Saving Face

Tonight’s Real World provided more of that skull-crunching drama we’ve come to expect from Austin. As usual, we spent our time waffling back and forth between drunken debauchery and sullen skull fractures, only this time, we added a new face to the mix: Leo the bartender. For those of you too busy to read a whole recap, here’s the gist of it: Rachel now likes Wes, but Wes likes Johanna. And Johanna likes likes Danny. And Danny likes Melinda. And Melinda likes shiny objects. And balls of yarn. Actually, just balls. Now that I think of it though, since Melinda and Rachel made out in the first episode, the circle of lust is complete. Sorry, Nehemiah and Lacey. We’ll see you guys on the reunion show.The episode began with yet another reiteration of the punch heard around the world. Yes, nothing says fun like watching grainy footage of physical assault. Just about the only thing more entertaining is grainy footage of sexual relations. Basically, whenever a Bunim/Murray show gets grainy, you know you’re watching some good shit.

Anyway, things seemed to be just lovely at the Real World house as we kicked off the show. Sun was shining, birds were chirping, the pool was flowing. But alas! Danny was filled with apprehension about his upcoming surgery. “I have so many questions,” he lamented. “Will I look the same after surgery?” No, the doctors will unalterably transform you into a hideous BEAST! So long Abercrombie catalogue. Hello, chandelier-dropping in Parisian opera houses!

Still, Danny remained concerned: “I don’t want like one eye to be like down here.” Yes, because that always happens. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people go in for routine surgery only to emerge with one eye on their jaw. It’s called Eye-Jaw. Really horrific. But hey, at least it’s better than Penis-Nipple.

“I don’t want to be such a disappointment… I feel like one,” Danny then said. Yes, you are a disappointment. Don’t you realize how many bloodlines have gone into making you so pretty? And you’re going to throw it all away by getting a SCAR. That is why you wear an eye patch of SHAME!

Luckily, whatever regret and anguish Danny felt would soon be quarantined off to a dark, secretive place that psychologists often refer to as their “paychecks.” You see, Danny’s family has a way of handling problems by… well, not handling them at all. “My family never dwells on anything. If something happened, forget about it. Move on.” Mmm… now that’s the sort of tasty repression that makes the best alcoholics. Just ask Landon from Philadelphia.

All this skull babbling has really made me antsy. Let’s go partying! Woohooo! Because it’s never too serious an episode to booze it up, the non-skull-fractured roommates decided to hit up the Austin nightlife yet again. We then cut to footage of Lacey sipping her sensible beer. Oh shit! Looks like someone’s gonna get lightly buzzed!

Meanwhile, over in the corner, Wes found himself saddled by Private Thunder Thighs a.k.a. Rachel. Now, I’m not one to usually make fun of a woman’s legs, but between the camera angle and her miniskirt, well… let’s just say she would have been warmly welcomed on the rugby squad. Being much more overt than me about their bashing were two locals, who yelled at Wes, “Get a prettier girl!” A bold statement, coming from two not-so-pretty girls. Surprisingly enough, despite being offended by the comments, Rachel didn’t launch into full scale bitch mode. You know that if Johanna were around, the floors would have run red with the blood of a thousand scratches. Nevertheless, Wes stood up to the girls, causing hearts to appear in Rachel’s eyes. “Wes is rising rapidly in terms of who I think is cool, ” she said. Also rising rapidly on her list: Doritos.

Anyway, despite Rachel’s newfound love for her Kansas City roommate, Wes’s attention was firmly on Johanna. I don’t know why, but maybe her buckteeth / raging alcoholism was a turn-on. In the self-deluded comment of the night, Johanna noted, “I don’t like it when people say they like me.” Yes, and we all saw how happy you were when Danny didn’t say he liked you two episodes ago. Just shut up and go away.

Speaking of Danny, his dad arrived to be with his son during the surgery. In what was sure to be one of many heebie-jeebies moments of the season, Danny had his pops touch his broken eye-socket to feel the extent of the damage. Danny then noted how his cheekbone on the left side of his face was all smashed in. Sadly, no barf bags were provided for this scene.

The next night at yet another club, Wes told Lacey (whose sexy polka-dotted top almost exposed her collar bone. Grrrrowl) how much he liked Johanna, but even more revealing was his nifty Freudian slip. “I’m used to going for guys like Johanna,” he said, quickly correcting his wording to “girls”. He then added, “I love taking it up the ass– I mean, kissing women.”

Later, Wes confronted Johanna and said, “I’m drunk right now; so I can be truthful.” Yes, it’s the Real World mantra. Actually, it’s more like the alcoholism mantra, but hey, at this point, it’s all the same, right? Well, Wes confessed to Johanna that he really likes her a lot, but she happily rebuffed him, saying that she couldn’t– absolutely couldn’t — hurt Rachel that way. For real! She’s not playing hard to get! And she’s not trying to prolong Wes’s unabashed attention! Johanna has total respect for her roommates, and she’s not about to trample on Rachel’s territory. She would never do that. Just ask Melinda. Oh wait…

Well, after getting served a heaping plate of rejection, Wes consoled himself with, you guessed it, alcohol! Hey, haven’t we already seen this before? You know, like two weeks ago? Apparently, The Real World has become completely postmodern. The cast is now acting out its own rerun. Who would have thought these guys would be the Thomas Pynchon of Bunim/Murray?

