Real World: Spooning and Yelling and Crying, Oh My!

This week, we spend most of the first half of the episode watching the girls (and guys) in the house try to help Andrew in his quest to get laid. This is very nice of them, but I suspect it is in no small part motivated by their desire for him to stop trying to have sex with them. However, this is preferably to watching 17 more conversations between Emily and Ty about the status of their non-relationship. Then we get to watch Odrama pick several fights with Mike, who up until this point has come across as very laid-back and nonconfrontational. At least we get to see Odrama cry? While claiming she’s “tough” and never cries? Bullshit, I say.

Previously on the Real World: PandaBoy can’t get no satisfaction. Specifically from Callie, but really not from anyone else either. Gayish Guy makes out with Odrama to prolong his time in the closet. Odrama prepares to milk that makeout for every last drop of drama she can get.

*Sidenote: Remember the first decade or so, when they tried to come up with a different word to desribe the roommates’ place of residence every season? “This is the true story of seven strangers picked to live in a loft… on a pier… in a house… etc.” I forget the others, but I found it amusing that they were so intent on using different words each season. I suppose they ran out of words and/or different places. Imagine a season of seven strangers picked to live in a treehouse? Or a greenhouse? Or a zoo? They’d fit right in. It might be harder to bring girls back there though.

Where were we? Oh, right. The roomies are partying it up at the Capitol Skyline Hotel pool party. Hey, if they’re going to pay to get their Real World product placement, they might as well get it in the recaps too. Oh wait, I’m not getting any of the money. Oh well, I’ll let it slide this time.

Much merriment is occuring. Ty loves the bikinis (or, more accurately, the girls in them), Odrama throws out the obligatory name drop, Andrew’s temporarily ditched the panda hat for some silly glasses (he’s so silly!), Rocker Guy is displaying patriotism with a flag on his flagpole.

The Nerdster has found himself a young woman named Erika (not his roommate, another one) who loves nerds, which immediately excites him. He introduces her to Emily, who reveals via confessional that she suspects Andrew is a virgin. Join the club, hun. Andrew kisses Erika, who then apparently vanishes (or appears to via magical MTV editing), so he begins to hit on her friend, Paige. And then, just as quickly as it began, Andrew is promptly rejected by both girls. Apparently, he can’t get any lovin’ in DC. I find it hard to believe he’s gotten much lovin’ elsewhere, but that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

Back at the house, our horny little panda discusses his sexual history with the girls. Apparently he was with a girl who liked to discuss current events in bed? And apparently he doesn’t make noise during sex, especially since it’s over so quickly. I can’t tell if he’s even pretending that’s a joke, but he’s got to be a minute man, if that. The girls ask how many women he’s had sex with, apparently expecting the truth. His “teens” has now been reduced slightly to “twelve.” I wonder how few it will be by the end of the season. He allows that it was only once with each girl, which is slightly more believable.

They bring up his girlfriend and he says that she had sex many times during their relationship, but only once with him. Awww, Betrayed Panda. As a group, they deduce that Andrew has never had great, life changing sex. In his words, “I don’t think any girl has come away being like ‘oh, man, I wanna have sex with him again.’” Awww, Sad Panda.

Emily thinks that Andrew needs to go to sex school, but doesn’t know if it exists. Apparently in addition to wearing animal hats, he is incapable of foreplay but can get it up quick. Seriously, how old is this kid? It seems like he just hasn’t grown into an adult yet.

Odrama and Mike put on their Sunday best and head off to church to bond with God and each other. Odrama feels closer to Mike because of their shared churchgoing ways, but also because she wants to bang him, which may be a conflict of interest.

Odrama left everyone she knew and moved to Houston, where she didn’t have a lot of friends because she has trouble getting along with people. Huh. Imagine that. Apparently she is cold to people as a coping mechanism. She’s the one with the abusive stepfather and mother who wouldn’t leave him, right? Sometimes it’s hard to keep all of the Painful Backstories straight.

She doesn’t like to let people in (to her life, not her orifices) because anyone she trusts lets her down. Well, maybe your expectations are just too high, ever think of that? Maybe you convince yourself everyone has disappointed you so you have a reason to be angry with the world and therefore cause drama? Lol, jk. That would involve self-awareness.

Her conclusion that no one can love her is based on the fact that her own mother couldn’t stick around and love her. Oooh, the much less common Mommy Issues. Apparently she hasn’t heard a word from her mother in a year and a half, since her mother told her she never wants to see her ugly face again. Her words, not mine. That’s pretty harsh, I must say. I mean, I’m mocking her, but she doesn’t know me so how could I disappoint her?

The roomies go out to dinner and are being heckled by some drunkards. Because the only thing cooler than actually being on the Real World is caring enough to mock the people who are on the Real World.

Odrama is pissed and trying to get rid of the drunken assholes, while Mike decides they’re nice and wants to chat with them. Callie is annoyed by both of them. Agreed, Callie. My favorite quote from this exchange would have to be Odrama, “I don’t… think anything.” Well, that explains a little. She doesn’t need to know strangers or the entire city. I can’t imagine how she has trouble making friends. The roomies finish dinner and leave.

