Tonight on Lifetime: Interracial Relationships! Domestic Violence! Body Image Issues! Girl Power!

***Please welcome your newest recapper to the fold, VirginiaApple!

Hola, Gasmii! In the spirit of this year’s Real World theme (that would be “CHANGE” in case any of you live in a vacuum), I am here as a brand new recapper to bring you the Real World: Despite Jersey Shore, not all hope for the future is lost. We swear. Let’s see how long we can embrace this “change” before you inevitably turn on me for not accomplishing enough in my new position due to my inexperience. Or before TVGasm pulls an NBC and decides to replace me with my predecessor.

Previously on The Real World, the roommates moved in. I know, you forgot about that part, didn’t you? Emily and Ty are already, to put it in Facebook terms, “It’s Complicated.” So far, everyone has been pretty polite. I think this is the week were it gets “real.” Let’s find out, shall we?

We begin with Emily and Ty hanging out in one part of the house while Virgin Andrew (who, by the way, already has clothes EVERYWHERE in his room) and Rocker Chick (who is really more like Adult Contemporary Chick) convene somewhere else to discuss whether or not there has been any nookie. Odrama’s spidey sense goes off and she appears from nowhere to whisper that the sex (or “naughty-naughty” in Jesus talk) has been had. Her reasoning? Emily is “happy today.” Because she’s been a real downer before today. Odrama is so sure, she swears on her beloved Bible. I’m sure God appreciates that.

The Virgin has finally had enough of her speculation and runs off to get an official confirmation or denial. The alleged lovers don’t really give a straight answer, which leads everyone to assume they did. Emily doesn’t understand the big deal, and neither do I. But then again, I’m not a virgin or a drama queen. Moving on…

Emily tells Odrama about her fear of all emotions. I can’t even concentrate because I’m too busy concentrating on Gayish Guy (what’s his name? Mike?) who is, hilariously, sleeping next to Odrama while they have this conversation. Was she just lying next to him while he slept? That is en route to bunny boiling levels of creepy right there.

But anyway, Emily’s scared of feelings because they remind her of the time when she was in a cult or something. Odrama is already thinking about their “black/white” babies. Does she think they come out like zebras? She opines about how perfect they are for each other and expressed her excitement in anticipation of the drama that is sure to follow. Emily reminds us that she is an independent woman who can’t be tied down.

Next topic is Callie’s veganism. I am surprised to learn that Odrama and I actually do have something in common when she announces that she loves cheeseburgers and bacon. And of course, she then changes the topic to weight. Callie promptly counters all of her attempts at body-image related drama, which kind of makes me like Callie. This makes Odrama uncomfortable, which is kind of fun for everyone.

The Lovebirds and Gayish guy work out at the gym (no tanning or laundry to be seen), after which the Lovebirds have a cuddle session on a bench. Ew, sweaty. Turns out Emily’s got some body image issues of her own, but Ty loves those Thunder Thighs.

Now Ty’s having a chat in bed with Odrama. Do any of them ever have conversations that don’t take place while in a horizontal position? Honestly, the proportion of hooking up to amount of time spent in each others’ beds is nowhere near proper Real World standards. Does this place even have a couch? Anyway, Ty is thinking about his exgirlfriend and the fact that he already broke his promise to himself not to sleep with anyone while he was here. Relationship talk… blah, blah, blah. Wait a minute? Didn’t they decide 2 episodes ago that they didn’t get along and didn’t need to talk to each other? Damn, has Odrama outtalked everyone else ALREADY?

Ty calls his ex to discuss their status. She suggest being friends sometime down the road. When he mentions having sex with one of his roommates, she promptly says she has to go. Probably to stick “I told you so” pins in her Ty voodoo doll.

The Lovebirds and Callie go to work out, again. These roommates have exercised more in this episode than I have in my entire life. Ty tells Emily about the conversation with his ex, and she attempts to be sympathetic for a minute before changing the subject to boxing in order to get the frustrations out. Feelings are scary!

Callie goes for a run and discusses how important fitness is to her because her mom is a personal trainer. She gets back to the house and tells the roommates that she got lost and had to run quite the distance before she ended up back home. It’s okay Callie. Just run in circles, you have to find it eventually. She hugs the Virgin, and he is appropriately grossed out by how sweaty she is.

The Virgin and Rocker Guy discuss their ability to see the girls through the shower door. At least they have shower doors this season, I seem to remember that not always being true. They agree that Callie has a nice body with some meat on her bones, but can’t tell her that because she’s sensitive about it. Hope she doesn’t decide to, you know, actually watch this episode or anything. Rocker Guy understates that “some girls” are self-concious about that type of thing. Yeah, only a select few though.

Back to the Lovebirds for another discussion about his vulnerability, her fear of feelings, and I tune out until I hear Emily tell Ty to “grow a pair of balls” while she walks away from him.

Emily and AC Chick straighten their hair while discussing Ty’s excessive neediness and Emily’s need for independence. She doesn’t want the “awkward, messy situation” that comes from dating or relationships. Because sending mixed signals and hooking up with your roommate has much less potential for awkwardness. This is evident in the no less than 3 painfully awkward scenes between Emily and Ty so far this episode (currently on minute 14).

