Real World Hollywood: On a Break

Welcome back to the Real World Hollywood! This week, we have cheating hearts and an orgy. Yes, an orgy. Do I need to say anything more to get you to keep reading?

If you need more incentive, Blondie could possibly drown or be eaten by non picky giant fish.

And we’re not wasting any time today. We start off at the improv, where House Mommy Charna informs the group no improv class this week…cause they’re going to Mexico! Yay! No improv for a week! Fantastic!

It’s trip to Cancun, including all the usual tourist traps like dolphin swims and jungle tours. In other words, the $799 package, but the roomies jump around and yell and scream like it’s a week on a yacht in San Tropez. Actually, it’s a little refreshing that they’re so excited. I need to stop being so jaded. Dave Dolt wants to drink the worm in the tequila, and then get arrested. Blondie Kim just wants to lay out and drink Pina Coladas.

That night they go out and celebrate. Rick James Will and Dolt do some really dumb dance, and then Dolt comes home and passes out next to the toilet. Rick James starts throwing pancake mix all over him, and Horsey Brittani – who, remember, isn’t into Rick James at all – laughs like it’s the most entertaining thing she’s ever seen. Then she gets in on the pancake throwing action. What fun.

And you thought he couldn’t get any whiter.

After they’ve doused Dolt, Rick and Horsey retreat to the bedroom where she tells him she’s sad that he didn’t want to be her friend (translated: that he didn’t want to profess his undying love for her and her horse face). Rick explains to her that he doesn’t want to be friends with her if there’s flirtation and physical hi-jinks. Which is a little unfair, because he was in on that too.

Horsey says that she’s excited to get to Cancun, because Rick James will finally be separated from that she-devil girlfriend of his, and they will finally have the chance to “get to know each other” (translated: have sex that will be meaningless to Rick and will have Horsey following him around like a pathetic puppy dog for the remainder of their time in the house).

She carries on and on about how much she likes everything about him. She likes how he does music. She likes his break dancing, and hey, she likes to dance too! Omigod – they should totally get married! And Rick’s starting to give in. “Maybe I should give her a chance,” he concedes. Translated: Janelle’s not giving it up anyway, Horsey’s obviously a total whore, and if it happens in Mexico, it doesn’t count.

I had his white headband in the third grade. Soulmates!

Horsey gets on the phone with her boyfriend Jeremy and gives him the great news about the trip. He’s a little concerned, because he’s got a very special trip to the Real World house planned, and heaven forbid he misses his big opportunity to show up at the house and make sure we all know how cool he is. But crisis averted, they arrive back to Hollywood the day before Jeremy gets there. Whew. Close call.

Later, we catch up with Rick James and Janelle, out dancing together. Hey, Janelle seems to like dancing too. Now he’s got two soul mates. What to do? Anyway, Rick tells us how much Janelle means to him, which means he’s definitely going to be cheating on her. Back at the house, Rick and Janelle are cuddling in bed. Rick mentions that all he wants to do in these last moments is cuddle and have sex. First of all, I stand corrected – I guess Janelle is giving it up. And second, “in these last moments”? You’re not going to war, man, it’s a budget trip to the tackiest part of Mexico. You’ll probably come back alive.

The moment she’s out the door, Rick starts telling us how he loves Janelle, but he’s worried something’s going to happen in Cancun. Then he attacks Horsey with a big orange cone and informs the world that she has yet to see a black penis. Girl, get on it! I’ve seen one, and I’m not even black. Brianna the Stripper tells Rick to keep dreaming, and then she takes hold of the orange cone to wonder who will be getting laid in Cancun. My money’s on Slick Nick, who’s busy doing a little jig in the background.

I think we can all safely assume it won’t be Goody. She still has a headache.

And then they head out! They’re on the party bus en route to the airport, and Rick says that Goody Sarah will be hanging with him to try and keep him out of as much trouble as he’s been trying to get her into. Yeah, you can always depend on Goody to efficiently suck the fun out of any given situation.

We rejoin the group outside the airport in Cancun, where they are greeted by a total nerd oddly named Mayo (huh?) who’s wearing a super cool backpack and tells them that this will be the best week of their lives! Oh, and Mayo’s from StudentCity.com. I feel that I must mention that, cause all the roommates have been sure to throw it in, and obviously StudentCity.com is looking for some love. There you go, StudentCity.com, now if you have any fabulous trips in your catalogue, sign me up. I’m not a student, but I’ll have sex with one if they’re cute.

