More to Love: Broken Bikes and Broken Farts

Love can be both fat and crazy.

This week on more to love, Luke takes Christian and Mandy out dancing, because he is racist. Then he takes Malissa on a tandem bike, because he is prejudiced against bikes. Then, he takes the rest of the girls to the beach because he hates the moon. Yes, this shit gets REAL, and fast. Bikes are broken. Hearts are broken. Farts are sounded. Well, they’re sounded in the large laser light show ampatheatre that is my mind.

Hey Bitches! The griddle’s heating up with this week’s more to LOVERS. A litter of six, to be exact. Last week, between fat, sweat and tears Lucky Luke sent bitch-ass Lauren and the Virgin Melissa home.

But not me (sob). I’m FUN!

Christian, to my ultimate dismay, still stays. And, she’s apparently going into hibernation for next season, as evidenced by her love for butter and waffles.

The Los Angeles winters are notoriously harsh.

Melissa makes a snarky comment (what? NO SHIT) about all the other girls going home. Still, Christian waddles back into the room with a NOTE from LUKE! LUUUUUKKKKEE! Of course, Christian goes apeshit. NOTES! With gay-ass handwriting!

aformentioned gay-ass handwriting

Oh, and here’s Christian, acting as if she just won the lottery, or got a good grade on her book report based on acclaimed young adult novel, “The Outsiders.”

Dance, pony girl! DANCE!

Heather is getting worried that everyone’s super fucking comeptitive, and she should be. Did you just see Christian? She bit the head off of a bat to get a one-on-one with Luke! Tali? She assembles guns. I mean, even Anna’s half zombie! (see last post).

These bitches are crazy.

Anyhoo, Luke’s gay note says Mandy Mcboring and Christian Crazyowitz are going dancing with Luke later that day. Whoopee. Luke says he’s taking Mandy and Christian on the dancing date because “they’re the two best dancers in the house.” What? Mandy’s a dance instructor and Christian is like, BLACK (sorta).

God, LUKE. You should be ashamed.

That’s so RACIST.

The racially-bised man and dates in question.

God, Luke should be ASHAMED. But I digress into racial verisimilitude. DANCE DATE!

Meanwhile, boring Mandy is distinguishing herself from the rest of the group with some extremely saggy titties.

Push those up, Mando. Long beach is watching!

Christian ADORABLY quotes Julia Roberts with “I’ve got moves you’ve never seen,” while going on and throwing some Steel Magnolia quotes in for good measure. Oh, that Christian. She loves her girl flicks.

I embroider pillows with Julia Roberts’ face on them. Eeee! I’m 12.

Then, some hot-ass looking dancers come out. I love this part of the show, where the fatties are FORCED to interact with people not of their ilk (aka, in shape) and they feel shitty about themselves ALL OVER AGAIN. Oh, it’s a cruel, cruel world…

..but someone has to be there for second and third helpings.

Let the awkward dance montage commence. First, Christian looks like a little girl who got her first daquiri at her Dad’s business party.

My body feels funny when Uncle Billy gave me that bitter drink!

Then, commence dancing with Luke.

This is almost what fat people sex looks like, only without the flimsy layers of clothing.

Naturally, Mandy is pissed and wants to beat that dumbass smile off Christian’s face. Yeah, you and me both, Mandy McBoring. Prop those titties up and grab your lame man!

Or, watch lie to me on Monday the 28th.

Then Mandy goes and shows that indeed, sometimes people are racist and assume black people can do things that they can’t! Not me, I’m not racist. Fuck you guys! I HATE YOU! (weeps).

Back at the house, the girls decide to make cupcakes, eat them, and maybe leave Luke one or two. YARF!

Malissa: Scheming or Hungry?

Then, Luke gives his inevitable “I could get used to this!” Comment which makes Mandy and Christian feel good. Yeah, Luke, I could get used to being the star of a reality TV show, too, with dozens of cameras, free drinks, unlimited steak and potato salad and lots of emotionally greedy women grappling for real estate around your (probably) 4.5 inch penis. Yeah, we could ALL get used to that, you fucker.

