The good news: no Outward Bound on this week’s episode of The Real World. The bad news: it was a Colie-centric installment. And yes, that was the sound of a collective groan across America. I’m still trying to decide whether or not I like Colie drama. On the one hand, it is totally and completely insufferable. On the other hand, it’s so easy to make fun of. Ah, the conflicts of blogging. I guess I’ll just write the recap and see how I feel afterwards.This week’s episode began at the bastion of Denver’s nightlife: Monarck! As usual, we found the roommies dancing and drinking up a storm, but this time around, we had a new face in the mix. Her name was Stacy, and Alex described her as “A friend that I met in Denver.” And by friend, he meant “future, drunken sexual conquest.” She had a lot of things going for her. Said Alex, “Stacy’s cool. Stacy’s good looking. Stacy’s not a roommate.” Plus, her mom’s got it going on.
Well, Alex brought the Stacinator back to the house, and apparently, everyone already knew her. Stacy greeted Brooke with a big, warm wave and even went so far to kiss Colie hello (enjoy the mono!). Moments later, Brooke descended the staircase and asked Stacy, “Where do you get your nails done?” Hopefully not the ghetto because if that were the case, Brooke WOULD BE IN HELL!
Anyway, everything seemed innocent and fine, but we soon learned that Colie absolutely detested Stacy. Why? Oh, just the typical insecure girl reasons. Apparently Stacy knew about the whole Alex-Colie-Jen love triangle (you know, the one that was over and done with two months ago) and despite that, Stacy still wanted to have sex with Alex. THE HORROR! How about Colie just get over it already. It was a one night fling.
Well, Colie acted out like the territorial bitch that she is. She actively attempted to make Stacy feel dumb, saying “I try my best to make her feel like an idiot because I know it’ll piss Alex off.” Why, that’s completely mature and reasonable. I’d hate to see what she does to the guy that kissed her in fifth grade (it probably involves some sort of dead fish, a cinder block, and needles).
Despite Colie’s attempts to make Stacy feel dumb (a feat I guarantee would never work, on account of Stacy’s apparently clueless nature), Alex still brought his lady up to the bedroom and promptly boinked her brains out, much to the consternation of the other roommates. Well, really only Brooke and Colie were upset, and I have a feeling that Brooke secretly liked it anyway.
To be fair, I can understand how it might be annoying to try to carry on with your household activities, only to have some blonde drunkard moaning and fake orgasming everywhere, but on the other hand, these people are on The Real World. Did they really expect anything else? Besides, it’s not like Colie needs to devote time to her master thesis or anything.
Well, after Colie loudly mocked Stacy with a few moans of her own, she told us, “It’s a slap in my face, and it’s disrespectful to bring a girl twenty yards away from me.” Okay, Colie really needs to start harvesting some brain cells. It’s not like she and Alex ever had a relationship. Lest we forget, it was a hookup that spanned less than 48 hours. Did somebody say attachment issues?
Nevertheless, we heard the pleasant sounds of Stacy climaxing, followed by amusing images of gushing fountains spurting water all about the Denver landscape. Naughty editors! (Well done.)
Anyway, the bright light of day did nothing to quell Colie’s rabid jealousy as she now complained that “I feel like I’ve been treated rudely in my own house.” Apparently, she had forgotten about the time when she brought home that skinny-fat kid and made out with him in an effort to bother Alex. I guess it doesn’t count as rude and immature if Colie hooks up with people.
Nevertheless, E. Colie confronted Alex about his hookup, telling him how rude it was of him, especially since the StacySex totally impinged on her quiet night of slinking around the house, drinking red wine, and being annoying. “I chose to stay in!” she stated, as if he had ruined her special evening. As usual, Alex had a coldly asshole response, which was greatly appreciated: “Yeah, and I chose to fuck her!” SNAP! Thoughts on Alex: he’s kind of dopey, quietly smart (as much as it bugs me to say so), fairly cunning, a total ass, and masterful at making women feel like shit. Usually, that’s a bad thing, but in this case, man, it was so deserved.
Soon, Colie began talking in circles (which is actually fairly normal for her), causing Alex to ask if he was supposed to read her mind. She said no, but then noted that she would never do to Alex what he had done to her. “You didn’t even think about me. You didn’t even care!” she complained, erroneously assuming that every man who has ever grazed her lips therefore concerns himself with thinking and caring about her. Amusingly, in the same breath that she attacked Alex for not thinking or caring, she then said, “And that’s fine. Like, I don’t want you to care about me. I don’t want you to like me!” SO THEN SHUT THE HELL UP!
Next thing we knew, Colie was crying, saying that Alex had hurt her. Clearly he had thrown their brief hookup right out the window like the cold bastard he is!!!! Again, Alex asked how he was supposed to read her mind in these situations, and Colie replied, “If I have to tell you that, then, like, you’re obviously somebody that I should… [indiscernible Colie slurring].” Basically, the way he should read her mind was by… reading her mind. That’s what I call helpful communication.
“Alex, you don’t understand. I don’t know how to connect four! It makes no sense to me!”
Thankfully, we left this miserable scene to go to a commercial break, and when we returned, we found Alex and Brooke talking about Colie in the backyard, saying how she always seemed to get attached to guys and whatnot. Case in point: Adam from Outward Bound. Despite their less than thrilling first date, Colie was now talking with him again on the phone — probably to his dismay. She told us she was afraid she might get fired by Chris for carrying out a relationship with Adam, but a) there was no relationship, and b) Adam had quit Outward Bound; so all this discussion was completely pointless.
