Make Me a Supermodel: P.S., I Don’t Like Other Human Beings

Daddy Like.

This week on Make me a Supermodel, it’s all about passion. Threesome photo shoots make me TINGLY. The models contend with their own insecurities while in cute sailor suits, and the catwalk stresses a sort of ham-fisted role reversal….where the girls wear power suits and the guys wear skirts. And yeah, I still wanna do Colin. And CJ is still lame. Yay!

Hey Party Pee-holes! Welcome back for another episode of MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL! WOHOOO! SUPERMODEL-RY! FASHION! DRAMA! ANARCHY! SNARKY! BARKY! MALARKY! NOAH’S ARK-Y! And, eliminations.

Filling in this week for Catherine Mallandrino (who is, apparently, on permanent leave from the show)…Author and “fashion industry veteran” (aka, assistant) Kelly Clarkson. Uh, I mean, Kline. Klein! Is she related to Kevin Klein or Ann/Calvin? Either way, she’s super thrilled to be here.

Yipes, Models?

The models wake up to Tyson Beckford “acting” like a drill Sargent. Yeesh. I don’t know what’s worse- having to witness Tyson acting or waking up early. Amanda?

Acting! Definitely Acting!

Oh, and since y’all wanted more screen shots, here’s one of CJ looking, again, like an 8th grader.

Authority Figures SUCK!

Everyone’s walking around like they just got beat up and/or are zombies.

Welcome to Skinny Boy Junction.

They get into a big ‘ol flatbed truck and everyone reacts to this unsettling situation in their atypical ways. Amanda looks dumb and suprised as Gabe pouts and puts his arm around her. Salome talks about how being in the truck is just like being a Mennonite. Jonathan wonders why he’s here at all. Jordan bitches through her puckered-asshole mouth. Kerryn devises ways she can put Colin’s penis inside of her, and Colin laughs nervously. And, then, they arrive at a non-descript military base with non-descript military music playing in the background. Wohoo!

Joshua Kogan, the photographer, informs the models that they will be doing a shoot about getting naughty in the military. Which means, threesomes? Man, where do I sign up? I love god. And, my cunt. I mean, my country. God Bless America, and all the hot-ass men that reside inside of it!

As Amanda describes all the sexual tension and potential bathroom jack-offery, we get a lot of inserts of boys listening to the photographer’s speech.

Mmm…Boobs.

Ahhh, boobs.

Confusion.

Passion is the key in this shoot…and let me tell you, I WANT the models to BRING IT. Let’s see some cock n’ boobs n’ butts!!! Tyson tells the models that they’ll be doing sexy threesomes with each other (sorry, I BLEW MY LOAD earlier- tee hee!) and says it like he’s someone’s creepy dad being fucking creepy. Oh, Tyson. It’s a good thing you can earn money in this world without using your words, personality or intellect.

The first group is Mouahhaha, Gabriel and Starburst. Starburst keeps it creepy by voicing his distain for the threesome being two guys and a girl, then grinning and saying, “but you take what you can get, right?” Right.

I can feel his chicklet teeth gnawing on my body….

Group two is Jordan, Amanda (YES! The producers definitely did that) and Brandon, who leaps for joy. Gross. Brandon declares to the cameras that he’ll “stick my tongue down their throat.” Great.

Group tres is Colin, Salome and Angry-face. What? No Creepy commenting after the announcement of this group? Only Salome promising that Colin’s gonna be “torn up.” Boo. I want something that constitutes a restraining order.

The last group is Kerryn, Jonathan and CJ, who is obviously thrilled with the prospect of human interaction. Oh, wait, here’s another darling 8th grade still….

I will try to fit in a threesome after my Clarinet Lesson.

Jonathan politely declares that CJ is gonna suck in their shoot. Ah, the British.

Oh, and here’s another great screenshot for y’all- the classic thong over shirt combo.

Nice work, Angrier-face!

And Moahahahahah loves talking shit about Angrier-face’s fake boobies and Brandon’s big (right) belly. I can’t tell if I like her or if she’s obnoxious as fuck….

As Mouhaha’s group goes first, Kerryn drools over Colin in uniform. MMMMMM!

More Gratuitous Ass-grabbery!

Gabriel is SO BORING, pouting and the whole thing is looking more and more like a bad, sailor-themed porno.

Jordan, Amanda and Brandon are next, Jordan going on about how “cute” she looks. Blech. You know Jordan- I like you for a while, mostly until you picked a blond enemy and wouldn’t shut up about her.

Poor Brandon- he’s just the voyeur for this one…the producers (ahem, I uh, mean, creative photographers n’ the people making the decisions) decided to get the two rivals together to make out in fifties garb.

Yeah, smash those faces together. Passion!

Colin, Angrier-face and Salome look SO. AWKWARD. It’s not even like bad porno, but like amateur porno with Dad’s old military shit shot in the basement with the local Angry-faced librarian along for the ride.

Pretty!

At the same time, Colin brought it at the end….saving him from Elimination. Sigh. If only my vagina could save him from elimination.

Then, we switch gears to Amanda and Gaby-Baby’s awkward romance. Cripes- Amanda thinks she’s tainted because she has a kid (very 1950′s) and Gabe….I’m not sure he’s not semi-comatose, and just welcomes a little affection. Who knows? If Amanda can make Gaby-Baby act a little less pouty, it’ll all be worth something.

Human Affection!

Jonathan, in a rare showing of weakness, gets all distraught because he thinks he’s violating his wife or something by doing his JOB. yeah, Jonathan, modeling is your JOB. It’s what you wanna do. If you’re getting all discombobulated over other MODELS doing THEIR JOB, then this isn’t the business for you. Ugh, this is what I hate about these modeling shows- there’s always some asshole who takes everything for a little bit more than what it should be- a FUCKING JOB. I still like him, though, but c’mon!