Soon, Wes’s liquid courage had morphed into liquid imbalance as the girls had to practically carry him through the streets of Austin. “Sometimes I feel like I play the mother in the house,” Lacey told us in an interview. Well, that’ll happen when you have more than six functioning brain cells on this show. Now get off my screen and let me look at the drunk pretty people!

Anyway, as Wes swayed and stumbled towards his bedroom, Johanna and Rachel noshed on popcorn in the phone lounge. I don’t really remember what they were saying because A) it was banal; and B) I was too distracted by Johanna talking with a mouth full of masticated popcorn. How about you shut your trap so I don’t have to see your homegrown saliva cornmeal?

Everyone Loves A Spicy Latina… who chews with her mouth CLOSED.

The next morning, it was finally time for Danny to have surgery, but not before brushing his teeth. Unfortunately, he accidentally used Nehemiah’s toothbrush, and I was instantly sad that Cameran from San Diego wasn’t there for commentary. “I can now say that I’ve seen a black person’s tooth brush, and it’s really cool!”

Anyway, once the dental hygiene antics were over, Danny headed to the hospital with his dad. Hey, where the hell has Melinda been this episode? All this drama, and she’s hardly flashed her perky smile on the screen. Well, the nurses brought Danny to his bed, and as they pulled back the curtain, who should be there but Melinda! There she is! How long had she been there? Who let her in? Were promise rings exchanged?

While we pondered these weighty issues, Danny’s dad met with the doctors who explained the surgical procedure. Here’s me during the scene: “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA… Is it over? No? LA LA LA LA LA LA…” I also tend to do that when “Yes, Dear” comes on, but who doesn’t? Okay, that implies that I actually watch that show, so let’s just forget it.

Back at the bedside, Melinda honed in on what was most important. “I still think you look hot!” she crowed. Well, that’s good. I mean, considering their relationship is based purely on the fact that they’re both physically attractive, it’s pretty important that she still thinks Danny’s hot. What happens though if he returns from surgery looking less hot? I guess Bunim/Murray will just have to crank up the sorrowful guitars and show footage of Melinda’s chin trembling as she says, “I… I just don’t know anymore.”

Ah, but the parade of stupid comments continued. In an interview, Melinda commented, “I feel so close to him. If he would never have gotten hit, I might never gotten this opportunity to get to know Danny on such a deep level.” WELL THANK GOD FOR THAT! He should get his skull cracked more often! By the way, Melinda, you do realize you have FOUR MONTHS with this guy. I’m sure between the humping and the drinking, there might be time for some casual conversation and bonding. Right? Please say yes.

Anyway, Danny was sure to return the high praise. “When I’m with her, I don’t even remember that I have a broken face. It’s pretty cool.” That’s great. That’s really great. Maybe you should write a Hallmark card:

When I’m with you
I forget that my skull is broken.
Because you are wicked hot.
Cool.

Okay, Melinda. Ball’s in your court. Give me something good!

“This could be the last time i ever see him.”

Yes. Those dangerous eye surgeries. Nothing says risky like a procedure which will be 100% healed in seven days. You should see what happens when she has to go to the dentist: “I fear that I might come back paralyzed.”

Anyway, after Dad kissed Danny on the head (watch the eye, jerk!), the doctors whisked away their patient. As for me, I was kinda hoping for that eye on the jaw thing, but whatever. Nevertheless, Danny’s guests waited around during the surgery, and I couldn’t help noticing Melinda sitting behind the receptionist. WTF? Why does this girl have free reign over this hospital? Next thing you know, she’ll be performing open heart surgery — but only on the really hot patients.

Well, here’s the good news. The Igor-ish surgeon emerged to say that the procedure went off without a hitch. Later, as Danny groggily came to, Melinda asked the question on everyone’s minds: “Wanna take some body shots, Danny?” She then added, “Seriously, my entire body’s been shaking for the past forty five minutes. I need to drink some alcohol.”

Ah well. Enough of this Austin medical drama. We cut back to the mansion where Lacey was soaking her albino skin in the pool. Everyone, do NOT go in the pool. The outcast is swimming. I repeat, the outcast is swimming.

Lacey taints the pool with her “virtue” and “non-whorish ways.”

Later, Johanna, Wes, and Rachel headed out to a bar again (way to visit Danny in the hospital, jerks) where we met Leo, a bartender. I’m not sure if it was because he was good looking or because he was simply providing her with alcohol, but Leo became Johanna’s next obsession. She described their relationship as “Attraction at first sight,” or as Leo might say, “Easy tips and a blowjob on the side.” Nevertheless, only seconds after meeting Leo, Johanna was already having him do body shots off her. You see? That’s the episode’s theme! Body shots! Who says this show doesn’t have substance anymore?

Anyway, these body shots were probably Johanna’s ploy to make Wes jealous, but something tells me he was more jealous of her than Leo, if you catch my drift. Still, his pride (no pun intended) was hurt, and at the end of the night, Wes declared that he was through with Johanna’s games. Oh, and Nehemiah showed up for about two seconds to talk some sense into him. It’s too bad there’s no little window for Nehemiah to poke his head out of. You know, like Jacquese from San Diego or Pearl from 227. That was the best. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, well, just pretend I didn’t say anything at all. (But seriously, does anyone remember Jacquese and that window?).

Well, the episode finally ended with Danny’s triumphant return home. We learned that during his recovery period, he was not to exert himself in any way: no drinking, no partying, no sex. Hmmm… That last one might be a little difficult for Melinda. “I can try to hold out for a week,” she laughed. So you’re going to risk breaking his face all over again because you’re horny? Now that’s the sort of self-centered Real World mentality I like to see!