Oh, Gasmii, we have much to discuss. I am going to write up a quick recap of last week’s episode that, due to unforseen circumstances, is much later than it should be. (Unforseen circumstances = me getting in a car accident and being okay physically, thankfully, but if any of you have dealt with this in the past you know what a headache it is.) Please accept my apologies and let’s move on to the recap.
“I know I’ve traumatized you, little sis, but I hope this hug makes up for it.”
So, I actually enjoyed Mike’s storyline in last week’s episode. It was cheesy and all, but some of it was kind of nice. No worries, though, the rockers were their usual annoying selves, and this week’s episode featured plenty of ridiculousness.Previously on the Real World: upon meeting Douche, Cliche decides they will get along. Cliche is wrong. Mike is sort of gay and sort of in a relationship with a guy named Tanner, but decides that while he’s in DC he’s also sort of bi and sort of single. He also meets a seriously hot gay guy but still can’t commit to either his sexuality or another person.
Mike’s newly found political aspirations lead him to meet with his Congressman. I am shocked to learn that Mike actually owns a suit. Conveniently, he is the first openly gay Congressman elected as a freshman. Mike wants to be him in 10 years. They discuss how even those right-wing Jesus lovers treat him with dignity and respect despite his tendency to have sex with dudes. That’s nice of them.
Apparently Mike’s mom has encouraged him to suppress his homosexuality in order to prevent being treated differently, but Mike’s brief time in a big city is quickly giving him some perspective. He’s happy to have an openly gay politician who can be taken seriously as an idol. Apparently the days of Real Worlders running for office are not as far gone as I thought they were.
Mike relays his inspiring experience to Callie and Pandrew. Pandrew, who is of course fully decked in his favorite panda hat, makes sure to point out that the congressman ran as a gay man and not a bisexual man. Truthfully, I don’t see how any small town conservatives think being bisexual is better in some way than being gay. Admittedly I’m not sure, but I’d have to guess that’s it’s all the same blasphemy to them.
Apparently Douche feels as strongly as Cliche about starting a band, and he has met some dudes with which to do that. Apparently Douche considers himself a “frontman” which I’m guessing means his instrument skills stop at Rock Band.
Out in the park, Callie can’t find any ducks so she follows her roommates around. She’s fascinated when they find people playing music in the park, because where she comes from the ducks aren’t very good street performers. These guys are though, and Cliche decides she wants to play with them. Such high aspirations she has. Conveniently, they’re looking for a singer, and Cliche is looking for a band to play her songs. You know, back in the day I could watch this show without thinking everything was a setup, but Laguna Beach and especially The Hills have ruined that for me forever.
Mike and even-hotter-than-I-remember Eric head to the gym to fulfill one of the more positive gay stereotypes. Apparently the gym is known for being “really gay” and Mike has “never seen that many in one place before.” I guess he’s never been in a Hall of Mirrors?
Mike likes how casual things are between them. Apparently even though Eric is fond of him, Mike’s got Tanner on the brain. This Tanner character had better be awesome because right now I think Mike’s an idiot for not jumping Eric’s bones.
Apparently Cliche has become Mike’s personal therapist because now they’re sitting in the (surprisingly elusive this season) hot tub to discuss his relationship. It seems he’s liked Tanner for a long time and greatly enjoys his company. Hanging out with a guy as great as Eric made him realize how much he cares about the guy he can’t commit to. He’s decided to “let his guard down and give up the uber-masculine persona” which just sounds funny because while Mike clearly isn’t flamboyant, he’s still no Chuck Norris or anything. Also, he’s allowed to be gay and masculine. They aren’t mutually exclusive.
This clip is listed on mtv.com as “Taking it Hard.” I could not make this up if I tried.
