Make Me a Supermodel: Suck in the Gut, Stick out the Butt!

This week, A Tarp guest judges.

Not surprisingly, said tarp has more personality than Tyson and all the models combined. Also, when the tarp goes through the film, he finds some excess nails and a sock. Also, this tarp wants to see more variety from Jonathan. Last but not least, the tarp hooks up with Salome while covering her ass for a Trunk show.

It’s ALL here on this week of Make Me A Supermodel!

Hey faithful watchers- here we are with another episode of ANTM. Uh, I mean, Make Me A Supermodel. Which is just like ANTM only BORING! BORING BORING! I can’t believe anyone is still watching this show but me, who has a contractual obligation to cover the show for Flipit and TVGasm*

*contract signed in a conglomeration blood and whiskey.

In this episode, the Mennonites kidnap Salome and I get too lazy to take the viewer controls out of my screen grabs.

Anyhoo, for some reason the models wake up while it’s still dark. Really? I thought models like to get all coked out and party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. I’d like to see that challenge. Actually, I think I did on an episode of Paris Hilton’s “my new BFF.” Yeah, that show was totally weird.

The weird computer emailer thingy tells the models that they’re going to be like polar bears. Like Polar Bears? Another makeover???

Salome, matter-of-factly, says “Know what Polar Bears like to do? They Like to Go into the water and get fish out of it.” Thank you, 3rd grade Salome, but may I remind you this is probably not going to be an eating challenge.

Mouhahaha, with her usual Brazilian distain and disaster-cloud of hair, gets annoyed at Salome already.

We both have short hair and are short of intellect.

Starburst is sorta ferklempt that Jordan is gone, and in other news, Salome tries to wear her skinny jeans to the polar bear challenge.

Better luck next challenge

The final five take the subway to the beach.

36 degrees awesome

Starburst complains for like 5 minutes how cold is not his thing, and then they meet up with Ty Ty and Nicole. As always, both look ridiculous and are dressed radically inappropriately. At the same time, this is upstaged by a mysterious blue tarp.

The Tarp in Question

“Totally a Dead Body.” Hot.

But before we get any answers, Ty Ty calls into question the makeover re-dos, or how the hair stylists decided to go back on Saloem and Jonathan’s makeover. Why? Because they sucked balls.

I prefer my hair looking fried and blonde, not fried and brown, thankyouverymuch.

And Salome? I dunno. She grooves on the bob cut, not the gradated bob.

“Back to the norm!!!” (laughs nervously laughs nervously)

Oh yeah, but I forgot to show you Ty Ty and Nicole, who look like a fifth grade boy and a gypsy slut, respectively.

It’s Dora the Explorer meets Grey Gardens

Tyson makes a lame joke about not being in Cancun, and FINALLY we get to know the challenge. Geez. The photographers shooting these puppies are some people that shoot…famous people. Wow.

My god, I hope these Photographers met Speed Dating.

Actually, Idrani is cute. Can she win Make me a Supermodel?

This isn’t a win just for me, but for Munchkins everywhere.

In a weird move by the editors, Idrani and that old guy are gone and Ty Ty and Nicole take off the tarp to reveal….

FISH HEADS FISH HEADS ROLY POLY FISH HEADS!

AND CRABS

AND THIS THING (Oh my!)

Apparently, the formal name for this bucket of crud is “Slimy things from the sea.”

Or as I like to call it, Sashimi.

So they have to deal with Salmonella AND the cold? Jesus Christ.

Ty Ty makes another fucking lame joke and then the models go to hair and makeup. So, business as usual!

Oh, here’s Jonathan’s pee-pee.

This penis made a baby

And here are some very undignified looking butts. I love the nudity, it takes the edge off the boredom.

Boy Butts!

Then they all get cheap hotel robes to wear.

Oh Salome.

Because they’re asking SO MUCH of these models to do a typical modeling job, Nicole brought in another Foxy friend, Jessica Gomes.

Insert creepy Starburst or Brandon comment here.

Jonathan is first, who is wearing some super depressing-looking shorts.

LIke baby clothes from a garage sale.

