Randomgasm: 16 and Pregnant: Baby-battered shrimps

***Another week, another random ass show we don’t cover. This one? Is a doozie. Please welcome Monamonzano with 16 and Pregnant!

I am so, so sorry.

This week on “Make me a teenage mother,” aka, “16 and Pregnant,” the season finale is all about giving away babies so they don’t grow up as Midwestern trash. Carolynn is going to give up her baby that she had with her boyfriend, and her redneck mom is less than supportive. Still, everyone loves God, so they decide they want to give the little squealer to a bunch of Christ-people. Or do they?!? Find out!

Hey cocksuckers- welcome to my one time recap of a show that is decidedly NOT about cocksucking, but hardcore fuckery. And teenage fuckery! As if the fuck factory wasn’t chock-full of the stink of adult sex…Now, I’m a HUGE fan of sixteen and pregnant, and not because MTV’s trying to tell all the tweens that sex is cool through lame-ass music videos, and then that it isn’t cool through it’s high-quality programming (though I do like double entendres). No, I like it because it makes me feel GOOD about MYSELF. I’m not pregnant, living in my grandmother’s basement in Tallahassee Florida with little more than a driver’s permit and a tupperware full of beanie babies. Though I do live in a basement (my Uncle’s, but that’s not the point) I’m totally better off than these bitches delicately heralding new, underpriveleged life into their world, and then twittering about it. Sixteen and Pregnant makes me feel like a superhero just because I didn’t get knocked up in the bathroom of my local Johnny Rockets. It makes me feel better than….having sex with a pile of men or wrestling tigers.

You’re welcome, vagina.

Shall we?

In the season finale, we meet Catelynn, the local down-syndrome cartoon character from Algonac, Michigan.

I like to talk on the phone.

It’s a nice departure from all the inbred southern preteens that they seem to showcase on the show (sorry, Flipit, making fun of southerners is like my third favorite hobby, first being curing cancer in models and then having sex with the grateful models who owe me). Oh but wait, we will see some midwestern trash-acting in this one.

Lovely Catelynn prefaces the pregnancy reveal with the fact that a. Algonac is right by Canada, and b., that there’s nothing to do in Algonac but FUCK.

…unless you like Ice Fishing in Zoobas.

Catelynn’s been with her boyfriend since seventh grade, which makes them going steady for…at most, three years. And judging from his looks, that’s about 1/3 of his life span.

Did somebody say Zoobas?

Anyhoo, these two love birds are even more fucked in the head because Tylers Dad, Butch, got married to Catelynn’s mom. So technically, they’re step siblings…with a baby on the way.

I am so, so sorry.

Here’s Catelynn and her mom. They look pretty torn up.

A Drew Barrymore Movie waiting to happen

And here’s Tyler’s Dad, BUTCH.

Prison Pen Pal, anyone?

February- 16 Weeks Prego

The kids talk about how difficult and/or upsetting it is to be pregnant.

Just Sayin.’

Catelynn got pregnant initially because Tyler used a condom that he had gotten from the DRYER. Ah, those washer/dryer condoms never work, though I found a five dollar bill in the dryer once that did. Not for money, but for birth control.

A Condom, presumably unwashed.

Seriously, though, this Tyler should get a PH.D. or a nobel peace prize in fuckery. Seriously, is he one of those dudes who finds chapstick in the wash and smears it on, cause, you know, it’s “clean.” These people give the midwest a bad name!

They want to give the baby up for adoption, which seems like the first not insane thing that has happened on this show.

Later, at the adoption lady, the kiddies are apprehensive about giving their kiddie away.

God is watching.

Adoption lady says that sometimes the most loving thing is to let “something” go. This woman speaks in tongues. Does “something” mean that Miata that I accidentally tried to drive through a plate glass window? Maybe.

Two weeks later, Catelynn still sorta looks like she has downs syndrome.

Another popsicle?

Here, take this.

Catelynn’s wenchy little friends want to hold the baby after it comes out of her “****”. Yes, babies come out of expletives. At Tylers house (which, I think, is also Catelynn’s house) the kiddie couple look through “family books” which are basically just super-purdy photos of parents who can’t have kids and want their little baby. One of the families has a picture of the woman water skiing.

Goddamnit! No baby of mine is going to some waterski-skank!

