Real World: “You are so much drama!”

Hello, all! I know, I know, you thought I forgot about you, right? Never. I intend to see this season through to the bitter end.

Anyone else come down with a lethal case of Olympic fever? I don’t know how it happens, but for 2 weeks every other year Bob Costas becomes my lifeline and all I can do is let it happen as I inevitably get sucked into spending most of my waking hours watching people hurl themselves down walls of ice and other similarly ridiculous antics. But enough about these ambitious, hard-working, successful people. It’s time to talk about The Real World!

Previously on the Real World: Mike is still trying on to his last shred of hope that maybe, somewhere deep down, he still kind of likes girls. No one loves Odrama, and she just doesn’t understand! Why are these seven people she met two months ago not a sufficient surrogate family?

We get a patriotic version of “The Ants Go Marching” as… well… ants go marching (not one by one, but in a veritable clusterfuck of yuck) around the roomies dirty dishes and general filth.

Cliche is grossed out… and apparently allergic to ants? I didn’t even know that was possible. They’re not even red ants, so they can’t sting her. Either way, she gets the vacuum but Pandrew goes all “Terminator” on them with his Finger of Death. Apparently he is an “artist” and therefore must live in filth. Well, if you’re going to fulfill that cliche, shouldn’t you at least be a recluse too?

Mike is getting ready for his first date with Eric, the guy he brought home last episode. Apparently it’s his first first date in a long time, so he doesn’t know what to expect. Well, I’m pretty sure that’s the way it goes with first dates.

Oh man, all of the girls in the house already love Eric. Not that I blame them, he’s hot and seems like a great guy. Based on what little we’ve seen, at least. Mike introduces Emily as “Ashley” and she’s like WTF? I’ll chalk it up to Mike being nervous.

On their date, they discuss the fact that Eric came out at the age of 19 (I don’t think we know how old he is) and he’s very happy. Mike is hoping to learn from his experience. He doesn’t specify if that’s in the bedroom or in general, but I’m guessing both.

Back at the house, the girls discuss their suspicion that Mike is more gay than bi. Emily brings up her time with a girl. I keep forgetting about that. She says she’s a little attracted to girls, but I have a feeling her foray into lesbianism was just typical experimentation after a sheltered childhood. (She was in a CULT, remember?!)

Cliche, Odrama, and Callie are going out to eat, and they’re having trouble figuring out where they’re going. Odrama and Cliche discuss it while Callie wisely stays out of it. Seriously, I would not follow that girl anywhere.

Now we have to hear about Cliche’s Painful Backstory. Apparently, she suffered from depression, and there was an Incident. Odrama asks if it was about getting attention (way to keep it in terms you can understand, dear), but Cliche clarifies that it was about getting someone to listen to her. Thanks for the distinction?

Apparently, in college, she got dumped, couldn’t handle it to the point of hyperventilation, thought her life was over, and called her parents to tell them she was going to crash her car. Well, there’s your sign that it was a cry for attention. Apparently the worry and fear in her parents’ voices stopped her because she couldn’t do that to them. Seriously, if I ever had a kid, I’d be PISSED if he/she pulled that shit.

Also, they totally used the same reaction shot from Callie like 3 times. I think. Anyway, her parents took her to the hospital and she got help, etc. She confessionals that it’s scary for her to open up to people about where she’s been. That must be why it took us until Episode 7 to get to her Painful Back Story, as opposed to the several roomies who aired it all out weeks ago. Whatever, I’m still waiting for Pandrew’s Deep Dark Secret.

Anyway, now that they know they’ve both been diagnosed with depression, Odrama feels closer to Erika. Oh, shit. Watch out Erika. You’re only minutes away from letting her down. However, Erika goes on to express her gratitude to her parents for getting her through the tough times.

Cliche’s planning her future as a motivational speaker. She does not mention living IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER. She’s certainly good at dispensing the cliches though, so she’ll probably end up achieving this goal. Odrama’s not ready to talk about it yet, though, so I guess Cliche is further along in her progress. Cliche says “No life is not worth living” and I’m too tired to figure out if that’s the right number of negatives but it just sounds oddly phrased.

She brings up her parents again and Odrama runs off to cry in the corner because no one loves her. She cryfessionals some more about not having family support.

Nighttime. Odrama is ready to go, it’s 8:30, and she declares they’re leaving in 30 minutes. Seriously? Who goes out at 9 PM? No wonder the nights after they get home are always epic. They probably get home at 11 and don’t go to bed until like 4. Anyway, Erika’s about 10 minutes away from being ready, but Odrama’s ready to go, so she and several roomies head out. Callie stays back and, as a reward, gets to listen to Erika bitch about Odrama’s need to create drama at all times. Yeah, join the club.

Now Pandrew’s claiming that the flies in the house are not due to the mess, and the solution is to kill the flies, not clean the mess. Whatever, dude. Also, snooze. Wake me when someone snots all in someone else’s peanut butter jar (not a euphemism). Ahh, the good old days.

