Real World: Rats

Welcome back to the Real World Brooklyn! I could write a nice, opening paragraph about my thoughts on the week’s episode…or I could just copy mine and Flippy’s emails about it:

ChickBomb: you know I actually liked the rw this week! It was still dumb as hell but I kinda liked it!

Flippy: good! it’s growing on you. if you watch anything for long enough that will happen. i still watch desperate housewives every single week for the same reason. ha

CB: Ok that’s sad. oh wait, I just admitted to liking the real world so I should definitely not be shit talking.

Flippy: slutty skinny people who only care about themselves. they’re kinda the same!

Dudes.

So there you have it. I enjoyed the Real World this week, Flippy is just as hilarious in real life as you think he is and neither one of us bothers with the Shift key.

I normally wouldn’t bother wasting time recapping the “previously on the Real World” recap, but since this week they show Chet checking out Devyn’s diamond ring when they first meet, I have to mention it. I don’t recall this happening, not to say it didn’t, but I don’t know, I pay pretty close attention. And I don’t think there would have been quite so much mileage forced upon us with this Devyn stalking Scotty thing had we known from the start that Dev had a ring. Anyway, Dev’s got a diamond, and that’s all the backstory we need to know right now.

We open with a bunch of spooky music…and mice. Tiny little mice scampering all over the Real World Brooklyn house. Everywhere. Seriously, I don’t even think the cameraman had to try, they just seem to have scurried in and taken over. And I will tell you right now, I can’t deal with vermin. I can totally kill a flying cockroach the size of your head, but I see a rodent and I will shriek like a little bitch.

As does my girl Devyn, resplendent as usual in a hot pink dress. I love how Devyn tarts up to sit around the house. Respect, doll. Seriously, I would never dream of sitting around my house in a t-shirt and baggy sweats and I don’t think anyone else should either. Anyway, she freaks out over the mice, and Scotty tells us it’s really becoming a problem, in case we couldn’t see it for ourselves. Then he chases one of the mice around with a dustpan, in hopes of, I don’t know, sweeping the thing to it’s death?

They helped you make that dress, don’t be rude Cinderella.

“It’s freaking out the girls,” Scotty informs us. And also JD, who jumps on top of the kitchen table, flaps around and screams like a bigger little bitch than me. The boys on the other hand, are on the prowl. Scotty and Ryan set a trap with some cheese, and watch in wait. It’s like the crocodile hunter, only in Brooklyn and with mice. Finally, one of the mice takes the bait. Snap! Scotty brings the mouse out by the tail and asks the girls if they’re hungry. Sarah, who’s on my team with this mouse thing, screams. She doesn’t mind a dead mouse, which is shocking, Sarah is the first one I’d expect to be a mouse right-to-lifer, but she just doesn’t like them “dead and dangling over my head”. Seriously, kill it and dump it in the East River. GE dumps their toxic chemicals there, what harm’s a dead, diseased mouse gonna do?

And then we get to what should be a more interesting story for this episode, but kind of isn’t, and that’s Devyn. The player. She’s on the phone with someone named David, who is identified as her “semi-fiance”. I vaguely remember some girl I knew in college (oh, here’s a story Dev can’t relate to, so hope she’s not reading) who got “pre-engaged” to her boyfriend. I didn’t think there could be a stupider engagement that that, but hey what do you know? Sometimes, I’m wrong. Anyway, while Dev chats with her “semi-fiance” David, another call comes in, she clicks over and who’s this? It’s Jim! A “good friend” who she met before she moved to NY. They dated briefly, he wants to be her boyfriend, but he’s just one of two men in her life. Also, Jim sounds like a total hayseed.

And Devyn commiserates with Chet about her dilemma. Actually, she doesn’t so much commiserate, more like tells Chet what’s up only to have him pass judgment, cause of course Mormon virgins know it all. Oh, and the other interesting thing about this conversation is that Dev shows Chet pictures of herself pre-boob job, so I guess that answers that question. I would have guessed they were real, personally, and I can spot a boob job from a mile away, so I guess all I have to say is who was her doctor and what’s his phone number?

