We’re Proud You Were On TV. Love, Brooke’s Parents

This is finally it. The day I’ve been dreaming of for so long. The finale of the Real World: Denver, Colorado. It’s been a wild trip since I started recapping episodes. Tyrie strung together profanity. Colie was very promiscuous. Jenn was very promiscuous. Stephen was boring. Brooke hated EVERYTHING. And now look where we are. Colie is, uh, still very promiscuous. Jenn is supposedly faithful to her boyfriend, now. Stephen is, uh, still pretty boring. Tyrie? Still good at swearing. And Brooke, well, still hates pretty much everything.

So maybe we really haven’t seen that much personal growth on the Real World. But it’s not over yet! There’s still time for change, right? RIGHT?! Please God tell me there’s time for these people to change!

The final episode starts off as exciting as ever, with the group returning home from Thailand after what must have been about 2 weeks of travel according to Brooke. The only thing of note is Davis getting on the phone with some Andy character, and we find out that they’re leaving Tuesday. Brooke LOVES Tuesday.

That night, Stephen and Jenn are out at somewhere other than Monarck. Stephen and Jenn have gotten a lot closer since arriving in Thailand, and I think they’re the only ones from the house there. Steve says something about how everyone in the world wants to be them, and everybody thinks they’re “hella happy”, but they don’t know. Wow. I cannot believe how inaccurate that statement is. There is absolutely no way I wish I was anyone on this season of the Real World. He should probably reign in the ego a little bit. You’re on the Real World, which translates to 15 minutes of fame. It’s not like you won the lottery. Anyways, he rambles on about something else nonsensical, and I stop paying attention. He does mention to us that Jenn now looks at him differently, and he may look at Jenn differently too, so they need to make sure they’re relationship stays platonic. Like that will happen. Come on, it’s Jenn we’re talking about.

You can’t tell, but I’m totally looking at you different right now.

At some other bar, it’s a guys’ night out. Alex and Davis are hanging out with some of their Denver friends, and Davis is talking to a guy named Josh. At one point, Davis feels it’s necessary to point out where he bought all of his clothes to Josh. Alex points out that he notices Davis and Josh getting a little more friendly as the night goes on, but Davis tells us that it’s just nice to make a friend. “Especially if that friend is someone who you can have sex with. Or at least fool around a little bit. Friends are nice.”

Everybody is now back at the Real World house, but, uh-oh, Josh is there too. Davis is really drunk, and just about everyone is awake, and they see Davis and Josh head upstairs. Steve is sure that Davis is about to cheat on P.J. Alex doesn’t think Davis will though, because if there’s anything Davis has shown us, it’s that he exercises flawless judgment while drinking.

Davis and Josh actually went into Colie’s room. Colie seems like she may be sober, but regardless, the conversation they’re having is awkward. Davis says he’s going to go to bed, and Josh stays behind for a little girl talk with Colie. I think she was just trying to understand the situation between these two, which was surprising, because I expected her to tell them to go for it and have sex like she basically did with Jenn when Darnell came around.

Well, at some point, that’s what happened regardless of Colie’s suggestion. While Davis and Josh were getting to know each other in the biblical sense, Colie looks in, and then the girls are gathered around outside of the room. Steve is disappointed with Davis for this decision. You hold onto that thought Stephen. At one point, and I have no idea how, a caption was shown where someone was saying that had a condom on now. Yeah Stephen, what were you saying about poor decisions? Safe sex! How’s that for a bad decision!

Bite the pillow, I’m comin’ in!

Also, it should be noted that while the two were going at it, giggety, Colie and Jenn both crept into Steve’s bed and watched. Yes. Watched.

The girls get ready for their turn.

When they’ve sufficiently watched enough gay sex, Jenn walks down and says “That was amazing.” Steve doesn’t want to sleep in his bed now, because of the gay sex, so he asks Jenn if he can sleep in her bed and she says sure. The guys go to do something heterosexual, and the girls are all discussing the finer points of man-on-man action that they’ve just witnessed. They were all acting disconcerted about it, but I’m not buying it. Nobody made them go watch the two dudes doing it; they did it voluntarily, so they can’t complain about anything.

Davis and Josh finish up, get dressed, and then Davis asks if Josh needs cab money. Actually, I’m not sure how Davis got Josh out so quickly, but he definitely did. Immediately after Josh left it looked like Davis went to call P.J., who is currently in Argentina. Steve walks into the phone room, and he asks Davis to please not call P.J. right now. Steve asks if he had sex with Josh, and Davis denies it. He says all they did was kiss. And they just happened to be naked. And things just happened to be, uh, put, into certain, uh, places. And the, uh, placement, required wearing a condom. No one ever said where the condom was placed though. Well, Steve knows what he saw, and eventually Davis can’t get through to P.J., so it’s a moot point anyways, but Davis sure seemed to either not remember having sex, or just straight up deny it, even though it was seen by no fewer than three people.