After this epiphany, Mike calls up Tanner but is disappointed when his friend Meghan answers and does all of the talking in place of the heartbroken Tanner. She tells Mike that Tanner is head over heels for him and wants to spend the rest of their lives together. Seriously, Tanner? Have your own conversation, even if you are hurt. Don’t have your fag hag do your talking for you. At Mike’s request, she puts him on speakerphone so Tanner can hear him say that he does care about him and he thinks about him all the time. Tanner still won’t talk to him though, and Mike’s not used to being rejected. He’s sad because he doesn’t know if Tanner still wants to see him.
Since Tanner hid from him via telephone, Mike’s moving on to his next communication attempt: email. He says he hopes Tanner will still want to come visit, but if he doesn’t Mike will have to accept that because it’s a consequence of him not wanting to commit. AHHHHHH SELF-AWARENESS OVERLOAD! My brain isn’t ready for these things when I watch The Real World.
Seriously, whoever cast you has probably already been fired.
Cliche is waiting for the guys she met on the street to email her so her fast track to success can begin. She gets mad that they made her set her alarm for 8:45 (BLASPHEMY!) and then emailed to say they couldn’t come. She calls her boyfriend and says they told her someone was sick or someone’s car broke down. Apparently she is under the impressing that cars do not break down at times when it will interfere with her schedule. She decides that they have missed out on the magical opportunity of working with her and she is done with them.
Douche’s band, however, actually does show up, probably for the free practice space provided by MTV. Apparently he has music written/recorded, but doesn’t bring it because itiniative is just silly. Apparently his looks have gotten him into all of his previous bands, and I’m guessing once they heard him “sing” and “rap” they decided to become his former bands. They start practicing and he’s just as terrible as you expected, if not worse. Oh good lord, he is so cocky it’s even more painful.
They decide to name the band “Wicked Liquid” which takes about 29 attempts for them to say/understand.
If by “Wicked Liquid” you mean the blood spouting from my ears, you’re right on.
Tanner is moved enough my Mike’s email declaration of love to call him and say “It was good.” Mike tell him he just doesn’t know how to quit him. Tanner’s still coming to visit because he never even tried to cancel his ticket in the first place. Awwww, Mikey’s touched. He’s accepted the fact that he’s in love with a man and is even wearing a shirt with a giant heart on it as proof. The girls are googly for him.
Conveniently enough, this epiphany for Mike coincides with his family’s visit. He’s going to talk about his newly accepted gayness with his mom. He’s very nervous anticipating the arrival of his mother, brother, sister, and sister’s friend. They arrive and he gives them the tour, complaining about his messy girl roommates.
MTV should just hit Mike’s family over the head with a rainbow-colored hammer.
Cliche calls her boyfriend and picks a fight because there are girls in the same room as him. That part is stupid, but then she says Mike’s gay in front of his brother, who corrects there that Mike is “bisexual.” Aaawkward! Odrama and Cliche get all stuttery about it.
Mike takes his brother out for a night on the town with the roomies. The usual merriment is in full swing when suddenly Mike kisses Callie, much to the shock of his roommates to whom he just professed his love for a man. Way to embrace your sexuality in front of your family, dude.
I notice Eric is nowhere to be found tonight.
The next morning, Callie and Cliche discuss the fact that the previous night’s antics were for his brother’s benefit. Mike should have just gotten his brother a hookup. We all know Odrama would be game.
Mike’s sister, who looks much younger than him, is scandalized that he made out with Callie “just for fun.” His mom wants to know if Tanner would be mad, but Mike shrugs it off. This should go over well when Tanner sees it. Right now though, Mike’s just worried about how his family will take the whole thing. Misleading them probably isn’t helping much.
Douche is practicing with his band and still sounds as terrible as ever. The poor other roomies are reacting with pained facial expressions, dancing around, and of course jealousy from bandless Cliche.
You’d better hope no one is looking to sacrifice a virgin. Or an animal. You’re the only one of both.
Cliche starts in with a full on pity party. Well, maybe you shouldn’t have given up on those park people so quickly. Douche probably wouldn’t have even noticed if they didn’t show up, cause he’s a rock star like that. Cliche correctly predicts that he would go on American Idol and be laughed out of the room, all the while thinking he’s the greatest singer on the planet.