Of course, Blondie’s remembered to pack her ignorance in her suitcase, and tells us that she only thought of Cancun as a spring break destination and assumed it would be dirty, but it’s actually beautiful. Mayo gives them a tour, and they actually end up at a place that all of us Rock of Lovers will find familiar – the ME Resort! Oh, and speaking of Rock of Love, Muppet Daisy and Dave Navarro (met him, hot in a really, really dirty way). Discuss. But back to the show at hand. “I’m on top of the world!” yells Slick Nick. Uhhhh, doesn’t he mean “King of the World”? Get your Titanic references right, my friend. I take this very seriously.

I thought we were being sent to a compound full of maids and gardeners. My bad.

Rick James and Dolt waste no time in filling the hot tub with bubbles and getting immensely silly. And then it’s back on the Cancun version of the party bus, which takes the to the Cancun booze cruise. There’s a dance show, which of course Dolt manages to infiltrate. He immediately jumps up with some Footloose style move, and knocks over a guy and a garbage can. It’s hilarious. And then they replay it. Even more hilarious the second time.

Rick James tells us the night is full of temptation. He gets on a microphone and starts baiting Horsey. He tells us they have a connection, because they both like to get wild, party, dance and drink. Then he tells us there’s a challenge there. No challenge at all, sweetie, this ho’s for the taking. Stripper predicts it’s going to happen too.

There’s a montage of shots, body shots, mouth to mouth shots, any kind of shot you can think of. Horsey tells Rick she doesn’t want to drink a shot off his stomach, she wants to drink it off “something else”. Yeah, big fucking challenge, this one. Goody looks on, and mentions that Rick’s really screwing this one up. Oh come on, who didn’t see this coming?

Horsey tells Rick that he can make her orgasm with only his voice right now. Then they head off behind the bushes together and make out. Until he pulls away, and goes crying to Dolt that he “did a bad thing tonight”. Horsey sits down and looks, well, rejected. She tells us that she’s upset with herself for slipping up, because this is the person who she used to be, but isn’t anymore.

Get ready for the “I’m not really a whore, it was just the editing,” explanation, coming soon to a television screen near you.

The next morning, Rick James is full of regret. He comes up with the brilliant plan that if he kisses everyone else in the house, then it won’t count. Dolt and Slick aren’t really down with the plan, but Dolt does generously offer to let Rick tickle his balls. What a sweet suggestion.

And then it’s time to play with the dolphins. For the record, I do not agree with this activity. I think it’s mean to trap dolphins in a pool and make them play with ignorant Real Worlders. Naturally, this has only been Blondie’s lifelong dream. And the dolphins are pretty damn cute. And well choreographed. Did you know that dolphins are the only mammals besides humans that recognize their reflections in the mirrors?

That night, Goody pretends to be BFF with Horsey to get the deets on the big hookup the night before. At least she doesn’t cloak her inquisition in any of her holier than thou “I was just looking out for Janelle” crap, she flat out admits she wants the dirt. Well, thank you Miss Goody, we do too! At first Horsey plays dumb. “What are you talking about?” she asks Goody. But since one of the prerequisites for playing dumb is not actually being dumb, it isn’t look before she gets a huge smile on her face and starts spilling the beans.

Allegedly, at the airport, Rick James told Horsey that he has had the hots for her all along, and the moment she came through the door of the Real World house, he was regretting being in a relationship. What a line. But Horsey’s fallen for it. Horsey says she’s worried about what effect this whole Rick James thing is going to have on her intense, one month long relationship with her boyfriend back home. Gimme a break.

Goody tells Rick that she knows what happened with Horsey. She tells Rick that he should call Janelle from Mexico and tell her. Bad idea, babe. Who wants to get that phone call from their boyfriend’s vacation? Rick admits that he knew this was going to happen, and that’s why he wanted to hang with Goody. “Well, then you should’ve hung with me!” she tells him. Amen to that. I know, I know, but in the battle of Horsey and Goody, I think I have to choose Goody. I have yet to see one redeeming quality in Horsey, and I think if I were forced at gunpoint, I could probably come up with one or two for Goody.