Odrama uses many, many words to tell Mike that she feels he took the side of strangers instead of her, his roommate/one-time makeout/churchgoing buddy. She feels a deep connection with him and is upset that she feels betrayed. If Mike were ever uncomfortable with someone, she would tell that person to go. He says he’s just trying to make friends with the locals and learn the area. She is having none of this and puts up her brick wall, shutting out her BFF Mike. Ironically, she is wearing her peace sign hat during this endless barrage of words coming from her mouth.

She accuses Mike of not being comfortable with his own sexuality, and he turns on the sass, saying she seems to just know everything about him. He’s “so glad I’m living with someone who knows me better than me.” Haven’t you heard, Mike? She knows everything about everyone and everything, before they even know it themselves. She’s got him all figured out now. Mike puts it better than I could: “I feel like I’m having a fight with a kindergartner, and she’s gonna stick gum in my hair, and I have no idea how to even react to it.” They get all sarcastic and say it’s over and it’s time to go home.

Odrama confessionals that she’s pissed at Mike. Thanks for clearing that up. My BFF (the music supervisor) chimes in via song lyrics: “You can’t leave well enough alone…” Odrama explains to Erika, who then explains to us via confessional, that she feels when she’s in a situation where things get heated (which must happen a minimum of 38 times per day), Mike doesn’t take her side.

More O’drama, as she explains to Rocker Guy/tells us via confessional that she doesn’t have a permanent home or family. She spends holidays with friends, and is looking at her roommates as potential people whose holidays she might crash in the future.

On to more exciting things. Andrew’s panda hat is not alone on the furry animal hat shelf:

He has received a coupon in the mail for Nellie’s Sports Bar. He gathers up Ty and Rocker guy and they head over for happy hour. They arrive, only to find out that they have been lured to a gay bar. Ironically, Mike is not there.

The boys hightail it the fuck out of there. Apparently, being caressed, kissed, relentlessly hit on, and followed out of the bar makes them uncomfortable. Huh, I can’t possibly imagine what that could be like. When the other guys tell Andrew that’s how is is with girls, a wave a realization sets in. Maybe. We’ll see what happens next time he’s with girls. They vow to take this secret that has been documented for national television to the grave. That should be part of the Real World drinking game. Take a drink every time someone says something that happens on the show must remain a secret. It happens several times per season, if not per episode.

The girls decide it is time to school Clueless Panda in the fine art of seducing a woman.

Emily asks him if he says “I love you” after a few days, even if he doesn’t mean it, to get a girl to have sex with him. A lightbulb goes on as he asks if that works. Emily realizes she’s giving him ideas and that she probably shouldn’t have mentioned that.

Now Odrama is yelling instructions to him as he showers. Damn, no wonder the poor kid looks exhausted during this whole thing. Each girl is cornering him in a different part of the house to bombard him with advice.

Mike teaches him how to unhook a bra with one hand. He seems to grasp the concept, but is unable to comprehend which way the bra is supposed to face.

He decides he’s ready to head out into the field. He does so unsupervised and wearing his giant blue glasses. Was that not mentioned in any of the four classes he just took? Well, maybe they did make progress because he brings home a girl. He introduces her to Callie, brings her to his bed, compliments her body, and…

I feel like Andrew should come with a “Wah, wah, wahhhhh” button to press when things like this happen. He’s like Charlie Brown, and every girl he meets is Lucy, giving him hope of sex and then yanking it away like it’s that football. I mean, we don’t know what she said before she came home with him, but if this is the first time she’s telling him he’s not getting laid, that’s pretty cold. She’s a “good girl” who doesn’t “do that.” Yes, all of the people who are watching you go home with this boy and sleep in his bed are no longer judging you.

Frustrated Panda: “What’s with the spooning? All you’re doing is sleeping. I’ve got your hair in my face. I’ve got this hand over you like this and where do I touch? Can I touch your boob? Nothing about spooning is comfortable for me.” Awww, poor little thing.

The next morning, she kisses him goodbye and tells him to email her… or call her. Well, that was nice of her to throw that in there. She leaves, Panda is still sexually frustrated.

Now it’s time for Never Have I Ever… which leads to another fight between Odrama and Mike. He tells her she’s “bleeding in my ears” which I take to mean as she’s making his ears bleed, in which case I concur. Apparently she’s been giving him death glares to remind him that despite everyone having fun, she’s still deeply offended by him. Allegedly for not having her back, but really for not wanting to raise church going babies with her.

We come back from commercial to find Odrama telling Emily how offended she is by Mike making jokes about her, since he doesn’t make them about anyone else. Well, that makes you special, hun, isn’t that what you wanted?

Emily heads over to Mike to see what he has to say. He says he finds her entire personality annoying and thinks she has a lot of growing up to do. LOL. Join the club, hun. We meet on Wednesday nights at 10. Several roomies are discussing the situation when Odrama walks in. A moment of awkwardness is all we get before we move on to the next day, thankfully.

Callie is helping the Panda Bear compose an email in an attempt to score a lunch date with his newest lady love. He is successful. They arrive, and she helpfully offers to help him with the difficult task of ordering his lunch. He is taken with her high-pitched voice and the ditzy things that she says. These are the qualities he looks for in a girl. His words, not mine. My BFF the music supervisor helpfully chimes in with “You’re not that funny but I laugh anyway.”

