Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami: “Part-time Homosexuality” Must Die!

Previously on Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, the ass fairy Kim came to “visit” her sisters who were in dire need of some “PR” (that sentence sounds raunchy doesn’t it?) Also, Terrence J fulfilled his wildest dream: Have a make-out session on TV with a “thick” girl. Don’t worry buddy…sooner or later, all of this will be all yours.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllll yours

We start with Khloe’s radio show again. She’s asking us another question. Oooouuuuhhhh, gooooooo oooonnnn???? Last time she wanted to be scared with us. This time, Khloe puts on her “concerned citizen” hat. She’s concerned about Miami. I’m concerned about your sanity bitch but I haven’t aired any of my “concerns” in this recap. Yet. Khloe’s concerned about Miami’s nightlife. What offends her is the way people stuff their noses with illegal substances…particularly crack. Awww Rick James…it is a hell of a drug. We get a montage of Miss Khloe talking about the amount of coke she saw “downstairs” at a club…HEY CRACK DEALERS, GET READY TO BE BAILED OUT…KHLO KHLO’S IN TOWN!

She tells her listeners that everywhere she goes, she’s asked if she does, sells, owns, deals, have crack hidden in her cat-hole in case the cops search her, but every time she says she doesn’t, she gets laughed at or stared down. So I can cross Miami off my “family friendly cities” list. Good! While I’m at it, I can remove “crack pipe” out of my “Awkward conversation topics I might have with my kids” list.

Why are you discussing Miami’s drug addiction and why are you concerned about not fitting in Miami’s snorting group? Peer pressure is a phase that teenagers go through…what part did you miss? The one where you realize you’re not bound by your friends’ peculiar “interests”? Or the one where you finally came to terms with that “mistake” at that “sleepover” you “went” to?

Khloe lets crack dealers know that she’s ready. She has SOOOO many drug stories and she wants to hear yours. Ouh Ouh Ouh…pick me! Pick me Khloe! Ok, I typically snort the white stuff before I watch this show. It numbs me. Man, those thirty minutes I’m spending watching your stupid show aren’t going to waste. Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

and fuck your couch

Khloe’s first guest on the show is the craptacular Scott Storch. He’s the music producer who’s got beef with Timbaland. What happened you ask? He got mad for not getting any credit for that “Cry me a River” song from Justin Brittlestickpond. He’s also the loser who bought Lindsay Lohan a Rolex watch after they briefly date ages ago…and we all know what happened to our favorite escaped mental patient. He also went severely broke. He’s a loser and he’s good enough to get on Khloe’s show.

Producers are to be heard and not seen

Khloe, who didn’t write down what she planned to do for the show that day and certainly didn’t have any questions for Scott, went straight to the callers. “Scott is our sex expert” she says. I guess when all else fails…you…make…your…guest…entertaining…by…talking…about…sex???? One of her listeners doesn’t shy away. She asks: “When’s the right time to have sex”. Scott is shocked since his dick hasn’t been rubbed in ages. No car, no money = no women. Don’t you know listener, Scott doesn’t crazy-check any of his conquests. Did I mention he dated Lil Kim?

Khloe tells us that Scott is also a notorious playboy. HA puhleeze…this guy couldn’t play a tone of bricks! Khloe, who should be aware of her sister’s beef with Paris Hilton, asks the “womanizer” how it was to work with Paris. She also asks him if he boned her. Terrence isn’t impressed.

HEY…I get laid too alright…it’s been a while until I found a good wo…nevermind, just pass me the butt plugs

The following day, Kourt tells us she wants to meet new people. Where’s the best place to meet a new friend? At a figure drawing class apparently. She must have been watching too many movies. You know the ones where a girl goes to a drawing class and she has to draw a hunky guy with a ridiculously huge penis? Ya, well whatever came out of those white doors was not that. I don’t know what kind of man your trying to nab at the figure drawing class Kourt, but if the following guy is your type…I mean…by all means go ahead:

How sexy am I? (not sexy at all) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (hot tamale)

At least you can have his money. He might also croak before you have your first wrinkle. It’s a step-up from that lying basterd you were with. Ya I wrote “basterd”. It’s cooler. I took it from Quentin Tarantino and you BETTER LIKE IT!