Best boner killer in history.

The next morning, the group heads to Playa del Carmen, which is actually a part of Mexico that I like. Excellent diving. Rick sits in the hotel room with his cell phone, debating whether to call Janelle. Slick tries to talk him out of it. Tells him to put it on hold until the trip is over. Rick James is sure regretting that kiss with Horsey. He wishes it never happened.

The next day, they head out sightseeing with a guy Blondie calls “a hard core tour guide”. They’re in a jungle, running the zip line, and then Rick James and Goody are off in a cave together. Horsey notes that she’s been distancing herself from Rick (uhhh…isn’t it the other way around?) and she’s noticing that he’s gravitating more and more toward Goody. She points out that he has to have a girl around at all times. Well, that does sound right.

That night, Dolt, Rick and Slick sit around lamenting that there are no skanky hos to hit on in Playa del Carmen. And just then, Dolt spies a cute blonde and her less attractive friend sitting alone. He hits on them, and next thing you know, everyone’s back in the Real World hotel suite. But Rick James is out! Good for you, Rick! He calls Janelle, who tells him she misses him and can’t wait for him to come back. And good call on ditching the two new girls, they leave Dolt and Slick with nary a tongue kiss goodbye. Damn, I miss Hollywood Blvd.

The next day, they’re taking speedboats out, and Dolt is pumped! Yeah! Pump it up! Cue boring montage of Real Worlders on boats. And some pretty fish. See, told you good diving in Playa del Carmen. They’re only snorkeling and still seeing awesome stuff. They take a cute group photo, and then it’s nighttime again. They’re going to eat at a fancy restaurant, and then the conversation gets interesting.

Stripper overhears Blondie, Rick and Goody talking about whether of not the girls would physically fight someone who was trying to take their man. Goody says that she wouldn’t sink to that level. Me either, doll, I’d give the ho in question my sweetest smile, grab my man and walk away. But Stripper disagrees with this course of action with one of her patented, “Oh hellllllll no’s”, to which Goody replies, “Well, we know you would, cause there’s a warrant out for your arrest!” Okay, this was bitchy, but it also happens to be ummm…how do you say….TRUE.

That warrant was for beating the shit out of someone. Watch your step, biatch.

But Stripper is highly offended by the comment. She tells Goody that comments like that need to cease, and Dolt reminds us that this was just one of many snide little comments that Blondie and Goody are always making to Stripper. And I guess Strip’s been trying to be a good sport and let them go, but not tonight. She gets her finger in Goody’s face, and tells them certain things that these two say don’t need to be said. She tells them if they don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. Blondie rolls her eyes, and Goody tells Stripper not to make a scene. I’m torn. Stripper does have a good point about all the little comments, but a nice restaurant is hardly the time to address it.

Goody tells us how embarrassing it is. Stripper tells us she doesn’t care if they call her ghetto, she’s got a point to make. Goody and Blondie laugh, because they’re just sooooo much better than her, and Blondie tells Stripper meanly, “We don’t care.”. We. Aren’t those ignorant brain cells getting exhausted working double shifts in both Goody and Blondie’s heads? Rick James also notes that Stripper has every right to feel the way she does, but it’s not the time and place.

Stripper and Horsey step outside, and Stripper says that she’s been holding her tongue for far too long. Horsey agrees, but probably only cause she’s jealous that Goody’s been hanging out with Rick James. Meanwhile, Blondie and Goody are in the bathroom, admiring themselves in the mirror while Blondie says that it’s the “most trashiest thing you can do”, to hit someone physically. The “most trashiest”. Enough said, sweetie.

America’s Most Smartest Waddle

Blondie exits the bathroom with a sign and a “My mama raised me different.” And Stripper’s outside talking about how her mama raised her, which was not to let people talk shit on her to her face. Slick tells Stripper that everyone knows that there are issues with the girls, but to bring it to light now is just going to ruin the vacation for everyone. Stripper says that Goody and Blondie are spoiled and stuck up, but that she’s done with it.

Sure enough, the next day, Stripper is acting like nothing ever happened. Which is a considerate way to go. Goody says that she “honestly didn’t mean to insult Bri” with her comment. So what, it was a compliment? But if Stripper wants to ignore the whole thing, that’s fine with Goody.