Anyway, Dev clarifies to Chet that with respect to the ring, it’s a “pre-proposal, cause the ring needs to be bigger”. That’s my girl! “Is David a sucker?” Chet wants to know. No, says Devyn, but he’s a club promoter, he’s got girls throwing themselves at him all the time, he messed up, he played games and now he’s apparently now paying the price. Then, five seconds after impressing me with her demand for a bigger diamond, she inexplicably tells Chet that “money has nothing to do with it” because she was with him when he was poor, and worked her way up with him. I have so many comments. One, since money doesn’t matter, how the fuck is he supposed to pay for a bigger ring? Two, what kind of money is a club promoter in St. Louis making anyhow? Did they open a Tenjune there that I don’t know about?

“So who the hell is Jim?” asks Chet, steering the topic back to his player hating. He thinks she should “let Jim off the hook”. He tells her she has six guys calling her, and he doesn’t think it’s healthy. Who gives crap about healthy when it’s so fabulous? “It seems shallow and vapid to me,” says Chet loftily from his perch on I’m-not-getting-any-so-you-shouldn’t-be-either soapbox. He’s so right. It’s not all deep and meaningful, like when Scotty’s model friend blew him off.

Decide which one you’re gonna marry and keep your legs closed until you’re ready for a baby. Glad we talked.

And the girls aren’t really that supportive either. More haters, but considering the amount of action we’ve seen in that house (and that would be none times infinity, by the way), small wonder. Semi-fiance David is coming to visit, and Dev warns the girls over margaritas that if Jim calls while David’s there, to just write the message down. Sarah’s confused, and Baya’s just hoping she doesn’t slip up and say something wrong. I will not be at all surprised to see either one of these girls totally accidently/on purpose screw it up for Dev.

And then we’re over to this year’s official Real World bar, Angels & Kings. It’s time for some JD/Sarah drama. JD says that they all have their differences, but that the whole fight thing is getting on his nerves. Then we flash back to the big College Dropout Debate of ’08, which didn’t have so much to do with Sarah, except that she sat there giggling while Dev and JD went at it. JD is now pissed that Sarah was laughing at him. Funny, I don’t see Dev being pissed about that. And I totally understand, being a giggler myself. If I had money for every time I cracked up about someone being mad only to have them yell “Is this funny to you?” and answered, “Ummm, yeah?”, well, I’d be driving a later model BMW.

Sarah doesn’t think it was rude to laugh at JD, because the fight was funny! She’s right, it was. JD says that Sarah says she likes to be the peacemaker, but what she really likes to do is stir the pot. Wow, if that’s true than I totally like Sarah. Who knew? And at JD’s declaration, Sarah just scoffs and prances off to go play Bingo.

This is way funnier than any fight.

Then it’s time for the boys to gossip, as this group is wont to do. Chet, in his horn-rimmed glasses, pink bow-tie and vest, thinks Devyn needs to come clean to David. And who would know better than Orville Reddenbacker in a homosexual panic? JD wants to put a big rat in Devyn’s bed. Uhhh, why? Did she go to the Feds? Cross a picket line? This isn’t the Teamsters, honey. But the plan somehow takes flight anyway, with Chet “proud to be a part of it”. I’m sure Joseph Smith would have been, too.

So the next time we catch up with Chet, it’s rat buying day! Chet meets Ryan and JD at the GLBT center, and then they’re off to the pet store. Unfortunately, Katelynn busts Chet sitting on the steps to the center. She wants to know what he’s doing there, but Chet covers for himself and his team of retarded pranksters. Ryan and JD show up, they head inside and use the GLBT resources to plan what they call “covert ops”. I’m certain that everyone who donates to the GLBT in Brooklyn will be thrilled to know that their hard earned, donated cash is going to paper and conference rooms for a bunch of spoiled reality show kids to plot how to plant rats in each others’ beds.