But I digress. Lucky Luke wants his one on one time with Christian, first, and Mandy’s quickly on the road to bitch. Yeah, it’s like the road to wellville, only without Matthew Broderick and with MORE corn flakes. Get it? MORE! Cereal. Fat people. No, I’m not racist.

Oh, check out Luke’s douchey hairdo:

…and gross unbuttoned shirt. What a catch!

He goes on about treating a woman right, and I can smell Christian’s juices flowing, the titilating thoughts of commitment and peanut butter sandwiches dancing through her mind.

Also, she’s in love after a prominent display of fat humping fat. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone…

…but with fat people.

Then they make out some more, while Mandy mistakenly walks in, probably wanting seconds on some plantains or some shit. Whoops.

Seriously…I wanted to claw that bitch’s face OFF!

But Mandy isn’t the agressive kind, she’s the “I’m a depressed eater so-I-lock-myself-in-the-bathroom” kind. Oh, Mando. There there.

…I thought it was the kitchen….

Is she serious? Does MANDO really feel threatened by CHRISTIAN, the wide-eyed 12 year old who salivates every time she sees Luke’s pasty face or a pastry?

First of all, she’s like 40 lbs lighter than Christian and way less psycho…I think. Who knows what happens when these Ladies smell Luke-musk or a baked apple pie? They’re loaded guns, people.

Back at the Phat Pharm, the ladies pretend like the date was peachy, and not a battle-of-who-Luke-likes-more.

We feel so..dirty.

Oh, also Luke finds FOUR cupcakes from the girls. Boring. Let’s see some punches fly.

Christian? I know you’ve got a couple good slaps waiting.

Christian wants Luke all to herself, and gets pissed that the girls got bored and made Luke a giant card and food.

The other girls are oddly overwhelmed by their gift.

The next day (it’s so hard to tell with these things!) Malissa gets a gay-ly written note saying Luke is going to take her on a helicopter ride. Ohh, let the condescending comments commence! Oh but first, how about a terrible shirt and some terrible facial hair to titilate the senses?

Don’t mind if I do!

Gross, that shirt, that body, all over our poor sweet Malissa. It’s a crime- of PASSION! Oh but wait, our bitch Malissa has an equally ugly ensemble to match her man’s:

Thinning.

I’m pretty sure a Shaman gave her those earrings, to up her bitchy entitlement quota and get her into the final two. Am I clairvoyant? I might be. Lots of people have told me so. When I say people I mean my mom. Because she’s awesome.

The other girls feel like FECES, though. Especially psycho Christian! SHE WANTED THAT DATE! WOE IS HER!

I’m going to go to my room, listen to plain white Tees and cut myself (YAWL!!)

At the Helicopter-place, Malissa and Lucky Luke waste no time making out in the cabin.

Mmm, smells like recycled farts in here.

Of course, there needs to be a break within the helicopter ride itself so the young bucks can eat.

Mmm, smells like recycled farts in this romantic vineyard.

Back at the ranch, Christian gets her paws on another note, this one for Tali, Heather and Anna. Fun in the sun! Of course, Tali is acting up all prissy, and doesn’t want to get into another bathing suit on national television.

You and me both, sister.

Still, Tali’s the prettiest one in here, if you like chesty schoolmarmish Israelis. Back in fart Vineyard…

More smooching and some cork-popping, and I don’t mean Luke’s penis.

Well, maybe I do.

Oh man, and now the equivalent of belly dancers and svelte Salsa dancers? HOW ABOUT A FUCKING TANDEM BIKE! Nice work, producers, you’ve finally redeemed yourselves after like a thousand and one dates poolside.

Whee!

It’s like we’re in a genital herpes commercial, but are FAT!

