After slaving through a week of work, I embraced this weekend with the cheery optimism that one heck of a Real World: Austin Reunion waited for me on the Tivo. Well, I was half right. The reunion was there on the Tivo, but like this season, I had to sit through stretches of super boring blabbing just to get to the fun gooey center. To be fair though, when this reunion heated up, it was great. In fact, it was almost better than this entire season, which is why it perplexed me that resident springer spaniel Suzie from TRL kept putting the kibosh on the drama and cutting to commercial. Damn her and her bland moderation skills!Now, I don’t know exactly how this episode kicked off because my Tivo managed to snip off the first few minutes. Actually, it wasn’t the Tivo’s fault. MTV was a little early with it’s schedule, and so by the time I pressed play, we were already reliving that wonderful fight on the final episode. We then returned to the MTV studio where a cozy audience was all lying around like this was the bestest slumber party evah! Surely they were as enrapt as we were with Danny’s mystical makeover. Yes, the surly Bostonian greeted us with a shimmering new set of ultra-white veneers which beautifully contrasted his butternut-squash tan. Or should I say, “orange.” That’s right, ladies and gents. Danny’s gone Hollywood on us, which means it’ll be all the more entertaining six months from now when he realizes that no one really gives a shit about who he is. Rampant alcoholism and depression shall ensue.
“Check out my new chompahs!”
So back to the discussion at hand. What REALLY happened during that final fight. Well, Wes insisted again that the whole sex-with-Wren thing was supposed to be a secret. He had actually told Rachel about it in the shower when he wasn’t mic’d and no cameras were around. Normally, that’s called gossiping. But hey, this is The Real World not the real world.
Wes then explained how his tender little heart felt once Rachel blabbed to Wren: “The number one word I felt was ‘betrayed.’” He felt a word? I didn’t know that was possible.
Rachel then apologized and said she had a big mouth (insert snack food joke here), and then Wes said everything was cool, and then Lacey cut through all the bullshit and scoffed, “I don’t understand why she [Wren] cared. Wren works at Hooters. It’s not like she’s an Amish respectful church-goer.” Wha-whaaa? Wren works at Hooters. Okay, she’s officially an idiot. You don’t hook up with someone on a REALITY SHOW and then complain when word gets out. And you especially don’t complain when you spend all night shaking your ass for horny guys at Hooters. Shut up, WREN!
As for the whole Nehemiah/Rachel thing, Lacey then noted, “Nehemiah knows just what to say to make her crawl under the foozball table and have a seizure.” Now that I would like to see! I mean, we already missed her launch into the basketball net. Well, a contrite Nehemiah offered up a somewhat lame excuse for his actions, saying that the only reason why he pushes Rachel’s buttons so much is because it’s easy and deep down he loves her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You already shot all your cool cred, Neh. You’ll have to do something absolutely amazing for us to embrace you again…
Then, sort of out of nowhere, Wes then asked, “On a scale of one to ten, how much do you like me right now, Rachel?” Wow, that was awkwardly confrontational. Rachel simply shrugged and said, “8?” Funny story: a friend of mine was once on Blind Date. She was making a total ass of herself, and at one point, she told her date, “When I first saw you, I thought you were an 8. What did you think of me?” To which the guy gave her a semi-digusted look and replied, “7.” Point is, never ask people how they would rank you because let’s face it, no one’s gonna be happy with less than a 9.
Next we moved onto the Real World: Austin police montage, but not before Suzie made a WONDERFUL joke about how the cops were the unofficial eighth cast member of the season. Oh Suzie! You are incorrigible! Well, Nehemiah informed us that all the charges from his bratwurst brawl have been dropped, and when the audience merely smiled a congratulation, the pugilistic sausage fiend implored them to “Give it up, everybody!!” YEAH! You got your assault charges dropped because you’re on MTV!! Wooo hooo!!!
As for Johanna, she learned a valuable lesson from her ordeal: “Don’t steal from bums.” Yes, Johanna made a funny, and you know what? I’m gonna give it to her. It was chuckle-worthy — even if she has been using the same line for the past few months on college tours. Well, never one to be shunned into the corner, Danny proved that he had the chops to be the last comic standing. “By the end of the whole duration there, we had the cops and the hospital on speed dial,” he guffawed. Amazingly enough, this sent Suzie into a rapturous fit of giggles, leaving me to question just how much she deserves to share the stage with such luminaries as Quddus, Damien, and of course, La La. Suzie LOVES Danny’s jokes!
Suzie and Weird Al Yankovic go to the same barber.
