Real World Hollywood: Say Goodbye To Hollywood

So dolls, this is it. The last episode of the Real World Holllywood. Wow, time sure flies when they half the season, doesn’t it? This week, there’s a mad dash to get the careers going, there’s a beat down at a club, Meathead returns and then we say goodbye. Grab your designer shades, and let’s head out for one more trip to the land of sunshine and dreams…

I’m digging the anorexia, but you should probably stop walking around like a cripple, umkay?

We start with a final dinner at the house with Charna…and Andy Dick! Wow, we are going out with one huge celeb bang. Everyone’s a little sad. Horsey Brittini doesn’t think she had enough time in the Real World house. Well, you get what you get, alternate. Goody Sarah wants to know that she’s “going to be okay”. Well, considering she’s better than anyone else on earth, she probably will be.

“The salmon’s great!” crows Charna, Granny-like as ever. Andy Dick gives what I’m sure is meant to be a moving goodbye speech, but come on, who’s going to take a life lesson from a middle-aged has been who still makes the gossip rags on weekly basis for being in a drunken, coke induced stupor? The one funny part of the speech is when he says, “I’m forty-one. Charna’s eighty,” and Charna just nods with a mouthful of salmon. That’s right. She’s eighty, bitches.

Be patient guys. Judy Tenuta should be here soon, and then it’s gonna be totally A list.

Blondie Kim reminds us that she wants to be an entertainment reporter. She wants to work for E! Entertainment Television. Aiming high. She has no idea how to go about doing that, but she does know that it’s all about connections. See, even the dumb ones know that. She goes for a walk with Slick Nick, and complains that she doesn’t know how to make things happen. Slick tells her to take advantage of every opportunity, but Blondie has a very good reason why she isn’t doing this. “I would, but no one lets me sleep!” Uh-oh. Seacrest better watch his ass. One decent night’s sleep, and Blondie’s gonna take over.

Later on, Blondie sits in the kitchen and asks Rick James Will if he’s heard from Meathead Joey. Rick tells her no one’s heard from him, and that he’s “presumed dead”. Then Rick complains about how Meat’s been so out of touch. First of all, can you blame him? His roommates couldn’t have been less supportive of his cleaning up, but now that he’s gone he’s supposed to check in every day? And second of all, how many times do you think any of them bothered to call Meat? I’m betting none.

And you know where this one’s going…we’re going to check in with Meat back in Chicago! You know how much I miss this big lug. And true to form, Meat turns up in a hard hat to show that he’s doing important, yet dangerous work. He’s working for some company that fixes steel cages. He also unloads trucks. Sweet simplicity. He also has a girlfriend named Malaine. He mentions that she’s supportive of his sobriety. Well, he’s sure not with her for her car, some taupe piece of crap with a dent in the side and the gas tank door hanging open. Between the car and the rain coming down…poor Meat. Is he sure he couldn’t make things work with cocaine?

Is there a shortage of hair gel in Chicago, or is troll doll hair in there?

And it gets sadder. In a sad little house. With some friends, watching their backyard-wrestling meet on VHS. Everyone was sober, and that was their fun. In a completely unrehearsed moment, Meat’s bestie John asks him if he misses Hollywood. Well, he sure does miss the weather, he replies, but it wasn’t how he thought it was going to be. Oh, bless his simple little heart. What did he think it was going to be? Agency meetings with apple juice? He questions leaving…it’s something that haunts him.

We catch up with Rick James and Janelle walking down the street together and Rick’s got three things to put out there. First, he wants her to be his girlfriend again. Second, he wants a house with her. And finally, he wants three “ginger kids” with her. Okay, what? What the hell’s a ginger kid? Janelle’s confused too. You know, a red haired kid with freckles, he tells her. Oh, adorable. I’d like to have some dreadlocked kids myself, but I’m fairly certain my white ass couldn’t pull it off.

