DietTribe: The Cupcake and Margarita Diet

Did you know that when you’re trying to lose weight, it’s best to lose 10 lbs really quickly, and then make some excuses for your lost motivation while you guzzle booze and eat pizza? No, you hadn’t heard that? That’s because it’s NOT TRUE. Try telling that to these chumps. This week on DietTribe, we watch the five fat friends fall down–literally (at Camp Pendleton) and metaphorically (can you say cupcakes, pizza, and margaritas?). Can Jessie keep them motivated, and will Therapist Stacy use pop psychology and talk about emotions? Maybe, and you bet!

Follow me!First off, I still haven’t figured out this wacky word play with “DietTribe”. Diatribe = in archaic Greek/Latin, it means “to wear away”. Hey, that almost fits! But somehow, I doubt the brain trusts at Lifetime thought it through that far. I think I need to settle down and cope with the fact that it just means “tribe”, a band of people, on a “diet”, trying to lose weight. DietTribe. Nothing more complicated than that. *sigh*

Also, apologies to two of our little buddies–your humble recapper fucked up your names last week. It’s not my fault, though. Jessie? That’s how a GIRL spells it. Also, they spell it “Lanessa” and they say it “Laneesa”. I write Laneesa. Deal with it.

Phew, now that the paperwork’s all finished, let’s get to recapping!

We start this week at the gym, where Jessie’s putting the mares through their paces. They’re doing some step-ups, lateral shoulder raises, squats…the basic Body Pump/Total Body Conditioning/Club Strength/etc. class that every gym’s got.

In a way that really should seem scripted but actually comes across quite naturally, Sideshow Tiffany asks Jessie about the ol’ “muscle weighs more than fat” and “I don’t want to get bulky” myths. Jessie busts the myths quite handily–they’re doing low weights, high repetitions, muscle burns more calories at rest, yadda yadda. Again, it’s the same stuff you read online and in magazines all the time, but it’s nice to see it in context.

Gigantic Laneesa’s struggling with these step-ups, and she reveals that she has a pin in her hip. Ouch. Jessie is appropriately concerned and seems to strike a good balance between being sympathetic and yet encouraging her to push past it. It’s all a mindgame, and if you tell yourself that you can’t do it, then you can’t. That’s a bastardization of the ol’ Henry Ford quote I love so much.

Also, Jessie’s hair is a mess in these interviews here–it’s almost like when Seinfeld got his hair cut at the new barber.

A little sidebar here from Jessie about how much more important diet will become to this weight loss journey (ah, popped the cherry for this week!). I can vouch for this–you can work your ass off in the gym, but if you’re shoveling sugar and fat into your pie-hole, you aren’t going to lose the weight. In fact, I would bet money on the fact that these women could stop going to the gym TODAY and still meet their weight loss goals, if they’d just stick to the diet 100%. However, a lot of us know that sticking to a diet 100% of the time SUCKS and is hard, so…the workouts balance out that percentage of “oops” we have per week. It’s called “life”. Anyhoo.

One of the biggest things Jessie talks about here is alcohol. No drinking, bitches! Alcohol dehydrates you, it slows your metabolism, and it’s high in sugar, which gets metabolized as fat. Big no-no in weight loss mode. I sense some foreshadowing…

Now we get to see a little more of what these women do every day. Frumpy Mary is a stay at home mom. Bland Rita and Laneesa work together at a costume shop. (Huh??! It’s Hollywood–I guess it’s in business year round, but to my East coast ass, this seems weird.) Tiffany has two jobs and shuttles the kids to sports…pretty much the same with Clowny Steph. I can already see it coming: “We’re too busy to eat right!”

Ah, Lifetime, can I get a job with you? Cuz that’s right where we’re heading. Next thing you know, the ladies are holding summit at Mary’s house so Jessie can show them how to eat better in a hurry. He’s wearing a plaid flannel shirt that either reminds me of Seattle, circa 1991 or, with a belt, could totally be LC on THe Hills last season. So weird how those trends work.

Anyway, after giving the women hell for eating so many frozen meals (those preservatives CANNOT be good for you), he whips up quick and easy breakfasts and lunches. Even I learn something new–mixing tuna, mustard, and apples together to fill up a wrap. It’s a strange combination that I’ll be trying TOMORROW. (Silly me, sticking with mayo as a tuna binding agent all this time.)

