All I have to say about the Real World is it’s like the Mafia. Once you’re in, you can never get out.
And at the end of the day, why would you want to?
I’m not gonna lie – I’ve recapped four seasons of this now, and I’ve had just about all the earnest stupidity I can bear. And then they’ve got to go to DC and dump idealism into the mix? All I know is I heard an, “Our voice will be heard!” in the previews and I was out. Unfortch, my successor bailed, and I can’t say no to Flippy, so I’m back. It’s the Real World DC. Remember all the excitement a year ago, after we got a new President? Yeah, that kind of didn’t translate to the Real World.
So, let’s see who we have here. First up it’s Ashley from Cali. She’s the Obama Puppet. She loves Barack Obama. She wears him on a t-shirt. Change! Yes we can! Listen, I’m not down on the Pres or anything, but I haven’t seen a whole lot of this oft-mentioned change yet. And I’m still definitely paying too much in taxes. She mentions casually that she was a delegate for him in the election. I don’t really know what a delegate does, but I’m sure that makes her a big deal at the coffeehouse.
Honey, could you fill up my coffee?
Yes we CAN!
She strolls the the DC airport in an offensively dull shorts and t-shirt combo, and parks it at a little airport parapet at the top of an escalator. You know, up until quite recently, that airport didn’t have a Starbucks. That was something I learned one day at 5 am, and it was a lesson that took me through the day. Me and the approximately 927 people who had to listen to me bitch about it. 5 am can’t exist without Starbucks. Well, it’s clear that she’s waiting for someone. And that would be – well, I already forgot his name, but he looks like the poor man’s Matt Damon so let’s just go with that. I never learned Rihanna’s real name in Cancun and that worked out just fine.
How bout dem apples?
Matt Damon is a cute but also earthy type from Colorado. He lives in the suburbs with his parents, brother and sister. That sounds very nice, except MD’s twenty-two and not Middle Eastern or Italian. Ummm, what else do I have on him. Oh, works for a rental car company which he tells us is an interesting mix of “finance and marketing”. We’ve got a real player in the rental car game here, folks.
Then we meet Andrew. This one’s from Colorado too. And he’s gotten all creative about it, doing an audition tape in a smoking jacket and making self-deprecating comments about “the ladies”. It’s funny cause he’s super nerdy, get it? Genius, right? Anyway, his big claim to fame is being fired from what looks like a school newspaper for drawing cartoons that were perceived as antagonistic toward women and lesbians, but Andrew just thinks they were being overly sensitive.
Make a lesbian Mohammed cartoon. Then you’ll learn all about overly sensitive.
Next up is Emily, the ex-Jesus puppet. I don’t know why I’m calling them all puppets. Wait, yes I do. And I certainly don’t mean to keep comparing, but the Emilee in Cancun spelled her name all crazy and shit and that’s how we knew – well, that she was all crazy and shit. Regular old E-m-i-l-y is a boredom alert. And it’s confirmed when she tells us her family was in cult…but they dropped out when she was thirteen. Now she “rebels” by doing stuff like getting a tiny snake tattoo.
This snake is chasing its own tail. I predict Emily will spend the season doing the same.
But Andrew’s buying it. He sees her walking toward him on the riverfront, and he tells us it was like in slow-mo and she’s gorgeous. They hug, and he giggles reminiscently of Leonardo DiCaprio when he played that retarded kid. Rebellious Emily tells him that she’s ready to go out. “We got it goin’ on!” she says, cementing her cool girl status.
I suggest this year’s “practical joker” not f with Emily.
Okay, who do we have here…it’s a cute blonde named Callie from Smalltown, Texas. And oh my, this one’s right off the haystack. Everything in DC is new and exciting! The people! The music! The park! The park? Well, seems like back home, their park only has ducks in it. “That’s it,” she laments. Lame ass duck park.
Callie wants us to know that she is “NOT LIBERAL”. Isn’t Obama Puppet like, super liberal? Seriously, Real World casting is down to a simple checklist. Callie’s big passion in life is photography. They show some of it, and it’s not terrible. She does point out that most people’s reaction to the big photography thing is what are you going to do with that? Her clever response? “Well, someone has to do it!” Actually, no. No one has to do it. I mean, sure someone has to photograph little kids in school pictures and Britney at the gas station, but a photographic interpretation of flowers and garbage? Nobody has to do that. Come up with new quip, kitten. Or just say you have rich parents.
Keeping Skunk Hair Alive: One Hick at a Time
So Callie’s lost in the big city. She’s never had to read a map. She has no idea. Her words, not mine. She decides to just walk around and hopefully she’ll run into the house. If not, she’ll just walk in circles. I didn’t make that part up either. That one really did write itself. Thanks, Cal. The more stupid things you say, the less work I have to do.
Someone does NOT have to do it.
Next up is Ty and he is yummy. A slightly more chocolatel-y Ed Hartwell. Ty’s from Baltimore. Seen The Blind Side? Refer to that for the general back story. Ty tells us that he was not always “this well spoken and nice”, which is the well spoken and nice way of saying he used to be a thug.
