What We Learned From What We Didn’t See

The loveable oafs of Real World: San Diego returned – again – for one last hurrah this week in a lighthearted special revolving around all the footage we never saw. Mayhaps this would be the salvation of Charlie who desperately wanted camera time but wound up squeezed into only a trio of episodes? Or perchance this would be an opportunity for us to gain more insights into the mystical fishbowl we call life via the sage wisdom of Randy? Alas, it was neither. Instead, this clip show was an amusing string of drunken imbroglios that more or less felt like every other episode this season, making The Real World We Never Saw more like The Real World We’ve Sort Of Seen. So here, in no particular order, are the lessons we’ve gleaned from our seven – or eight – pals in their drunken reverie:

Jamie and Jacquese Actually Have Social Lives

Contrary to what Bunim/Murray would have us believe, the resident minorities actually went out, met people, and even hooked up. That’s right. They didn’t just sit around and giggle or comment on the assorted canoodlings of Robin, Brad, Randy, Cameran, and Frankie. Ja went as far as to court an underage “R-Kelly” style hoochie, but that wound up on the cutting room floor. Note to self: toothless wonders = copious amounts of airtime. Underage jailbait = nuthin. What gives?

Garbage Doesn’t Throw Itself Out

Apparently the roomies were so excited to run off to Greece that they forgot to actually throw their garbage out. Yes, they packed twelve bags worth, but the key to getting rid of garbage is actually taking it out of the house. Unfortunately, this simple piece of logic eluded our wonderkind and as a result, maggots and flies took over the Real World house while the cast bickered and yelled in Athens. I don’t know how to say “idiots” in Greek, but you get the gist…

Shop Vacs Do Not Shut Up Cameran

We learned that Cameran loves to prank people, especially Brad and Randy, who she’s fond of applying makeup and lip gloss to when they’re passed out. Isn’t it funny though how easy it is for one to dish it but not take it? Such is the case with Cameran. I believe it was Ja who conspired to turn on her vibrator and stick it under the mattress. The Southern Belle thought her cell phone was going off until she realized it was her masturbation tool getting busy between the Sealy Posturepedics. Princess and the Pea this was not. Nevertheless, Cameran squawked as usual; so our boys tried to stir shit up again, this time with the beloved Shop-Vac. In a bold move, the guys actually placed the suction tube on Cammy’s face, but unfortunately, she was not swallowed into oblivion. Instead, the super vacuum only managed to bring fresh whining to the surface. I suppose the only way to shut Cameran up is to simply berate her in Greece and force her to stand in a corner facing the wall.

Hairdryers and Rabbits Do Not Mix

We all like bunnies. They’re puffy, cute, and simply lovable. So when Robin encountered a helpless fluff of a rabbit in the Real World mansion, what was she to do? She consulted with her breasts and opted to welcome it into her growing menagerie of rodents and bail bonds. Robin is a caring soul; so she decided to nurse the poor bunny back to health, and by nurse, I mean submit the creature to an onslaught of chemicals and intense heat. Let me back up a little. Someone had brought the rabbit into the house to feed one of the many reptiles squirming around the Real World estate. Wanting to spare all errant rodents a horrifying and grizzly demise, Robin rescued the leporine creature from its death row sentence and tried to fix its split ends too. She submitted the poor animal to a casual shampooing which included a gentle scrubbing with Herbal Essences or Pantine or something like that. Somewhere between the toxic chemicals and the blasting heat from the blow dryer (seriously Robin, what were you thinking?), this bunny expired. Robin tried to give it a brave burial at sea, but instead the rabbit just floated around the dock awkwardly. It was sort of like Bunim/Murray’s take on “The Tell-Tale Heart”. Which brings me to the next lesson…

Rodents In General and the Real World House Do Not Mix Either

Not only did Robin bring an early death to an unsuspecting rabbit, but her pet mouse came to a quick demise also. We all remember the white mouse because Bunim/Murray unsuccessfully tried to make it a metaphorical symbol in the epic battle between Robin and Frankie. Turns out that the little guy would have been better off in the snake’s belly. At least that way he would have done some good for the food chain. Instead, Robin & Co. gave the rodent a disturbing sendoff in the Pacific Ocean by placing his corpse in a carved out Aquafina bottle, lighting it on fire, and then pushing it off to sea. I suppose this was better than the lame rabbit ceremony, but this floating funeral pyre somehow lacked the gravitas that I want from a Bunim/Murray production.

Charlie Is Not The Next Kevin Federline

Charlie really got the short end of the stick this season. We really didn’t see much of him during his brief tenure, and this clip show only served to embarrass him even more. Turns out that he thought his Real World posterity would grant him a private meeting with Ms. Britney Spears. Yeah, not so much. Cheer up, Charlie. At least you’ll meet Trishelle and Veronica in the Real World/Road Rules Challenges.

Randy Has Office Hours

Remember that insane argument during the trip to Greece? No, not the one about the room key. The other one. The one where Frankie said Randy is drunk all the time. Yeah, that one. Well, turns out there was a little more to that tête-à-tête than previously realized. After Frankie complained that she could never approach Big Rand, our Bostonian friend noted that he’s not drunk all the time. In fact, he’s only drunk usually four night a week and furthermore, before nine o’clock, he’s often sober. So take note, people. If you have anything significant or emotionally hefty to tell Randy, he’s available to you Monday through Wednesday, from 11 AM to 9 PM. After nine, he can make no guarantees except that he’ll have a big goofy grin on his face.

Brad Crumbles Like Hans Moleman When Punched In The Nuts

Little known fact: when you punch a guy in the nuts, he’ll usually topple over. It’s such an easy Achilles heel that most people would consider any blows in that general area to be “fighting dirty”. Luckily, Cameran never saw a crotch she couldn’t bash, so we were treated to many, many images of the Southern twit clocking a swift punch or two to Brad’s poor, defenseless balls. She claimed this was her way of flirting, which really made me fear her methods of foreplay. Still, even I couldn’t help but cackle when she slammed a wooden salad spoon into Brad’s unsuspecting groin regions. What can I say? Getting hit in the nuts is always funny.

Cameran Continues To Be Annoying

Most cast members relish the clip show because it portrays them in a more well-rounded light. Jamie and Jacquese, previously the stay-at-home loners, now seem normal and just as horny as everyone else in the Bunim/Murray pantheon. But while the extra footage endeared us to some of our overlooked pals, it only further proved that Cameran is a loud, annoying, and grating person. I think if I had to live with her for six months, I would have tied her to a radiator in the basement and stuffed a sock in her mouth. Man, she does not shut up. Oh, but who am I kidding? While her mouth did runneth over with inconsequential babble, she was capable of articulating several amusing comments. And for that, I cannot be happier.

Oh San Diego roomies, what will I do without you?