TVgasm Enters The Real World

Real World

By B-Side | Friday, August 26, 2005 | 1:06 pm | 30 Comments

There’s a reason why I’ve been slow with this week’s Real World recap (again). It’s because on Tuesday night, while most people were watching the Real World: Austin from the comfort of their living rooms, I was watching the Real World: Austin from the comfort of a folding chair… about twenty feet from the entire cast.

Yes, the assembled group of Melinda, Lacey, Nehemiah, Rachel, Danny, Johanna, and Wes took to the stage Tuesday night at California State University at Northridge (known affectionately as “CSUN”) to talk about various topics such as alcohol abuse, safe sex, self-esteem, and, of course, farts. As a dutiful — and now fairly pathetic — TV blogger, I trekked out to the Valley to document this madness, incurring the derision of both J-Unit and my colleagues at Defamer. Let it be known, however, that I will stop at nothing to supply the tender morsels of gossip our readers so desperately crave. I will even go into the Valley. Sometimes.Let me set the stage. Basically, the auditorium was full of mostly girls in their late teens. And me. It was one of the more manly moments of my life. Actually, there were a bunch of frat guys there too; so my male ego managed to stay somewhat intact.

Anyway, as I nestled into my little chair, I heard two excitable girls babbling about how they just totally saw Danny and like OMG they took took a picture with him! They then spoke at length about how awesome it would be to join The Real World, and I slowly realized that pretty much everyone there was hoping to get plucked from the audience and be transformed into an MTV superstar. This is where MTV’s The ’70s House gets its cast: CSUN.

After a significant delay, the cast finally walked out on stage where they were greeted by an errant paper airplane. (NOT thrown by me, thank you very much. I did chuckle though.) Wes kicked things off with a fairly affable if not forgettable speech about safe sex. He was a decent talker and surprisingly quick and funny. Seemed like much less of a douche bag than on TV. It became very apparent to me that this evening would not be filled with the gossip-worthy tidbits I had so dreamed for.

Here is one of many terrible pictures I took. It’s Wes talking. Fascinating.

Next up was Johanna who gave one of the more ridiculous speeches of the night. No, her topic was not the degree to which Everybody Loves A Spicy Latina. Instead, she tackled the heavy topic of alcohol abuse. When not giggling and calling the students losers for not going out on Thursday nights, she read off statistics about binge drinking and then eventually listed many of the downfalls of alcohol abuse: getting sick, being late to class, opening yourself up for date rape (to which she added, “And that’s not very funny.”), and of course, gaining weight. On the plus side though, alcohol does give you confidence! Way to go, Johanna!

Don’t abuse alcohol. Unless it makes you feel good!

After Jo-Jo wrapped up, Danny took the podium to talk about… drinking and driving. That’s cool and everything, but… don’t you want to talk about coping with death? I guess not. Truth was that Danny really sucked. I had all this good will stored up towards him, and he just completely destroyed it. The guy had this sort of cocky arrogance on stage, which was fairly unwarranted because a) he’s only a reality star; b) he gave a very poor speech; and c) he’s only a reality star. Either way, I had an extremely adverse reaction to him, possibly bolstered by some girls sitting behind me who said they had met him earlier in the week (the cast had apparently been there for a few days) and he had been a major asshole to them. So you heard it here first! Danny sucks.

Oh, and in person, his head sort of looks like the alien from Alien. Really weird. Can’t describe it.

Melinda stands for her man. And I think she’s pointing to her vag too.

danny_talks2
Danny with a short-brimmed hat? How refreshing!

danny_talks3
Hey Danny, go away.

Rachel came up next to talk about stress and how to cope with it. And no, this did not result in a seven minute discussion about the stress of receiving melted cotton candy ice cream in the mail. Her speech was actually pretty good, despite it sounding like something you’d hear in an 8th grade classroom. Rachel spoke about her military experience, and the account was surprisingly engaging and fascinating. Unfortunately, she seemed to think that we’d forget how everything tied together with her central theme, and so after nearly every sentence, she’d announce, “And that was very stressful,” or “And that was very stressful too,” or “As you can imagine, that was a lot of stress.” She literally told a story about how on the first night at camp, the sirens went off because a scud missile was heading towards them. She then added, “It was a lot of stress.” YA THINK?