There is a brief debate over whether to infiltrate the girls’ beds on the same day or different days, but it’s quickly resolved. Different days. Staggered impact. Ryan finds the prank rather “old school”, but he still thinks it’s good. They head over to Petland, and pick up some big, white rats. “Don’t they have any dirtier looking ones?” asks Ryan critically. But ultimately, it’s decided that the white rats should do just fine cause the girls are “pretty dumb”. Yeah, and wasting a whole day rat shopping is genius defined.

Let’s hope this rat has some wasted in the hot tub time with Dev very soon.

Then we meet David! David’s kind of cute, if very scrawny. Between this dude, the hick on the phone, and the whole Scotty stalker incident, I think it’s safe to say that Devyn doesn’t spend too much time with the brothers. David, the big time club promoter from the bustling metropolis of St. Louis, struts around the house, telling Katelynn he feels sorry for her, having to be Dev’s roommate. Baya tells us that Devyn is on her game and she knows how to work men. For reals. “This is the dress you bought that time,” Dev tells Dave as she shows off her closet.

They decide to eat, but because there’s nothing suitable to David’s sophisticated, club-promoting tastes in the Real World fridge, they head out. “You’re paying for the cab,” Dev informs Dave. “Honey, I’m sending you money, obviously you’re not paying for anything,” Dave retorts, which might be his way of telling us he has a small penis. They go out to a restaurant called Mucho Gusto, Fine Spanish Cuisine. Nothing but the best for the Brent Bolthouse of STL! Dev and Dave are perfectly adorable during dinner. They seem happy and flirty. Dev tells Dave that someone asked her if her ring was real, and he replies that she’ll be getting an even bigger one “as long as you don’t get fat or anything”. Because I live in LA, I’m not at all offended by this. Everyone knows a six figure ring is a contract to stay skinny.

You gotta do what you can to keep a skinny chinless club promoter.

Back at the house, the rat prank is underway. The boys decide to hide their little friend in the gym, since as Chet tells us “none of the girls have seen it since the first week”. Also, so Chet can head down for a little experimental ass play without anyone else knowing. Katelynn walks over in the middle, but the giggling boys scampering around the gym that no one ever goes in goes right over her head.

In the house, Dev is on the phone with Jim. Oooh, she plays with fire. Cause two seconds later, David walks in and Dev immediately hangs up on Jim with a “I have to make a business call really quick”. And there’s Chet, shaking his head sagely, saying that he hates to see David play the fool. Why? She’s playing him before he can play her, what’s wrong with that? David plays pool with the boys and says that he and Dev didn’t do anything but drive around all day. The boys joke that Dev is a bad tour guide because she doesn’t know where anything is. On account of her sleeping all day, they add. Sleeping all day, waking up and working out the wardrobe, I’m adding. And asking again, what’s wrong with that?

Stocks…bonds…uh…hold please.

Chet trails Dev to the computer room, where she’s swapping her phone call with Jim for an email. Chet bugs Dev with dumb questions like, “Did you smooch him? Did you have sex?” One, smooching is the dumbest word ever. It’s right up there with calling coffee “java”. And two, Dev’s just as much a virgin as you, Orville, so maybe make room up on that soapbox. Then, Chet looks at Dev’s emails. It’s literally Jim/David/Jim/David on the email page. Fabulous. Jim calls Dev Sugarbutt. David, it turns out, calls her Hippo. Oh, are we still supposed to feel sorry for the guy? It’s one thing to have an understanding about weight, but name calling is not nice. I don’t see Dev calling him…well, what’s the animal equivalent of a whipped, skinny, cocky St. Louis club promoter? Surely there’s a breed of jackass out there that we could appropriate.