They bring their lunch to a park for a picnic. Now I’m jealous because it is winter and I miss going outside for lunch. We don’t have a park but a few of my coworkers and I sit in lawn chairs in the grass on the side of the parking lot. It beats the dark lunch room. Panda Bear is fixated on the food collecting in his teeth while eating his salad. Poor Thirsty Panda has nothing to drink. He brings up the girls at the house and their curiousity over what happened the night before. This leads to him making a joke about saying he was in love with her. Awww, Awkward Panda. The lunch date comes to an end and he invites her to come over that night.

Later, after confirming that Alli is coming over, Determined Panda is going to take this opportunity to master the art of bra removal. But alas, she has arrived with her own personal cock block in the form of her cousin. He’s not giving up, and gives them a spirited tour of the house.

Apparently he uses his art to trick women into being attracted to him? This is revealed to us via confessional from Rocker Guy, who is also an artist so he totally get it. Do they have a job this season? I know Mike went on some sort of “job interview” but no formal job? When did that stop happening? I have been a bit out of the loop for the past several seasons. If this is like Brooklyn and they’re all supposed to be doing some sort of “finding yourself” project, they are all failing except for maybe Mike. Or their quests for self discovery are so boring they don’t warrant mention. Where were we?

Emily stays out of the room in an attempt to help Andrew get laid, abiding by proper Roomie Code. However, she sleeps on the beanbag pile (which I totally want, by the way), so I guess her “cuddle buddy” status with Ty is on either temporary or permanent hiatus. I’m sure we’ll get a full report soon enough.

Poor Panda is in bed, trying everything he can think of to get Prudence to give it up, but to no avail. He’s baffled by the fact that she will come over and sleep in his bed and won’t do more than kiss him. Via confessional, he wonders: “As a country, why can’t we come up with something better than SPOONING?!” Awww, poor Panda just wants someone to fork.

The next morning, Sleepy Panda bids Prudence and her cousin adieu and tells Emily that he’s still a virgin (at least in DC). He confessionals that he is tired. Apparently, he couldn’t sleep all night out of pure sexual frustration. He laid there all night thinking about his boner. Haha. He tells Emily this, and she asks if he hid it. He reveals that he just kept poking her with it. LOL. That amuses me, for some reason.

Determined Panda is not going to let this get him down. He’s going out on the town to be a man, or something.

True to his word, he is soon very Drunk Panda. But enough about him, it’s been minutes and Odrama needs some attention, damn it! She gets into a fight with some girl who was taking a picture. We see none of this fight, and just hear her tell us about how the girl started cursing at her and I don’t know, she’s pissed. I’m sure it’s Mike’s fault, somehow. And sure enough, here we go with that fight again. She says he’s being an asshole to her, he says she’s a negative, immature little girl. Ooh, and self-centered too. Go Mikey! The problem is that even though he’s right, all it’s going to do is make her yell more. They decide they’re not going to talk anymore, just like she did with Ty a couple of episodes ago. Oh well, I applaud Mike’s effort, at least.

Speaking of Odrama and Ty not speaking, let’s watch them… well… speak. Ty somehow shuts her up long enough to explain to her that small-town Mike from the midwest was brought up to be friendly and nice to people, while big-city people like them know enough to be cynical and suspicious of strangers.

Panda Bear calls up Prudence, who tells him that she can’t talk to him because she’s writing him an email. O…kay? Apparently she would only like to convey this message via email, not via actual conversation. Turns out it’s a breakup email. Awww, poor Rejected Panda is baffled. What a chicken shit move that was on her part. He leaves to go mope in his bed and the girls minus AC Chick read the email. You know who’s always missing? The Rocker duo. Just sayin’.

Odrama cryfessionals that she wants to be friends with Mike and to stop living in such a “hostile, mean environment.” She brings it up and he tries to respond while she yells her same argument for the 2439th time over what he’s saying. OH MY GOD SO MANY WORDS IN SO LITTLE TIME. How does she talk so fast without EVER TAKING A BREATH? And she’s crying again as we go to commercials.

Apparently her crying has turned Mike into a softy since this cold hard bitch is apparently letting her guard down. She’s frustrated because she wants them to be close and bringing him to church made her vulnerable to him or something.

Mikey crawls up to Odrama with his tail between his legs and tries to get her to move on, but apparently she’s not satisfied with the amount of drama this has caused thus far, and therefore must drag this out just a little bit longer. Apparently she’s a hardass who doesn’t cry. Except for no less than 17 times this episode. He says they should go to a “confession” together, and I honestly thought he mean at church, but it turns out he just meant a good old fashioned Real World confessional. Mike says they’re friends again and they buried the hatchet.

Mike says they’re going to go shower. Odrama: “Not together.” Mike: “Together.” Way to give her false hope, Mikey. Can’t wait till that one blows up in your face.

Next week: AC Chick’s dreams come true! Rocker Guy cheats on his girlfriend, but in a surprising twist, it is NOT with AC Chick!