Later that night, or the next night, or whenever, these time sequences still confuse the hell out of me, we’re with the group out at a club. I know from the preview that it’s Area. Poor Area. Going from the Hills to the Real World? They’re in a downward spiral. Time to close down and revamp, Brent Bolthouse. And we don’t see exactly what happens, but all of the sudden, Stripper’s yelling that Dave Dolt’s been hit! He’s been hit!

They head outside, and Horsey tells us that Dolt’s face is all puffy, and he’s got a slit on his cheek. Dolt stands there, arms crossed, looking very uncomfortable. Here’s my take on what happened. Dolt went to Area with his cameras, thinking he was the Mr. Big Pants that he is at those hole in the wall clubs he goes to on Hollywood Blvd., but this is La Cienega, bitch, where the weaves aren’t so cheap. And someone called him out on being not nearly as cool as he thinks he is, and there you go, he’s hit.

They’re all standing outside, and Dolt says he needs to get out of there. “I know how you feel,” says Stripper sympathetically, “You feel like a little bitch right now, but you did the smart thing.” I think that takes it for best line of the season (Meathead’s soliloquies not included – they’re in a class of their own).

Being a wuss hurts, but getting hit again would hurt more. Good job, little man!

But the drama’s not over yet! All of the sudden, Rick James goes from standing around with Horsey to running over to where Dolt and Stripper stand and he grabs some guy! And it turns into a brawl! I am not kidding you, Slick’s got some dude in a headlock, fists are flying, and Stripper…oh my, she is pummeling some guy. I mean, beating his ass down. I am so in love with her right now. And as for Dolt? Well, he’s been hit again, so he just lays on the sidewalk in the fetal position, covering his head with his hands while his girl roommate beats that crap out of his aggressors. You know, Dolt’s not a bad guy, he just thinks he’s much cooler than he is, so I’m actually going to allow myself to feel a little embarrassed for him right now.

“You wanna go? You wanna go now?” Rick threatens, pulling off his belt. His belt? Now, I’m not sure how the kids are rumbling these days, but are they beating each other with belts? That’s disturbing. And a little wimpy. Although, who am I to talk. I walk the streets of New York City at all hours of the night, secure in the fact that if anyone starts with me, I’ll just stab them with the heel of my Guccis.

So they brawl and they brawl, and the lame ass security at Area kind of stands around and does nothing. They’re used to Lauren and Heidi catfights, but they have no idea how to handle this kind of action. They finally manage to break it up, and quick thinking Stripper (who we know has been down this road before, although we shouldn’t mention it because as we learned at the nice restaurant in Mexico, she’s a little sensitive about it) herds them out of there pronto. “Let’s go now! Fast! Yo, Nick you need to walk right now. It’s only a matter of time before the cops get here,” she yells as she struts off, leading the pack.

That was fun. Whattya wanna do now?

“Damn!” she continues, “Dave, my knuckles are swollen right now!” Got that Dolt? Stripper’s knuckles are swollen, while you’re shuffling along rubbing your little flesh wound. They get back to the house, Dolt walks into the kitchen with a package of frozen corn against his cheek and informs Blondie that they were in a brawl that night. “I was sucker punched!” he bemoans. Blondie looks horrified. Goody, over on the couch in her sweats and her blanket, shakes her head and rolls her eyes.

She should be grateful. Without people like her roommates brawling in clubs, who would she have to feel superior to?

The next morning, they go to the Improv Olympics and Mama Charna takes one look at Dolt and exclaims, “What the hell!?!” Dolt explains that he was “sucker punched” – twice. At least he gives props to Stripper for beating they guy down. Then he tells us how good it feels – and I’m sure he’s going to say something sarcastic about how good it feels to have a girl defend your honor in a fistfight – but I’m wrong. He just wants to say how good it feels to know that no matter what’s going on in the house, they all have each other’s backs. Well, Stripper has your back. You’re just lying on the floor, curled up – in the immortal words of Stripper – like a little bitch.