May I have your purse please, lovely lady?
Wow, it seems like there’s a lot of roomates, huh? Next we have Erika from Chicago. Erika’s crazy! Fun! Rock and roll! She loves her music and treats us to a little verse about how she loves the way something or other sets her free. Clearly, Erika is a ground-breaking and original lyricist. Oh, and there’s more sappy empowerment where that came from. She tells us she’s got tons of songs all ready to go. Joy.
Flowers, powers, sunshine, …dunline, set me freeeeee!
So, Erika the badass rocker chick likes rocker dudes. She shows off her boyfriend who’s about a thousand miles away from rocker but a mere stone’s throw from the geeky guy who works at the Sam Goody in the crappy mall.
And speaking of wannabe rocker dudes, who do you think the next roomie is? That’s right, a cheesesteak cart worker from Philly. Oh, and also someone who calls music “my fire and my desire.” These two are a match made in generic songwriting heaven. Sure enough, he meets up with Erika, and she immediately points out that they have matching tattoos. I can’t really see what they say, but I’m sure it’s something like “Unique” in Chinese. Oh, the dude’s name is Josh by the way and he looks short. I can’t say why.
Dunline sets me free!
Andrew and Emily are in a cab rolling toward the Real World house, and he’s entertaining her with a story about how he’s a cage fighter and sky-diving instructor. He’s just messing with her, but omigosh, Emily likes extreme sports too! “We’ve got two adrenaline junkies in the car! Watch out, driver!” she chortles. Why, what problems are beget from adrenaline in the car? Well, she’s trying at least. Emily’s too benign for me to really be mean about.
Luckily, this isn’t the case with everyone. We shift back to Obama Puppet and Matt Damon in another car bonding over the Big J. That means Jesus. Oh, great. So we’re throwing politics and religion into one Real World house. This is a recipe for disaster. I’ll be accepting all ideas for fake plots to write about. Send them to TVGasm.
Jesus Called Me Fat: Episode Four
Anyway, they get to the house and are predictably blown away. Now, I’m not normally a fan of the Ikea warehouses disguised as Real World houses, but this one’s pretty damn cool. It’s gorgeous and amazing from the outside, and the inside has a fake Oval Office. I need my own Oval Office. You know, to write recaps in. The confessional looks like a little Presidential press conference room. Obama Puppet and MD decide to room together. She makes a flirty comment about how she usually sleeps naked, and he makes a flirty comment back that he’s fine with that.
Jesus Saw Me Naked: Episode 6
Luckily, Callie with the space for rent where her brain should be has magically bumped into the Real World house. She knocks on the door and Obama Puppet and MD make a dumb joke about how the Real World house is actually next door. Then MD tells us he wants to see what room she chooses because that will tell him everything about her. The rooms are all decorated with presidents, by the way. Obama Puppet and MD are in the Lincoln room. I heart Lincoln too, so I say good choice. I don’t know where Callie ends up, but she does mention her love for Ronald Reagan. Obama Puppet rolls her eyes on cue at this news, but then tells us that there’s hope for Callie yet. OP thinks she can turn Callie to the left, “cause left is right.” Wink. Slap. One of those things happened on my TV. The other I just fantasized about.
I’ve thought left was right my whole life. OMG you guys we’re totally gonna get along!
Andrew and Emily are the next roomies to get to the house. “Don’t be mad, we picked beds already,” yells Obama Puppet. Wow, it took so little time for this one to really annoy me. Andrew’s plan is to improve his “chances of getting laid by forcing Emily to be my roommate”. Emily’s too nice to tell him that she doesn’t want to sleep mere feet away from him because creepy could be catching. Then they all make fun of Andrew for being a virgin. And possibly a Mormon.
Either way, there will be no getting laid for you. You own a panda hat. Sorry.
The other four show up and the big news here is that The Rockers are rooming together, as are blonde Callie and former thug, Ty. “I’ve never lived with a boy before,” Blondie mentions nervously. And this is a big, black one. Awesome. The roomies bond away.
You guys, what rhymes with funshine? SUNSHINE?!? OMG SUNSHINE SETS ME FREEEEE!
Emily continues to prove how rebellious she is by informing the group that she’s bi-sexual. Well, there had to be one. Andrew makes a bunch of stupid jokes about sending Ty back to “Africa America”, and Ty makes me really start to like him by ignoring this. The group universally decides that Andrew’s a little weird. No one really seems to be a fan.
And….further away from getting laid.
Obama Puppet and Ty talk about their shared backgrounds in life, they were both raised real religious, but Ty kind of let the whole Christ thing go and Obama’s still on the train. They were both adopted. Ty was found at age four in some house where he had been left to die. Obama lived in an abusive household where her Dad hit them with…pillows? I don’t know, maybe I heard that part wrong. But he does point out that it’s kind of an amazing thing to have started life left to die, and now have the world wide open to him. Somehow, the idealism works on Ty. I think it’s cause he couples it with the pronouncement that he’s meant to be alone in this world.