I hope selling your soul to the devil via MTV was worth it.
Emily tries to confessional that teaching the singer of a band to sing is sort of a problem, but is having trouble focusing due to the cat murder going on around her. Oh wait, that was Douche hitting a high note. She is all too happy to interrupt when his girlfriend calls. Cliche pounces on this opportunity and runs down to see if she can convince the band to drop Douche in favor of her. Her voice is nothing special, but after the assault Douche laid on my ears she’s at least unoffensive.
“Is it too late to use her for our MTV deal instead?”
Her plan doesn’t really work though, because Douche comes back and they start practicing again. Apparently they have an unspoken competition going on and he has decided she is jealous. Of his singing talent? Whatever, dude.
Cliche starts whining that girls never get to be in bands even when they’re better singers than the guys. The “band” gives a douchy confessional about how awesome they are and how they’re going to take over the world or some shit. I just don’t know how they can keep straight faces. Mike coddles Cliche by telling her that when she does find a band it will be unique compared to all of the guy bands. She whines about looking for a band for five years, at the same time refusing to reconnect with the street performers because they cancelled on her once. Well with all that effort, it’s amazing she’s still bandless and alone. Emily is about to tear her hair out listening to this shit, and I agree.
On to less annoying things. Mike is taking his mom to have lunch with the people he works for at HRC. He’s nervous and hopes his mom can accept the changes he’s made to his attitude and lifestyle. He tells his mom about his work with the veterans, and how lawmakers have specifically created laws that prevent the LGBT community from exercising certain rights. She doesn’t know what LGBT stands for, but unlike Callie she’s not interviewing for a position at an LGBT publication so it’s less sad. Apparently in 28 states a person can be fired simply for being gay, which I didn’t know but I suppose isn’t all that surprising.
Mike’s poor mom feels ignorant and is saddened and shocked to learn that kids can be taken away from gay parents who have been raising them. She tells them about when she and Mike’s dad went to get married. Mike was already 16 months old at the time, and the priest told her she was making a mockery of the church. Mike is happy that he can share this with his mother and is listing all of the rights that he will give up by being in a relationship with a man. She apologizes for asking him to suppress his sexuality and is overwhelmed with pride seeing how much he’s grown during his time in DC. I can’t even make fun of this because the whole thing seems more geniune than anything I’ve seen on the Real World in over a decade. They’re both holding back tears in this touching mother-son moment.
Stop making me feel these things. It’s uncomfortable.
Also, the people Mike works for are still at the table grinning like buffoons, which also makes me uncomfortable. This feels way too private, despite being on national television. Mike’s mom tells him she still wants grandchildren so they’d best get to changing those laws.
After all of that adorableness, I’m almost relieved to get back to the comfort of Cliche being annoying. She’s practicing and being insecure as per usual. Then she starts calling her boyfriend so many times in a row I’m convinced it has to be creative editing by MTV because no one is that ridiculous. She cries to Odrama and Emily when he calls back asking if she really called him 14 times. Talk about your Stage 5 Clinger.
Mike brings his family to the HRC. His mom continues to be adorable while his siblings just look bored/uncomforable. She says she’s known for years that her son was gay, which prompts a shocked reaction from his poor little sister. The girl is just baffled, which amuses the hell out of me.
I wonder if MTV or HRC can help pay for her decades of therapy.
Now that they’re sufficiently traumatized, Mike bids his family a tearful farewell. Once they’re gone, he’s so happy that he proceeds to dance around the house with an umbrella, much to the amusement and delight of the girls. So much for maintaining his masculinity. Seriously, Mike, take it easy. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Whew! That was like a whole season’s worth of personal growth in one episode. No worries though, there’s none of that in this week’s episode, which I’ll be recapping for you guys ASAP (before the next episode this time).