Everyone was just drawing with a straight face. Kourt, on the other hand, couldn’t. She kept looking at his bell. She was pointing and laughing at it too. How emasculating! Kourt couldn’t stop looking at those “huge saggy balls” she tells us. Just push that extra layer of skin off and they’ll look better than yours. Kourt turns to another immature nimrod who’s clearly suffering from penis envy. She “doesn’t want to bone him” she tells her as she salivates and thinks about all the purses she can buy if she just forgets about the excess skin.

Back at DASH, Khloe is checking out the picture for the promo of her show. She’s complaining that her mole was removed. Did you see the picture for the promo of this show? You look like a Jenny Craig model and I can SEE the photoshop. You shouldn’t complain about your missing mole. How about the missing double chin? Carrie, the model-wannabe, comes out of the curtains to talk to Khloe in “privacy”. There’s no privacy or secret if there’s a camera nimrod. Anyways, she hands her a bottle of cocaine and she laughs devilishly. Aww…how nice of you to share your stash. Carrie said she “found” it. She’s “never” taken some in her life. Khloe “doesn’t know” what to do with it so she asks the manager of the store, who happens to be working for her, what she should do with her precious booster? The brunette Paris Hilton tells her that she should just throw it away in this “this isn’t a big deal; haven’t you seen boobies before” kind of way. Khloe does the opposite. She stuffs it in her bag at the sight of customers because she doesn’t want anybody to think that DASH is also a crack house. FAIL! Every time I think of Kardashian, I think of DUI, pregnancy, sex tape, implants and photoshop. I don’t mind adding “crack”.

She immediately starts wiping off the coke that she was discreetly snorting while the camera man was shooting the incoming customers.

Come off, come off, COME OFF!!!!

Back at the eye-sore session, Kourt didn’t draw anything at all. She turns around and presents herself to her new friend. Somehow Jackie, Kourt’s new friend, isn’t really aware of who Kourt is. You’re kidding right? I mean there are just cameras and a whole production team following that one particular girl in your class. I mean they probably only asked you to sign some sort of contract so that you don’t sue them in case you decide to get bloody drunk or high with the Kardashians. Actually no, I don’t blame you.

You must only know her right?

Both girls decide to go for a walk. Jackie asks Kourt what drove her to Miami. Again Jackie…just look at the cameras. Kourt gives the details about her expanding her family’s company and she also brings up the ex-bf issue. Jackie who quickly picked-up on the boyfriend dilemma, chimes in with her own pathetic story about her leaving her boyfriend behind. Wow, they have something in common: nobody cares about their pathetic love-lives. Hooray for celibacy!

Back to the Khloe show! Khloe really wants to talk about the drug issue in Miami. She’s either a concerned citizen or she’s itching for some of that power puff! Khloe tells her listeners that she’s never done coke and never been into that stuff. Terrence nods with a smirk on his face. Terrence was going to explain to our favorite Kar”trash”ian that people are high on something all the time, but Khloe interrupts his valid assumption with some crack. She pulls out the coke she found at DASH and starts fake sniffing it near her microphone. A) Your listeners can’t see what you are doing because this is a damn radio show. B) Your in possession of an illegal substance in your workplace Worst.crack-addict.EVER! You might as well dangle a bag of weed in front of a cop while you’re at it.

Terrence J is really cool about the whole thing until…

You better have ass-whopping insurance to cover what I’m about to do to your backside

Michael comes out of his dungeon yelling and flailing his hands in the air. “What are you doing??????” he says. He then throws that cocaine back into her face. “It’s a felony charge” he tells Khloe explaining to her that she won’t be begging for her advertisers to stay on board this train-wreck she calls a “show”. Man, I gotta stop overusing the quotation marks. Michael tells Khloe the exact same thing the brunette Paris told her to do: get rid of that damn thing! He tells her that he expected someone like her do something like this. He got her a chauffeur so her drunk ass wouldn’t be on the road. “It’s just dumb and GET INTO MY OFFICE YOU DUMB…CRACK HEAD!!!!!” he says…well not like that, but I’m pretty sure he was thinking about it.