Hey, speaking of infidelity! Jenn calls Stephen over, and he crawls on top of her while she’s in bed. They start spooning, and eventually it looks like they’re making out. Brooke is awake for this too, and she’s keenly watching, but trying to be sneaky about it.

I’m so calling my mom.

At one point, whatever is going on, Jenn says, “I have a boyfriend,” and Steve says, “I know.” No offense Jenn (actually, feel free to take offense), but Steve’s relationship is a much bigger deal than yours, which already includes like three instances of infidelity, make that four, so if Steve wants to make out, don’t give him the boyfriend line. Maybe mention his girlfriend instead. Just a thought.

Steve waits for his turn. Damn, Davis is busy!

Well, it’s a new morning, so let’s who feels guilty! Steve tells us he’s confused with what he and Jenn are now, and while they’re laying in bed, not spooning any more, Stephen divulges a little more about his past. Apparently for a while he was a hustler, but I can’t really see him being any good at it. And, he’s not one now, so I think that’s more than enough proof that he did in fact suck at it. Jenn says she’s saddened that Stephen is opening up to her because she hates his life and it’s really boring. Actually, she’s sad because there’s so little time left. Downstairs, Brooke asked Steve if he fucked Jenn, and Stephen says no and he thinks of Jenn as a little sister. Question: have any of you ever spooned and/or made out with your little sister? Me either.

Now Davis and P.J. are talking on the phone, and P.J. sounds upset. Apparently he has some sort of problem with a message that was left on someone’s Myspace page. I’m not even sure what he’s talking about, but he asks if Davis will email him, and if there’s anything Davis needs to tell P.J., please include it in said email. So Davis writes P.J. the email, and it’s time for the honesty and self-loathing. Ahh, the beautiful side of cheating. We’re not really privy to what’s being written, but Davis starts it off by saying he loves P.J., so you know that’s not good. Davis explains to us that P.J. just couldn’t take it any more, so they’re now kaput.

Some of the roommates go out to a bar for a while, and pretty much immediately, Davis starts crying to Jenn about how he feels so alone. I think Davis is drunk, but I’m not positive. Anyways, he’s still crying, and Stephen says “Why don’t you go walk that off.” Great advice Steve.

But, oh, that’s not the end of it. Davis is having a serious breakdown right now. He wishes he wasn’t gay because his life would be easier, and he also says something about his mom only coming to see him so she didn’t look so bad on camera. Steve does make a good point about Davis being an adult and not needing to rely on his mother any more, but Davis was pretty much in hysterics at this point. The conversation gets a little churchy at the end, and it just really seems out of place and awkward.

These are TEARS! Big, heavy, stinging GAY tears!

It’s packing time! I’m brimming with excitement at the thought of everyone leaving! Davis calls up P.J. because he misses him, but P.J. doesn’t answer, so Davis leaves a message and in it he says he’s going to keep calling. He also tells us that he’s going to cut back on drinking. I honestly do not know why. It’s not like drinking has ever caused him problems. If anything, he should drink more so he can get better at it and not make bad decisions. That’s the logic I follow at least, and it seems to work. Well. And just to point out, didn’t Davis say the exact same thing in like the third episode?

That night, it looks like just Steve and Jenn go out, and while at the bar, they do this really weird sitting-down dance that just makes me uncomfortable to watch. Davis picks them up from the bar, and they’re being drunk and ridiculous. I can’t follow any of what is being said. From what I can understand, Steve is a scratcher, and Jenn may also be, but because they’re not single, they can’t have the wild sexy time they would in theory have together. Anyways, that night, I think Jenn was sleeping in Steve’s bed, and they made out a little bit. Then it appeared to progress. We hear Steve whisper something like “Not yet…Okay, now.” I’m not sure what they did, but it had to be wrong.

Steve’s magic boner can sense Brooke lurking in the hallway.

The next day, at like 7, Jenn gets up and calls Jared because she can’t sleep for some reason. He obviously was probably passed out with 7 hookers and pounds of coke laying around him, so he didn’t answer. Stephen wanders out to go to church, which is what he does when his life is really confusing. Suddenly he has regrets about what has happened since he’s gotten back from Thailand. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing those regrets rhyme with JENN.

Dear Lord, Thanks for Jenn’s sweet booty. Love, Steve.