Anyway, somehow Colie roped Adam in for a second date, and the two wound up going to dinner where we learned that Colie’s boyfriend (yes, don’t forget that Alex and Adam aren’t even the main men in her life) was coming to town on Friday. That’s right. Colie was now attached to three different men, and yet somehow it was Alex who was the dick in this situation.
Well, if it was any consolation, it looked like Colie’s boy, Corey, was gonna be on the outs anyway. She proclaimed to us that Adam symbolized her next post-college step. Hmmm… so I guess her twenties will be lethargic, stoned, and kind of smelly.
After dinner, Colie brought Adam back to the house, clearly in an effort to rub it in with Alex, who honestly didn’t look like he cared that much. Unfortunately for Colie, Adam seemed a tad camera shy, and so instead of jumping into the sack, the two wound up playing Scrabble instead. Personally, I would have liked to have seen more of this, if only to watch Colie struggle with those words that have four letters or more.
Of course, Scrabble soon leant itself to snuggling, and while the two acting annoying in a general sort of way, the rest of the roommates went out to a club (not Monarck!). The kids all got drunk and wasted and all the usual stuff, and soon, we found Alex with Stacy again, stumbling back to the house, occasionally making out, talking about how they’d have to have sex quietly that night.
Meanwhile, at the house, Colie and Adam parted ways with a gentle kiss. Colie informed us that for right now, they were just going to be friends (which is pretty much what they were anyway), and then next thing we knew, she was on the phone with another member of her boy carousel: Corey. This poor guy. I hope he dumps her dumb ass when he comes to town.
“I had the worst nightmare. I was cuddling with Colie and– AHHH!!!”
“How did my life lead me here…”
Well, Alex and Stacy returned to the house, and in an effort to be more accommodating, Alex asked Colie if she minded that Stacy was there. Of course, Colie shrugged and said no, even though it clearly bothered her (again, some great communication going on with her. I pity the man that winds up with her as a bride). Alex then fled off to the bathroom for some pre-hump toothbrushing while Colie redirected her rejected horniness back onto her boyfriend, who told her “I can’t wait to fuck you, by the way.”
Before Alex was able to return to his bedroom where an eager Stacy waited, Colie then called him downstairs again, this time asking him if she should stay downstairs or not. After all, last time she felt really uncomfortable upstairs. SO THEN MOVE TO A DIFFERENT PART OF THE HOUSE, YOU IDIOT!
Truthfully, this was Colie’s way of guilting Alex into feeling bad for having sex within twenty yards of Colie, clearly the former love of his life. The games were starting to become ridiculous, and he told us, “There’s just all these things that Colie’s doing and saying that’s just making me be like… UGH!” Our thoughts exactly. Except it didn’t take us ten episodes to come to that conclusion (more like ten minutes).
Well, Alex finally did the nasty with Stacy, and I thought we’d at last be done with this idiotic situation, but of course, there could never be romantic entanglements without Jenn getting in the middle of everything. She drunkenly pranced around the house, hugged Colie, and then decided that she was going to barge in on Alex and Stacy having sex. Why? No reason. She just felt like being a belligerent jerk. Or as she calls it, normal. I guess Jenn was maybe sticking up for her lovelorn roommate, but for all we knew, Stacy had probably said something negative about Tyson Beckford, and we all know how Jenn feels about THAT.
“How dare she besmirch the honor of Tyson Beckford!”
Anyway, Jenn adequately cockblocked the two lovers; although, I kind of got the impression that they were done hooking up anyway. As Stacy ambled out of the house, Colie told us, “I have to make fun of her right then and there.” Why? Because she’s vindictive, jealous, and immature (not that I’m not, but hey, I’m a blogger). Well, Colie cooed “If you’re fat, you don’t wear that” to Stacy, who is admittedly, er, plump. I’m sure had anyone said such things to Colie as she was doing the walk of shame, she would have cried about it for months. Granted, Colie cries about everything (sore throats, steep climbs, mental processing, etc.).
Well, we soon found Alex and Colie having another “talk” about things. In typically needy fashion, she insisted that Alex should express his emotions and feelings towards her more, causing me to pretty much throw a shoe at the TV (or at least fantasize about it). Seriously, Colie, SHUT THE HELL UP. You have a boyfriend. It’s bad enough that you cheated on him, but now you’re expecting serious, emotional commitment from a guy you swapped spit with only once or twice. SILENCE!!!!
Nevertheless, Colie announced, “Obviously, there’s some attraction between you and I, agreed?” It should be noted that she asked the same question to a fern, a tea kettle, and a marble three hours earlier. Surprisingly, Alex actually said yes, he was attracted to her, but then again, anything with a vagina will catch his eye. He then tried to act the victim, amusingly enough, saying that he didn’t feel “special” with Colie. He was just guy #3 on her roster. Poor, poor Alex. This was particularly cruel because it not only gave Colie a glimmer of hope that they could have a relationship, but it placed all the blame on her too. He should have just come out and said, “You’re way too needy for me, bitch.”
Anyway, the show finally ended with them coming to some sort of resolution about… nothing in particular. Colie will still be needy and clingy and in search of a male companion at all times. Alex will still be a cold, cold manipulator, and the viewers, well, we might be slightly bored. If the preview of the rest of the season is any indication though, there should be some exciting things coming up. (Is the show not on next week or something?).
What did you think about the episode? Was Colie overreacting? Or did she have a leg to stand on? Should Alex have brought Stacy back? Or was it inconsiderate? And where were Davis and Stephen?