Melinda penetrates me with the glassy eyes of a SHE-DEMON! REPENT!!!

Next up was Nehemiah who happily took the stage with arms open and flapping, urging the audience to cheer. His topic was anger management, and blah blah blah, there wasn’t really anything too memorable here. But Nehemiah was very good on stage. He really commanded the audience; although, that might have been because he was nearly yelling into the microphone. People were literally saying “SHHHH!!!” to him. But I’m pretty sure he didn’t hear (considering that he continued to bellow out over the crowd).

Giving probably the best speech of the night was Lacey who treaded through familiar territory about acceptance and tolerance. She talked about her boyfriend who’s paralyzed and various other handicapped people she’s met in life, mostly in her beauty salon. It was a very earnest speech that seemed to have sincere emotion behind it, unlike some others (cough, Wes, cough, Johanna, cough DANNY).

“That crazy Lacey. What is this ‘virgin’ concept she talks of?’

And finally, there was our favorite nympho, Melinda. She also gave a strong speech about self-esteem and all that fun stuff. She called her ex-boyfriend an asshole and then babbled on about low self-esteem for a while. By that time, however, I was hungry and no longer interested in these After School Special topics, so I kind of zoned out, despite Melinda’s quality as a speaker. Oooh, but mine ears did perk up when Melinda talked about how her ex-boyfriend pressured her into threesomes and sex with other people. Yes, murmurs were heard all around.

Little-known fact: Melinda was studying to be a dentist before The Real World. She just liked any field involving the term “oral.”

Okay, now I feel badly because Melinda seemed really sweet. Actually, with the exception of Danny, the whole cast seemed like very nice people. Speaking of Danny, he took to the stage again to announce that he wasn’t originally going to talk about his mother’s death, but because he was SUCH a GOOD guy, he was going to. Thanks Danny! He then rambled on for about two minutes, not really talking about his loss, but instead imploring us to make sure our loved ones know we love them. Fantastic.

After the speeches, the group fielded questions from the audience, and Danny — Mr. Too Cool For School — nearly grabbed the microphone out of the moderator’s hands with every chance he could get. Here’s what I can remember: Melinda and Lacey applied for The Real World because they both lived sheltered lives and wanted to experience new things. That’s legit. Danny claimed he applied as a joke (riight) but he also wanted to experience new things (as evidenced by him spending the season bundled up in his bed). As for the rest of the cast, their motivations revealed a sad state of affairs, if you ask me. Nehemiah admitted that he wants to direct music videos, so he applied solely to develop a relationship with MTV. Wes, Johanna, and Rachel, meanwhile, simply confessed they wanted a break from their lives and to party. The Real World indeed!

As for other tidbits: Melinda never took a shit in the house the entire time there. Nehemiah left raw chicken in the fridge, which then dripped everywhere. He also left raw hamburger on the kitchen counter, causing blood to run all over the place as well. (And in case you couldn’t tell, the roomies had to clean up everything themselves.) As for farting, Nehemiah said that it happened quite a bit.

And now some completely shallow observations:

Johanna looked great in person. She had huge breasts too.
Wes and Nehemiah must be hanging out with Rafael Palmiero. They were pumped up.
Danny, as I mentioned before, looks like an alien.
All the guys in general were quite short, veering on trollish.
Yes, Lacey looked much better in person.
Melanie from Real World: Philly was there and honestly, she looked super hot. I’m not even joking. This girl has gone Hollywood.
Did I mention that Danny was a dick?

The kids watch a video clip of their inanity.

cast_signing1
Some bitch stepped right in front of my camera and screwed up my autofocus. Thanks, jerk.

cast_signing2
Do not worry. I am not so lame as to get an autograph from these people.