BTW, Jessie has his own website, apparently launched to capitalize on his appearance on this show. It’s hysterical. I’m not sure who’s responsible for the content, but it’s so barebones and full of BS, I laughed out loud. “Today’s Challenge: Write a generic mantra and then ask the reader to do something vague!” (Today’s actual challenge? “Watch Diettribe on Lifetime at 9pm PC and find something that can help you change your life then use it.” Jessie? My challenge to you for the day is to learn how to use punctuation to break up a long sentence.) Oh, it’s a hoot. Also, his MySpace page says he “believes in God and Quantum Physics”. How precious.

Um, how lame am I? I just became a fan of his on Facebook. So lame. Oh good, I just checked, and those vague challenges and mantras are going to show up on my news feed all day long. Swell.

Where were we? Oh yeah, “I’m too busy to eat right.” Jesse packs the funky tuna wrap for Tiffany’s lunch and she’s off to work. (She later webcams that the wrap actually tasted pretty good.) The remaining four women prep dinner for each other, as well as packing up some snacks and other lunches. Guess what dinner was? Think “diet food.” Did you guess “chicken, brown rice, and broccoli”? Congratulations–you get a date with Jessie! My question is, how many of these salads and whatever are they prepping for lunches, because that stuff won’t keep. There’s only so much planning ahead you can do when you’re dealing with raw veggies.

Mary’s birthday is coming up, so the women meet at the costume shop to pick out outfits for the party. It’s a TV-friendly occasion, with clowny women trying on clowny costumes and having fun. (I actually am starting to like these women, despite my snark.)

Laneesa’s having a hard time–even though they’re overweight, the others can fit into XL off-the-rack stuff, but Laneesa’s just too big. She keeps trying stuff on but not coming out of the dressing room. Finally, she emerges in a Medusa outfit that’s quite becoming on her.

Tiffany, meanwhile, came out in some copacabana outfit, clutching at her doughy midriff. This, somehow, settles it for Mary–they’re doing a Mardi Gras theme for her party. Fat Tuesday, great hook for a party for women on a diet TV show.

Next, the women get their heads shrunk with Therapist Stacy. Just kidding! They just talk about “What feels successful”. Mary reveals how tired she is with the different struggles of being a stay at home mom. (Her roots are also tired.) She says this exhaustion is why she drinks and eats. (Her roots are why I drink. Can’t wait for the makeover show!) Next up is Rita, who mourns for the friends’ previous life at Tiffany’s house, boozing and eating all night long. The tone’s relatively light.

Well, hey, Laneesa decides that we all need to really feel shitty for a while. She answers Stacy’s “what feels successful” question by saying that she’ll feel successful when she feels like she doesn’t need to pretend anymore, that she doesn’t need to be fake to be liked. She often feels rejected for her weight. Tears.

That prompts the Leno sisters to kick in about Steph’s divorce. Stephanie wants to move on. Tiffany chimes in that, since they all live(d) together, Steph’s divorce was almost like a divorce for her. She babbles some shit that’s moderately codependent about her being happy if Steph is happy, or something, and Therapist Stacy is all sneery about it. It’s not productive for their weight loss journey!

Stacy’s had enough of this, and she ends their session by telling them the answer she wanted to hear in the first place: Success means putting themselves first. They even raise their right hands to pledge (or “commit”, in this show’s words) to do this. I barf a little on my living room floor. Lifetime! Emotions!

Yay, it’s the segment I’ve been waiting for! Camp Pendleton obstacle course! The women show up after their shift at Target, ready to rock the course in khakis and a red shirt. Jessie, looking uh-MAY-zing in aviators, explains that the Marines credo is all about discipline and teamwork, “both of which you need to complete this diet program”. Ah, the metaphorical challenge for this week. Awesome.

Jessie then explains that the Marines normally do this with two days of sleep deprivation and fasting, with heavy backpacks, in two minutes. The Target Teammembers are going to get 5 minutes to do it, and everyone must cross the finish line together. Can they do it?

The next two minutes of my life are wasted as the camera grabs as many ass shots and pratfalls as it can. Swinging on rope swings, climbing over logs, running over ropes, hoisting themselves over walls, price-checking Merona career separates and giving me a dirty look when I don’t want to open up a Target credit card to save 10%. Yikes.