While out for a night on the town, Ty gets jealous when he sees Emily talking to another black guy. I guess she’s got a case of Jungle Fever. No sign of her flirting with any girls though, so I guess she’s over her case of Cat Scratch Fever. Because the music supervisor is as subtle as Andrew’s virginity and Odrama’s love for, well, drama, this is followed with the lyrics “She shot you down like an animal.” He’s pissed, she’s having fun, I’m waiting for shit to get REAL.

Back at the house so we can stop being polite. Ty’s jealousy erupts at Emily (instead of him erupting inside her like the other night- hey-oh!). Emily’s not going to have any of that pussy yelling shit though. She wants to wrestle it out. They’re both slurring a lot and not making complete sense, so I’m ready to for the yelling to stop too.

The “violence” actually seems to help, because everyone’s laughing and Odrama asks if they’re going to have sex now or in 5 minutes so she can set up her spy equipment. Then Emily spits in Ty’s face.

He backs her up against the wall, calling her “bitch” until Gayish Guy stops him. It all gets broken up with the help of various roomies, but Odrama is just sitting there LOVING this shit:

The Lovebirds chat on their Cuddle Bench. Ty “apologizes” and then passively aggressively displays his lingering bitterness. I’m over this already and we’re only halfway through episode 3. Awesome.

Now they’re having version #48394 of this conversation/argument in Emily’s bed. He tries to guilt her into having sex with him, and she’s having none of it. He finally leaves her bed after she gets up to go sleep somewhere else. Emily runs into Gayish Guy, who starts giving her a speech about how she’s too good to put up with Ty’s bullshit. Emily is already perfectly aware of this, though, and just wants to go to bed. Ty had better not be there though, under threat of castration.

Ty sleeps alone while Odrama and the Virgin have a Rejected Roomies cuddle session in Emily’s bed while she tells them tales about what it’s like on the other side of rejection. She feels good, having said everything she wanted to. She says goodnight to Ty, Andrew, and Ashley, but forgets John Boy.

The next morning, everyone pieces together the previous evening for everyone else. If all of that truly happened in one night, that is quite the long ordeal. Emily and Ty debate whether or not the fight is over. I kind of don’t mind Odrama in the rare moments when she’s not talking, because her reaction shots are pretty priceless:

Now, on to the body image portion of the episode. The ladies are discussing whether or not they’d ever do Playboy when Ty tells Callie she’s not skinny enough. Record scratch.

The girls convene outside. Callie mentions that Ty made a comment that upset her, then insists that she does not want to talk about it. Speaking of “not talking about it,” we’re going to spend most of the rest of the episode talking about it. This is why men think we’re crazy.

And now, it is time for a Girl Power Convention. You’re beautiful just the way you are! I love you! I hate myself! Be comfortable in your own skin!

Ty walks out in the midst of this conversation and is met with complete silence and stares. Yes, even from Odrama. Now you KNOW this is serious.

They try to explain to Ty that he upset Callie, and she discusses how she’s been doing such a good job staying positive until one thing sends her back to her dark place. I guess we’ve all been there in some form or another. At least she has the good sense to be embarrassed about it.

AC Chick continues to soundbite about girls and their self images and supermodels and whatnot. Callie turns it back to the issue at hand and gives Ty a speech about how he hurt her feelings. Again, though, I have to give her credit for realizing that this is a stupid thing to get so upset over.

And now, Emily is explaining to Ty AGAIN about him hurting Callie’s feelings. Apparently he knew before he said it that it was a bad idea. Emily convinces him to apologize in order to prevent Callie from crying herself to sleep and waking up at 5 AM to run the pain away. Ty wonders via confessional if maybe he shouldn’t try to push people’s buttons so much. NO, Ty, you can’t go back to being POLITE once you’ve gotten REAL! That’s not how it works!

Ty starts off his “apology” by calling Callie sensitive, which we all know is the ideal way to approach a female in a fragile state of mind. He explains that he makes comments to bring his friends down to keep them from getting too cocky. Yes, because the problem here is that Callie’s self-esteem is too high. They seem to be okay by the end of the conversation, but that’s never going to last.

Odrama, AC Chick, and Callie go out to eat. Callie attributes her body image issues in part to her mother being hard on her since she is a personal trainer/aerobics instructor. I can’t even concentrate anymore because watching them eat is making me SO HUNGRY.

Callie continues to deal with her body image issues by calling up the source, AKA Callie’s Mom. To be fair, her mom seems pretty supportive. Callie is determined not to let little things bother her and to be comfortable in her own skin. Not to nitpick, but all this talk about being comfortable in one’s skin is inaccurate in this situation. It’s the rest of their bodies they have a problem with.

The Girl Power time continues as the female roomies bond by going to Latin dance class. They feel awesome about themselves.

Emily and Ty have the exact same conversation they’ve had 5 times this episode about where they stand. No need for me to recap this part, just go re-read the others if you’re still unclear. Again, this is why Facebook has an “It’s Complicated” option.

Next week: The Virgin remains a virgin. He’s tired of spooning damn it! Odrama gets pissed as Gayish Guy gets gayer! And Gayish Guy’s mad as hell and he’s not going to take it any more!