Well, then we get a little more improv action. This never gets interesting. Charna gives them direction, but they suck, as usual. Blondie tells us that improv isn’t her thing, cause she’s not funny and she’s not quick. Charna is positive as ever. “Well, it’s gonna take a while, but they’re gonna learn it,” she says cheerfully. Listen mama, if they haven’t gotten it after four months (three months? How long is this thing again?) it might be time to just admit that they’re just plain no good at it. They can’t all be Amy Poehlers now, can they?

Back at the house, the phone’s a-ringin’. Rick James picks it up…and it’s Meathead! Calling from the sad little porch of his sad little house, with a couple of big tubs of drywall or something to only accentuate things. Rick is super happy to hear from him, and I stand corrected – apparently, he has been making numerous attempts to get into contact with Meat. He’s glad to hear Meat’s alive. “How come everyone always thinks I’m gonna die?” Meat chortles.

Uh…no reason.

But it soon becomes clear why Meat hasn’t called. He tells Rick that things are a little slow for him back in Chicago, and he sometimes wonders if he made the right decision. See, it’s like breaking up with someone who you know is no good, but you still love them so you can never talk to them. Rick tells him no regrets, and to just go forward. And that they miss him. “It’s not the same without you,” he tells him sweetly. It’s so not.

The next day, there’s big news from Charna! It’s an interview/audition for Entertainment Tonight for Blondie, Goody and Slick. What, no E! Entertainment Television? Seacrest is obviously running scared. They’re all pretty excited, especially Blondie. This is exactly what she always wanted, it’s her niche, she tells us.

Back in Chicago, Meathead is walking the streets in the rain (who knew it rained so much in Chicago? I’m there frequently, and it’s cold and windy, but not usually wet, right?) in his trademark blue soccer jacket. And he’s headed to the Improv Olympics – Chicago. Apparently, it’s a chain. It’s the Applebee’s of improv. He walks through the theater, and into Charna’s office, where he’s greeted with her trademark, “Ahhh! Hahahahahaha!!!” You know, I make fun of her a lot, but Charna’s good stuff. She’s always happy to see everyone, always looking out for them. Even her cute dogs are happy to see Meat.

Meat notes how supportive Charna’s been. She tells him how much they’ve missed him, and then makes sure he’s been staying clean and sober. She invites him to take classes at Improv Olympics – Chicago, which he wants to do. Then, Charna invites him to the roomies’ final show at the Hollywood location, and Meat is surprised and touched. She tells him how much they miss him, and how he’s still part of it and how he’s one of her favorites. Really, she’s a jowly, good egg.

Did I ever tell you about the time I discovered Jerry Lewis in the men’s bathroom of Sardis? It was a real gas, brother!

Meat walks the rainy, rainy streets of Chicago while the song in the background sings about “being on my way”, and calls Hollywood. Rick James answers the phone again, and Meat gives him the great news. “The king of surprises has one more surprise for everybody!” Meat tells him joyously. The king of surprises? Okay, whatever. Rick gives Stripper and Blondie the news, and they’re thrilled. Oh, and Horsey’s there too. She acts all excited too, which is stupid cause she doesn’t even know the guy, but you know, the alternate’s gotta do what the alternate’s gotta do to fit in.

Next day, Horsey and Stripper are headed to LA Models so that she can get signed with them as a “high fashion model”. Some guy in a bulky hoodie makes her walk. And he’s not impressed. Her walk needs work, but her measurements are okay, is his assessment. He leaves her with a little hope though, once her walk improves, he’s sure he’ll get work at the LA shows. Big deal. Listen dolls, I love LA, I love LA fashion but our shows are a joke. The Lauren Conrad collection was the highlight of the season. And I love LC too, but Balenciaga she’s not.

Meanwhile, Blondie, Goody and Slick are at Paramount Studios for their big day at Entertainment Tonight. “What would you do if Lindsay Lohan walked out of a trailer?” Goody asks Blondie. Hit her up for the good drugs, natch. But Blondie says she’d probably die. Yeah, the good stuff can be a little harsh for newbies. But they’re all really excited and starstruck by the big studio.

