The Philadelphia So Long

Well, the long, boring road known as The Real World: Philadelphia finally came to an end this week, and just in time. I had become very fearful last week that we’d have to endure a double dose of Landon and Shavonda now that the Inferno II has hit the airwaves. So imagine my delight Monday night when during the season premiere of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge I stumbled upon a quiet little promo advertising the glorious end of RW 15? Ah, sweet reality euthanasia.Tuesday night’s season finale began surprisingly in the Philly hotspot, Shampoo. Whaaa?? No visits to Pure for the season finale? Why, I feel positively betrayed. Nevertheless, Willie had dragged most of the cast to the gay bar because, well, not really sure. But it was a group event and everyone seemed chipper; that is, of course, until Miss Britney Lynn descended upon the crowd. No, she wasn’t a two bit porn star. Miss Britney Lynn was a flamboyant drag queen whose robust stature was just one Weather Girl away from needing a cattle harness to help her out of bed.

Upon spying this crazy phenomenon of a man who dresses up like a woman (in a gay bar? Well I NEVER!), MJ seemed so slackjawed, I feared his precious chewing tobaccy might tumble out his mouth. “I’m straight! I’m straight! I’m straight!” he yelled defensively as he quickly scampered away from the club, perhaps to find the gentle comfort of Landon’s embrace: “This bad man dressed like a woman made me feel gay, Landon. Hold me.”

With MJ having zipped away like the Road Runner, Willie later told Mel and some others that he feels like his roommate “looks at me as a character, not a person.” Yeah, that’s a pretty fair statement. I guess it’s bound to happen when you appear on a TV show known for casting “the gay one” and “the angry black one” and “the slutty one” and “the bitch”. Willie then went on to say that it’s been partially his fault for not reaching out to MJ and letting him see more than just a character. WHAAA? Please tell me I didn’t hear what I just thought I heard. A Real Worlder taking responsibility for his actions??? I’m sorry Willie, but I think you owe the producers a huge apology. That sort of mature, rational thinking is a huge violation of Real World casting. Personally, I’m offended, and honestly, somewhat disoriented. In fact, I’ve spent the past two days in a fetal position, whispering “I’ll never tell…” over and over again.

The next day, the roomies all milled about, packing boxes and folding clothing. There were various ruminations on how everyone was going to miss everyone and man, they just can’t believe it’s over. Fair enough. But then came the two-headed beast of Landon and Shavonda. Oh woe is them! Landon was feeling like a droopy emoticon as he expressed regret that he and Shavonda have been having sex ever since Fiji. I mean, he wasn’t feeling regret on his part. He just felt badly for her because she might get too attached and has that pussy boyfriend Shaun. Awww. Landon, your patronizing guilt is so warm and cuddly. It’s the emotional version of your cow t-shirt!

Later that evening, Shavonda snuck into Landon’s bed and the two humped like bunnies. Annoying, needy, boring bunnies. “The sex between Shavonda and I will kinda make things sticky for our friendship,” said Landon, immediately paving the way for all sorts of “sticky” jokes that I’ll leave to you, the readers. Well, okay, maybe I’ll indulge in few…

Let me just get out my Gene Rayburn microphone…

Landon and Shavonda’s sex will make their friendship so sticky, (HOW STICKY??) Landon will use it as his new hair gel!

Landon and Shavonda’s sex will make their friendship so sticky, (HOW STICKY??) MJ will think it’s Landon’s bumhole!

Landon and Shavonda’s sex will make their friendship so sticky, (HOW STICKY??) it will be wildly reminiscent of semen!

Aaaand scene.

After a little coitus non-interruptus, Landon decided to make Shavonda jealous for some unknown reason. He called up McKenzie, a random waitress he had met somewhere along the line, and the two shared a lovely little date as Landon boasted that he was a seventh year senior. Moments later, he confessed to pursuing a major in landscape design. I still don’t know which academic feat was more embarrassing. Later, Landon brought McKenzie back to the mansion to partake in all the joys of MTV living. Okay, they basically just hopped into the hot tub. Amazingly, this was McKenzie’s first time in a hot tub, and thankfully, since she was not an official member of the cast, we were spared the episode long saga the producers so wanted this to be. Chivalrous Landon asked us who was he to deny McKenzie this “one wish” to experience warm, pulsating water? Man, that Landon is such a standup guy. In between his drunken rages and late night womanizing, you just know his big ole heart is filled with rainbows and love.