Khloe heads to the nearest bathroom to sniff pour the rest of the precious white powder in the sink. She admits that she was an idiot for bringing it at the station in the first place.

You missed some

Michael, she claims, was being over-dramatic about the whole situation. It’s not like she was going to sniff that thing on-air and “trip-out” at her hallucination of Scott Storch’s dick or Terrence stuffing two butt plugs up his butt. Of course Michael over-dramatized the situation. It’s not his career that’s on the line. Nope it’s not. It’s the Armenian-walking-DUI who shits no less than 50 000$ every time this show airs who should be worried. She has enough money to pay the African continents’ debt. No, it’s the middle man who’s probably making half off what she spends on crack, clothes and cars who should “relax”. Hey Khloe, sniff some more of that white stuff…you’re not ready for reality just yet.

At her meeting in Michael’s office, Michael literally lets her out-eff herself out of the obvious mistake she’s made before he rips her a new one. She tells him she wasn’t thinking…hum…Khloe…he knows! Khloe gives this monosyllabic answer. Something in the lines of “ya…hum…ya…I’m…I’m not…think…(head goes down)”…much like a crack addict would do. Michael goes straight to the point. “Are you sky “high” right now?” he asks. Joke! That’s not what he said but I think it’s a lot funnier and subtler than “do you have a drug problem?” Khloe asks him if he’s serious. Dude, he can hear his phone ringing. It’s the advertisers! If this show doesn’t work out they’re screwed. They already lost a lot of money advertising on Glenn Beck’s show.

It’s procedure he says…I say it’s his new Beemer that he wants to keep. She obviously denies using illegal substances. He asks if she’s been snorting since they started the show and Khloe discreetly moves her hand behind her hair to her nose to make sure that the residue of coke she sniffed before the meeting is gone. She also discreetly removes the crack that was stuck in between her nails. Damn he’s sly isn’t he?

Michael explains that he doesn’t want to strip for his bosses again (that’s how he got his job), so she either tells him the truth or both of them will get the proverbial ax. Khloe just bursts out laughing but Michael snaps back telling her that it’s not funny. That thong really hurt. In all seriousness, Khloe is now a liability. If crack isn’t good for DASH, it’s not good for her radio show either…neither is this=>

She’s going for a drug test. Khloe didn’t think about the consequences of her actions. No sweetheart, even money won’t save your ass unless you plan on giving part of your fortune to Michael. Michael will reconsider. “Girl, forget about that crack. Now that I got my 500 000$ bonus, I won’t even need to do this show” he would say. Khloe apologizes and will do whatever she has to do to keep his ass employed. Her show is suspended until “further notice”. She’s on probation. I laugh!

Khloe runs to Skippy the bashful African American boy to tell him the bad news. Terrence J who’s still wants a piece of THAT Kard”ass”ian, sides with the crack head. “Why did he have to call all the bosses”…because somewhere along the line, he wants you to stay on the payroll. This isn’t BET Terrence where you can cat-call your guests and talk about how “fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee” your co-host is…oops, you already did. While Khloe totally understood the situation, Terrence is trying to rationalize Khloe’s actions. I’d like to see you do that if Khloe would have brought an AK-47 she “found” at DASH. How would you feel about that? “It’s just an AK…I mean nobody is up this late and the safety’s on”.

Khloe drags herself home half breathing half snorting to Kourt that night at the hotel. Its 4 am in the morning and Kourt is taking a bath. She tells her she had the worse day ever. She explains that she brought coke at work and partially tries to defend her actions. She explains that she didn’t want to leave the coke behind because it would look bad for DASH and she wouldn’t want people to think it was hers. She narrated Michael’s outburst, hair pulling, pants wetting, crying, depression, suicide attempt and suicide aversion, rehab and rehabilitation. “He thinks I’m a cokehead, wants me to take a drug test and the whole show is on probation”…co-signing with Michael on every front and I add “thinks I’m an idiot” in there too. Kourt wants to hug it out but in her confessional she admits that Khlo really is an idiot.