Comments (30)
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About B-Side

30 Comments

1

sharon W

Posted August 26, 2005 at 1:23 pm

B-side is my hero.

He suffers so we can be entertained.
2

bacardi

Posted August 26, 2005 at 2:05 pm

Suffered he did indeed. Seems like a snorefest, but the re-cap was excellent.
3

sean

Posted August 26, 2005 at 2:06 pm

I second that. I heart you B-side!
4

jrock

Posted August 26, 2005 at 2:30 pm

thanx that was cool, i never get a really gossip on these idiots its like eating cotton candy
5

sg-dub

Posted August 26, 2005 at 3:03 pm

B-Side, please tell me this shit didn’t cost you a dime.
6

Chenbot

Posted August 26, 2005 at 3:05 pm

I will feel really bad for B-Side when he goes and meets the fiendship and Eric “crappy” Littmann at the BB6 wrap party.

He better bring us back some autographs. :–)
7

Jennifer

Posted August 26, 2005 at 3:17 pm

Really cool, but why was Mel there from the Philly show? What is she up to now? Did Wes/Johanna and Danny/Mel look like a couple?
8

Svan

Posted August 26, 2005 at 3:34 pm

Why the hell did we get this instead of a Real World recap? Are we getting one? And why so fucking late with the RW recaps?
9

B-side

Posted August 26, 2005 at 3:54 pm

Hey Svan. It may shock you to know that we actually have lives and responsibilities outside of this blog. Be happy you get anything at all.
10

Svan

Posted August 26, 2005 at 5:05 pm

Judging by the amount of shitty tv shows that you write about, there isn’t too much responsiblities or lives that you are living.
11

B-Side

Posted August 26, 2005 at 5:26 pm

I don’t know. You’re the one waiting on pins and needles for A BLOG
12

ketamine

Posted August 26, 2005 at 5:38 pm

I’ve always heard that former MTV reality “stars” end up making a living from doing speech tours (I guess thats what you call them?). I was never sure what the hell they they were speaking about but now I have a better idea.

You’d think it was some sort of noble deed. I’m not so sure judging from the same tired pre-packaged topics. Seems like just another way for them and MTV to capitalize off their quasi celebrityhood. Although, I can imagine some of them may actually be sincere with a legitimate message like Lacey. Out of this cast I did imagine hers potentially being the most realistic and heartfelt. But really – Johanna talking condemning binge drinking??
13

madeyoulaugh

Posted August 26, 2005 at 9:55 pm

Ketamine,

I could be wrong but– hahaha…sorry, it’s just, well, Im really never wrong..

Anyways, I assume the reason Johanna might be talking about binge drinking is because she clearly has learned something from it..like watching herself look the fool on TV. Also Wes talking about safe sex and STDs since he is a slut, and Lacey talking about diversity cause she is an albino.

MYL
14

Leah3t

Posted August 27, 2005 at 7:10 am

I had the honor of calling B-Side’s cell phone while these speeches were going on and hearing someone make some speech while I chuckled. I listening and laughed most of my way home.
(B-side is like Mike Jones by the way. Call his cell, all of you! He’ll answer!)
Why do colleges sponsor this crap? Is there where my tax dollars go? So SUNY can give people the opportunity to isten to this? I wouldn’t be surprised of MTV paid schools to host these speeches.
15

Holly

Posted August 27, 2005 at 12:25 pm

Johanna talking about not drinking?
hmmm… ok….
(holding in my sniggers while making a 2nd paper airplane)

And I won’t be so rude about it B-side, but for real… the show just isn’t as “good” without the accompanying commentary. You’re the only person I really read on TVgasm, cause the RW recaps are about it for me. (I only eat the choicest meats HAHA! That sounds so dirty… oh well. :p
16

B-Side

Posted August 28, 2005 at 1:23 am

Holly — I know you *love* the RW recaps, which is why I feel badly that I haven’t even gotten around to typing it up.