That’s a lot of pattern to mix in with the wallpaper at Bucca di Peppo. I hope no one has epilepsy.
That night, it’s time for the first dinner out. They get ready, and the DC bathroom is not very exciting. Boy Rocker pulls an extremely shocking and unpredictable move by accessorizing with a fedora. Who saw that one coming? Ty is decked out in a lemon yellow sweater and white shorts. He looks like desert. At dinner, the talk turns to S-E-X and it turns out that Matt Damon is joining Emily in the bi-sexual column.
Poor rebellious Emily. Her pronouncement made about three seconds of conversation, but Matt Damon’s stops the convo dead in its tracks. The Obama Puppet, who’s sooooo far to the “left”, tells us she’s “Shocked“. MD doesn’t want it to be a big deal – he doesn’t want to be defined by it, which is why he announced it in the middle of dinner.
Define me however you want. Just not as gay. Cuz that would be wrong. God’s totally fine with bisexuality though.
And while he’s all comfy up there on the soapbox – and isn’t this soapbox getting crowded with all these self-righteous reality show people? Matt Damon’s gonna give us the speech about how he’s a gay Christian and God’s totally cool with that. Luckily, Ty’s not taking this holy roller crap without taking a piss out of it first – he tells the table how all religious people are narrow minded. This starts a big fight.
As is my policy, I will not be recapping any stupid fights. Which actually makes this job a lot easier. Although I will mention that at some point, someone threw evolution into it. And that Obama Puppet got so upset with the rest of the roommates being upset about what Boring / Rebellious Emily called an “endless debate” that she moves to the other side of the table. Which might have actually been Ty’s real reason for starting the fight in the first place.
“I don’t think he knows me well enough to make these assumptions,” Matt Damon simpers. It’s true, Ty’s kind of going off the deep end with this dumb argument. I’m not even sure what they’re fighting about and even I can tell he’s not making sense. But he does add some eyeglasses to the look, and then it doesn’t matter anymore.
There’s a song in this. About being set free or something.
Back at the house, Boy Rocker is in the fancy confessional talking about how hung up he is on all the hot girls in the house, and how hard it will be “keeping the beast in the cage, if you know what I mean.” Well, generic rocker boy, I think I do, but I’m going to pretend I don’t cause I had a great dinner at Craft tonight and I don’t want to vomit it up. Then he mentions that he has the hots for Girl Rocker, which she happens to overhear while she happens to be crouched outside the confessional door.
In his bedroom, Andrew is curled up with his “snuggle bear”. Blonde Callie thinks it’s cute. Then again, she gets to room with hot Ty, so she can afford to be nice about it. Emily, who has to actually sleep behind a closed door with this, is a little scared. And with good reason. He keeps trying to get her into bed. “I’ve got Mr. Snuggles,” he sing-songs. He might be a serial killer. Then he tells us he thinks she’ll sleep with him…in his dreams. Well, still got my suspicions about this one but he seems to have at least one toe in reality.
I hope they make marriage between a man and a stuffed animal legal, or you’re gonna be one very lonely dork.
The next day, Andrew wears his furry panda hat, which he calls his “go-to accessory” and I call “a complex psychological manifestation of some fucked up sexual fetish”. Meanwhile, Girl Rocker and Blondie (I know, it’s a recycled nickname, but kind of the same chick – even the same haircut) decide they don’t want to live with boys anymore so they’re going to move in together. Boy Rocker is fine with the move. Boy Rocker might have brought his stash box with him to the Real World house, he’s far too laid back about everything. Type-A Ty, who awoke at 6 am to unpack which I find incredibly hot, tells them they better move his stuff perfectly. Then he whines to the other roomies. “I would get in that grill!” advises the gangsta roomie with the stuffed animal on his head.
And now it’s time for some people to make up. Matt Damon and Ty get it together, mainly because Matt Damon somehow ends up apologizing. Ty explains that he shoots his mouth off more to be colorful than to make fun of anything. Well, I suppose I can maybe possibly relate to that.
Then Obama Puppet gets in on it. She wants to make up with Ty too, even though she had nothing to do with their argument the night before. But Ty’s pretty much not interested. Finally, she gives up with a, “It’s not worth it to me, there are seven other people here,” before huffing over to a corner to prove how little it really does matter to her anyway. So there! Obama Puppet is one of those annoying people who isn’t content to only be annoying, everyone’s got to like her too.
I wonder if George Washington knew that one day he’d be a roomie on The Real World. Being a slut eventually pays off, George!
And there you have it…have I ever mentioned my every other season of the Real World theory? It’s like the Star Trek movies. Good one, sucky one. Last season we had everything from a fake cutter to an inter-roomie threesome. So far in DC, no one’s even gotten drunk yet! Well, we’ll do what we can do…kisses, CB