Hug it out

The next day, Kourt meets up with her new bff Jackie. She’s excited about the whole thing. They’re super close friends guys…and it’s only been a FEW DAYS. Jackie wants to teach Miss Koko Spanish. Wow guys she’s also her teacher and therapist too. She tells her that moving out of New-York was good for her…and than she starts talking about herself again. Girl, I think YOU need a therapist. She mentions that since she’s been in Miami, she’s been dating chicks. Cut to Kourt’s reaction.

WhooooaoaaaaaAAaaTTttt???

Really she says? What’s Jackie’s explanation for the sudden switch? “There’s a million of beautiful girls here and guys are just dirt bags”. Last time I checked, bi-curiosity was done and overplayed. Katy Perry sang that bullshit song to death that even the butch-ier lesbians are rooting for my team. Get over it bitch! I’m all for exploring your sexuality but I don’t believe in part-time homosexuality. You’re exploiting homosexuality. LAME! Kourtney quickly jump ships too since it will sky-rocket their shows’ ratings. Good job! E! will thank you for it. Kourt admits she made out with a bunch of girls for “drunk fun in college”; but, she is not a part-time homosexual. Well there you have it Jackie. Get her drunk and you’ll get the action you’ve been asking for.

Jackie is increasingly turned on by the conversation.

Is this the “wanna fuck” lesbo face?

Kourtney admits it was fun in a “ya I did it…whatever” face. But Jackie can’t seem to read faces. Kourt is straight…just get the tequila and you will get what you need. Kourt half-ass-ly cheers for their new relationship. When she means relationship, she means friendship Jackie.

Kourt heads to DASH to see how the store is “doing” but she’s only there to disclose that she has a lesbian stalker. Kourt tells them all about her lunch-date with Jackie. Brunette Paris Hilton says she hasn’t seen Kourt lash-on to a “girl”friend in a long time so all of this is a surprise to her. There are cameras running…she’ll do anything. Khloe goes for the big question and wonders if that Jackie character has a boyfriend like it mattered to the conversation. Just admit the cameraman told you to go “that” way. Kourt explains that she’s only bi-curious (because that’s what she is). Khloe teases Kourt because she thinks she totally likes Jackie! Khloe’s totally ourts Kourt for being A PART-TIME HOMOSEXUAL in her confessional. “She totally kissed girls in her college days”…because that was the easier way for her to get male attention. I think their milking Kourt’s bi-curiosity because I don’t even see this girl touching another woman’s lips without a bottle of Jagermeister in one hand and a Jack Daniels in the other. Kourt tells them that she’s meeting Jackie in 20 some minutes but the other girls decide to tag along. No! Don’t do that. She’s gonna think you’re not interested.

Out to the club they go…but not just any club. Oh no! Are part-time lesbian Jackie took the girls to a lesbian bar. Kourt and Jackie are sitting right next to each other and they’re not really saying anything. Out of nowhere, this random girl goes up to Jackie and offers her a drink but Kourt steps up and explains that she’s actually with her.

Lilo and Samantha Ronson…EAT.YOUR.HEART.OUT!

The mystery girl doesn’t believe her because a) she knows the cameras are rolling, b) she knows who the Kardashian sisters are…and c) she effed Jackie. The girls peck each other on the lips to shoo that real lesbian away. Even she knows your part-timers…SAD.

Khloe thinks it’s obvious that Kourt wants to eff Jack-hoe. Hum…no! She will lick it a few times like you lick black licorice when you have nothing else to eat; but she’s not gonna eat it.

