Make Me A Supermodel: One Man’s Trash Bag is Another Man’s Trash Bag Dress

Do I see Boobs?

This week on MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL, the models do a Mod sixties shoot with partners that they like a lot or don’t like at all. Kerryn’s forhead really shines in this episode, folks, literally and figuratively. The Go-sees prove that not everyone has what it takes, and the catwalk challenge is all about a model humiliation smackdown! I know, pretty sweet. And, a double elimination as your low-fat, high-ego icing on the cake!

Well, have you been in “Make Me a Supermodel” withdrawal or what? Yeah, fuck Bravo awards shows- we need some sweet model ridicule! Anyhow, I got a break. What did I do? Get lunch with superman and cure cancer. Yeah, it was a slow week. And, I missed you guys. BUT… now we’re BACK and BETTER THAN EVER.

Speaking of which, Catharine Malandrino is back and Perou is GONE, filling in is Jewwy McJewerstein. See, I can say that because I’m jewish. But seriously, Rebecca Weinberg? She sounds like she lived down the block from me. Yeah, I met her in hebrew school. But, I digress-

I love what a big production the editors make about models waking up. Yeah, newsflash, everyone hates to get out of bed and face a new day. Apparently, it’s WAYYY more interesting when models do it.

Like Animal Planet but with more protein shakes

Amanda is shaken up because her beau Gabe is gone. Really? She didn’t see that coming? All he could do was pout and wear underwear, I don’t know why you invested so much in him. Probably because you look like a cross between a goose and a raptor, with bangs. Still, no excuse!

Amanda thinks it’s going to be hard because she has nobody to confide in. What about Jordan? She’s already mildly obsessed with you, you should kill her with whining and kindness. Oh, and of course Jordan puts in her two cents about Gabe and Amanda.

Amanda= needs to go away.

Now who is high school? Ugh, Jordan is such the bad guy in this season, it’s ridiculous. Now that CJ is gone, there is nobody else to hate, really- Amanda’s too stupid and funny looking.

Then, the models gather around that weird computer email window that isn’t quite email and isn’t quite a word document. Branden reads, which is good because it proves that one more person in the house is literate, aside from Jonathan. So, what do Madonna, Andy Warhol and Yves St. Laurent have in common? Besides that they are human? Webbed feet? A propensity for high paychecks? They…aren’t good at math??? WHHHHAAAAATTTT?

oh, they all got shot by some photographer. Whatevs.

And, dear little Salome doesn’t know who Andy Warhol is. Aw, they didn’t have art in Mennoniteville. Cute! And Salome, even COLIN knows those names. Even COLIN!

Even me! And I’m a virgin!

I mean, could Salome be any cuter? She tried to take a bath in the sink last night, and once she brought a goat home to the model apartment to play hide and seek. All she has to do is loose a little ass-fat and she’ll be untouchably precious.

Then, the models go to a bar. Not to drink- but to posey for the click-y box. Yeah, that’s modeling in Salome-speak. Branden, Mr. Perceptive, rules out all the things that the bar is not: it is NOT a football field, or a vollyball field, or an ice hockey field…nice, Branden. You’re the model version of Sherlock Holmes, aren’t you?

Nicole meets them in an ugly sweater, while Tyson forgets a shirt altogether.

Nicole and Tyson tell the models that they’re going to embody the sixties, but not the stinky pot-smoking peaceful lame-ass sixties, the sixties that had all the drugs and ugly color configurations: yes, the MOD sixties!

Roxane Lowit, the answer to the email riddle, comes out. Man, this lady LOOKS like she partied a lot in the sixties.

Oh man, let me tell you the story when Iggy Pop and i shot up toilet water and tried to eat a live Iguana….

Throwback Roxanne tells the models they will have to convincingly recreate a sixties nightlife scene. Yeah, sounds easy, but it’ll be a stretch considering nightlife, for these models, means having a protein shake while watching Kerryn try to grope Colin before bed.

Then, the models get paired up to add…I don’t know, a “two by two” flavor to the sixties. It’s very biblical and very chic. Branden gets picked first and he picks Starburst. But you know, only because Branden’s so not gay. I mean, Sandhurst is hot, in a so not gay way. I mean, I don’t really want to put my penis in his butt, I just think about a little handjobbery. That’s not gay, right? God, Branden isn’t gay at all, you guys.

