Sarah Needs A Cold Shower, Self-Esteem

A few weeks ago, I wrote a preview of The Real World: Philadelphia where I made predictions on the characters based on their bios. A lot of my comments were misfires (such as saying that Landon was gay and Karamo was hot for Shavonda), but such is the nature of the beast when you’re writing a jokey preview based on essentially nothing. Some people enjoyed the post, but not everyone was a fan. Some people on the TheRealWorldPhilly.com forums had this to say about me:

Whoever wrote the article is an uninformed jackass. It was obvious after the first paragraph that this person did ZERO research and just wrote the article based on flimsy common knowledge. I’ve seen better articles written by 8th graders.

Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, even if they are bitter and a little too wrapped up in what a random blogger like me has to say about the Real World. But after last night’s episode, I think I can safely defend my writing as Sarah efficiently fulfilled my predictions in just thirty minutes. Slut.For those of you needing a refresher, here’s what I said about Sarah before the season began:

Sarah’s the sort of hot girl who thinks she’s a lot hotter than she probably is. She’ll probably hook up a few times and boast about using her sex appeal, but ultimately she’ll be frustrated when guys aren’t as attracted to her as she’d like. Of course this will channel itself into jealousy towards the other girls and petty hatred towards the guy who will reject her after she sloppily hits on him when drunk.

Who knew this completely transparent behavior would come to fruition so quickly tonight? After spending the entire premiere episode doing everything to woo MJ just short of airing a nationally televised commercial, Sarah found new opportunities for sad desperation when the air conditioning died at the Real World House. What better chance was there to jump into MJ’s bed and writhe around as if the mattress were somehow pleasuring her.

The sneaky Bunim/Murray surveillance camera caught an intense night of… sleeping and… more sleeping. There was some minor spooning and a little peck on the back of the neck by MJ, but overall, this was far below the night vision bar that Cara had set so high back in Chicago. Apparently though, in Sarah’s book the slumber party counted as a hookup because that’s what she was telling people the next night at a club. That was a hookup? No wonder Sarah thinks she’s so sexual. She gets a kiss on the cheek from an old friend and she thinks she’s just had sex.

Well, with Sarah thinking she’s hot stuff and her loins burning for MJ and his Grecian locks, it was only a matter of time before her sexual frustration and drunken state would combine to make the most stereotypical floozy EVER. Clearly moving beyond the intense spooning session from the night before, MJ found himself surrounded by amazingly hot women who truthfully outclassed Sarah in just about every way. Now, during the last episode, Sarah commented that she likes to just make out or have sex with a guy and not have a relationship – she doesn’t understand why there has to be an emotional attachment. Great. So she obviously won’t have any issues with MJ flirting with the flaxen beauties all around him. Uh, no. Apparently, when Sarah said she didn’t want a relationship, she meant that she only wanted to sound self-possessed and independent but not actually be self-possessed and independent.

Of course this meant that Sarah had to start up the old rationalizations. First she claimed the blonde girl MJ was moving in on was chubby and had bad roots. Did Sarah happen to see Bruce Vilanche or something? I don’t know what she was thinking. I also have to say this: In her bio, Sarah says that she’s rebounding from an eating disorder. Wouldn’t she be sensitive to people’s physical flaws? Has she learned anything? I guess not. Well, after hating on the girls, it was time to hate the playa. Sarah drunkenly moaned “He’s mesmerized by badly dyed blonde hair.” Actually, I think MJ was mesmerized by the smokin’ hot body (and the general lack of desperation/sluttiness).

Sarah ended off the episode drunkenly advertising herself by saying “I could rock your world. I could rock your world.” It was sort of like a classier version of saying “Hey big boy, you looking for a good time tonight?”

While Sarah was manifesting her inner demons into sexual desperation, the rest of the cast dealt with relatively boring dilemmas that, come to think of it, I also predicted. Shavonda and MJ provided us with not one, but two sets of hometown honeys that resulted in more boring phonecalls that spiral into arguments and then end with the girl saying “Forget it.” To MJ’s credit, he and his girlfriend handled their business so quickly and effortlessly that I wanted to send them a thank you basket. Instead of fighting or crying or being passive aggressive, the two giggled off their break up as if it were some silly joke. More power to them.

This clean breakup was of course why MJ was able to go to the club and flirt with the women. Personally, I would have liked the footage to have ended there, but Bunim/Murray just had to show us annoying closeups of MJ making out with the blonde girl, and I’ll tell you something. It wasn’t pretty. MJ kisses like he’s in a no-handed pie eating contest. It was reminiscent of Jim Carey and Lauren Holly’s kiss in “Dumb and Dumber.”

Elsewhere in the world of annoying sexual intrigue was Shavonda who seems to have honed both Irulan and Arissa from Vegas. Let’s see what I wrote about her in the preview:

Shavonda brings a full set of baggage to the house, including a boyfriend from home… Nevertheless, Shavonda likes jocks. I would introduce her to Landon, but he HATES being called a jock (and he might like men??). Unfortunately, our fine lass also enjoys being pursued, which has me fearing some sort of multi-episode arc of mind games and endless flirtation, à la Cameran and Brad or Irulan and Alton.

Well, we know that Landon doesn’t like men, but he does like Shavonda. And surprise surprise, she likes him. Score another point for the Real World preview. Sensing already that she might cheat on her scarecrow of a boyfriend, Shavonda called him up and said might want to break things off so that she doesn’t feel guilty for doing something like, I don’t know, cheating. Is it that hard to be faithful, people? Shavonda justified this by saying she thought it would be better to date around a lot and then return to her man for the rest of her life. Yes, nothing says love like “I’m settling for you.” These people are crazy, and the burgeoning Shavonda/Landon love story promises to be a boring longterm theme. The only thing that might keep it interesting would be Landon’s drunken rampages and Confessional farts. Eh, not even that is making me excited.