Chet repeats that Devyn’s a player, and I think so too, but she’s full of all kinds of excuses that if you meet another person by accident, that’s not being a player. Perhaps, but two-timing with that accident is. Don’t get me wrong, hate the game not the player, but let’s call it like we see it, Dev. Chet wastes no time telling all the other boys that Jim’s nickname for Dev is Sugarbutt, and all the boys start yelling “Sugarbutt! Sugarbutt!” at her. “David doesn’t know what we’re saying, but it’s our way of showing Devyn that we don’t condone what she’s doing,” says Ryan piously. Oh, to be so flawless and able to so freely cast stones! Yeah, I realize that I’ve been casting stones on this site for nearly two years now, but since ChickBomb’s never purported to be anything other than a shallow, superficial bitch, I think that’s okay.

And Devyn plays it cool to the taunts of “Sugarbutt, Sugarbutt”. Just ignore them, she tells David. But these boys, who have nothing better to do than obsess over Devyn and her actual life, are really annoyed. “She’s really pulled the wool over his eyes. He has no idea,” Chet tells us, shaking his head sadly at the plight of poor, club promoting David. Then he decrees that if Dev really did care about David, she wouldn’t continue to use him. Hello, he bought her a diamond and clothes! Oh, and some fine, Spanish cuisine. And he sends cash. She shouldn’t use him again because why?

And then Scotty gets in on the action. He thinks they should tell David what’s going on. Wh-wh-wh-whaaaaat? How is this any of their business? I never knew white boys from Middle America could be such yentas. “When feelings are compromised…” Chet begins loftily. Oh, blow it out your ass, Chet. After you’re done experimenting with the rat, that is.

But Chet does get some points back by telling the boys that if it was his friend he would tell, but “I don’t know this guy from Moses”. “Moses was a good guy,” chortles Ryan, and he and Chet both get a big laugh out of that one. I don’t know, maybe if he had said it with the big cowboy hat on his head, but just like this, not so much. Actually, come to think of it, Ryan should just keep that big hat on his head at all times. It really kind of made the episode last week. Finally, Scotty comes up with the half serious idea to have start a fight between JD and Devyn, and surely JD wouldn’t be able to resist the opportunity to sabotage.

Meanwhile, our player and her toy head over to Serendipity. They can say what they want about Dev not knowing the city, but a frozen hot chocolate is the perfect date for an out-of-towner in NYC. They feed each other, and then David makes a big show of whether he should pay with cash or a credit card. A credit card! Big man! Then David travels a little further down the path to Pathetic-ville and starts telling Dev how he wants to “smooch” her. And we’ve already covered my feelings on that word. Then he tells Dev that he likes the Sugarbutt nickname. Oh, he really is a fool. “Simmer down,” says Dev patronizingly.

The next morning, it’s time for the charade to end and David heads home. I’m not sure how exactly it’s happening, cause Dave just kind of trots off and Dev heads into the subway. What, no luggage? This continuity thing is such a challenge. Dev tells us that people don’t know the dynamics, they don’t know what she and David have encountered to get them to this point, and that’s why she handles him the way she does. For like the eighty-millionth time today, I’m in agreement with Dev. Nobody knows what goes on in a relationship between two people besides those two people. Got that Chet? Good, then pass the message along to your boyfriend Ryan.

And for chrissakes, there are scarf stands on every other block. Change!

Down in the gym, JD has bonded with the big white rat, and now they’re cuddling. He never thought he’d be pulling these types of pranks. See what happens when you hang with straight guys? But Chet is wary of JD’s pranking skills, and makes the executive decision to be the rat delivery man. He’s sure that Devyn’s going to freak out, and that makes him feel wonderful. Who knew the path to fulfillment included dropping off rats in your roommates beds? “If you play a guy, you end up with a rat in your bed,” Chet declares. Oh, does that work both ways? Probably not, cause girls are smarter. I’ve never left a rat in a guy’s bed, but I’ve left a few credit card bills behind. My friend Mistress Cha Cha La Rue’s ex-boyfriend is still paying for her financed boob job, and they’ve been broken up for two years. What? I already copped to being a superficial bitch. Should I add ho?

