Wow. I hope everyone had their entertainment system turned down low Tuesday night because if your volume was anywhere higher than 3, chances are you blew out your speakers, what with Rachel’s ear-shattering tirade on The Real World: Austin. Yes, tempers flared and libidos swelled on this week’s episode, and after a few weeks of piddling drama, we finally returned to what Bunim/Murray Productions does best: sex and anger. And honestly, is there any better way to encapsulate the twentysomething experience?The show began at… (drum roll)… The Dizzy Rooster! Yay variety! On tonight’s episode of Life At The Cock, Wes met a lovely young woman named Wren — like the songbird, or perhaps the Waste Recycling Environmental Limited. Either/or. Anyway, Wren (no relation to those hotties Toucan and Cockatiel) inspired nothing but love from our boy Wes; although you wouldn’t know it to hear him speak. “Life at the bar is like being a hunter,” Wes explained. “I look for the best girl in the bar, and I will go after her.” Yes. Like the barrel-shaped Megan from a few weeks ago.
Nevertheless, despite being positively smitten by Wren, Wes still felt the need to talk a big game. “I’m telling you right now. I’m not a nice guy,” he insisted as he walked her back to the house. Moments later, as they stood at the doorway, he then said, “I’m going inside. If you want to come in, I’d be ecstatic.” WHAT AN ASSHOLE! He’s so not a nice guy! What sort of pussy-ass sweetheart ever politely invites a girl inside without applying that much pressure! JERK!
Amazingly, Wren took Wes up on this “not-a-nice-guy” offer, and inside they sat around the kitchen table while Johanna, Rachel, and Lacey ogled just inches away. Making this scene even more awkward was Wes — surprise, surprise — who after a good 45 minutes seemed to have discovered his soulmate in this random barfly. “Right now, you’re the kind of girl that I swear to God I could make changes in my life for,” he confessed, apparently not concerned with coming off as ca-RAY-zee (cuckoo clock sounds going off left and right). You see, it’s not that Wes wears his heart on his sleeve. It’s more like his heart IS his sleeve.
The Wren and Stumpy Show
Of course, threatened by the attractive competition sitting at the table, Johanna immediately began ragging on Wren behind her back, making silly pantomime gestures and goofy faces. One might say she was the one-woman TVgasm of the mansion. Ah, but nary an episode can go by without Johanna saying at least one dishonest comment. Let’s hear what she has to say about Wren and Wes: “She’s young, pretty, thin. Am I jealous? No. Do I feel sorry for him? Yes.” Oww! I just got stabbed by Johanna’s nose poking through the TV!
As for Wes, well, he’s never one to fail us in the self-deluded department either. Regarding Johanna: “I really don’t care that much. If she’s jealous, great. Good for her.” This coming from the man who made a bet insisting he could make Johanna jealous — NOT THAT HE CARES.
Anyway, Wes continued to dote on his freshly caught Wren. “Do you not think that it’s fate maybe that I met you so early?” he asked in a classically embarrassing moment. He continued: “I think it’s an asset that I met you so early.” As asset? Whaa? Will the capability of being able to meet Wren “earlier” somehow better Wes’s life skills? What is he talking about? Why is Wes such an idiot? God, I love this cast.
Well, Wren had the patronizingly non-commital response Wes so deserved: “Believing something like that is really good.” Ouch. Is it cold in here? Actually, what was so amusing about Wren’s comment was that she delivered it in this sweet, “I love you” tone that completely distracted Wes from her subtle put-down. Good ole Wes. Always quick on the uptake.
Later, after Wren had flown the coop, Wes decided to move his attention onto Rachel who was debating what to wear for a future bar-top extravaganza at The Dizzy Rooster. She wanted to wear a skirt, but considering she’d be up high, everyone casually reminded her that such apparel might make her seem, how do you say? Slutty. Ah, but there’s a difference between acting like a slut and being a slut, Rachel noted, still undecided as to which category she’d like to fall under. Yes, the army vet needed guidance, and that was where Wes came in. “I want to teach her to stop being so annoying,” he said proudly, later likening her to his little sister. And how, pray tell, did Wes help Rachel? Oh, he just gave her some constructive criticism: “If you were not dating Eric, you would be a slut.”