Jonathan gets picked next out of the box of infinite mystery/model headshots and he choses to work with Jordan. Jordan, of course, loves it, because it makes her feel like she’s as good as him. Colin chooses Kerryn, and she climaxes in her pants a little.

Only because Jordan and Jonathan were picked already. Kisses!

Muahaha gets picked next, and she choses Salome for her partner. They’re thrilled, but not as thrilled as Amanda and Angrier-face for getting picked last and being stuck with each other.

No, really, we’re glad to be here.

Colin reflects on Amanda’s personality and he’s sort of right- she’s won two photo shoots but she comes off as insecure, weepy and looking like a bug-eyed jackrabbit. Also, there’s this little thing called a double elimination that’s gonna happen, folks. Be afraid! Be very afraid!

In the dressing rooms/makeup fun time, Jewwy Weisenberg is impressed by Jonathan’s stomach and gives Amanda some chicken cutlets for her lack of chest. Oh, Amanda, let’s make a big deal about it, shall we? Sure, but not without a creepy remark by Starburst. This week, it is….

“Ohhh! She is FULL!” Gross.

Branden hooting, Colin in sheer delight, and Jonathan bored/disgusted. This is a perfect photograph!

Then, Jewwy Weisenberg asks the guys if they like boobies. Jonathan (oh, you British intellectual you!) likes “flat as a pancake.” Gross. Colin likes…boobs. Oh god, boobs. And Branden just responds with a string of drool coming off of his lower lip.

Boobies Boobies Boobies!

Jordan and Jonathan went first, and of course, had fun in their “holier than thou” corny way. Still their photo looked super sixties.

Smug model alert!

Salome and Mouhahaha are next, and Mouhaha tries to educate Salome a little about….life? Dancing? History? All of the above? Oh Salome, no- 1960, not 1860! You’re adorable. Stop brushing your hair with a fork, you silly gorgeous goose!

Angry-face thinks Salome’s fake, though. Ugh, Angry face? It’s your turn for elimination, babycakes. You aren’t even pretty!

23? I think that’s a couple decades off.

Salome is told that she looks like twiggy. She doesn’t know who that is, though! Adorable!

Zombie-twiggy

Their shoot went okay, I think, and I actually really liked their photograph!

Drugs n’ Girls! Yeah!

Brandon and Starburst are next, and they look not nearly as sixties as the ladies. Also, they are both so not gay. Even when Brandon calls them “Brandhurst,” Not gay. not gay. Like, banging chicks all day not gay.

Shitty photo.

Kerryn and Colin are next, and Kerryn is worried about Colin being bad but also about how it’s gonna go over her when she simulates sexual intercourse with him in front of the crew and camerawoman. Kerryn has this weird bouffant and Colin just looks uncomfortable. Even after they, uh, make the two of them go into a bathtub it becomes (shocker) even MORE uncomfortable. Then, Kerryn’s hair needs to look less bouffant-y. Nerves!

And then they do this TOTALLY awkward thing where Kerryn and Colin pretend they’re at a concert and dance like the lame white people that they are.

The result…sort of cute, but mostly awkward.

A Target Campaign without the red.

Angrier-Face and Amanda are next, and Angrier-Face says that it’s “no news” that she’s not the best of friends with A Bangs. Ok…so who ARE you friends with in the house, Angrier? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

A Bangs is worried that she’s gonna be brought down by Angrier-Face’s sucktasticness. Yeah, that’s the spirit of a true supermodel, isn’t it? And then I love love love how Amanda (now called A Bangs, because I’m brilliant) says that Angrier-face’s one biggest downfall is her smile. Man, if anyone said that to me, I’d shoot myself in my smile. But nobody would, because I’m fucking mesmerizing. You know, in the face.

I call this one “Ugly Smiles and bangs for miles”

Seriously, I think I like the girl model photographs more because they just look more sixties.

The next morning, Amanda finds a new clueless model to regale with her sob stories- Branden! A Bangs goes on about, like, having her son, and, like being told that, like her life was, like, going to be over, like, how her sister, like,wanted to abort that shit, etc. Ughhh, I can’t even listen to A Bangs for a good fifteen second chunk without wanting to blow open the back of my head. Poor Branden!

Still, Branden thinks she’s a strong woman because he was raised by a single Mom. Wow, was she anything like Amanda? Bangs, likes and big old facial expressions? Sounds…..not gay.