“Four hours from now…complete destruction,” Chet promises. It’s 4:30 am in the Real World house, and the alarm goes off in Chet and Ryan’s room. Chet heads to the closet, where the rat has apparently relocated. He crawls on the floor into Dev’s room, and stealthily sneaks the rat into her bed. Dev and Katelynn are just lumps in the bed. Chet pats the rat under the covers for good measure, and then slips out. If the web hosting thing doesn’t work out, Chet could have a promising career as a cat burglar.

Ryan, on the other hand, master prankster that he is, can’t stop giggling. “This is gonna give Devyn nightmares forever!” Chet says gleefully. Seriously, I’m just watching, and this is gonna give me nightmares forever. I am really, really so not okay with rats. And poor Dev stirs in bed, no doubt because there’s a rat crawling up her leg. Then she lies back down. Then she stirs again, and this time, she figures out what’s going on and all hell breaks loose. “Oh my God! Oh my God!” she yells over and over again, sitting up in bed. Oh, and proof – Dev does sleep naked. Then she pats the rat with a hanger, which I have no idea what she hopes to accomplish by doing.

She manages to get dressed, and she does handle it rather calmly. She runs to wake up Scotty. “There’s a mouse in my bed!” she tells him. Scotty rolls over so Devyn can’t see him laughing. “You’re a liar,” he manages to eke out. Over in his bedroom, Ryan is trying his best not to laugh. “It’s in my sheets!” Dev continues. And who else but JD comes in to rescue Devyn from the rat? He dumps it into a laundry basket and takes it back to its home in the gym for some more cuddling. Does anyone else see that this is the fatal flaw in the plan? JD, who jumped up on the table and screamed like a five year old girl over a tiny grey mouse, shuttles the enormous white rat out of Devyn’s bed? Hello? Real World ladies? And…nothing. All Katelynn has to say is “Welcome to Rat Hook”.

I waited for JD to point out that the other tranny is funnier, but nothing.

The next day, we have a new wrinkle! Ryan’s girlfriend Michelle, ooops, sorry, I mean Belle, cause Ryan’s a Beatles fan, you know, is coming for a visit. “I’m spastic!” she tells him seductively. Ryan’s excited to have a “normal girl” in the house. Oooh, burn, Baya. Ryan tries to figure out what he wants to do with Belle when she’s there, but, “I’ll stare at you all day for all I care,” Belle tells him defiantly. “I haven’t seen your beautiful face in so long,” she oozes. “You’re gonna make me throw up,” Ryan says. I second that motion.

Please don’t talk like this in front of Chet. It’s….complicated.

And then it’s time for the second rat, which is really the first rat just recycled, to go into Sarah’s bed. Ryan, in particular, is delighted because Sarah was his original target in the first place. Unlike Chet’s all night long stealth mission, Ryan simply slips into Sarah’s room, tosses the rat in the bed, covers it with some blankets and calls it a day. Oh wait, actually he also takes the time to throw the girls off the trail by telling them that he just found a mouse in his bedroom. Sarah falls for the act, and storms through the house carrying on about how she can’t sleep with mice in her room.

Sarah heads to her room to check out her bed. She tosses the bed lines every which way, and the rat goes flying out of the bed. And this part is hilarious, Sarah’s flinging her sheets everywhere, going on and on about how she can’t have a mouse in her room while there’s the rat, staggering around in a little circle on the floor, probably with a concussion from getting thrown off the bed, and Sarah has no idea. On and on she goes, flinging her sheets and bitching, while the big, white rat just kind of meanders around dangerously close to her feet.

Finally, Sarah notices the enormous white rat on her floor and then the screaming begins. “Oh my God! Oh my God!” seems to be the battle cry for the Real World infestation. “It’s awesome!” yells Chet. He feels victorious. Sarah jumps up on the kitchen table and continues the drama. Ryan, too, makes the victory sign behind her back. Baya promises her she can can sleep in her bed, and Chet makes sure to mention for the billionth time how darn proud he is to have been involved. “Two pranks for the price of one rat!” says our Latter Day Saint with a big smile.

