Real World: Waaaaahmbulance!

Previously on the Real World: Pandrew has mysterious secret pain that I’m starting to think we’ll never get to the bottom of. Emily rejected Ty, and he did not take it well, resulting in tension beyond the sexual kind. Somehow, this resulted in Pandrew plunging into the depths of some concrete.

We pick up right where we left off last week, with poor little Pandrew wailing from the ground after falling over the banister while drunkenly horsing around with Ty. The roomies and Callie’s brother (awwww, remember how she wanted the boys to behave for his sake?) mill around with concern. Emily is the ringleader, checking on Andrew and telling Ty to get inside and away before he accidentally throws someone else over a 10 foot drop headfirst into concrete. The best part? Ty thinks Pandrew is “pretending” that 10 foot drop headfirst into concrete hurt. Well, we can’t all be as badass as you are, Ty. Why don’t you jump over headfirst and show us how much it doesn’t hurt?

Never one to pass up an attempt at sympathy sex, Pandrew tries to kiss Emily once they get him to stand up. Emily tends to Pandrew (in a non-sexual way, much to his dismay) while Callie calls 911.

Ty slurs the story to Douche and Mike and, later on, soberly confessionals that he was not trying to be malicious and tried to hold onto Pandrew but their mutual drunkenness was no match for gravity.

The girls continue to attempt to take care of Pandrew while Ty stumbles in to see if he’s ok. They try to get rid of Ty but he won’t leave, even though Emily plays the “this is my room and you must leave if I say so” card. This is where she exhibits the default Real World personality trait of finding a way to make any situation about herself. She’s very upset about the whole situation. Although, to be fair, all of the roomies are more upset than the two who were involved. Basically the ones who consumed the least alcohol are the ones who are most upset, which sort of bucks the RW trend of drunken anger/sadness.

Poor Mikey, ever the voice of reason (except for when he let hottie Eric get away) doesn’t understand why Ty is laughing or why Emily and Ty are making this about themselves when it should be about Pandrew. The paramedics show up and take Pandrew away on a stretcher while he makes jokes about being drunk and not wearing underwear. Emily confessionals that drunk or sober or with a head injury, “Panda” is still “Panda.” Awww, I love the point in the season when the roomies have nicknames for each other.

The next morning, Pandrew is released with a neck brace. He obviously thinks that will help him get girls. Upon returning home, he examines the scene of the crime and determines, “Ok, that’s a really big drop.”

The roomies slowly awaken and begin to face the day. They express their concerns about the events of the night before.

Ty wanders in and is shocked to learn that Pandrew went to the hospital. Mike explains what happened and he and Emily drop the bomb that today there will be an all-important…. HOUSE MEETING.

WTF? Why is there an hourglass in the RW house? And who decided to use it/film it? Is this season really THAT boring?

And now I am officially convinced that no couch exists in this entire house because the house meeting is being held in chairs/on kitchen stools. Seriously, MTV? You could spring for an Oval Office but no couch? Whatever.

Anyway, much like the Seattle cast following the “slap heard ’round the world,” our current roomies have gathered to discuss what to do about what happened. Wow, remember how minuscule that slap was? Our standards for reality television drama really have grown. Also, Stephen slapped Irene because she called him a homosexual, yet he showed up to the reunion a few years ago OPENLY GAY. Yeah, that was pretty amusing to me.

Ty says he’s sorry about what happened and he’s glad it wasn’t worse, and he hopes he and Pandrew are still friends. Pandrew says he’s cool. I definitely don’t think Ty was really trying to hurt Pandrew, but if something like that can happen by accident I’m afraid of what he could do on purpose.

The roomies take turns saying that Ty gets too aggressive when he’s drunk, and that they’re concerned by it. And of course it becomes about Emily and Ty again as she says that she’s surprised she didn’t get sent to the hospital since most of his anger is usually geared toward her since he’s bitter about being rejected. (Ok, she said some of that and I added some.)

Pandrew’s just sad they made him go to the hospital because he just wanted to be left alone. What terrible people, how dare they be concerned that you might die of a head trauma! I mean, I understand that he doesn’t want Ty to go and doesn’t feel threatened by him, but as far as the hospital goes, sometimes you just have to take the precaution. Callie tells him that plenty of drunk people with head injuries go to bed and don’t wake up. Pandrew walks out on the meeting anyway, saying he thinks Ty should stay.

After listening to everyone, Ty thinks that since alcohol seems to be the source of his aggression, he won’t drink anymore. HA! That won’t last a week on The Real World. Also, remember when Ruthie was an alcoholic? I barely remember that, but I do remember when she was on the Battle of the Sexes challenge and KICKED ASS!

What were we talking about? Oh yeah. Ty promises not to get intoxicated/violent in the house anymore, and if he does he will leave.