Busy week, folks! Lots of activity in the world of B-Side (none of it actually interesting though).
17

Tom

Posted August 28, 2005 at 6:41 am

B-Side,

While it’s no substitute for a RW recap, your comment No. 11 gave me a big laugh.

And here’s a request: In some upcoming recap, could you compare the entertainment value of this season to the other recent seasons? I think this is a pretty lame group. The only thing that’s been improving is MTV’s skill at marketing these shows.
18

michelle

Posted August 28, 2005 at 6:54 am

ghahaah what ever B-side loves this shit
19

Holly

Posted August 28, 2005 at 5:01 pm

heheh B-side… yeah I’m sure I’m on your mind ALL the time. “Poor Holly won’t get her RW recap this week!” hehehe. Nice try though.
20

Tootie

Posted August 29, 2005 at 8:53 am

So can we assume that they all now live in LA and fuck Trishelle? Did anyone ask them that? I am assuming it’s mandatory during the initiation upon leaving the RW house.
21

suebee

Posted August 29, 2005 at 9:58 am

B-side,
You’re doing a great job. What would we ever do without you?

Here’s what happened this week for those of you waiting not so patiently for the blog: Danny came back, Mel was happy, Danny wasn’t so sure he wanted to be with her, but in the end, they snuggled up in bed together. Oh, and they found out they had a editing suite in the house. It was there the whole time and they did’t even know! It was pretty lame.
22

kaybee

Posted August 29, 2005 at 1:09 pm

more recap… johanna wore a padded bra & was verrry drunk but cheery when she slurred something about making up with wes.
mel drank herself stupid (and catatonic) while going on & on with that really annoying, overused line, “i like danny so much.”
knitwit cast
23

Aj

Posted August 29, 2005 at 1:53 pm

Hooray Beer! Hooray WEST!

He got some…
24

Holly

Posted August 29, 2005 at 5:10 pm

Did he really “get some” or did they just “make out”? (And we all know Wes’s definition of “making out,” as shown when he “totally made out with Melinda” earlier in the season…)

But whatever it was, you can see on the clips for the new episode that he gave up on the “I’ll kiss her for like 2 seconds, then walk away and say this is what you coulda had” strategy. Hmmm, I’m so surprised. (yawn)
25

c town

Posted August 30, 2005 at 12:31 pm

how can that be about melinda??
wouldn’t she have exploded?
or did she leave the house and find a Mickey D’s or something whenever nature called?
26

Maggi

Posted September 1, 2005 at 2:13 pm

I know that this response is kind of late but I just wanted everyone, especially Holly, I don’t know if you watch Laguna Beach but B-side’s recaps for that show are even funnier than the RW ones. B-side, this sounds like it was absolutely painfull! Can’t wait to read the new recap. Love it!
27

Emily

Posted September 2, 2005 at 1:52 pm

I agree, the Laguna Beach recaps are the best!!!
28

Sharon

Posted September 7, 2005 at 4:34 am

Does anyone think Wes looks like a young Bono? hehe
29

BILLERICA

Posted September 12, 2005 at 9:54 pm

For the person who wrote that stuff about danny… you must be on crack, becasue danny is by far one of the coolest guys i know… hes a good friend and you dont know him….so dont run your mouth about people you dont know
30

Riff

Posted September 14, 2005 at 11:28 am

Billerica:

Really now, it no longer matters that Danny is “one of the coolest guys” you know. The bottom line is he made the choice to appear on a reality show where “cool”, normal, ordinary people DO NOT make the final cut in the audition process. The people who get cast are the people who show the most potential for causing any situations that are downright crazy, trouble causing, alcohol induced, sexual, etc.

Your boy Danny accomplished all of it! You must be so proud of your little boy!

Next time Danny makes a poor decision (like…say… I don’t know…appearing on a reality show) you should advise him that viewers WILL judge him on what they see on TV and WILL run their mouths on these self absorbed neanderthals.

TVgasm Enters The Real World

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