Blondie reminds us of what a huge opportunity it is, and how blessed she is just to be on the lot. She jokes with Goody that when they ask what her credentials are, all she’s got is dental assistant. “Yeah, I do a killer filling,” cracks Goody. They head on to the stage to meet Kevin Frazier. I’m not sure who he is. What happened to Mary Hart?

Come to think of it, where is Lohan? Anyone?

But Kevin is very nice, tells them he’s heard they all want to do what he does one day. That’s right, Frazier, you’d best be quaking in your boots. Seacrest has already banned them from his set. And then he breaks the really big news…they’re going to be auditioning. They’re there to interview Shanna Moakler. Really, can we get anymore Z-list than that? Even Andy Dick’s a bigger deal.

Oh, I just remembered I have a Shanna Moakler story! I was working at Fred Segal when she was pregnant, and she came in with her husband, the tattooed Blink 182 dude, who I randomly happened to have a mutual acquaintance with, so I chatted with him for a minute or two about the mutual friend, and then I told her how adorable she looked (she didn’t, she’s a little piggy looking, but I was trying to be nice ’cause I worked on commission) and she shot me daggers, grabbed her man by the arm and marched him out of there. Well, excuuuuuse me.

Anyway, naturally, the roomies are hugely impressed. “A real interview with a real celebrity!” Slick tells us excitedly. They will be viewing a ninety second clip of her short-lived reality show about pageants, reading a quick bio and then interviewing her. Goody will go first, cause she has the most experience, Slick is second and Blondie is last. “This would never happen in real life,” Goody informs us, “In real life, I would never be this unprepared.” Sure, entertainment news is always so predictable and scripted. Never off the cuff. Idiot.

So tell me, how much do you hate bras?

But Goody seems to do okay. She does have it right when she says that you always need to act confident and pretend you know what you’re doing even if you don’t, cause that’s how life is. Slick is up next, and he’s a little nervous. He looks fantastic in his pink shirt and striped tie, though. He thinks Shanna’s “dope” and “stunning”, and it made his interview a little hard. His “interview” is a little hard, get it?

And then comes Blondie. And she could really benefit from Goody’s advice about pretending you know what you’re doing even when you don’t, cause she’s nervous as hell and she can not hide it at all. “Hi Shanna, how are yewww?” she asks hesitantly. And then, nothing. Silence. A very, very long silence. Shanna looks at her encouragingly, Blondie looks down at her notes, and…nothing. “I, like, know what I want to ask her in my head, but the questions aren’t coming out,” she tells us plaintively. Now, you know we saw her perform at the Improv Olympics, and I found her kind of cute and engaging, and in moments like this, I see it. Yeah, she bit it in her audition, but who hasn’t had moments like this? I’m telling you, if she hadn’t hooked up with Goody, Blondie would have been a whole different experience. And good Lord, what is going on with those red boots?

She manages to get it together to get two stupid questions in, and then we’re back to dead air. “My mind goes blank. All I can think about is what? Ah…the…what?” Poor Blondie. But I will say she’s cute when she’s fucking up. Then she tells Shanna, “Well, I think that was it,” causing the people in the production booth to completely lose it. “You never leave time on the table!” one of them yells belligerently. Oh no! Leaving time on the table? Summon the entertainment reporting police!

So, how do you feel about dirty whores?

Blondie tells us she thinks she thinks she’s falling flat on her face as far as entertainment reporting goes. And then it’s time for Kevin Frazier’s official report card. He thinks Goody has a real opportunity in life to do well in the television business. She just needs to pay her dues, and she’ll be good. Oh, Kevin Frazier. Do you know who you’re talking to here? This is Goody. She’s not a dues payer. You should be honored just to have her on set.