Later on, Ty walks in while Emily is lying in the phone room (after spending the previous night sleeping in the Love Sacks- seriously, does she ever use her bed?) and seemingly sincerely apologizes for all of the rude things he’s said to her. He’s very sad they aren’t friends/on the same page anymore. He wants to know if they can be friends. Emily says she doesn’t think it will be at the point it was. It’s difficult for her to rebound from things. Ty is glad that she at least listened this time.

Now that we’re 10 episodes into the season, Ty has decided it’s time to find himself via an internship with the Washington Capitals (that’s a hockey team, FYI). In his “interview,” Ty goes way out on a limb to say that he would “prefer” to turn an assignment in before it was expected rather than after. That should wow them. His interviewer expresses a goal to “penetrate” the Baltimore market. Ooh, kinky.

The roomies are at another product placement party, and Ty is apparently drinking Red Bull sans vodka. Odrama wonders if he’ll be able to stay true to his “no drinking” rule.

On the cab ride home from the party, Ty, Pandrew and Douche are already theorizing ways to get Ty to be allowed to drink again. Well, that “no drinking” thing lasted about as long as Pandrew in bed. Also, my guess is that since we usually see all three of them making out with girls at the same time, and we saw none of them making out at this gloriously fun party, drunk Ty is probably responsible for them getting action. I’m totally guessing here though.

Back at the house, we learn that Pandrew’s friends and family had a “you need to get laid” intervention, which is unsurprising. Douche had a real intervention, which is just a segue for them to start talking about Ty’s “intervention” and say how silly it was. They start making racist jokes about how Ty’s blackness makes him scary. No, “joking” around with people to the point that they take headfirst swan dives into concrete is what makes him scary, but I digress. Emily, who can hear all of their jokes, confessionals that she’s not afraid to be the bad guy because safety is more important than Ty having fun. I wonder how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Pandrew’s little bro William is here for a visit. They don’t look a whole lot alike, but his personality is very much the same, right down to his poor taste in eyewear expressed via silly blue glasses. They have a very awkward and strange greeting.

Douche’s Juice (AKA Wicked Liquid) are practicing, which William thinks is someone playing Rock Band. He sees the phone room and wants to know if Pandrew has ever hid in there for hours just to pop up and scare the shit out of someone trying to make a phone call. I think there should be a whole episode of just that, with minimal footage of Odrama telling us why this brings up bad childhood memories and is more offensive when done to her than to anyone else.

Pandrew shows his bro the massage chair he uses to get women to jiggle. William meets the girls, who want to meet the creatures who spawned these ridiculous children. Apparently William was raised by bears, so I’m sure he and Callie will hit it off well.

For some reason, William is hanging out in the bathroom with the girls while they do their hair. They say that Pandrew doesn’t like to talk about family, etc. Williams explanation for Pandrew not talking about family is that he doesn’t like to “talk about stuff he doesn’t really care about.” This amused me, for some reason. I’m still convinced there’s some secret pain or something that I’m afraid we’ll never get to see. But you know what we do get to see?

Apparently William has a girlfriend, which causes teasing from Pandrew. He leaves and the girls state that they are glad to have some insight into the Mysterious Panda. They wish he would talk more. Then shit gets ridiculous as Cliche states that some people are too willing to immediately share their life stories and Odrama says “sorry.” Hello Kettle, this is Pot. You’re black.

Pandrew and William head over for a brotherly soak in the hot tub, which combined with that disturbingly intimate greeting hug, is just making me uncomfortable. Pandrew says if he had twins he would circumsize one and not the other to tell them apart, since they would have the same name.

Bar. Drinking. Merriment. Ty’s had enough of his sobriety attempt and decides not drinking is “unfair.” Ty has a drink and when Odrama asks him about it, he owns up to having one. She says as long as he’s calm and not getting aggressive toward anyone, she’s okay with it because she doesn’t want to be a babysitter.

The next day, Ty tells Emily about the night before and says he had a beer or two. They fight over whether he said he would leave the house if he drank, or only if he was aggressive. It escalates, but only to yelling. My favorite line is from Emily, “Regardless of what you said, you said it.” Although there is contention for favorite line when Ty says he didn’t say he would leave if he drank “a piece of alcohol.”

Emily has decided she does not want to be a tool in Ty’s learning, or something like that. She decides to avoid him when he’s drinking, which is a top notch plan if you ask me. Ty’s onto her cunning plan to stay in control. Emily leaves, probably to go write poems about angry black men with little kids in order to prevent them from growing up angry black men and encourage them to be English majors so they have degrees with which to…. ummm….

Ty’s at “Media Day” for the Washington Capitals. Apparently as part of this event, he’s going to ice skate. He says he’s been skating twice, the most recent time being 10 years ago. The hockey guy is blasphemized.