At this point, the reunion special had been decent, if not a bit yawn-worthy. But then things sparked to life when the roommies were faced with the inevitable Lacey gossip montage — which, by the way, is the best sort of montage. What’s so awesome about it (aside from the built-in awkwardness afterwards) is that pretty much everything Lacey says is on-point. And let’s be honest. It’s not like the other roommates don’t gossip. That’s all they have to do. It’s more like they just gossip in less ostentatious ways. Nevertheless, when Suzie put the blabbermouth on the spot for all her back-talk, Lacey insisted that she’s said the same things to people’s faces as behind their backs. Plus, Lacey also had a nifty point that she never really made fun of superficial things like physical appearance. It was more like she was simply reacting to the situation behind her. Mmmm… I love rational thought on The Real World. It’s like finding a rare diamond. Nehemiah then randomly came to Lacey’s defense, saying that she kept it real the whole time. Yeah, that’s all fine and good, Neh, but Danny was not about to have it. As the toothy tanned one revved up for a wicked awesome rant, Lacey concluded her defense by saying that everyone’s sensitive and no one likes to hear the truth about themselves. WHAT? Danny LOVES hearing the truth about himself! I mean, he took it so well every time Melinda confronted him about anything. You are loco, Lacey!
Anyway, Danny finally lashed out with his patented style of asking dumb, hostile questions: “So is it true that I don’t know what real work is? Is that true?” he asked, referring to the clip of Lacey saying that Danny’s never had a real job before since he’s always worked for his dad.
Danny continued his third-degree of Mystic Tan interrogation by asking, “I don’t know what it’s like to be out at 13 below zero like on the top of the roof, banging nails while you’re sweeping hair?” Oooh! Wicked good point! Way to one-up her without actually addressing the issue! Finally, Danny summed up his case by saying that Lacey has crapped all over him (figuratively — I hope).
“Then why am I friends with everyone here except you and Melinda? Why?” Lacey asked. Ouch! She got you Danny. Bummah!
“Why should I call you when–” Danny started, but was cut off by the rampaging Lacey:
“You don’t call me. You don’t call any of us.”
Okay Danny. What do you have to say?
“Seriously, what is wrong with you?” he asked, clearly running out of moronic things to say. Eventually, Danny got back on track and accused Lacey of being phony and nice to him in the house, to which Lacey replied that just because you don’t like someone doesn’t mean you have to be rude to them. Wait? It doesn’t? What sort of non-black and white thinking is that? Whatever, Lacey. You’re a total idiot. Clearly.
And by the way, I was totally loving this argument.
Danny then said he thought he was really good friends with Lacey, but she balked, “We never talked!” Yes, you did! You said hello and goodbye. Sometimes. Well, Danny would have none of it. “Oh, that’s crap, Lacey. Stop playing that card, seriously.” Card? What card? The “you walked away from me when I tried to talk to you” card? Huh — Danny does have a point. Just because he walked away during every conversation doesn’t mean that she should act like they weren’t best buds.
Way to take the label off, jerk.
With the argument having meandered into all sorts of different areas, Lacey brought everything back to the original accusation, saying that in the clip, she merely meant that Danny working for his dad is not necessarily the same as working for a bad, non-related boss. “Okay, go work for my dad. He’ll kick the shit out of you, trust me,” Danny sneered, causing the audience to react with shocked “Whoas!” Actually, I don’t think the audience did that, but it was nice of MTV to let us think they did.
“Lacey, stop lying,” Danny then said at one point.
“Stop being so insecure and yelling at everyone because you can’t handle what people say,” she replied. Boo-ya!
Just as Danny was about to lay into Lacey again (insecurely, natch), Suzie suddenly spoke up and announced that it was time to go to commercial. “OF COURSE!” snapped an angry Danny, and for once, I was with him on that. What the hell, Suze? This is like the best stuff to happen on this show for weeks, and you gotta stick your curly head into the middle? La La would never have done that!
Sadly, when we returned, the conversation had completely strayed back into stupid boring things like the dumb groupie drawer. Yawn. Nehemiah piped up that the producers never showed him having sex when in fact, he did get lots of booty. As a result, Nehemiah claimed the show made him look like a homosexual. So… do homosexuals not have sex?
Later we learned something interesting from Wes: “Rachel hooked up with every single girl that I hooked up with.” Wow, just goes to prove that Wes’s girls really do have low standards. To be fair to Rachel though, it’s not like she wanted to hook up with all those girls. Wes just had the unfortunate habit of slathering them all in cotton candy ice cream.
Oh, and in other uninteresting news, Wes and Johanna are currently dating. Fantastic.
The show then moved into seriously boring territory as it focused on Danny and Melinda again. First, we sat through a Danny’s-Mom-Dies montage, and when we returned to the studio, Suzie revealed that she cries every single time she sees that episode. Oh, poor Suzie! So emotionally vulnerable. Anyway, Danny told us that his relationship with his mom was good and that the producers made it seem like they didn’t get along. This of course led to a brief moment of choking up from Danny, which was followed by a brief moment of choking up from Melinda, which was followed by a brief moment of dozing off from me.
