Substitute Recap: Real World: The Plight of the Kinda-Star

HereKittyKitty didn’t show up to work this week because she needed to get her drink on, so I stepped in. I have been throwing Twinkies at my TV all season, and thanks to Kitty’s alcoholism, I finally have an outlet to release my rage. And now, for the five of you still putting up with this show, it’s time to stop being productive members of society and start getting real(ly desperate for entertainment). This is The Real World Reunited: Las Vegas!

Previously on the Real World: Trishelle came back to Vegas completely dumb-bitchified by the seedy world of B cinema with a platinum weave and lots and lots of gum. “I’m an ACTRESS!”, she proclaimed. I am so. Sure.

Meryl Streep is green with envy right now.

Frank, still on his quest to prove to America that he’s not the goodie two shoes bore snore pansy ass cracker we all thought he was, got wasted, broke a bunch of dinnerware, and gleeked on Irulan, who was like:

You totally disrespected and desecrated my spirit! I spit on your Meemaw!

The best part of that pic is Arissa in the back round, ready to go off on anyone or anything that gets in her way. Irulan got herself in a tizzy and ended up sobbing her face off on the phone.

He Gleeeeeked at me mama! Waaaahhh! My spirit! Disrespect! Waaaaahhhh!

Arissa went crazy too. Broken coffee mugs are VIOLENT and DISRESPECTFUL!! She storms out of the house and promises to leave for good, but instead goes downstairs and sits at a nickel slot machine. Go on, Arissa! There’s a hideous lime green limo outside with your name all over it. GO and get your psycho bony ass off my TV.

Miss? Your car’s waiting.

Sure enough, this week starts off with Arissa coming back upstairs, but she refuses to go inside. Trishelle tries to use dumb ass party girl logic on her. “But like…what? I mean, it’s like, Frank’s just like…I mean. I’m in a movie!” Then Arissa’s all “Violent! Abusive!” and she musters up all these fake tears and Trishelle’s all “what? Like…broken glass. So like what do you care?” Arissa tries to squeeze out a couple tears but all she can muster up is more crazy. There have been all these things going on that are not cool…Like you being called out for (allegedly) trying to make out with your “best friend”s boyfriend? Cuz that’s totally different than broken mugs, Crazy Eye. Arissa says that Frank took advantage of her, and he took advantage of the Palms.

Trishelle’s like “What. Ever.”, and leaves Arissa to walk around the casino. Crazily.

Who’s in a movie?

Frank falls down and breaks another glass, so he picks up Trishelle and carries her to the bedroom. She groans and moans, and I go to the bathroom wait for my Wendy’s to come back up. When I return, she’s sitting in the boy’s room and whining about Arissa and then Frank’s like “Look guys. I’m a party animal, ok? It’s in my BLOOD” and Steven’s all “Hey you guys, do I look like Ryan Reynolds?” Trishelle says totally and plays with her hair.

You so do!

Arissa and Irulan decide since they’re both cut from the same manic depressive bi polar a hole cloth, they should get their own rooms to find themselves and cool down. Now who’s taking advantage of the Palms? I’m sure the hotel would rather replace a couple coffee mugs than pony up two additional rooms. Irulan and Brynn come down to visit Arissa. If this suite blew up right now, this show would be like 100 times better. Brynn’s all, oh poor Irulan for missing her bf and having to look at Alton’s tight ass all day and night. Brynn would be sad, too! Yeah right. Babe, your ex was a pole and I have a feeling if you saw him again, you’d climb right back on and shake your money maker like the pro you are. Don’t front, soccer mommy. You can take a girl out of a strip club…

Irulan and Arissa are mad as hell, and they aren’t gonna take it anymore! Brynn tries to explain to Arissa that she needs to see a doctor and get a heavy prescription, but Arissa shakes her head and screams “Agression! Violence!” Oy.

Steven goes over to the bachelor pad suite from last week and finds Frank naked, smelly and slimy in bed. Steven walks his friend back to their room and tells him he’s not handling his alcohol very well. This coming from the guy who hurled and innocent bimbo into the Palms’ pool a couple of weeks ago. But he’s wearing glasses, so you know he’s sensible, smart Steven today.