And now for some racism talk. Pandrew asks if he can say “Nigers” since there is a country in Africa called “Niger.” Ty says he cannot because no one knows about his one black friend from home. Ty has enough sense to take the whole thing as the joke that it is while Pandrew and his bro sing an elementary school song about not being a racist. Then it’s time for William to leave, and Pandrew said he was happy to have the distraction and have fun with his little bro. Their goodbye is far less awkward than their hello.

Emily calls her mom to explain the latest in the Ty saga, and her mom expresses concerns about everyone’s safety when Ty is drinking. Momily thinks that if people are too easy on him, he’ll never change. She encourages Emily to stand up to Ty, which I’m sure will go swimmingly.

Next thing you know it will be RW/RR Challenge: Evan and Kenny Prohibited.

Ty, Douche, and Pandrew go to lunch, where Ty decides to have a beer. He thinks the girls are “power tripping” and expect him to ask permission for every beer he drinks. Well, my guess is that since he explicitly said he wouldn’t drink, that is why they expected him not to. If he had left it at limited drinking, they probably would have been okay with that.

Emily, Callie and Odrama are out and Emily is upset. She thinks that she and the other roomies should come before Ty having fun. She is prepared to throw down over this, which I’m pretty sure is how the whole situation started in the first place. She sees Ty outside of the house sitting on what used to be their Cuddle Bench (ahhh, memories) and informs Ty that when he gets inside they will be having a talk.

Once he gets inside the house, Emily starts pestering him as to where they will have their chat. And just when I had given up on my quest to find a couch in the house…

Ty’s having none of this lecture, so Emily follows him around the house berating him for going against his “no drinking” word. They continue their fight from earlier while Odrama tries to yell something in the background but no one listens, which is awesome. Callie confessionals that she doesn’t know if Ty’s able to agree to anything that will make Emily happy. After some more yelling, Ty confessionals that it stopped being about drinking a long time ago, and is just another fight for control. She wants to know whether Ty will drink after tonight.

Emily tries to get Pandrew on her side, but we all know that’s a lost cause. Especially when he has Moose Power on his side. She says he was okay with Ty throwing him over a balcony, but she was not. She says Ty is not the same person when he drinks, and Pandrew wants to know what he says/does. Pandrew asks if she was ever abused by a man, and she says she wasn’t. Holy shit, a Real Worlder admitting to problem he/she did NOT have to face?! Emily clearly did not go to the same RW training school as Odrama, where they learn to say yes to having faced every potential hardship. Erectile disfunction? She’s been there. Prostate cancer? She beat it.

Pandrew says something about her issues, while she says he is the one who has all of the issues but covers them up with sarcasm and moose hats. To be fair, he primarily covers them with panda hats. Pandrew correctly says she has nothing on him. I mean, obviously I find it annoying when people overshare immediately or are overdramatic, but come on Pandrew! Talk to us! Tell us about your secret pain. It’s cruel to tease us like that. Pandrew says nothing happened to Emily today, and she was just bored and looking for a fight. Emily wants to have another discussion tomorrow.

Emily tries to talk to Ty about the miscommunication of rules. He says he’s tired of fighting with her. Well, imagine how the rest of us feel, Ty. She says that he should have come to the roomies and said he felt drinking in moderation was okay. He says he felt ambused at the last meeting and he thought what he said was the only way he would get to stay in the house. She says she doesn’t want him to be the bad guy and she doesn’t want him out of the house. He looks confused to hear that and I can’t blame him, since she’s been yelling about him leaving and how much she hates him for most of the episode.

Emily heads downstaird for a cryfessional, but Pandrew decides he’s a “man” who has some sort of programmed response to comfort a crying girl. And by that he means, “a crying girl is a vulnerable girl, and I am a desperate man.”

She says she thinks Ty should be allowed to drink, she just thinks it’s easier for him not to so she doesn’t have to worry about whether or not he drinks too much. She doesn’t know why they’re so aggressive toward each other, and says it’s just their personalities. I’m sure sexual tension and/or his anger over being rejected don’t play into that at all.

Up in the Love Sacks, Mike wants to know if a solution has been reached. Both he and Emily agree that it would be ridiculous/impossible for him not to drink and that one beer is not going to make a difference.

Ty comes over to talk, and Emily says it all comes down to her not liking his aggression toward her when drunk. Ty wants to know if her aggression toward him counts. They both claim it’s self-defense. Ty thinks he can manage to drink in moderation and stop himself before he gets aggressive.

Ty says he likes her, and she says she doesn’t like him. Anger mystery solved? Although she smiles when she says it, so it’s clearly not true.

But more importantly, next week: Callie tells Cliche to get a thicker skin! Pandrew and another girl!

And even more importantly, THE CHALLENGE IS COMING BACK!