Rick James is not handling the cheating kiss with Horsey well. His mind is racing. He has to tell Janelle. But instead of telling her, he emails her like a total pussy. Rick, I’m so disappointed. But at least he follows it up with a phone call. He tells Janelle it was no big deal, everyone was kissing everyone…but Janelle wants details. “Who kissed who?” she demands to know. Rick says nothing. “Who kissed who?” she repeats. And finally, Rick James comes clean.

Rick tries to tell Janelle that it wasn’t that serious, and they can talk about it when he gets home. But Janelle tells him there’s nothing to talk about, and she’s getting off the phone. Slick comes in to commiserate, and Rick tells him that it’s done. He feels horrible, but he thinks he did the right thing by telling Janelle. Well, considering it was recorded on camera, I would say so, yeah. Slick tells Rick that “girls come and go”, which is kind of a poor attitude cause a) Rick really liked Janelle, and b) it sort of makes it seem like Rick did nothing wrong.

Haley Duff songs are playing in his head right now. Oh, the pain!

“So, I guess you have your wingman now,” Rick tells Slick. Okay tiger, way to get over it. What did that take, five seconds? That night, Rick tells Horsey that he and Janelle are broken up and Horsey tells us that she feels terrible. Oh please. Go peddle your manure somewhere else, ho. She hopes that it wasn’t just because of her, Horsey tells Rick. “Well, yeah,” Rick tells her. And Horsey is now very, very concerned about her serious, one month long relationship.

And the next day, it’s time to go home. “Mexi-coh was amazing,” Blondie tells us, and she is grateful to have experienced such an amazing country. Just as long as she didn’t have to be in the dirty parts. Blondie, please never leave the U.S. again. You are the reason why people hate Americans. Slick gives one more shout out to StudentCity.com, so I will too. Look, I never got my chaise people. Dolt is sad to be leaving Mexico as well. Or, “mucho saddo”, as he puts it. My stay-in-the-U.S. advice to Blondie goes for Dolt too.

Horsey, however, cannot wait to get home because One Month Jeremy is there! On the van ride back to the airport, they congratulate Dolt on not having been arrested, and then they make fun of his pidgin Spanish, which is pretty funny. But all Dolt knows is he had a great time. They head up the escalator at the airport, the plane takes off, and adios, Mexico.

You can’t tell, but the doorman is crying.

As soon as they get into the Real World house, Horsey is on the phone with her boyfriend. “Do you want to come over?” she asks eagerly. Why, come to the Real World house? Of course he does! He only started dating her for her Real World alternate status in the first place. He enters the hallowed temporary fencing, and Horsey tells us that he has a huge smile on his face and he’s so happy to see her. Humility, sweet humility.

She intros him around the house. Stripper barely looks up from her magazine to anoint him gorgeous. Yeah, nobody cares about the alternate roommate’s boyfriend. Are they really going to try and make a storyline out of this? Slick thinks he seems like a cool guy. Horsey is worried about telling One Month Jeremy about cheating with Rick James. She takes him out, but cause she’s a total loser, she takes him to the only place in Hollywood she knows, the Improv Olympics bar. Way to show the dude a good time. Oh, and she chickens out of telling him about the kiss with Rick. Zzzzzzzz.

The next day, Rick James calls Janelle. He really does seem to be taking this break up hard. But Janelle surprises him by answering. She has to say “hello” about five times before Rick can even speak, and when he does, he tells her he doesn’t know what to say because he didn’t think she was going to pick up the phone. Really? Cause there’s a whole week of shooting left, and Janelle surely wasn’t going to miss out on that. “Well, say what you were going to say on my answering machine then,” Janelle snaps at him. You go girl! Make him face up to this! Then she talks for him, and tells him that in his brave, brave email, he wasn’t even apologetic.

He assures her that he is sorry, but she’s so disappointed. “I know you are, but I need your friendship right now,” he tells her. Oh please. Now he wants her friendship? Janelle isn’t having it, or at least not til he begs her a little more. Rick says that he’s used to being able to talk his way out of things, but in Janelle, he’s met his match. Janelle tells him she’ll never understand why he would do something so retarded, and to enjoy the rest of his time in LA. That’s it?