Lens Crafters Authoritaaay!

And of course, by the time we come back from commercial, Irulan has come home to the loft. The other room The Palms gave her was a total shithole, and there was no tight ass to salivate over or anyone to accuse of violence and cry to her mom about. To celebrate, she goes down to the pool with Trishelle and Brynn. Trishelle regales the girls with stories from her fairy tail movie star life. Since she’s like an actress now, life’s like hard you know? Cuz you have to like memorize lines and see people and it’s like pressure to be an actress like her. You know? And now that’s she’s like, an actress, she’s afraid people are gonna get all gossipy about her and any minute there’s gonna be paprazzi hiding in the bushes and trying to get a slice of her soul! Riiiight.

OMG you guys I’m like totally an actress and it’s haaaaaarrrrdddd!!!

Irulan tells her wow, it’s great how Trishelle can be all strong and unemployed almost all year round. Ouch. She pats herself on the back and says that Trishelle’s brave for being so confident in her (most likely) horrible acting and Irulan’s brave for going off her meds on a TV show. They’re all heroes just for being there by the pool at the Palms.

Speaking of heroes, Arissa has found the strength to come back from her shite room and Frank apologizes profusely. He tells us that the bitch is crazy, but he’ll say sorry to shut her up. She nods enthusiastically and gives him props for copping to pushing her out of her comfort zone. Now, if her comfort zone was just a little closer to an open window…Frank notes that it’s the second time they’re doing the show and he’s still apologizing to Arissa. But this time, he’s not a boring Midwestern cheeze ball about it, he’s a freakin’ STUD! She hugs him and I start plucking my eyelashes one at a time in the fetal position.

When he’s done with that ass make out, he finds Irulan and asks her to bend over. She forgives him and suggests he take a couple tai bo classes to work out all his agression. He kicks her face and snaps her neck, shouting “I already know tai bo, bitch!”. She falls to the floor, dead. When I wake up from my positive thinking meditation, Irulan’s still alive and Frank’s wiping his mouth out with his t-shirt. He’s had a busy day.

You need to get to Intensive Care, girl!

Arissa decides to make dinner either to poison everyone or to prove that she’s over it and wants peace. She’s acting all calm and peaceful, but look what she’s frying.

Be afraid, boys. Be very afraid.

This girl is a psychology class. Alton is mad that he’s forced to eat apology lasagna, and he sits almost under the table, like he’s afraid something could be thrown at his head any minute.

You can run, but you can’t hide!

Trishelle agrees. She’ll binge on your food and purge it out later because it’s delicious, but it doesn’t make up for the fact that Arissa’s mentally unstable and has big crazy eyes. Then she pulls off her top and does a back bend.

Samantha, a Palms rep, comes by to deliver the housemates an invitation and stays waaaay too long.

Well, alright then. Thanks……Bye.

The invitation is to catch a screening of Trishelle’s movie, Ninja Cheerleaders! Everyone looks totally psyched.

Wait, you’re seriously in a movie? On a screen?

Trishelle’s nervous because the other girls might get (wise to the fact that Trishelle’s a severely terrible actress) jealous and catty. They ask her what the movie’s about, but she doesn’t know. LOLOLLLLL. She’s like a cheerleader, who like…wanna see the trailer? No? Alright, well, she’s like totally in it.

The screening takes place in a nightclub, which is our 100th clue that this movie is gonna suck. Trishelle plays a moron highschooler who’s being sexually harassed by some cave man. Highschool? That director should be more careful with his angles.

I’m sorry, but that is NOT a high school waddle.

Her roomies laugh and laugh, and Trishelle explains that they’re laughing cuz the movie’s a comedy. Really? Ninja Cheerleaders? Oy. The roof of the club opens up and ninjas drop in and dance around. Irulan asks Trishelle if she feels like a star. “Kinda!” Sorry, sugar, but the only thing you’ve got in common with Dame Judi Dench is neck flab.

Next week, people act like a bunch of a holes and I try to resist ripping out the rest of my eyelashes.