But hey, they finish with 2 seconds to spare. Good work, ladies!

Mary collapses in the dirt, and Jessie straddles her to pretend sucker-punch her paunch. Passive-aggressive attack, or a CRUSH?? Ooooooooh! If he gives her a noogie later, we can all nod knowingly.

Hey, what would be the most cliched way to end this segment? Having the ladies pile their hands on each others’ hands and shout, “DIETTRIBE!”? Checkmate, Lifetime. Checkmate.

Now it’s time for the weekly complaint montage. “Wah, wah, wah, I want pizza. Working out is hard. I want a burger. I ate a pretzel–ssshh!” Tiffany motorboats a bag of chocolates at the store and moans to them about how she misses them.

And with that, we head to the gym. Where’s Laneesa? Oh, she’s late. And apparently has been blowing off her workouts. Jessie’s a little annoyed. She finally shows, and he pulls her aside. Remember how impressed he was with her last week at the first weigh in? About how great her attitude is? Yeah, change of heart. He gives her a pep talk and a dressing down, then calls her “dude”. I laugh when he tells her she’s a beautiful person. “Just to be clear, Laneesa, I am so absolutely not attracted to you. Dude. But you are a beautiful PERSON. Man.” We end with bro-hugs. LIFETIME! (Wait a sec…)

The girls meet at Rita’s house to make cupcakes for Mary’s birthday party. The talk turns to alcohol, as in, who’s drinkin’ tonight? Tiffany’s all over it. Steph says she’s out, but not because she’s dedicated to the plan, but because she already drank LAST night. Hold up! Now we get all kinds of rationalizing about why it was OKAY for her to drink but it wouldn’t be okay if the others did so tonight. The logic is ridiculous. Well, it’s all going to show up at the weigh in. Believe me.

Mary’s party. They’re all dressed garishly in fluorescent colored wigs and crazy eyelash extensions. I’m scared. Laneesa actually looks lovely with her extensions–she should keep ‘em.

Jessie sneaks in, wearing a Phantom-of-the-Opera-during-’Masquerade’-but-in-black-instead-of-red costume, catching the women boozing. He dumps out their drinks and gets increasingly frustrated with their excuses. Weigh in is tomorrow, bitches!

They try to argue logistics of the actual calories in their bloodstream–would it actually show up tomorrow on the scale? Jesse lays Mary out with one punch, then shakes his fist at the rest of ‘em–it doesn’t MATTER if it’s going to show up or not. Do you go boozing the night before a job interview? This is IMPORTANT. Mary, lying bloody on the ground, spits out a broken tooth. I guess it’s not a crush.

Weigh in. The proof is in the fat-free, sugar-free pudding. (Surprisingly delicious.) Jessie’s not expecting much from them–they’ve failed with their workouts, and they’ve failed particularly with their diet. And ya know what, this is typical weight loss right here. You’re super-motivated the first week or two, then you see a lot of success with your first weigh-in, which is mostly water weight and/or your body totally flipping the fuck out about what you’re doing to it. After that, you get cocky and complacent and think you can eat cupcakes or drink margaritas and still lose 5 lbs a week. You can’t. Your body wants you to hang onto those calories and it’s gonna fightcha.

Let’s see. The group goal was 30 lbs (6 lbs each.)

Steph lost 5 lbs.
Tiffany lost 4 lbs.
Mary lost 3 lbs.
Rita lost 2 lbs.
Laneese lost 1 lb. ONE POUND.

Fifteen pounds total; no reward.

Mary, in particular, pisses me off, because she says, “It’s frustrating to be doing everything perfectly and to not see results.” Um, that’s because you WERE NOT doing things perfectly. Oh well. Lesson learned, we hope.

Jessie’s upset–not only did they not meet their goal, but he also suspects they’re lying to him. The breach in integrity concerns him. Their denial also worries him. They’re sabotaging themselves, and as a member of their team (awww! Lifetime!), he can’t let that happen.

So this week, they’re going to send him a daily email with everything they ate. Accountability. Ah, yet another weight-loss trick we read about all the time. The goal for next week’s weigh-in is 30 lbs.

Next week, the women get their first taste of their triathlon, as they practice riding bikes, swimming, and running. Get ready for LOTS of complaints. Stacy and Steph pow-wow over Steph’s divorce, and the weigh-in looks particularly emotional. Lifetime!