Recap: Real World: Frank the ANIMAL

HereKittyKitty did show up to work this week, but she was still so drunk that we had to lock her in B-side’s old office with bottles of Ibuprofen and Evian. Seriously, the woman is acting like a maniac. She’s been singing the “I Wear Short Shorts” commercial all morning. Alcohol is very, very bad.

Anyhoo, no more time to waste. We have a very (typical) happening episode of The Real World to get underway, so let’s do this!Previously on The Real World: Trishelle noted that Frank didn’t have a type (got a giner? Come on over!) and poor Brynn sat by the pool burping her baby and considering drowning it to go back to her life of dirty, dirty dancing. Do it! There are only two episodes left! Something exciting has to happen at some point this season!

Get rid of that thing, already!

Frank tells us that what you’re supposed to do in Vegas (when you’ve been ragged on for the past few years for being a Ken Doll crotched wuss with no game) is get as wasted as possible and make out with strangers in a bar. He tells one hook up “If I never see you again, great ass!” Then he falls down. Ouch. It hurts when good boys try to be bad. Steven’s pretty grossed out. As he explains it, the drunker you get, the more hideous your lays get.

I’ll have 19 vodka tonics, please.

Frank and Steven try to decide which uggo ho they brought home has an STD and Steven guesses it’s the one he banged. She denies it, but he basically tells her she may not have had one, but she does now. EW! That would be funny if I didn’t know in my soul that Frank has become a petri dish. I’m going to soak my privates in rubbing alcohol. BRB.

Arissa and Brynn have girl time in the bathroom. Arissa says that seeing Brynn with a baby makes her want one and Brynn snaps “WAIT!” LOL. Don’t worry. Arissa is gonna wait until she’s ready. Or until she finds someone drunk enough to fill her turkey baster. Brynn says that once you have a kid, you only hang out with people who have kids, and then that’s all you talk about and soon you don’t know how to relate to anyone else in the world. Arissa already has that problem, so maybe it is time to fertilize.

Today, the roomies get to attend the Real World 20 casting call! EXCITING!! Alton decides he hasn’t been getting enough attention this year, so he puts on this mask:

Oh, Alton. You’re such a card.

Down at the nightclub, the casting director is telling the roomies what to look for in a contestant. They have to be charismatic, and they have to have a lot of depth. Frank and I say “Yeah, right” at the exact same time. Jinx! Frank owes me a Coke! BTW, he looks like complete crap.

Looks like you caught a bad case of the uggo from your last lay.

Trishelle talks the girls into finding Frank a ho for the night. Well, she says she wants to find him a nice girl, “not a Vegas girl” or a B actress. Honey, I don’t think a nice girl’s gonna go up to the room to f**k your friend, but what do I know?

You’re hired!

The girls get to judge one group, and the boys get another. One girl likes to be in public, one’s addicted to sex, and one severely homely girl says she’s the coolest person she knows. Her friends must all look like this:

They don’t have much luck finding a girl for Frank until the very end.

Sure! I’ll blow your friend for a callback!

Brynn looks severely depressed looking at this girl. Neither the guys or the gals find anyone right for the show, but Trishelle proudly tells Frank that they found a couple girls for him to date. He thinks that makes him look like a loser. No, Frank. This does:

Trishelle’s also gonna take him to the spa to get him pretty and he asks “What could they make better?”

Seriously?

There’s a Pretty Woman montage of Frank trying on everything he can in the Playboy store, but he never gets to the after part. You can put prints, pink, silk, or leather on a cracker, but it’s still a cracker.

Alton calls George Maloof and asks him if the roomies can use the Hugh Hefner suite for the night. Pretty please!?!?! He says yes, and the only one without a smile on her face is Brynn. She tells Irulan that she just misses her husband and her baby, but you know she’s thinking “what’s the point of going to the Hef suite if I’m not gonna be able to get wasted and grind up on all the boys?” Baby in the pool, that’s all I’ll say.

Frank has a shitty attitude about date night. Trishelle has reserved him a sweet table at a restaurant where he will get to try out three different girls. One for the first course, one for the second, and one for the third. He doesn’t want to find a good girl! He just dumped one before he came back to Vegas and he’s a PARTY ANIMAL now! Don’t you people GET IT??

His first date looks like a young chicano boy dressed like he’s trying to sell his culo on Santa Monica Blvd.

Sorry, but this is a boy.

Frank’s first question is: “Did you watch me on the other season I was on?” LOL. This guy is the biggest tool in the shed, fo sho. She never watched it, and he’s glad she didn’t, because then she wouldn’t understand his transformation into the STUD that he is now. He’s pretty mortified with Trishelle when he finds out this girl’s a substitute teacher and part time gogo dancer. “What do you want me to do? Date a gogo dancer in Vegas?” It’s what a TIGER would do.

Steven would pick date #2, because she seems like the biggest alchie ho of the bunch. She’s gonna get crazy and order Frank a Yager Bomb! Oy.

Ms. Winehouse, your table is waiting.

Frank tells Trishelle that she hasn’t picked one hot girl. She tells him a hot girl in Vegas is anyone drunk enough to do Frank and brings on the next victim.

I have to say, date #3 is by far the classiest girl there, and turns out she’s Miss Alaska! Too bad Frank’s gonna be wasted from all the Yager bombs. This should be fun.

I hope for your sake they don’t have MTV in Alaska.

Wow, is it me, or does Frank look smitten?

Sorry, I meant shitfaced.

To prove to the cute girl that he’s not some wussy Midwestern cheese head, he starts throwing limes off the balcony at Steven and his other two dates. Classy. Steven returns fire and whacks Frank right in the head. Miss Alaska seems to like him, but he gives her the thumbs down. So what if she’s Miss Alaska? There’s like two chicks in the whole state. Good point. I almost feel sorry for the girl, but then relief washes over me. Miss Alaska won’t be getting herpes tonight.

Trishelle and Steven do the letting the girls down part for him. Frank said he was stud, not a man. They tell the girls that Frank’s too drunk and needs to go to bed. The alchie chick is pissed and shouts “Liar! Who does that?” Guys with NO RESPECT FOR YOUR SLUTTY DRUNK ASS. GO HOME.

All the roomies go up to the Hef suite, and it is PHAT. Brynn is obsessed with the pool that overlooks Vegas (woops! I dropped my baby!) and Trishelle feels honored just to be in the room. She got naked for Hef and the only way to she got into that suite was through Alton’s smile. Aww! Take it on the waddle, hon.

Before you know it, the suite is filled with Spring Break extras. None of them are ugly enough for Frank to have sex with or drop dead gorgeous enough to date, so they clear the suite and leave. I mean, have you seen the girls Frank dates? They’re beautiful! UGH.

Everyone decides that Brynn and Austin should take the suite for a romantic getaway, and they say “Go make another baby!” Brynn slurs “That’s the last thing I need” and Austin says “Don’t even talk like that!” That’s one lucky kid you guys got there. Trishelle is glad that she was able to hook Brynn up with the pad, because she probably doesn’t get any anymore. “Actually, she told me she doesn’t.”

OUCH.

Next week, Alton calls Steven a dirty Jew, and Al Sharpton is nowhere to be found.

Hey, Austin. We should bring the baby up here!