour Some Sugar On Me while the sinners get ready. I would have chosen YMCA for that dub, but whatever. Parisa makes lipstick kisses all over Dumby, which I’m sure was the real highlight of the experience for her. She and Shauvon are tarted up to the max.

Isaac is decked out in a scuba snorkel, a tiara and roller skates. Not really sure how the snorkel fits in with the gay theme, but the rest of the ensemble makes me laugh my ass off. Great, now on top of all the gay bashing, I’ve got to deal with finding Isaac likeable and amusing. Thank you very fucking much.

Pivotal outfit. See what gay pride can do for a relationship?

Someone wonders where Cow is – praying for them? He better be, cause dressing up in silly, colorful costumes and hanging with boys who like boys is a guaranteed one way ticket to HELL. Parisa reminds us that she’s from New York and misses the diversity. Oh, while we’re on it, let’s poke one more hole in Trasha and Cow’s homophobic rowboat that is now nearly hemorrhaging water – Muslims are no bigger fans of gays than Christians are, but you don’t see Parisa using her religion as an excuse for bigotry.

When they get to the parade, Isaac roller skates through the crowd, and he’s a huge hit. Dumby is glad that Trasha didn’t come. Shauvon is hurt and offended by Trasha’s issues with gay people, but sad that Trash is missing the experience. And seriously, has Trasha even watched the Real World before? The biggest surprise of the season so far (besides Dumby’s gaying it up) was that there was no gay kid in the cast. Who comes on this show to keep their mind locked up tight? Has she come to the Real World house to preach her gospel of intolerance?

They also notice some banners that say “We’re Here, We’re Queer, and God Loves Us” and “Gay Catholics”. The sinners take pictures to show to the holier-than-you-are roomies back home, who are no doubt using their time not spent on sinning to do the real Christian work of goodwill toward mankind.

Where’s Trasha?

Or not. While the sinners are off on their crazy tolerance adventure, Trash, KA and Cow are going out to dinner. Trash is wearing a short little dress, and I guess Cow flips up her skirt and shows her panties. I’m not sure if I got that part right though, cause that was a pretty ridiculous thing to do. I would have been annoyed myself, but Trasha really flips out. Good God, woman says Country. Trasha bitches that Cow doesn’t know when he’s in the wrong.

KA stands up for Cow, but Trasha doesn’t hear a word cause it’s the PRINCIPLE of the matter, you see. If there’s one other thing a holy roller knows all about, it’s principle. Do you know what that means, she sneers at him? Do you comprehend? You’re not listening, she concludes. Hey Trash, when no one listens to you, there’s your first clue that you’re an ornery little witch, and perhaps you should think before you speak. Again, Dumby tried it last week, and it kind of worked for him. And damn you for making me use him as a positive example.

KA just sits there looking bummed out. She missed having fun with everyone else for this? She’s quick though, and before I get a chance to call her out for choosing the hater spewers over the fun loving gays, she says she knows it was her choice. Then she tells us that this is hell. They have brought her to hell. Isn’t irony a tasty treat?

Back at the parade, Dumby has chosen gay Mardi Gras as the time to reveal that his grandfather tried to molest him when he was a boy. Shauvon is shocked to hear the confession. You’re telling me. I mean, it certainly explains a lot about him, but what a time to unload!

Don’t flatter yourself. He was probably judging your v-neck.

When I pick myself up off the floor, I am delighted to see Dumby having more fun that anyone at gay Mardi Gras, except maybe Isaac, who has literally joined the parade (having a camera crew following you has its benefits) and is waving his rainbow flag around like he’s auditioning for Queer Eye – The Next Generation.

As the sinners head home, they can’t stop talking about how much they loved the parade, and how it was the best parade EVER! Next stop, Halloween in West Hollywood! They decide that as for the preachers back home, it was their loss. But it turns out, KA is regretful. She isn’t scared of going to hell anymore, now that she’s already been there and back with Cow and Trasha.

Trasha is shaving her legs in the tub of the most fabulous bathroom in Sydney. I don’t get this. I multi-task and just do it in the shower. But, I guess keeping a hermetically sealed mind must leave plenty of time to devote to grooming. Shauvon tries to tell her what she missed, but Trash could care less.

Meanwhile, Dumby continues his crusade to make himself seem human, and is opening up to Parisa. His home life was unbearable (Dad beat the crap out of him, as we learned last week), but avoiding his incestuous Grandpa’s advances wasn’t much better. Parisa recognizes that people have let him down a lot, and she understands why he is so hostile.

I myself am feeling a little bad for all the shit I’ve given him so far, but when you sign up for this gig, you’re signing up to become whatever “character” the producers want to make you. Big up to the producers though, for showing us a deeper layer. And a fuck you too, for making me deal with a thoughtful episode. I don’t have these problems with Rock of Love.

Now that there’s how a girl’s supposed to be.

Parisa asks if Dumby wishes it was different for him, but he says no. The hard times have made him a fighter. Because of what he’s been through, he knows he’ll never be balled up in a corner with the world kicking his ass. It’s touching, and I’m furious. Please, Dumby, why are you doing this to me? I can’t take it if the gay bashers are the only ones I have to make fun of.

We wrap up in a bar (Cargo, most likely) with Trasha and Cow agreeing that if one of them says or does something negative, they will tell the other. Well then, Cow tells her, I guess we just won’t be talking much anymore. He mimics her line from the beginning of this episode, saying if he can’t say anything, he just won’t talk. Since pretty much everything either one of them said in the last half hour made me want to vomit, that’s fine by me. I say we trade these two in for a flaming tranny, anyone with me?

Tune in next week when Dumby takes Parisa’s side, and Trasha’s still a bitch. I’m poisoning up my daggers as we speak…see you then!