Finally Davis and P.J. are talking to each other on the phone. P.J. isn’t sure how he can trust Davis again, and Davis says “I’ll prove it.” Yeah, that’s seemed to work before too. P.J. says he needs Davis to not drink. Yeah, uh, that’s probably not a good idea. I’m no relationship expert, but pretty much any time you need someone to reign in their behavior because you can’t trust them, that could be a sign to just move on. I haven’t been following the Real World/Road Rules challenge, but I assume Davis is a single man. Anyways, I guess the two worked things out? I have absolutely no idea what has been happening through this entire episode. It’s like they’re just cutting out entire portions that seem to be pertinent to people’s relationships, and I’m just dumbfounded by all of it. But maybe I’m just an idiot. Both feasible possibilities.

Well now it’s Steve’s turn to come clean with Mercii. He’s talking to her, and I think he said he had something to tell her when he gets back. Then he asked her if she was nervous, and she basically asked what she had to be nervous about. Steve didn’t want to get into it now, and I can’t believe that response actually worked. I can’t believe Mercii didn’t harass him endlessly until he gave up the goods.

Later, everyone is sitting around and drinking together, and in keeping in the theme of Real Worlders writing poems, she wrote one! She’s awash with inspiration! I’m not going to repeat the poem here, but if you know Colie, you can be sure that it was as deep and rhyming as imaginable. Actually, more so.

Rub a dub dub…

Everyone goes out to dinner at the Hyatt, overlooking Denver, and they’re all reflecting on the past 6 months. Colie is both shocked and proud she had the most sex in the house. I can’t believe she beat Jenn. That is not an honor I would wish to have Colie, but, uh, congratulations? Then Brooke goes through and labels each roommate. Tyrie was most heart-warming, Alex was most thought-provoking, Jenn was most inspiring, Davis was most enjoyable, Steve was most relatable, and Colie was most surprising. Wow, Colie, most surprising, that must be another proud honor to have. Even when Brooke explains what she means, it doesn’t come out sounding remotely positive. Everyone then asks Brooke what she is, and aside from most conceited, she said she was most evolving. Brooke has experienced more personal growth from this adventure, and all it took was her hating EVERYTHING for the first, we’ll say, 4 months.

And now it’s time to leave. Steve can’t believe it, because he’s dreamed of this day for so long, and yet now he’s not ready for it. It’s amazing what hooking up with a roommate can do for making you want to stay. Jenn and Tyrie are the first to leave, and Jenn says leaving is the worst feeling in the world. “You know, like cancer. That’s probably easier than this.” She didn’t really say it, but I have full faith that she would have if she thought of it. Well, Colie starts bawling her eyes out, Jenn is crying too, and even Brooke is crying. You would think someone died by how much Colie is crying. You’re not living together any more. Big fucking deal. Anyways, two down, five to go.

Stephen is next to go, and he’s leaving by himself. He says something about being happiest about the acceptance he found, and acceptance is a big deal to him. Then Colie and Alex leave, and both Brooke and Colie are done crying, saying they’re cried out. I really think no one cares if Colie leaves though. Colie then drops a cliche on us, and it doesn’t really matter what she said because I didn’t pay attention. On the way to the airport, Colie started talking about how she’s supposedly really good at BJ’s and she asks Alex if he wants one, but he takes a pass. Can’t blame him. Just two left now.

Want a bj?

That part about the BJ’s didn’t really happen. Or, it wasn’t shown on camera if it did. Now Brooke and Davis are talking, and Brooke is talking about how her life is now muh easier to figure out now that she’s still not paying most of her own rent, and she’s gotten stronger and more confident. Here comes the cab, but it’s just Davis leaving. Well, as she says goodbye, there goes that strength, as Brooke starts bawling again. At least it was a good run.

So Brooke is just sitting in the house by herself, and a limo pulls up for her. She arrived in a limo, and she’ll be leaving in a limo. Inside, there’s a bottle of champagne and a card. “Congratulations, we are so proud of you. Love, Mom and Dad.”

And that was the episode. Brooke is still not independent of her parents, Davis survives infidelity, as well as Stephen and Jenn possibly. Alex came out looking like the most sane in a house full of crazies (or at least in the top half), and, well, Colie doesn’t have mono anymore.

What did you think of the episode? Do you agree with Brooke’s assessment of everyone? Was there someone in the house that you hated or liked for unexplained reasons? Are you glad this season is over?

Also, don’t forget to catch the After Show with Saul, and see if your questions for Jon Murray were answered. Hopefully someone asked him about shitting in an envelope.

There are so many men I didn’t get to have sex with!