The couple is going through the criteria that they want their adopting family to have, and let me tell you, folks- very classy. The mom? Stay at home. The dad? Sorta educated. Also, they should have working plumbing. Oh, wishes….

So they selected a nice WASP-y family, and the deed is done.

OR IS IT?

Uh oh, Butch is pissed. He wants the baby to be with its own kind.

All rednecky n’ shit.

Then they argue about love, and redneck things like jail and chaw. Wow.

The next day, they meet with Adoption baby looking super rednecky, just as butch foresaw.

We just mowed down some chili cheese dawgs on the way over

They tell adoption lady that they had a feeling about the mom (a housewife) and the dad (a provider). Aka, the mom (not a crackhead) and the dad (not prone to bouts in jail and cascading grey hair). Nice work, kids. This adoption will serve as a beacon of middle-class hope in your less than comparable lives.

March- 31 Weeks Prego

Catelynn’s mom is being white trash as usual, trying to get Catelynn to change her mind. Man, what mom wants their sixteen year old kid to keep a baby they have with their pre-pubescent boyfriend by leaving baby stuff around? Sick shit. Call me when butch goes back to prison, Catelynn’s mom, will ya?

At a trashy diner, Catelynn’s mom comes out with it: she thinks her sixteen year old daughter would make a swell mom.

Catelynn’s award winning mom treats Catelynn to a very special surprise: a Sonogram!

In a van!

We find out the baby is a girl.

Jelly belly

And lots of gross sonogrammy stuff. Sick. It’s like a little like Picasso meets a piece of chewed bubblegum.

But what does it taste like?

Oh, and here’s the cameraman being artistic.

I want to thank the academy?

Then, they’re a day away from meeting the potential, non-inbred parents of the kiddies unborn child. Catelynn’s mom, acting like a redneck child, is all pissy about the fact that her sixteen year old wants her kid to have not-teenage parents. Ridiculous.

Just some more birth control.

So the adoption family is super christ-y, when they meet the kiddies. Hey, rednecks like jesus and shit, right?

but not water-skiiing or modern medicine

And then Catelynn starts to cry because she’s sad that she was raised white trash. Which is actually sort of heartfelt. Erg. Emotion makes me awkward, so I shut down my computer, got some taquitos, and started the computer back up again. All better!

So, the adoption has become an official match. Snatch match! Call somebody! Let’s celebrate at Denny’s with my white trash mom. Oh wait, white trash mom is pissed, as usual. Just give her some wonderbread and some american cheese and she’ll be okay, Catelynn.

As the due date comes and goes, Carolynn waits for induced labor. In the meantime, the teenagers write VERY teenage letters to their unborn daughter, Carolyn (Carly for short. Thanks, Christian parents!). Tyler breaks down and cries, and it is awkward again, so I drink a bunch of redbull and punch my cat a little. Okay, a lot.

the next day at 5 am, the kiddies go to get induced labor. Gross. The doctor breaks poor Catelynn’s water, which is probably made up solely of big gulp sprite and dorito dust.

Something in here smells like cool ranch…

Two and a half hours into labor, Catelynn feels the strain.

This is whack!

The whole family’s a watchin’ as the dialatin’ gets goin.’

Something in here smells like cool ranch…

Man, but really, poor Catelynn. All this pushing and no snacks or baby at the end.

Pregnancy = loss of dignity

And as the couple whisper sweet nothings and “we can do this” to one another…..I get another nauseating hint of emotion in my body. Or, I might just be turned on by eutero fluid.

A fresh baby

And so we don’t forget….

A condom.

The adoptive parents are praising jesus and waiting for that goddamn baby! In another room, Carolynn and her seemingly pregant friends toss the baby ’round a lil bit before it’s time to say goodbye.

The towel serves as a catcher’s mitt!

After five hours of baby play, Catelynn finally hands that baby off to people much more suited to be parents. Also, there are charm bracelets involved! Where do I sign up???

Anyhow, then there is paperwork that needs to be done, but the trashy ass mom won’t sign the papers (because Catelynn is sixteen) and the mom is a serious bitch-skank. So they have to hand the baby off on non-hospital grounds. Classy. Then, more crying.

Wow, this episode was way more depressing than the other ones. Serves me right, watching and writing, without an amusing, semi-inebriated pre-screening. Sorry for the shortness, too. Until next time, peeps!