Next for review is Slick, who Kevin Frazier says learned a valuable lesson today – “The Fine Woman Lesson”. There are a lot of fine women in Hollywood, but you’re here to do a job, and she’s here to do a job. Please, plugging your cable reality show on another cable reality show is a job? Where do I sign up for that? But Slick takes it well, saying, “You’re gonna have your flaws, everyone’s gotta start somewhere and build their way up.” I like Slick. I do.

And then it’s time for Blondie. Here’s the first thing, Kevin Frazier tells her – you never, never, ever, ever, ever (truly, I lost count of how many never evers there were in there) “leave time on the table”. Blondie tells us this is her dream job, but after what just happened, she doesn’t want to do this again. Well, if that’s her attitude about what was obviously a learning experience, then she shouldn’t try again. “I just want to go back to South Carolina, and open a store,” she declares. Open a store? First of all, what kind of store? Bait and tackle? I dunno, that’s just what I picture in South Carolina. But knowing Blondie and her fake Miu Miu purse, I’m guessing it’s clothing. And second of all, what the hell makes her think that she’ll be any good at running a store? Is it the same reason that she thought she’d be a fabulous entertainment reporter? That reason being, she just thought it sounds like a fun thing to do? Blondie’s like a small child. Hey, why not just give it all up to become an astronaut? That’s about as likely.

But, all meanness aside, she is just a girl in her early twenties, finding herself and trying to figure out what she’s good at and what’s going to make her happy. I can’t hate on that. Well, not too much anyway. You know I’m a sucker for the journey. She tells us the experience was “horrible, horrifying and humiliating”. Well, she got catchy with the h’s. That’s something.

Just wait until you watch the season.

Back at the house, Horsey and Stripper are discussing the important details of departure from the Real World house, namely, how many suitcases they have. Horsey says they’re all sad about leaving, but “I’ll smile…cause it’s not over.” Deep thoughts from the alternate. You just know this dummy rehearsed that lame line.

But back to the important stuff, like one of the ORIGINAL roomies – that’s right, dolls, Meathead’s back for the big improv show! He hops in the car with Rick James and Slick. Rick James drives, while he and Meat ruminate on how happy they are to see each other, while Slick pouts in the coveted current-roomie passenger seat. Back at the house, Blondie is putting some makeup on Dolt’s black eye. He says it sucks about his black eye, but this is his chance for everybody out there to maybe give him an opportunity. This is one of those moments where I’m not hating Dolt. Here’s another one:

Goody: I have some blush you can use. Maybe some eyeliner?

Dolt: Do you want a black eye?

Good one, D! And I, for one, would love to see Goody with a black eye. I don’t care who gives it to her.

Once they get to the improv theater, they tell one of the improv lackeys that they want to buy Charna some flowers. They call the boys, and ask them to pick some up along the way. They find some chrysanthemums (nothing says thank you for your love and support like some generic, leftover holiday flowers) and on Slick’s urging, Rick James steals them. Just walks off with them. It takes a real special kind of dickhead arrogance to steal some shit off the street with cameras recording it. This reminds me of a story I read in the US Weekly this week, about Salma Hayak at Fred Segal (I don’t know why that store has made it into this recap twice), who tried to order some pasta at the café when it was closed. When told the restaurant wasn’t even open and cooking, according to the source in US Weekly, Salma snarled, “Are you seriously telling me there is no way you can make me some pasta?” This story annoyed me so damn much. Why would a café open especially to curb your pasta craving? What the fuck makes you so special? And isn’t your Baby Daddy, like, the richest man on earth? LVMH? Hello? Why don’t you just hire a personal pasta chef to follow you everywhere since it’s so fucking important that you get your damn pasta? Sorry, it just really annoyed me, and give me a forum, I’m gonna vent. And I don’t like particularly care for that Salma Hayak anyhow. And now back to the recap.

This chef will never ignore you, Salma.

So anyway, Rick James stealing the flowers (which turn out to be fake, anyway) with the cameras watching really bugged me. But he does bring Meat to the improv theater, and the roomies are genuinely thrilled to see him. “When you see Joey, you can’t help but smile,” Dolt says. Agreed. Stripper tells us how cute he is. And how she loves her Joey. Not enough to stay sober around him for five little minutes though. Talk is cheap.

