It took about seven months, but The Real World San Diego finally ran its course, coming to an uneventful conclusion tonight. With a lump in our throats and a tear in the eye, we bid adieu to Brad, Randy, Cameran, Robin, Jamie, Jacquese, and Charlie. Okay, so maybe we weren’t crying, but at least we were yawning, and some display of emotional affectation is better than none. Truth is that the final episode is always exciting in theory, but incredibly lame in execution. How many times do we have to see cast members hug and bawl before being whisked away on some exotic form of transportation? In this case, Randy won the award for Least Efficient Way Back to Boston when he zipped off in a water taxi. But before the big au revoir, there were a few matters to deal with like, you know, the legal system.That’s right. Amidst the sentimental goo, there was a mild legal battle being waged in the courts of San Diego that threatened to shake the very foundation of the United States Judicial System. In the People Vs. Robin, our breasty hero had to face down her wild past as a flagrant fist bumper who tragically connected with a shoulder instead of another set of knuckles. Yes, even the sturdiest of Marines cannot withstand Robin’s forceful pugilism: her fist strikes so intensely that it causes scratch marks to unbelievably appear on one’s nape.
For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, about forty gazillion episodes ago, Robin punched a guy’s shoulder jokingly, but apparently Basic Training did not prepare this young soldier for such hardship, so he called the police and had our Coyote Ugly hero arrested on counts of assault and battery. The Marine also contended that Robin scratched his neck, which leads me to believe this guy has to be the biggest pussy ever to grace reality television, especially when clear, unmistakable video footage shows nothing even close to claws coming out.
Nevertheless, while this case may be easily dismissed by sofa jurors like me, the United States legal system requires more formalities. So poor Robin did what any disenfranchised woman would do: she wrangled her sprawling bosom into a shiny blue shirt and hit the streets. Granted, Robin looked like she’d been wrapped up in a big roll of mylar, but that’s neither here nor there.
The first stop on this Real World odyssey was a strip mall where Robin sought the legal aid of a Lionel Hutz-esque lawyer. I forgot his name, which is really hard since his office was brashly adorned with flashing pink neon lights. If you listened really carefully, you could hear his police scanner honing in on speeding ambulances.
The council may not have been Perry Mason, or even Star Jones (who is a lawyah), but he was functional enough to reduce Robin’s transgression to a minor crime. How he didn’t manage to get it thrown out completely is beyond me. Meanwhile, the roomies almost faced a whole new set of legal problems when Brad, in line at a club, tried to save Cameran from getting her underage ass thrown in the slammer. The bouncers wrestled our simian friend to the ground while Robin quickly yanked Cameran out of the fray.
Not knowing what was happening to Brad, the roomies gabbed about the incident back at the house. Cameran, desperate for a bit more drama and attention, yelled over and over again about how she just could not understand why Brad would do such a thing. Charlie – in one of his first and last scenes this season – explained that Brad was trying to protect Cameran, but what everyone was too polite to say was “Shut the fuck up, bitch. Be happy it’s him not you heading off to the Big House.”
Actually, Big House is a bit of an overstatement. You see, before the commercial break, Bunim/Murray tried to have us believe that the apprehension of Brad was a San Diego version of The Midnight Express. One more shot of him doubled over with his hands behind his back and I would have thought for sure this episode would end with a Bono song about civil rights. But even the most urgent of morose beats couldn’t disguise the fact that Brad was only given a little slap on the wrist and sent on his way. Oh the Bunim/Murray fakeout. Will we ever learn?
With any traces of conflict quietly vanquished, the roomies settled down and packed up. Former roommate Frankie called up to say what’s up in a surprisingly nice, friendly phone conversation with Jacquese. Amazingly, the Frankie cameo lasted for only twenty seconds at most. Sorry Frankie, but not even you can stop the Bunim/Murray machine once they activate the packing up/goodbye sequence.
The final ten minutes consisted of hugs and quivering lips as each cast member gradually went their own way. We learned interesting things about our buddies after the show: Randy went on a five month tour of Europe; Charlie broke up with his girlfriend and reunited with his band (he had a band?); and Cameran doesn’t know what she wants to do next in life. Um, how about getting that edumacation that you so sorely lack? Eh, she’ll probably just take her act to the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
Next week we have what promises to be another heavily edited reunion special hosted by Lala, or maybe what’s-her-face Pak, or that Gideon jerk. Until then, we’ll just quietly chuckle to ourselves as we remember Cameran’s thoughtful insights about African Americans: “I’ve lived with a black person, and they’re as cool as hell.” Like OMG! Every group should have one!
It’s great to see The Real World still lives up to its name.