Odrama is asking Mike and Cliche if they’ll go on a Duck Tour with her. Mike’s up for it, but Cliche would rather go shopping. Odrama is appalled that she doesn’t want to be a tourist in her own city, and Cliche is sad that no one ever wants to do what she wants to do. Well, where’s Josh? I’m sure he’d be happy to Emo all over town with you.

Hey, Ty! I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks! Although I’m pretty sure you were being annoying last time I saw you, so I guess I’m ok with that. Anyway, Ty thinks the duck tour would be more fun if the roomies all did it together. The only dissenter is Cliche, but somehow it turns into a shopping excursion even though she’s the only one we see mention shopping. Wow, it’s like when the whole family has to do what the youngest child wants to do to prevent a temper tantrum.

Odrama pouts and says that she’s wanted to go on the duck tour since they got there, and this is the first time she’s been able to go with other people. Seriously?! What the hell have they all been doing every day since they got there? I’m pretty sure it’s been a couple of months at this point, and aside from Mike’s internship and Callie taking pictures like twice, I haven’t seen any of them do anything. Whatever. A couple of other roomies decide they want to shop, and shopping it is. Cliche’s pleased, for the moment.

While they’re out and about in town, some roomies decide they’re hungry and want to stop at a restaurant. Cliche is cranky because in case you haven’t heard, she wants to SHOP, DAMMIT! They tell her she can go shop, but she says she doesn’t want to look like the bitch. They sincerely tell her that no one will take offense if she decides to go shopping, but she decides they deserve to be as miserable as she apparently is. She sits down at the table with them and pouts and whines about how “her day” is not turning out the way she envisioned. I guess she expected a parade or something?

Okay, I have to take one quick second to give Odrama a shred of credit. She’s annoying almost all of the time, but today her plans got shoved aside and after a quick pout, she went along with it and seems to be taking it in stride. I’m not saying it’s some amazing feat for your average person, but it’s more than I expected from her. Don’t worry, I still don’t like her or anything. I just felt the need to say that.

Anyway, Cliche’s still whining but I can’t listen to her anymore because all I can think about is all of the BAMFs I could be watching on the Olympics instead of listening to this ridiculous whiny bullshit. Trust me, you didn’t miss anything your little sister hasn’t pulled before.

Anyway, Mike decides to “take one for the team” and take her shopping to shut her up. She continues to bitch at poor Mike until we mercifully get a commercial break. Oh, and Odrama and Cliche do not approve of each other as friends? Something like that.

When we return, the roomies are dressing up for what I’m sure will be a LEGENDARY laser tag battle.

Odrama’s on the phone with her friend (wait, she has a friend?! I thought she had no one!) telling him about said laser tag battle. Mike confessionals that he, Cliche, Emily, and Callie make up the Terrible Pterodactyls, while Ty, Pandrew, Josh, and Odrama make up Quadruple Penetration 400. He gets a little giddy at the mention of penetration.

Anyway, Cliche has to kick Odrama off the phone to call cabs, and it turns into a fight. They both call each other annoying, and I’d have to call it a draw at this point. As they prepare to wage battle on the laser tag… field? court?… they’re both out for blood.

We get a very brief laser tag montage, and Emily says it’s AWESOME! Duh, Emily. Oh yeah, I keep forgetting she apparently didn’t have a childhood. For those keeping score, the Terrible Pterodactyls apparently won.

Back at the house (with the roomies still decked out in their all-black laser tag getups), Cliche is cleaning and loudly bitching about her messy roomies. Apparently the worst offenders are Josh, Pandrew, and Odrama.

Cliche’s passive aggressively bitching about everything, which of course leads to a fight with Odrama. Cliche tells her “You are so much drama.” (Opening credit mystery solved!) Coming from anyone else, that would be the Understatement of the Season, but after the way she’s been acting, it’s merely a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

Odrama calls Cliche a “spoiled brat” which inexplicably elicits a shocked reaction from Emily. It turns into all three of the other girls ganging up on Odrama. Seriously? “Spoiled brat” is cause for this reaction? This really is a sensitive bunch. I can’t wait to see them on the challenges (hey, I’ll actually know who new people are on the challenges for once!) Wah, wah, Odrama’s mean! I’m so over this ridiculous bullshit.

Damn, even Mike thinks Odrama was horribly wrong to call Cliche spoiled. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Cliche kind of did act like a spoiled brat during “her day” and also, “spoiled brat” is hardly the most offensive thing that has ever happened on the Real World, so this is all a complete overreaction anyway.

Odrama goes to get Cliche so they can have a chat. Allegedly it’s an apology, but it’s really just an excuse for her to bring up her loneliness yet again. She sad that Cliche and Callie are BFFs and she’s, as always, all alone. Probably because she’s picked a fight with no less than 4 roommates at this point and will, I’m sure, fight with the other 3 any minute now. Cliche’s not really having it, because apparently, she should be the one crying instead of Odrama. Basically, they still don’t like each other.