The next day at the Improv, One Month Jeremy is telling Rick James that he has to come visit him back home, he’ll be his tour guide. I love how Rick is making besties with Horsey’s boyfriend, it’s totally pissing Horsey off. She stands in a corner stewing. But she stews in profile, so at least she looks prettier. Rick says he feels cheated by Horsey, because he came clean to Janelle, but Horsey never did with her boyfriend.

And then, it’s time for One Month Jeremy to go home. Well, that trip lasted five minutes. And Horsey never tells him about the kiss. She gives a whole long excuse about why not. I could care less. Are we done with these two? Okay yes, it looks like we are. What a waste of screen time.

Me too! I’m carrying a baby with a tiny sweatband on.

That night, Dolt and Slick are complaining about Rick’s sulky mood. If she told him it was over, than it’s over and he needs to move on, is Dolt’s advice. “This isn’t Tres Amigos, it’s like Dos and a Half,” he exclaims. Oh, good one Dolt. I find you adorable once about every six episodes.

So later that night, they take Rick James out to cheer him up. And it works. They’re back on Hollywood Blvd., drinking and dancing, and next thing you know, there’s two hos in the cab with Rick and Dolt and one of them whispers to Rick, “Four.” That’s right, as in foursome. As in sex with four people. Oh my. Of course, the boys are down with it. “This is going on the dude resume!” yells Dolt excitedly.

Might get those little peanuts tickled after all.

Rick James runs around the house like a crazy little boy, getting everything ready for all the sex while Dolt starts getting the girls lubed up in the bedroom. Horsey can’t believe that this is really happening right now. “It just proves that he’s really easily influenced,” she bitches about Rick. Whatever, he doesn’t like you, the only way you got him to kiss you was when he was drunk and thousands of miles away from his girl, and even when she dumped him, you were still out of the picture. Get over it.

Stripper comes home and hears about the orgy, and she’s thrilled to pieces. She goes flying through the house to get a peek. Even Goody and Blondie are trying to look in. Blondie says that Rick’s trying to get over his hurt with a “dirty, disgusting orgy”. Jealous much? They don’t really show any of it on TV though, not even the moving around under the sheets with the night vision cameras, which means it must have been a really, really dirty one. After it’s all over, Rick James (did I name him perfectly or what?) and Dolt run into the kitchen high fiving each other like mad, Rick bangs on some pots and pans and Dolt lays on the floor kicking his feet up in the air. Playin’ it cool, guys.

The next morning, guess who’s on the phone? That’s right, it’s Janelle. I told you she wasn’t going to let this thing go while cameras were still rolling. If there’s one thing I know, it’s a reality show camera whore. She wants to meet up, which Rick responds to with a very lackluster, “ummmmmm, yeah.” Now he’s thinking about the orgy from the night before. “I’m an idiot,” he moans. Whatever, Ross Geller. You were on a break!

Janelle wants to rehash. What happened? I want every detail, she tells him. This conversation couldn’t be less necessary, but it’s getting Janelle one more scene, so well done, Miss Personal Relations. She wants to know what he was thinking. “I wasn’t thinking, I was drinking,” he says brilliantly. He has nothing more to say. All he knows is that he wants this girl back in his life, whatever it takes.

He goes into the bathroom and has a deep moment staring in the mirror…and starts fake crying. He thinks about horseradish and wasabi sauce, and it just happens. Is he serious? Yes he is! And it works! He comes back to the table, and Janelle gives him a big hug. “I don’t want people to see me like this,” he says softly. Oh, this is masterful. But Janelle is so going to kick his ass when she sees this. This bitch is not going to appreciate being played the fool, on television no less.

If wasabi doesn’t work, remember that you teabagged Dolt last night.

And that’s it! Well, this was one action packed episode. I’m still reeling from Rick’s final performance. That was some impressive shit. But good for him. Girls use that trick all the time, why shouldn’t a guy benefit from it too? And as for next week, well, it’s all over! Can you believe it? Meathead Joey comes back for one final soliloquy, Blondie auditions for Entertainment Tonight and eats it (which will hopefully kickstart that coke addiction I’ve been waiting for all season) and there’s a Real World fight at Area, which I guess means that Area’s officially dead. So see you then!