CJ, of course, does terribly.

Maybe if I act dead the shoot will be over faster.

Then we learn Kerryn went to a Christian modeling school? Does an institution such as that actually exist? Seems counter-intuitive, to me. I mean, good Christian women should be dessimating their bodies having lots of good Christian babies. Am I right? All the Christian ladies? All the Christian ladies? Put your hands up in this hizzy!

Here’s another of CJ looking frightened.

Back in the Civilian world, Salome bitches about her butt. Man, now I sorta like her, because she’s LAZY like your old pal Monamonzano. And Jonathan won’t SHUT UP about him being worried about his wife. Blech. Nicole comes in with their pictures and….

…Despite Jonathan’s bitching and CJ’s near-constant laughing/discomfort, I dig the pic. Then more about Kerryn getting married and divorced. I wonder if that is before or after Christian modeling school?

Jordan, Amanda and Brandon’s pic looks….as it should, like two hot chicks kissing and an 18 year old boy oggling from afar.

Salome, Colin and Angry-face’s pic looks okay.

I’d like to see more of Colin…like his penis.

Gabriel, Mouhahahaha and Starburst get a little porno.

I’ve masturbated like 5 times to this photo since the episode aired.

Mouhaha also thinks she’s getting close to perfection after seeing a clipping of herself in some Montreal paper. Erg.

Jonathan wins the photographer’s pick challenge (but what would his wife say???) and Mouhahah is pissed because…well, she’s perfect, right? He brings Gabriel with him, probably just to make himself look better. They’re modeling underwear (yummy) at 2Exist men’s undie co/Fresh Pair Undie co. Hope Gaby-baby’s wearing a FRESH PAIR! GET IT?

Here’s a gratuitous shot of a gay man and Jonathan’s package.

Gay man LIKE!

Gabriel, on the other hand, doesn’t exactly Wow the gay men in the room. Too skinny and…uh, pouty?

A less flattering 2Xist shot.

Back at the model pad, Salome tries in vain to a. work out, and b. eat well. Still, if anyone needs lettuce from L’Ongostino, they deliver!

Cory Bautista comes to measure the models (before or after Chocolate Chip Cookie dough ice cream, I wonder?) Mouhaha gained an inch and gives the excuse of having her period. Salome gives the same excuse. Oops!

Then 2exist calls for Jonathan, and they booked him to be the face of their men’s panty line! Wohoo! Also, he needs to pass on the message that Gabe is a failure.

At the runway/judging, CJ bitches about not getting a “normal walk.” Also, Nicole makes Gabe feel bad for not booking the undie job.

This time on the runway, men rock skirts and women wear some pant and suit action.

CJ, of course, thinks it will be very difficult to make her a supermodel. NO SHIT. In her OWN WORDS, she doesn’t like to be looked at, talked about, touched, breathed upon, dressed, photographed or people acknowledging her existence.

Perfect for her Debut in “Forever Fosse.”

Tyson and Nicole dig Salome’s walk, though not necessarily her backfat. Mouhaha thinks she’s awesome, as usual. Blech, I don’t like her anymore, though I did like how she made fun of Angry-face’s titties looking like pomegranites. they dig Kerryn’s walk, and CJ sucked, as usual.

I love that lame catwalk song that ends with “listen to the bass” that they played when the first song runs out at both this catwalk and last episodes….what is that???

Anyhoo, Jordan does okay, I guess, for being a big ‘ol bitch. Gabriel looks THE SAME. ALWAYS.

Are you lost, little boy?

Jonathan rocks it, and Amanda has her “deer in the headlights” thing down.

Colin, Angry-face, Salome, Amanda, Jordan and Branden all are safe and may leave the catwalk.

Jonathan gets chided for posing too much, though he did well, and they loved his little photo, too. Of course that weirdo photographer asked them if they were drawing from experience, and all three in Jonathan’s photo shoot (and, that were all on the catwalk for being good n’ shitty) defiantly make known that they would never, ever have a threesome. Jonathan, because his wife would cut and fry up his balls. CJ, because she hates human beings. Kerryn? Because she want to a CHRISTIAN MODELING SCHOOL! CHRISTIAN!

Jenny likes Kerryn a lot in her photo and her walk.

The judges think that CJ looks like a frottophiliac, or someone who likes to rub all up on people for sexual arousal. Wha? I guess that makes me a frottophiliac, huh? I like rubbing. Rubbing one out!

Everybody digs Starburst on the runway, but his photos need improvement, as does his general creepiness.

Everyone is amazed that Gabriel can SMILE, in other news.

Mouhahaha had a shitty catwalk and a shitty photo, though she thinks otherwise. What? A picture in the paper? Oh, so now you’re Cindy Crawford? Nice work, Mohahaha. Yeah, squeeze out some tears, mouhahaha. Take that ego down a notch!

Overall Tyson thinks the Gents did well. Nicole wants CJ to HIT THE ROAD. No confidence!

The judges deliberate, and Jonathan is safe! Kerryn gets immunity, and hopefully not Colin’s V card (that’s for me!) Starburst and Mouhaha are safe, which leaves lame Gaby-baby and “I hate people” CJ.

here’s an example of Gabe showing some emotion on the horizon of a potential elimination:

Boring McPouterstein.

And CJ gets the BOOT! See ya, lame-ass! Sorry you ain’t a blonde no more.

Next week: Trouble in paradise! Gabe and Amanda have a lover’s quarrel and Salome almost drowns??? YES!