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Ahhhh. The Real World: Denver. MTV was so kind to air a special sneak peek of tonight’s show this afternoon; so I figured I’d endeavor to post the recap this afternoon since technically, the show’s already aired on national TV. And what a show it was. Granted, it didn’t have the provocative flair of Jenn and Tyree’s incendiary Tyson Beckford brouhaha, and granted, it lacked the heart-pounding suspense of Brooke’s horrifying nail salon odyssey, and granted, Colie was unable to find a single new person to call and share news of her sore throat, but there was still some Grade A stupidity, thanks mostly to Jenn (and to a certain degree, Alex). And honestly, that’s all we need when we watch this show, right?This week’s show began on a gloriously self-deluded note, courtesy of feminism’s new poster child, Jenn. “I’m not attracted to Alex,” she informed us. “I wouldn’t sleep with Alex sober!” This was great to know, but of course, considering that she’s yet to actually appear sober on this show, it was blithely useless information. Still, I appreciated the comment, if only because it surely was foreshadowing some sort of shame spiral involving Alex later on.

Meanwhile, over in the Denver sick bay, Colie was still infesting the living room with her mono germs. Dr. Alex revealed to hoer that he too had suffered from the kissing disease and said that if Colie rested for about a week or two, she should be fine to do whatever (sleep around, make dumb comments, etc.). In the meantime, Colie would have to rely on the comfort of (seven) strangers to take care of her day-to-day upkeep. “I need somebody to bathe me. Can you give me a sponge bath?” she asked Alex in a lazy, Fran Drescher Lite voice. It was probably the most savory moment of this very young new year.

Later on, the roomies received a letter via messenger that gave vague details about their new job. All they knew was that they’d have to put on some long pants and drive to a rural amphitheater where their next challenge would await (quite Road Rules-ish, yes?). Of course, in order to reach this mysterious destination, they’d need cars, but fear not! The roommates were now the proud owners of two brand new JEEP COMPASSES!!! (Cue the Price Is Right music now). And even better, they were parked outside! Well, as you can imagine, the kids poured out of the house like a bunch of roaches set free from a shoe box. Even Colie managed to summon the energy to rise up from her Sick Couch and inspect the new vehicles (guess this means she doesn’t mean that sponge bath anymore).

Well, the guys took one car, and the girls took another, but oops! The girls’ Compass was stick shift, something that not even a ROCKSTAR like Jenn had experience with. As the ladies sputtered and stalled through the cruel streets of downtown Denver, Brooke revealed, “My hands are sweating puddles right now.” If she was this nervous with Jenn driving, just imagine her frazzled state if she were to get lost! IN THE GHETTO (and by ghetto, I mean a few blocks away from the house)!!!!

By the way, random aside, but Colie officially wins the award for most annoying Passenger Seat Sitter, what with her knees all curled up against her chest. Just STOP.

That night, the gang went out to Monarck (SHOCK) where we met a skinny, tattooed bouncer named John. And of course, it wouldn’t be The Real World without a female cast member falling for a bar employee. This time around, it was Jenn, who was completely entranced by John’s warm and complex personality. Okay, she wasn’t so much entranced as she was drunk and in the presence of a penis. “You’re very cute, and I find you very attractive,” she slurred. To be fair, if you get enough drinks in her, she’d say the same thing to a houseplant.

Nevertheless, one look at John’s tattoo sleeve and we knew Jenn would be head over heels for this guy (lest we forget her ear-popping defense of Tyson Beckford and his tats). Sure enough, Jenn practically attached her face onto John’s like a horny lamprey, and soon the two were out on the street where I imagined John must have been having a difficult job fulfilling his bouncer duties. Just before these drunken hormones could go to the next level, however, there was a moment of hesitation as we learned that Jenn actually had someone back home that she truly had recognized that “I sincerely care for.” Yes, she deeply, thoroughly cared for this guy (named Jared), and this was best evidenced by her current smooching of John, and of course, her vaginal offerings to Alex on the second night in Denver. But more on that later…

Ultimately, Jenn justified her not-so-faithful behavior by explaining, “I’m twenty-two years old, and I have a natural human nature of wanting to feel touched and fulfilled.” Nicely rationalized! Although, last time I checked, I’m pretty sure it’s not human nature to be a total, unabashed slut. We then learned from Davis that Jenn’s never been faithful to any of her boyfriends (shock!), which means we probably have her absentee father to thank for that.

Back at the house, Princess Brooke was struggling because she just wanted a good night’s sleep and didn’t want to hear “Jenn and John boning next to me.” Clearly Brooke was blowing this out of proportion. As we later found out, there was no boning involved. It was strictly cunnilingus. I really wish she’d get her facts straight before hurling such hateful and erroneous accusations.

Nevertheless, Brooke continued her Southern Belle tizzy, saying that everyone was getting ass except her, and she could be getting ass too if she wanted it but… well, she trailed off then, realizing that if she said “But I don’t want to look like a slut” she’d be offending all of her roommates to their faces with one fell swoop. Of course, we know the real reason why Brooke hasn’t gotten any: she’s still clearly recovering from the post traumatic stress of getting lost en route to a nail salon. WILL THE NIGHT TERRORS EVER RELENT??