Where’s the hot tub?

Sarah gets on the phone with her boyfriend, DJ, not to be confused with gay roommate JD, cause at some point I’m gonna screw up typing that. And DJ tells Sarah that he thinks it’s very “odd” that both rats were white. Unfortunately, this airplane goes right over Sarah’s head, and all she does is launch into a long speech about how she doesn’t care what color the rat is, and then she names like ten colors as examples of rats whose colors she doesn’t care about. Chet’s still talking about how awesome the whole prank is, and how everyone was touched by it. Heartwarming.

But later on, Sarah uses her brain, or at least uses her boyfriend’s, and tells Devyn that she too thinks it was odd that all the rats were white. “Maybe it’s the demographic,” suggest Devyn, using a big, fancy, college-educated word to describe the population of Brooklyn rats. But then Dev catches on too. “You think they’re being put there?” she asks Sarah a lot more calmly than I would have. “Do an internet search for ‘wild, white rats’,” instructs Sarah. It’s all unraveling now!

And then we see a cute, sporty looking blonde trekking up to the Real World house with a suitcase. Ryan comes out and hugs her, and I guess this is Belle. Ryan tells us she’s like his best friend – hanging out with her is like hanging out with the guys, only she’s a girl. Well, there’s a rousing declaration of love if I’ve ever heard one. Ryan fills her in on the rat pranks and swears her to secrecy. Belle’s pretty cute. Like Jessica Simpson, only with less whore makeup, fake hair and belly fat.

And better skin. I could go on, but JS has been through enough lately.

Back in the house, the girls are piecing together facts, and things are not adding up. Baya tells us that rats and mice do not cohabitate, how she knows this I know not, but she’s pretty convinced that the rat was a plant. And then Ryan walks in with Belle, and Baya goes bananas with excitement over meeting Belle. “So nice to put a face with the name!” she tells Belle. “So cute! Too cute!” she chirps to Sarah about her Real World husband and his girlfriend. Such bullshit. Just give her a withering look and keep it moving. There’s no way Baya’s happy to meet Belle.

Devyn gets on the phone with her Mom to discuss the rat situation. And Mama Devyn is not fooled for a second. “It sounds strange,” she says suspiciously, “You get white rats from the pet store.” Then she finds out that Sarah’s rat was white too. “The day after yours was gone? No, no, no, no, no,” says Mama Dev. I hate to admit it, but the guys were right. The girls were pretty dumb about this. Thank heavens for Dev’s Mom. But Devyn’s not bothered. “To be pranked means that I just have another member of the fan club. So thank you. I appreciate the support,” Dev says smoothly. Seriously, how much time did they waste on this rat nonsense while Devyn was off carrying on with her life?

OK let go. Ow you’re hurting me.

And now it’s time to try and figure out who the culprit was. I would think it would be pretty obvious that it’s Chet and Ryan, but I’ll cut the girls some slack cause I do happen to have the benefit of watching the recorded and edited version. But then I have to sort of take it back, cause the girls ultimately decide that it couldn’t have been Chet and Ryan because they were sleeping. Oh, that makes sense cause fake sleeping? Who would pull off a stunt like that? Finally, the whole thing gets pinned on JD, who indeed busted himself with his ease in capturing the white rat.

Then we hit Coney Island with Ryan, Belle…and JD? Why did they bring him on the date? Ryan tells us Belle is the first girl he’s loved. Belle smiles goofily at him. On the car ride home, Ryan talks about being on Inactive Ready Reserve, which means that he can get called back anytime through September 10, 2010. Belle tells him not to worry about it, that it’s not going to happen. “She hates the thought of me going back,” Ryan tells us. As for him, well, he just lives in the moment. Or writes songs about it.