Nicole rings the doorbell a bajillion times to summon her “sixties sirens.” She shows them the results of their photo shoot, and Brandon digs the photo, but he feels like it won’t be enough to win him nuthin.’ Gay. Colin thinks Branden’s pointing is cocky as opposed to confident, something that Branden got torn a new asshole for being last week. Yow!

Jordan and Jonathan won’t shut up about how much fun they had during their shoot. Yawn.

Salome and Mouhahaha like their shit, but Salome was a little dissapponted that her eyes weren’t as wide and she wasn’t as energetic.

Colin thought his photo was better than he anticipated, and A Bangs and Angrier-face dig their snapshot.

In other news, Mouhaha looks gross this week.

Rosie the goth-face riveter.

And, Cory Bautista calls….for….SALOME! Wha? Everyone’s sorta suprised, you know, because Salome is fat and awkward. Salome, darling that she is, thinks the ringing of the phone is some sort of animal indigenous to new york, and goes and hides in her room. Oh, Salome!

Oh Yeah, and Brandon drinks a flowerpot full of Sunny Delight.

I love, too, how Salome tells Cory that she’s shocked she won the photo shoot. Way to exude confidence! She’s meeting with Rory Tahari, and she picks Mouhaha to go with her, which is nice, because according to Mouahhaa, Salome knows everything about the sixties because of her tutelage.

On the way to the go-see, Salome does even MORE CUTE SHIT by not fucking knowing the designer’s name. Or, thinking that it’s a middle eastern sauce. Adorable! Moahhaha looks like she’s about to kill her, too.

When they get to the go-see, Salome PEAKS in adorability by introducing herself “Salome, like Salami.” Sexy.

Actually, I could go for a Salami sandwich. Minions? BRING IT TO ME!

The ladies walk for Rory, and then the results are in…though Rory says Salami is extremely beautiful. Having said that, she’s not hired because she’s awkward and nobody got Rory the salami sandwich she so craved. And Moughahahaha? Too edgy. Sorry, ladies! Get back into your leather jackets and head home!

Jordan, on the other hand, did book something, and it turns out she’s basically trying on some dresses for some designer at People’s Revolution. It’s not an ad or a runway, it’s more of a human-mannequin-like gig. Hmmm…like the movie? Sounds…Kim Cattrall-y. yeah, I totally saw “Mannequin.” That’s why I’m making so many references.

When Jordan gets there, Masha Orlov is there and wants to see her in some WEARS. Masha Orlov looks like a sexy librarian.

Some of these clothes are WAY overdue.

ordan gets praised by people’s revolution and by Masha. Jordan, of course, lets compliments get to her and really loves working “with professional people. FINALLY!” Whatever, Jordan. Why are you such a bitch? Yeah, I worked with Masha. Yeah, Masha. She was cool. We drank flirtinis together. Yeah, we’re bffs. We’re a big deal.

The next day, is runway day and also a day of STYLE WAR. Whatever that means. Apparently, it’s a thing fashion-y people do when they’re bored and feeling too chic for words. House of Diehl (aka Roman and MJ) come out and explain that real supermodels can wear Trader Joe’s bag and a tuna can as a hat and look fuckable. For example, they put some weird pants on mouhahaha’s tits and it’s a shirt. And, she want’s too keep it (but can’t! Sorry Mouhahaha).

Each of the models will get a designer and together they’ll make an impromptu outfit in four minutes. Oh man, this is gonna be GOOD.

To add insult to injury, the models will be “battling” their pairs that they shot the photo with. First is Mouhaha and Salome! Boo Ya!

Mouhaha also (adorable) has the Mennonite edge, because they fit cloth to their body instead of buying clothes. Nice. Actually, they both look fucking cool as hell, in my opinion. LIke I just made some cool origami and one of them has a big ass.

BOOM!

Brandon and Starburst are next, and they look ridiculous. Brandon looks like an adonis in plastic trash bag, and Starburst looks like the homeless guy who is usually drunk off rubbing alcohol on Selma and Wilcox. Yeah, right by the HIV sign with Blair Underwood.

The odd couple.

Thank god Starburst has immunity or I’d send him straight to rehab. Angrier-face and A Bangs are next, and actually A Bangs looks cute in her little ripped-chic brown dress combo . Angrier face? Well, you know how Starburst looks like that homeless guy I know? Angrier-face looks like his girlfriend with the shopping cart full of christmas tinsel and with a propensity for yelling at curbs.

One man’s plastic is another man’s plastic dress.