Luckily, Rachel didn’t snap back with any sort of remark. Instead she simply took the comment, internalized it, and then tucked it away into a dark place where it would never come back. Ever. Unless, of course, the word “slut” were to be used again that night. But I digress.
Later, at Austin’s soon-to-be most derided bar, The Dizzy Rooster, Melinda and Rachel hopped up on the bar counter as planned and strutted their stuff. It didn’t take long for Rachel to embrace her inner slut as she began making out with Matt, The Dizzy Rooster bouncer (not to be confused with Collin, the OTHER Dizzy Rooster bouncer Rachel tried to make out with).
Afterwards, everyone returned to the manse where we were greeted with the non sequitur of Danny screaming “OW!!! I almost caught the house on FI-YA!!!” He laughed something about the towel burning and… I don’t know. It was about a three second diversion that we never returned to. Anyway, once it became clear that the house was not, in fact, on “fi-ya,” we could return to Rachel who had now entered her customary baby-talk mode as she talked about Maaaatttt the Bouncer. Awwww. Hearts flying everywhere!
Unfortunately, Nehemiah didn’t want Rachel to hook up with Matt because if their little fling went sour, it could forever ruin The Dizzy Rooster experience. Technically, it wasn’t any of Nehemiah’s business, but then again, since Rachel was pretty much taking a straw poll on whether or not she should pursue Matt, he decided to pipe up and register a dissenting vote. This did not go over well with Rachel. The two went at it a little bit, and finally Rachel full-on exploded. “Do you want to come hit me? Do you want to come hit me?” she asked with an odd little smile at the corner of her mouth. “You better shut the f*ck up! It’s none of your f*cking business who I talk to! Oh you got me worked up. You’re happy about that. Wow. Good job! You get people worked up because you have no other substance to you! ASSHOLE! GO TO F*CKING BED! I CAN’T STAND LIVING WITH YOU!!!”
Danny to Rachel: “You ah wicked crazy!!!”
As enjoyable as it was to watch this, Rachel probably would have been more effective had she not had that tiny smile threatening to burst across her face. The suspicion that this argument might have been staged did cross my mind, but then I realized it was Rachel, and she’s pretty nuts as it is. Chances are she probably started off yelling as a joke and then began taking herself seriously halfway through. Or something like that.
Ah, but she wasn’t done yet. When we returned from the commercial break, Rachel had more shouting to do, and this time, not even the Mexican food was safe. “I’M NOT GONNA LOSE MY FAJITA OVER A F*CKING COWARD, OKAY?!?!? I’M GONNA EAT MY F*CKIN’ FAJITA!!!!” she yelled. Okay, okay. Eat your fajita. Man, I don’t even want to think about what would have happened had Nehemiah interrupted her cotton candy ice cream experience. She probably would have come at him with a chainsaw, yelling “DIE DIE DIE!!!”
Actually, what she said next wasn’t so far from that. After Nehemiah was so kind to throw gas on the fire and call Rachel a slut (real smooth, Neh), she flipped out even more, shrieking, “I hope to god he gets shot on the street one day!” At this point, the guys actually had to physically pull Rachel away to another part of the house where she eventually fell to her knees and bawled like a toddler. Eventually, Danny simply scooped her up in his arms and carried her sobbing ass to her bed where the gals all sat around her and calmed her down. “I hope he has an aneurysm in his sleep,” she seethed, causing Melinda to politely reprimand her. Hey Rachel, nice to see you really learned something from Danny’s ordeal.
Rachel just learned that cotton candy ice cream has been banned by the Postal Service.