Now, back to Mike’s sexuality. I guess all of you who were theorizing that he’s using “bisexuality” as an excuse to be a man-whore were right, because he doesn’t understand why Eric would be mad about him making out with a girl, even though he’d be mad if Eric made out with another guy.

Out at the bar, Eric tells Cliche that he can’t tell if Mike likes girls or just wants attention, and she shares her theory that he does not like girls. Eric tells Mike he’s frustrated by the fact that Mike is constantly seeking attention elsewhere, and Mike doesn’t understand the big deal. He says he’s just trying to come to terms with his sexuality and be comfortable with himself.

And now, Cliche puts on her Motivational Speaking Hat to counsel Mike in the ways of love. Apparently Eric is too emotionally attached for Mike’s liking, which seems to be a pattern with Mike. Cliche suggests that Mike ask Eric to maintain a friendship. He says Eric is getting too involved, too soon. Apparently the same thing happened with Cliche and Mr. Cliche. Then they were friends for awhile, then they ended up together. She spouts off one of her theories, that Eric is meant to be Mike’s friend and guide him through his transition from “bisexuality” to being a full on homo. Awww, like his own personal Fairy Godfather.

Mike is astounded by her wisdom and tells her she should have a talk show. Oh, PLEASE don’t give her any more ideas, Mike.

Mike and Eric are having a heart-to-heart. Eric is worried about when Mike goes back to Colorado and his “two lives.” Mike thinks it’s unfair for Eric to throw that in his face. They discuss how Eric has had more time to adjust to things that Mike is still dealing with, and that Eric doesn’t want to be a lesson. Quite frankly, it’s far too much of a mature, adult conversation to have any place on this show. Eric resigns to the fact that it’s not going to be anything serious and they both just look super sad. Eric gets his bike and leaves. Damn, he’s green and exercises? Mike is crazy to let this one go.

Mike tells Callie and Odrama what happened and they explain to him that he’s an idiot (my words, not theirs). They tell him that Eric’s a good guy, he tells them about Eric not understanding about how some of his friends back home don’t know. Odrama kind of makes sense for the second time tonight (I know, it’s killing me too) by telling Mike that Eric’s insecure because he likes Mike but Mike threatens to hook up with girls.

Eric and Mike have a phone conversation to straighten things out (again). Eric apologizes for throwing Mike’s still-in-transition lifestyle in his face, and they decide to go back to “hanging out,” whatever that means.

A bunch of them are out, discussing relationships. Cliche talks about how she always chose the wrong guys, either consciously or subconsciously, until she was ready to settle down with Ian. Odrama decides she’s heard this story enough and mocks her. Cliche gets all sad panda.

They fight about being hypocrites and dishing it out but not being able to take it, but my favorite part is that Callie is totally ignoring them and laughing and having a grand old time. You go, Callie!

And now, Cliche has decided that she is going home. Well, it’s certainly a less drastic cry for attention than threatening to crash her car. But seriously, don’t get my hopes up. We all know you’re going to stay. Emily tells her to stay and learn from the experience and not go running home to her boyfriend. Cliche says she needs to go home for her own sake. Odrama tells her that if she honestly doesn’t think she will learn from the experience, she should go home, but if she can learn from it she should stay. Emily asks her if she feels like everyone in the house is there for her, and she says no because Odrama just told her to go home. Odrama calls her out and tells her that’s not what was said, and for the THIRD time this episode, she’s right. Damn it Cliche, stop making me agree with Odrama.

They tell each other they’re done with each other’s bullshit. Um, can I be done with this bullshit? Please? Odrama says Cliche should do what she wants and Odrama’s not going to baby her. Cliche walks away crying, Odrama stalks away angry.

Back at the house, Callie tells Cliche that she can’t go home because Callie needs her there, which is of course what she wanted to hear in the first place.

Odrama says she’s not going to fake a friendship. She wants one, and it sucks if they can’t have one. Cliche says Odrama makes it difficult to like her. Again, very true, and also the pot calling the kettle black. Odrama thinks Cliche does a lot of talking behind her back.

Cliche talks to her mom on the phone, who tells her that she shouldn’t even think about going home until she has things resolved. (Also, her mom has a total midwest accent.)

Cliche and Odrama sit down in the Meaningful Conversation Bean Bag Chairs. Cliche promises not to talk about Odrama or anyone else behind their backs. She promises to be respectful as a roomie, but she cannot promise friendship. Odrama’s all sad that Cliche doesn’t want to be her friend and is of course offended that Cliche will not be there for her during tough times. They hug it out anyway.

The previews are for the rest of the season instead of next week. It looks pretty dramatic, but we’ll see. Oh, and I’m sure you all know that Humpty Dumpty still has to have his great fall. Interesting development, though: someone says someone else THREW him over the side of the banister!