Jessica tells Jonathan to get messy, and then tells Starburst that his Poseidon idea is a great concept.

Though I like “The Black Flash Gordon” better.

Brandon looks a little Oafish in his black speedo, and Salome needs to suck in the gut, suck in the butt. Of course Salome gets the two piece thong and Mouhahahaha gets some dowdy silver number.

Just like my Grandma used to wear.

Salome goes first, and gets Eel-bangles. It’s the hottest new thing! Also, she looks pretty stupid smiling.

Yeesh.

Salome’s shots look hot, though- very twenties flapper meets Scurvied fisherwoman.

YES!

Hah- That shot isn’t going to be selling any swimsuits, though- just fish and Mennonite porn.

Jonathan is next, who describes his balls as “raisin-like.” Wow, on national television. Nice work, John!

He gets two big ‘ol fish!

How come he always looks so fucking mean and intense, though? I feel more and more like Jonathan is a one-trick pony.

One Trick Intensity Pony

Starburst is next, who gets squid-ed! At least he gets something covering his body.

Stinky!

The photographers are not diggin’ the ‘Burst. The ‘Burst don’t like to be confused or to be given direction. The ‘Burst don’t like loud tones or sea creatures. The ‘Burst is comin’ at cha!

Meh.

Next, Brandon gets to hold a fish as big as his body.

If he finishes the fish, he eats for free!

All in all, even though Brandon doesn’t have the body for swimwear, he gets it and takes a reasonably good shot.

Skinny Caught an ugly one!

Last and certainly least is Mouhahaha with her patented eel necklace.

Five for a dollar! Today only!

I love how Mouahahha always thinks that she “nailed” the shot. Okay, if you are SOOOO great, why do you look like an Ed Gorey Drawing with bad skin? Sorry, that was a semi-vague art reference.

Ew, Eel.

The photographers think Mouhahaha isn’t a natural, but that she tries hard. HA! She’s even Brazilian! Mouhahaha, in her snarky way, cuts Salome down by saying even if she wins the photo shoot, she might not do well in panel. Oh, Mouhahaha, get over yourself and go listen to the Clash, or something.

Or take a Clearasil Bath.

And I don’t know why she’s always taking about the pressure between her and Salome- it’s not just a competition between the two of you, just because you have vaginas. Yeah, a revolutionary thought, I know. I’m a gentlewoman philosopher who wrestles bears in her free time. Yeah, it’s just something I do.

Its sad, too, how Salome thinks Mouhahaha is a great friend. Aw, poor Salami.

The next day, Nicole brings the sushi shoot to the flat. Jonathan is amazed at his jumping ability, and Mouhahaha likes…herself. Brandon likes how he looks “mas-ca-lin” and Salome has a BIG ‘OL ASS SHOT. Jonathan gets snarky and says he can’t see any cellulite. Yow.

Starburst’s shot is sucky, though, and everyone knows it. Awkward!

SALOME wins the photo shoot…surprise surprise. I love how she says she felt “silent middle fingers” and is happy that she’s fat and keeps winning. She has to take Mouhahaha to the shoot with her (oh Mouhahaha, always the bridesmaid, never the bride!) and mispronounces portugese and is intimidated, generally.

yeah, this’ll end well.

But the guys get to do something, too- manual labor for Blue Dot Furniture!

on the way to the go-see, Mouhahaha refuses to help Salome pronounce the name of the designer. Wow, the claws are out, folks!

Mouhahaha tries to brownnose Amir, the designer, but he is not impressed. YES! And, the girls both look….um, terrible in their suits.

Erg.

The people at the agency are obviously impressed.

Can I interest either of you in any KASHI GoLean?

Then they try on little dresses, which goes a bit better. Theyr’e having a trunk show and they want both of the girls to be involved…but not in swimsuits. God, no. In dresses. Well, large sacks. Actually, tents. Congrats, girls!

Now take off my clothes and get the hell outta here.

At Blue Dot…sorry, BLU dot, the guys model the furniture and try to welcome people into the store. Jonathan does well at looking weird and creepy, and talking to young children in a furry hat.

YES! I would love a sip of your Frutatta!