Back in the kitchen, Nehemiah explained the real problem. “That girl is straight up emotionally f*cked up. Like before the army. The army didn’t do that to her. Her childhood did that to her. And I can laugh at it,” he stated. Awesome Neh. I’m really glad you can chuckle at making a girl cry by calling her a slut. Granted, what he said wasn’t exactly wrong, per se. Rachel does seem to have a few, uh, “issues,” but it’s not like Nehemiah was Mr. Innocent in all this either.
The next day, however, it was time to get back to the romantic part of the episode. As the guys shuffled into Chipotle, Wes gazed off into the distance, his mind filled with memories of the angelic Wren. Yes, it was a love story for the ages. Boy meets girl. Boy freaks out girl. Boy eats burrito.
Later at the house, Wes (or as Nehemiah calls him, Captain Save-A-Ho) called up his precious Wren to find out what she was up to, but alas, the clock must have struck midnight because Cinderella was certainly gone. Bitch hung up on Wes mid-sentence. Oh SNAP! I guess Wren wasn’t as much of an asset as Wes thought. So much for fate, Wessy.
But that’s okay. The night was still young, and as Wes returned to DizzRoo, memories of his would-be bride faded into an alcohol-fueled haze. Conveniently enough, Johanna was around, and she had a splendid idea: “We live together. We might as well make out together!” Sure! That’s logical enough. Let’s just hope she never spends the night in a leper colony…
Anyway, at long last, Wes and Johanna made out in the club, but I don’t know what was more shocking: the fact that they kissed at all, or that midway through, they actually left The Dizzy Rooster and went to another club. Yeah, I know. I felt a little disoriented too. Luckily, true to form, they made sure their grand smooch session took place against a bright wall for everyone to see.
Ladies and gentlemen: I present to you, Wohanna
Back at the house, Wes and Johanna were upfront about their hanky-panky, and Lacey, for one, was “floored” by the hookup. Mainly, she was just mad that she didn’t get a chance to gossip about it first. I wonder, when Johanna was kissing Wes, did Lacey feel it on her lips? You never know with those twin powers…
When Nehemiah found out about Wes’s adventures, he all but flipped out. “I lost respect for both of you guys… Johanna mainly,” he scowled. Gosh. Nehemiah doesn’t want anyone to make out with anyone. He lightened up, however, and later he and Danny pressed Wes for details. They were both shocked to find out that the whole time Wes was kissing Johanna, he was thinking about… Wren. Poor Wes. His heart has been broken like the fragile wafer that it is. Will he ever know true love again? You know, the kind you get after knowing someone for forty-five minutes?
Ultimately, Wes escaped his bros to go to the bathroom, but Danny and Nehemiah followed him to the stall, imploring that he take a piss for America. And that’s just what we wanted too! Wes urine! Yay! We then cut to streams of water pouring into the pool, in one of Bunim/Murray’s more clever visual jokes. Yes, I chuckled. Man, I can never have enough pee-pee innuendo.
The next day, Johanna explained to us that everything was cool because she and Wes have a nice, upfront and open relationship. She can hook up with whomever and same for him. Excellent! We’ll see how long that lasts. Cut to three weeks from now and Johanna telling us, “I… I think I really care for him, more than I ever realized.”
As for Rachel (yeah, remember her?), she announced that she had an appointment at the VA Hospital to see if maybe she was suffereing from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No, not from Iraq. Must I remind you how traumatic it is to receive your favorite ice cream in the mail, only to discover it’s all been MELTED??? She’ll need years of therapy to forget about that one.
Meanwhile, Danny figured that Rachel probably needed to release some stress about her military experience, and so the two of them took a nice little walk and chatted about Iraq. Rachel seemed happy to finally vent a little, and Danny implored her to share more with Nehemiah, but she said it just wasn’t worth it to her. As the episode came to a close, Rachel watched Neh toss baskets from a distance, and we were left to wonder, would this friendship ever be mended??? And more importantly, would Rachel be able to peacefully dine on fajitas ever again??? I guess we’ll just have to tune in to find out!
What did you think about this episode?