As for their relationship, Melinda explained that she just loved Danny at first sight. I mean, he’s so gorgeous, she noted, sadly forgetting about that whole “personality” thing. The best part of this though was that when Melinda praised Danny’s physical appearance, he pretended to be modest by making a little “Don’t be ridiculous” face, but let’s be real. We all know you think you’re hot shit, Danny. Must I remind you of your ill-advised modeling portfolio?
Just when this interminable segment could seem to get any worse, we then watched footage from the night before as Danny proposed to Melinda. Yay. They’re engaged. Let the cycle of co-dependency flourish! Most nauseating though was Suzie who chirped, “We have to thank our friends at Michael C. Fina for that beautiful, beautiful ring.” That’s right. MTV actually forked over for this unholy union. Let’s just hope this is the last we hear from these two, lest we be stuck with a painful retread of Rob and Amber Get Married.
And yes, Sharpie congratulated Danny and Melinda’s engagement. Begin the boycott now.
Anyway, let’s just get to the fun stuff. As the end of the special approached, Rachel announced that some people have changed drastically since the show ended, meaning that either they were fake in the house or fame has affected them since. This was welcomed with odd shock from the audience (clearly another edit there), and then randomly Nehemiah began the sort of rant we always want on these reunions but never get. He said that he and Melinda weren’t very cool anymore, and as for Danny, “At this point, I don’t really have good feelings towards you. Ever since the show, you think you’re Ben Affleck or something… You did The Real World; you didn’t win an Oscar.” Oh, VERY NICE! Nehemiah’s well on the way back to being “cool” with us, if I do say so myself.
As expected, Danny tried to turn the whole thing around, asking, “Who’s the one with the f*ckin’ ego?”
“You,” replied Nehemiah, adding, “Half these people don’t like you.”
“I don’t reallly give a shit,” Danny responded.
“Of course you don’t. ‘Cause that’s your ego!” Neh said. Oooh! Gotcha!
“I don’t have a f*ckin’ ego!” Danny countered, clearly forgetting his pearly new teeth, orange glow, and silly modeling photos. No ego at all!
“You don’t think so because most people who are egotistical don’t think so,” Neh attacked. Okay, Nehemiah’s officially cool again.
Unfortunately, the dependably lame Wes tried to be all gentlemanly and scolded, “Nehemiah, I think you need to be a little more respectful to your friend. I think you need to shut the f*ck up and go to commercial.” Whatever Wes. If you wanted to have “respectful” friends, you should have stayed off The Real World. By the way, does Wes have bird shit on his knee?
With tensions flaring and voices yelling, Suzie attempted to play peacekeeper, but she was clearly out of her league. “I know how you guys feel about each other, but I wanna see where everyone else is at so…” she said, as everyone ignored her. SHUT UP, SUZIE.
Things became a whole lot more fun when Rachel jumped into the mix, confirming that Danny had in fact changed. She choked up as she said, “It’s hard when you call someone, and they don’t return your call.” She then reiterated her point, saying “The only explanation was that TV made him that way, or he was fake on the show.”
Once again, Danny chose to snap back rather than think about what Rachel was saying. “Who was the one who stood up for you?” he asked, rattling off a list of times that he was supportive to her. Yes, THAT IS THE POINT! You were a good friend in the house and afterwards you became a douche to her. Of course, when it comes to Danny, he’s always the victim. Everyone’s turned on him. It’s not possible that maybe he has to mend things in his life. Rachel then said they hung out once in Boston, and the whole time he didn’t look her in the eyes once.
“Are you on crack? We met that one night with that guy Ryan! It was a good dinner!” Danny protested. Yeah, man! It was a wicked awesome dinner! How could she not appreciate the unlimited breadsticks at the Olive Garden?? RYAN liked it!
Rachel then told a story about how everyone was supposed to get together in Los Angeles. “It was supposed to be a girls day, and you wouldn’t let Melinda go with the girls!” Rachel insisted.
And what does Madame Co-Dependency have to say?
“I didn’t want to go,” Melinda replied.
“Do I give a shit whether or not Melinda goes shopping with you? No,” Danny then said as Nehemiah answered, “Yes.”
This caused Danny exasperatedly ask, “What is your problem???”
Alas, this conflagration was sadly cut short by the stern Suzie. I know, I know. But sadly, it was the end of the show. LAME. I’m sure someday Danny will look back at this and realize his roommates were only trying to help him. Oh, what am I talking about? Danny sucks.
What did you think about the reunion?