Kerryn feels confident because her friends from her bumblefuck home town tell her that she’d look good in a trash bag. Hmmm….Colin looks like a poor man’s ghostbuster and Kerryn just looked like she had a bad shopping day at hot topic.

The other odd couple.

Last, but certainly in their minds not least, is Jonathan and Jordan. Jordan looks sorta bag-lady cool but Jonathan looks like the offspring of a circus clown and a roll of carpet.

We love how good we are!

Then, PANEL! Panel time! Jenny, Jewwy and the gang! Brandon, Mouhahaha and Jonathan are safe and may leave the catwalk. Everyone likes Jordan and thought that Jordan and Jonathan were brilliant. And of course, Jordan had a boner working with the only person whom she perceives as her competition.

Amanda is told that she’s missing some strength (where’s your kid now, A Bangs?) A Bangs admits that Catherine is right in saying that she’s missing presence, and is working on it. On it!

Angrier-face is brave for getting a trash bag thrown on her body and head. Whatever, though- it’s not like any of them had mirrors and could see what they looked like!

Thanx. Anyone gots a cigarette?

Marlon’s still disapointed with Angrier-face’s personality, but Jewwy disagrees. In a condescending way, Marlon tells her he knows what he’s fuckin’ talking about, Ooookay? See, there’s battles on and off the runway. Ohhh, snap!

Jenny pipes in about how Angrier-face should’ve been bitchy for the battle.

Starburst gets praised again for a great picture and a great walk….uh, ogre-esque is more the term I’d use, but whatevs.

Kerryn is asked if she liked working with Colin this week, and she immediately climaxes a little in her trash-bag panties. Then, she says it was fun, with a bead of sweat on her forehead and a faraway look in her eyes.

Sorry, what was the question?

The judges think the photo is not connected and flat, though Kerryn likes the picture. Catherine says the runway was plain.

For Colin, the picture sucks according to both him and the judges and then he finally lets ‘ol Kerryn have it by saying that “the chemistry was missing.” Cold, Colin, even for someone as weirdly agressive as Kerryn. Boo! But I guess it’s okay becase Jenny calls him “buffoon-ish.” As Kerryn cries on her trash bag smock….

For Salome, there is three inches or so worth of improvement (does she mean her ass? I’m confused) even though the judges dug her picture and her walk.

Then, the judges want the mentors to weigh in on the models. Tyson still likes Colin, even after being a jerk. Yeah, everyone likes Colin, but when is his potential going to become usable? Nicole tells Kerryn to smile, and to toughen the fuck up. That’s it, Nicole? Come on, be your normal catty-but-don’t-care self!

In deliberation, Marlon thinks Jordan could go right to work. Okay, then take her ass off the show, right? Geez. Starburst is praised for his presence and his walk, and also his picture isn’t weird and terrible this week, either. Colin is chided for looking like an ass on the runway, but Catherine says the thing that always saves Colin- he totally looks like a fuckin’ model. Angrier-facei isn’t doing it, either, even with a bag on her face. Amanda has no presence, and isn’t supermodel material. SO?????

Starburst is told he is magnetic, and Salome is praised for her walk and picture. SALOME GETS IMMUNITY! Wow, what a fat-assed dark horse this week, eh? Kidding, kidding! More adorable antics to come next week from this ex-Mennonite. Jordan and Starburst are safe, and get permission to leave the catwalk.

So, Colin, Kerryn, Amanda and Angrier-face are left.

The Motley Crew.

Colin has transformed himself so far, but the judges aren’t sure he can go all the way. HAH! Sex joke. Kerryn is fading. Amanda is full of excuses and bangs. Angrier-face has the drive but isn’t pretty, in photos or in real life. Also, did I just see Nicole change outfits while the judges were deliberating?

In the end, Colin and A Bangs are SAFE. Wow, what an upset!

Colin and A Bangs leave the catwalk, and Brandon gives Colin a very heterosexual congratulations.

Mmmm…bonerville.

The two eliminated are sad, and for Kerryn, she’ll always be a supermodel. I mean, in the eyes of the people from her small hometown. Yeah, I guess….

I’m BEAUTIFUL! (sob)

After being eliminated, Angrier-face turns to the dark side. Yes, modeling does create monsters, people! Angrier-face is so mad she’s gonna find someone who loves her for every aspec of herself. Oh, and she’s going to attack Salome for being fake before she leaves. Classy!

Next time, Barn Yard Animals and Models: The Way GOD intended.