And then it’s time for the big show! They’re as ready as they’re going to be, says Blondie. But they’re all pretty nervous. Meathead says he sees a whole new kind of confidence in all of them. Their first improv suggestion from the audience is about the meaning of life. Dolt tells us how funny they were. Listen, if you have to remind people that you’re funny, you’re not. Although, Stripper seems pretty funny. Dolt says that she’s nailing every line, and keeping the laughs coming. See, you don’t have to take your clothes off. To have a good time. Oh yeah.

Charna applauds in the audience like the proud mother hen she is. She gives special props to Stripper, and gives the sweetest speech at the end. Dolt tells us they went above and beyond, and he’s ecstatic. When they get backstage, Horsey jumps around, a little too excited. Get a grip, alternate. Charna consoles Blondie that it’s finally all over. Blondie tells us that she’s learned that she’s better at things than she thinks she is, she just has to commit to it. Well, perhaps Seacrest shouldn’t come out of the bunker just yet, no?

Charna wipes the tears from her eyes and clings to her chrysanthemums. Fake, crappy, leftover flowers, and Charna’s acting like it’s a bouquet of rare, imported orchids. She’s such a good Mommy. She tells them all how wonderful they are. Rick James tells us that they learned about life at the improv, he’s grateful for it, and then he says, “Thank you, Charna.” Well, it’s about time!

Tina Fey just gave me a corkscrew and a bottle cap. You guys are the best!

Back at the house, Meathead notices that the punching bag is broken again. He also notices all the garbage lying around, and that nothing’s changed in the house, but he’s changed in the way that he doesn’t take it too seriously. Well, yeah, cause you’re not living amongst the trash piled up to the ceiling. Blondie asks him if he’s sleeping there, cause it’s his house too! “Thank you,” Meat replies, “That makes me feel good.” Oh, Meat. If I start crying at this, I’m gonna stab myself with my shoe.

The next morn, Meat is out early. He kisses everyone goodbye in their beds. And it’s time for one final soliloquy. “You never know what life’s going to throw at you. But I hope that we’re going to stay in touch. Even though I say I and think that maybe I shouldn’t have went home, I’m not going to regret on anything. This was absolutely an experience that I’ll never forget. Even though I went through a lot of hard times, and some bumps in the roads, I couldn’t ask for anything different.” Okay, that pretty much lacked in comparison to his past monologues, but oh well, I already typed it, so there it is. And “bumps in the roads”, that was pretty good. Fare the well, Meat. Again.

And then it’s time for everyone else to go home. Lots of suitcases. Boxes being taped. Goody tells us that it’s such a unique experience, that whether they stay in touch or never speak again, they’ll always share that. They all head outside with their luggage, and then the first taxi cab shows up to shuttle the first roomie off. It’s for Horsey Brittini, and it’s a pretty anti-climatic goodbye. I never felt like this alternate really fit in or contributed much. They show her doing headshots, and yup, still horsey. Profile, girl, how are you going to be a high fashion model if you don’t even know your good angles?

The next cab shows up, and of course it’s for alternate #2, Slick Nick. The other two amigos, Rick James and Dolt cling to him. It’s kind of cute. Slick tells us that it’s a great feeling to know that he’s leaving here with two brothers. Notice, not a word about the ladies. The three boys give a big group hug, and Rick tells us that he can call Slick a good friend. Slick’s headshot looks fabulous. This guy might very possibly be going somewhere.