Of course, if you’re a skeptic like me, you probably think McKenzie’s hot tub virginity may have simply been a ploy for an amphibious makeout session. Then again, she did wear a t-shirt in the tub which leads me to believe this girl has some sort of modesty. Good god! First Willie’s maturity and now a random girl’s modesty? What has this show turned into? The real world?

Shavonda meanwhile, fresh from saying just how unattached she was from her sexual relationship with Landon, found herself, well, attached. She became immediately jealous, wishing she were the girl in the hot tub. Awww. It’s not like you had ALL SEASON to get in the hot tub with Landon. Anyway, the show moved into a commercial break, and as I watched a promo for MTV’s upcoming Spring Break, I couldn’t help but notice what looked like Real World reject Bobby passing out American Eagle gift bags. For those of you who may have forgotten, Bobby was the annoying Lenny Kravitz wannabe who tried to fill the vacancy that Frankie had left on Real World San Diego. It’s good to see he’s parlayed his fleeting reality career into a fleeting MTV promo career.

The stunning career of Bobby.

After the commercial break, we returned to the den of despair currently occupied by Landon and Shavonda. With McKenzie gone and forgotten, Landon apologized to Shavonda and assured her that he had not had sex with another woman. Shavonda seemed pleased and sighed “I’m gonna miss cuddling with you.” This comment may have had more emotional weight had we not seen the two exactly twenty four hours prior on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Yeah, those cuddle times will be really few and far between. I hope they’ll get to see each other in those four week breaks between Challenges.

Meanwhile, the show thankfully veered into more compelling territory as we caught up with Willie who was drinking some beers with MJ, Mel, and someone else. Willie told the heartbreaking story of how his parents were turning his younger siblings against him and how he felt powerless to do anything. MJ desperately tried to articulate to us how this moment meant something to him, but in the end, he wound up simply telling his roommate that there’s no way he’ll ever burn in hell. Thanks, POPE MJ. Maybe he should write some greeting cards. “Your soul is bright. You’ll never be a servant to Satan.” Or maybe “You’re going straight to HADES. Oh, my bad. You’re not.”

Speaking of cards, Landon penned a sappy little missive to Shavonda, and while it wasn’t an official “Cuddle Card” (Shavonda’s fave), it did make her all gooey and happy. Attention! Yay! The two hugged and then… took a shower? Uh OK. That’s not always my first instinct to receiving a Hallmark card, but hey, I also don’t often get cards that say “Meet me in the shower in five minutes.”

As the lovebirds scrubbed down, we hit the twenty minute mark of this finale, and with nary a word from Mel, Karamo, or Sarah, we’ll just assume they had personal growth this season as well. On the last morning in Philly, Sarah cooked a gruesome breakfast featuring pancakes that looked like giant batter-made turds. Melanie was the first to leave, causing tears all around. As she stepped into her cab and drove off, we could almost hear a sigh of relief coming from the cast members. Finally, bitch is gone. “Saying goodbye to Melanie was way too hard,” said Landon, adding “And I didn’t even like her!”

Next to go were Willie and Sarah who were both a quivering mess. MJ gave Willie a peck on the cheek, which was more action than Sarah had seen all season long. The two went off in a bus where Willie commented, “MJ gave me a kiss.” Yeah, WE KNOW.

When it came time for MJ to leave, he and Landon shared a tender embrace. “I’ve learned so much from Landon… You can be a man and have a sissy conversation,” he said. Um, did MJ just call Landon a sissy? Not that I’m disagreeing or anything…

Finally, it was down to Landon and Shavonda. The two hugged… and hugged… and cried… and hugged. Landon managed to cry from his sideburns and — oh, that’s just sweat. Yes, apparently this farewell took place on the muggiest day of the season because the entire affair was undermined by distracting amounts of sweat seeping through Landon’s clothes. I guess it’s an appropriate image to end on: nasty, malodorous, and incredibly unsightly. Goodbye Real World Philadelphia. May your legacy always be Bunim/Murray’s lasting pit stain.