When the girls walk back from the club, Jack-hoe tells Kourt she totally ruined her game. Kourt thought the girl was too sexual and very angry. “She saved her (!!!!???)” Kourt tells her. No, you vagina-blocked her. That type of lesbo happens to be Jack-hoe’s favorites. Way to be! So now she’ll run to Rome and become a nun because she can’t deal with men and women!

The next day Khloe heads to the clinic for a drug test “for her job” (note: she doesn’t forget to add the last part so that she can separate herself from the obvious culprits who do need to be tested…like…hum…er….herself!) Khlo has to do the pee test and she tells us that it’s not the easiest thing to do. Stop lying! You’re just saying that so that we believe you’ve haven’t done the test like twenty times.

H1N1 in a cup…DON’T TOUCH IT!

Back at the hotel, the front desk calls our favorite ladies to let them know that there’s an aggressive lesbian at the front door with a crowbar begging for some vagina and if Kourt doesn’t open up this instant, she’s prying that door open. Kourt laughs it off and lets her part-timer in for her 9oclock shift. Jack-hoe comes in and everyone is just laughing and giggling. The girls are heading to Nicky Beach tonight. Wait…nicky beach…naked beach?? If you seek Amy? Poker face? No wait, it’s Miami. They make things a lot more obvious.

At the club, Jack-hoe pulls man moves on the Kourt. She asks her if she dances and Kourt replies that she does sometimes. Jack-hoe=male…Kourt=female? Ok cool! The girls dance and get their drink on and this happens:

Oh…Kourt just started her shift too

The next day, Kourt’s phone is ringing like crazy. She hastily puts her phone on “vibrate” because she’s embarrassed. She can’t talk to that girl again. She didn’t mean to lead her on. Ok so now, Kourt=male and Jack-hoe=female? This is confusing…this is exactly why I don’t like part-timers.

Khloe spills the beans and then steps on them so that they can stain the carpet of their store about Kourt’s poor performance on her lesbian shift. Erica asks her if she effed Jack-hoe but Kourt explains that she didn’t. It’s not part of her job requirements nor is it part of her contract. Kourt receives a new message and she decides, like guys typically do with their buddies when they don’t like a girl, to read out loud what this desperate girl just sent her. “You’re a great kisser I can still taste your lips”. Everyone in the room laughs and grabs their balls and yell out “Just fuck her and don’t call her ever again..hahahahah dude! Score man!!!”

Kourt is not ready to talk to her and she doesn’t want any confrontation. The next day at the figure drawing class, Kourt, like a man, goes in the class and sits far away from Jackie. Jackie’s face is just priceless.

I know you don’t want me…JUST SAY IT TO ME ALREADY…JUST SAY IT!!!!!

The irony of it all is that Kourt doesn’t have a naked man in front of her face…no, this time, she has to draw a butt-naked woman. This is God’s way of telling you to pick a side or to jump ship indefinitely. She gets up and goes to talk to Jackie after the class is done because she deserves an explanation. “Why are you avoiding me” Jackie asks. Kourt, just say this: “It’s not you, it’s me! I’ve been dealing with a lot…the production team made me do it! I wasn’t thinking! Can we still be friends?” Kourt literally says what I just wrote in this less man-ly way. Jackie is on the verge of tears. C’mon Jackie, she was totally not into the lesbo convo you had at the restaurant; she was kidding at the club when she pushed you away from that real lesbian; and, the fact that she didn’t return your phone calls was a dead giveaway. WOW, all of this makes me think of all the d-bags who actually pulled all of those moves on me. It goes to show you…whether you’re a lesbian, gay, straight male, straight female…we are all dicks! Let’s hug it out bitches!

Back at the hotel, Michael calls the Khlo to tell her that his bosses want that striptease. They’re not happy that Khlo brought the precious nasal salt remedy to the radio station so the show will be suspended for another week. Michael also announces that she passed her drug test. Khloe jumps up and down when she hears the news. She feels the need to celebrate with her sister…wait, you knew you were going to pass though…didn’t you?

Wait…no wonder you were holding that cup like it was no thang miss nurse…it’s YOUR piss!!