And then we’re left with the original five. The next ride is for Dave Dolt who tells us he’ll miss hanging out with everyone more than anything. But he’ll also miss the basketball court. And the hot tub. And the sauna. Well, thanks for reminding us, Dolt. I had almost cleansed the memory of all the skanky shit that went down in there. He gives his hugs goodbye, and there’s a moment where he’s hugging Blondie, and it’s heartfelt, but there’s Goody, smirking in the background. His last words to us are, “My only regret…is hooking up with Kim.” So my last words to him will be goodbye, asshole. I mean, really. How unnecessary. He looks smug as hell in his headshot. I know he’s got little man’s disease, but perhaps he needs another beat down at Area to show him how it is in Hollywood. Oh wait, he’s already hightailed back east to Philadelphia (where I was this morning, and oh my, I have never seen so many fat asses in cheap clothes in my…well, this week. I saw peach, printed overalls. Enough said) so maybe he already knows.

This should be the headshot that goes on the wall at Improv Olympic.

The next cab is for Goody Sarah, and man oh man, am I happy to see this holier than thou ho go. She hugs Blondie and tells her she never could have survived it without her. See, bitchy and condescending to everyone else right up until the very end. Well, at least she’s consistent. But then she gives some line of crap about how they’re all going to grow together after this. “I love you Sarah!” Stripper yells through her tears. Really? And the most brilliant of all…in Goody’s headshot, she is actually making one of her patented Goody faces. Like, ugh, can you believe I’m actually having to take a headshot?

Then it’s time for Blondie Kimberly to go. She gives a sweet, emotional farewell to Stripper, tells her how proud of her she is, and how great her music is. She tells Stripper that she’s beautiful inside and out, and she tells us that Stripper’s taught her to be more open minded and less judgmental, and to see the good in people and you know what? Those are great and important lessons. And finally, one of these Real Worlders is copping to actually having learned something from another roommate. Groundbreaking concept. Of course, she has to ruin it by throwing in, “To learn that from someone so young, it’s actually humbling.” How much younger is Stripper than Blondie? What, two years? Please.

But she ends on a good note, saying she’s leaving the experience a better person than when she came in, and she has all her roommates to thank for that. Not Goody, doll. She actually brought out the worst in you. Cause I like Blondie. I think she’s a cute girl, she’s finding her way, and I honestly feel it was a lot of Goody’s influence that made her act like a jerk when she did. And yeah, I know she’s kind of small minded and racist, but she’s from South Carolina, what do you want? Besides, as anonymous as we keep this recapping thing, I will divulge that Kimberly has my name. What can I say? Us K-Slices gotta stick together. And in that spirit, I will say that she needs a new headshot. Hers sucked.

See? Sometimes two wrongs do make a right!

Which leaves Stripper and Rick James. “Oh we forgot to touch everything before we leave,” Stripper says. “So what? Why would we do that?” he replies. For luck, she tells him. Well, he doesn’t really seem to get it, but these two are so cute together that he indulges her. They run through the house like little kids, touching everything. Rick tells us that he’s proud of Stripper, and that she’s definitely going to go places.

And then a late 80′s model Mercedes pulls up…and it’s Janelle. Coming to take Rick James Will home (translated: scrape out an extra millisecond of camera time). Rick and Stripper share a very heartfelt goodbye – if there was one true friendship in this house, it was these two. Stripper tells us he taught her a lot about herself, and she thanks him for it. He doesn’t want to leave Hollywood, he’s ready to start his life. Adorable headshot, fabulous smile…but WHEN ARE YOU CUTTING THAT DAMN HAIR?!?!

You know they always save the best journeys for last, and that’s Brianna. Yeah, I’m lopping off the stripper part for the last paragraph. She tells us in tears, “I’m so glad to be here…I’m so glad that everyone sees the potential that I have, and the kind of person who I am. And I guess all I really have to say is…thank you – for everything.” I am so down with this girl. She’s colorful and sweet, she has a great voice and she can kick any boy’s ass. And you see all of that in her headshot and her amazing smile.

So that’s it! We leave with a view of the Hollywood sign, and of course I’m sobbing. Why am I such a crybaby? And where’s my damn shoe? See ya for the reunion special, when I’ll have shoe-beaten my emotions away and can get back to ripping on these lame asses. Kisses til then…

So, Will, this was fun, but I think it might be time for us to go our separate ways…