Later on, after John had finished his dining experiences, drunk Jenn playfully clued “The Frat” in on the details of her dalliance. It was all fun and games until Stephen joked, “It’s all about the guy with the tattoo sleeve.” For whatever reason, this sent Jenn off into her usual belligerence as she yelled, “SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!” When will these guys ever learn? There’s to be no mocking of tattoos in her presence!

Jenn then went on to bash Stephen about his lack of booty, maliciously sneering, “You brought condoms for no reason.” I would have loved him to reply with “You brought self-respect for no reason,” but I guess that would have probably gone over her head. Nevertheless, Alex then cracked a joke about how Jenn was referring to her hookup with John as “a date,” causing Jenn to snap back, “You should go suck your own cock for that!”

Alex then replied, “Maybe you should fuck me again.”

Oh SNAAAAP!!!!

It was rude, evil, mean, obnoxious, awful, misogynist, flat-out wrong to say, and yet absolutely perfect. Normally, I wouldn’t ever encourage anyone to say that to a woman, but seeing how Jenn seems to be the mistress of self-delusion and passing the buck, it was highly entertaining seeing this sordid chapter of her life pushed back in her face. She immediately went off on him, calling him an ignorant asshole (not sure what he was being ignorant about — maybe her promiscuous shame?), but then Jenn did what she does best: release herself from all personal responsibility:

“I can tell you right now. The bottle spoke for me. It made my decisions, and I honestly wouldn’t have made the same decisions sober.” Well, there you have it! Jenn’s not a slut — she was only held captive under the mighty spell of The Bottle and its Mysterious Elixir! And if you have any comments about this, please direct them here:

Jenn

c/o The Bottle

6738 Idiot Drive

Walnut Creek, CA 94597

(The Bottle speaks for her. It makes her decisions)

Jenn then continued her rampage, saying that she didn’t want to have sex with Alex ever again and that she didn’t find him attractive in the least. Furthermore, if he were to make a joke about it one more time, “I’ll belittle you a little bit more.” Heavens no! She’ll belittle him A LITTLE MORE!!!

For his part, Alex was also refusing to take any responsibility, trivializing the whole fight down to “I say this one little thing and then BOOM!” Yeah, um, it wasn’t just “one little thing.” You pretty much called the girl a whore. And as we all know, she’s actually just a ROCKSTAR!!!!!!

The next morning, Jenn was still livid. “That’s the rudest thing to ever do,” she announced, adding “How could someone throw my lack of personal responsibility back in my face? That’s so unfair! Pass me the Merlot.”

Alex meanwhile felt pretty awful and wanted to apologize, but not too soon. He’d have a heart-to-heart with Jenn after work, which is where everyone was headed off to that morning. Well, not everyone. Colie had to stay back and wallow in her mono hell. The rest of the gang, however, drove three hours away to a rural amphitheater where they then had to hike through the woods to a pile of hard hats. Along the way, Tyree made his random pop cultural reference of the week, declaring, “I don’t like grizzly bears. I don’t like polar bears. I don’t like Paddington Bear.” To be fair, thirteen people were mauled to death by Paddington Bear last year.

Once everyone had their hard hats on, a rope fell from on high, as well as a general anxiety. Would the roommates have to climb up the cliff? (They better get used to it now because if they want any sort of after-life in the Challenges, they’re gonna have to get real used to the safety harness).

Luckily for them, they did not have to do any rock climbing. Instead, a crunchy outdoorsy type named Chris rappelled down to them and gave them a whole spiel about Outward Bound and whatnot. Basically, the big mission of the challenge was to design and deliver two Outward Bound courses for teens that have been displaced by Hurricane Katrina. Awww. How topical and activisty. I hate this job already. I really didn’t think it could get worse than Philly’s Arena Football job that had nothing to do with Arena Football and was instead about building a dumb playground for kids. Here’s the truth of the matter: the whole “job” conceit is only entertaining when it gives the cast members a chance to a) humiliate themselves and/or b) fight ceaselessly. I believe New Orleans is still the champ for that. Whenever they have to do dumb thing for charity, it always feels like a flaccid attempt at infusing an unabashedly vapid show with a social conscience. Why bother? Just give them something contentious and self-serving to do. There are plenty of options. Have the producers even seen The Apprentice?

Anyway, as part of their job, the gang would also be going on a five-day long camping trip, which of course would necessitate camping gear, which of course would necessitate the blatant shilling of The Sports Authority as the ultimate destination for such purchases. Chris then announced that the kids would be paid for their effort as long as they didn’t violate the three non-negotiable rules:

1) Keep Jenn out of bright light, especially sun.

2) Keep Jenn away from water.

3) Do not under any circumstance feed Jenn after midnight.

Oh wait, no. That’s not right. Here were the rules:

1) No drugs and alcohol (sorry Jenn).

2) No sex (sorry Jenn).

3) No behavior that would jeopardize someone else’s emotional or physical safety.

These rules seemed stringent, but to Brooke, it was just the tip of the iceberg. She learned that she couldn’t bring a mirror camping and even worse, there’d be no showering! It was like she was wandering through the ghetto ALL OVER AGAIN!

Luckily, Jenn saw the bright side of htis

jenn: “This isn’t a lesson for us. We live in a house and we’ve been nothing but non-polite to each other. we drink all the time. people kissing nand wjatever all that stuff.” nice use of “we”
jenn, brooke meet up with john for brunch. love connection not very strong. jenn doesn’t like him very much anymore. shock!
she still cares for jared. poor jared.
alex trying to apologize to jenn. she won’t really hear it.