In the house, the girls believe they have finally solved the case of the bed rats. Katelynn is leading the quest for truth, and they finally whittle the suspects down to JD and Scotty, for the following reasons:

1. When Devyn woke up Scotty, he was laughing.

2. White rats are not “indigenous” (another big college educated word!) to NYC.

3. The rat was not aggressive.

4. JD wasn’t scared.

I can’t believe Chet and Ryan are getting away with this. They did the prank! All JD did was snuggle with the rat, and all Scotty did was laugh. Katelynn’s not buying it either. “We need to investigate the theory until we see where it goes. I need a receipt. I need more than circumstantial evidence. I need a preponderance of evidence,” says the Sherlock Holmes of Brooklyn.

OK sorry. The Angelo Lansbury of Brooklyn. Better?

So the girls go on the hunt for evidence. “If I were a dumb boy, where would I hide something?” Sarah wants to know. And they’re on the trail! They head to the gym…and find nothing. They end up playing with the gym equipment. Way to stay on task. They find nothing in they gym, and then head over to the pickup truck to search there. Chet comes up the walk, and the girls start whispering furiously to each other, “Act natural!” Very smooth. They tell Chet they’re just watching the sunset, but he doesn’t buy it. “The moon’s in the waiting phase,” Sarah says ominously. Meaning? Whatever, Chet still doesn’t buy it.

But Chet’s got more pious fish to fry. “Did you come clean to David?” he wants to know from Devyn. Then he wants to know what Jim is to her. And what David is to her. They’re both friends who love me, she explains. Chet points out that Jim doesn’t come over. “There’s a reason for that,” Devyn explains, as if she’s talking to a very, very small child. “You’re playing with both their hearts and they don’t know and that’s a problem,” Chet lectures. A problem for you, no play in Brooklyn.

The next morning, I hear a zipper zipping shut. Is someone packing? Is it Belle? Wow, that was a short trip. She sobs, and Ryan tells us that he’s like a robot when it comes to emotions. He drives her to the airport, which begs a very interesting question. Who picked her up from the airport? All we saw was her trudging up the walk with a big suitcase and an overstuffed backpack and Ryan coming out to meet her. But back to the farewell. He thanks her for coming, she thanks him for having her. It’s nothing we should waste our time on, cause I think there’s a pretty good chance that by the time the reunion show airs this relationship will be dead and buried.

And finally, we wrap things up with Devyn. She’s typing a marathon email, and it’s to David. “Someone’s heart is about to get broken,” she tells us. She feels bad because David is a nice person, but they need to separate for now. Then she calls him and tells him that she has “more issues with males than I let on, and I need to deal with that because it involves things I do and the relationships I have,” she says. I’m really not sure how she could have made it any more ambiguous. And Dave is heartbroken. He doesn’t want to be with anyone else and he doesn’t want her to be either.

But she doesn’t want to feel this way and not deal with it, Devyn tells David. It doesn’t make sense, he doesn’t know what to say, typical breakup stuff. They exchange ‘I love you’s', but bottom line, she just can’t be with him right now. “If it’s meant to be, than it will be,” she says. Zen player. Loves it.

I’m sorry I can’t ho around right now. I have a gay mormon roommate on my ass.

Then we trip back to the pet store so JD can return his new bestie, the rat. He’s better friends with the rat than with the girls in the house, he tells the pet store worker. Seriously, what kind of gay is he? Not friends with the girls? Must be some kind of rare species. But he comments that everyone has disrespected everyone else to a level, and all the arguing is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. Even on this dud of a Real World? What would he have done in Sydney?

And finally, it’s time to close the case of the rat. The girls finally track down the container that the rat lived in. They find the food pellets. And a lot of poop. Well, basically, they just find the nest. “We’ve cracked the case!” says Baya happily. Sure, only took a whole episode and Devyn’s Mom to figure it out. “Well done, Sherlock Holmes,” she continues. “I’m Sherlock, you’re the Watsons,” Katelynn snaps back. Step off, Dev, there’s a new alpha bitch in town. Don’t worry though, you’re still my doll.