Brandon, on the other hand, goes the route of hitting on women in a passive sort of way.

That ass looked nice. Hey, I’m legal!

Starburst just looked freakish with a typewriter and a weird hat.

Nice Work.

Then Starburst broke the desk, and was reminiscing about his cousins calling him “clums.” Uh, I guess it’s a Tobago thing.

When the vaginas and the penises reunite, Mouhahaha is happy to see the guys because she’s sick of Salome talking about her Mennonite days. Yeah, we all are. But at least she knows her limitations.

All of a sudden, Marlon shows up to take a look at their last shoot’s film and will nastily critique it. Nice! Maybe something exciting will occur…

Salome’s film looks nice, and Marlon wonders about touch-ups.

Mouhahaha’s body is nice, but she doesn’t seem to take the best photographs.

Jonathan, on the other hand, is praised for his range and his jumping abilities. Yawn. We get it- Jonathan rules.

Brandon is lean and generally twig-like, so he’s told to make shapes. insert sob story about middle school name-calling. Yawn.

Starburst does the same sorts of poses- muscular and safe. Also, standing. Wow, how original.

The next day at panel, the models learn that the winners of the episode will NOT receive immunity. The blondes come out, which are a guy and a guy in a dress. Here’s the one in a dress:

mmm, penis.

The models will be wearing two looks- high fashion and goth. Characters for both, but not ridiculous. Oh man- I hope its ridiculous!

The guys, in typical torturous costume, will be wearing the highest heels and the tiniest corsets. Starburst is officially worried. Hah!

Goth first! The Blonds watch with baited breath.

Actually, both look pretty hot.

Brandon looks like David Bowie with two black eyes.

The Part Brandon was born to play, baby.

Salome looked like a blow-up doll while Starburst looked like he was a weird zombie who got into the bleach.

Mmmm…Brains.

Mouhahaha also looks like a blow-up doll. And Jonathan? He’s a father. And, a provider. You know, a real guys guy.

A game show host from Hell.

Wait, that wasn’t goth? Christ. Okay, here we go….

Yow, my ribs hurt just looking at this picture.

Oh, and here’s Mouhahha taking a break from being an 8th grade punk rocker, for once.

Instead, a vegas showgirl.

Marlon says “oh la la baby.” Creepy.

Finally, panel. And what do these guys have to say? Well, first and best, Brandon. He looks great! Hah. But, you know, in a not gay way. It’s true, he’s like a goth Ken doll. Still, his picture is sucky and not swim suit-y. He’s…European. Sure, Jenny.

For Jonathan, he’s finally getting chided for looking extreme in EVERYTHING.

with guest judge, a white, skinny Sinbad.

Catherine wants to see more emotion. In general. From Jonathan.

For Salome, they dig the picture but the walk is SUCKY. She doesnt do the clothes justice, according to the judges.

For Mouhahaha, Jenny thinks she’s growing and she gets LUCKY with her clothing, which look awesome on her.

Starburst, like Salome, his a big ‘ol ass. His picture isn’t PLUCKY.

Ty Ty tells Starburst to not be so proper and Nicole digs the ladies’ personalities. And the judges go to their little judge-y table.

A judgey table for judgey things.

The sad thing is that Salome is fat and can’t walk. Or so the judges say. Mouhahaha’s finally doing some good and Starburst…well, he’s starburst. Jonathan is BORING. Sorry, that was me. Brandon is FINALLY getting better.

Anyhoo…..

Tyson does his “SHOCKED” look at seeing the elimination envelopes results, as usual.

Tyson is SO BORING. AUGH!

Moahahha is told that she’s evolved, but also that she has immunity, and can leave the catwalk. Jonathan is told it’s time to surprise the judges. Brandon did well, but needs more consistency. Brandon can leave, as can Jonathan, who wins the week. Surprise. It’s down to Salami-butt and Starburst.

More about how Starburst’s photo was shitty and how Salome’s walk is shitty. If Tyra was judging this, she’d tell them how they were standing here for “very different reasons.” And, very slowly.

And…

The SALAMI GETS CUT!

Unceremoniously, of course.

Next time, fire.

Thoughts????