Also, apparently vineyards nowadays have horses. And, other creatures.

Whatever, as long as you don’t ride us.

What the fuck am I doing here?

A crazy Herpes commercial with fat people, tandem bikes and zoo animals? Man, it’s like I’m in my own private fantasy, only without the buckets of creamed corn (hey, the date isn’t over yet) and fifteen large Filipino men.

OH SHIT, this couldnt’ve gotten any better, though…

until it did.

And….

THE BIKE BREAKS.

BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAA!

Bike on strike.

Man, when a bike starts SCREECHING IN PAIN FROM LARGE AMOUNTS OF ASS FAT, GET OFF. Of course, Luke, in all his secure awesomeness, laughs it off. Whatever. Just because he’s semi-secure with his weight doesn’t mean he’s not a total douche.

Then, Malissa still wants to make out with him.

Yay! We broke a bike…together.

Then, a lot of time is spent back at the house with Malissa haughtily recounting the dates’ uber-romantic events (like zebras and bike-breaking) and then she says that she thinks she’s FALLING IN LOVE. Naturally, Chrisitian is thrilled.

I will kill you and then eat you.

Later, with titties afloat in the hot tub, Christian again asserts her love for Luke, making poor Heather feel even more insecure than she already does.

But what IS love? Baby, don’t hurt me.

The next day, the girls are feeling insecure on the beach, but they all weakly feign excitement when Luke asks them if they like the beach.

Yeahhh….

Luke smells the stink of insecurity and he don’t dig it. Still, come on. These are FAT CHICKS ON THE BEACH ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Why don’t you cut the ladies some slack, asshole?

To cut the tension- Anna looking pretty.

Gross, then Luke squirts sunscreen on the girls in a display of erotic fat affection, and the rub it on Luke provocatively. It’s like a bad porno foursome for chubby chasers. Man, I wish we had onlooker reaction shots.

Or if they could just…stop it.

Then Tali and Luke have a serious long talk on the beach.

A serious talk about current events, mojitos, the weather.

Tali thinks she has a strong connection with Luke, and that he’s the fat-ass for her. Then Luke keeps saying how deep Tali is, and how his tongue explores the farthest reaches of her throat.

A completely new Tali, complete with make-out action.

At the house, the girls are still agonizing. By agonizing, I mean agonizing and by girls I mean Christian.

The next one on one at the beach is Anna, who tells Luke she doesn’t wanna jump into marriage in a month. What? That’s the first piece of non-bullshit I’ve heard for the whole run of this show! SHIT! It’s like, I feel weird about truth, after enduring this much bullshittery and facade.

Then, of course, they make out.

Truth: the ultimate aphrodesiac.

Luke likes “the kisses that they share” and “looking into each others’ eyes.” BO-RING. Does she make your little dick hard, luke? Does she????

Heather is next and shows off her super sexy insecurity. OH, Malissa’s date was soooo good. Ohhh, dating other girls. Luke’s dick isn’t having ANY of it. Where’s Anna and her magical truth serum when Lucky Luke needs it??? Ah, the beach. I was hoping for more drama, but all I got was….

surprise surprise…

insecurity. BLARG!

On a more positive note, at this point in the show Luke is fully clothed.

Hooray for the big and tall store!

At the cocktail hour of doom, Luke sits down with Mandy, who isn’t as boring in that she tells her WHOLE FUCKING LIFE STORY, complete with eating disorder. Wowza. I’d be surprised if ONE of the girls didn’t have one growing up, for bejesus’ sake. Is that wrong to say? Maybe. Still, these women are all APESHIT. They need therapists, not gross-ass Luke, with his helicopter farts and hazardous treatment of bikes.

Truth: the ultimate aphrodesiac.

Then Luke has some happy happy fun fun time with Anna, who coincidentally is looking definitively not like a zombie, but then Luke has some fun time…with…the riddler? Christian wants to break big news to Luke (yawn) , but she wants to do it creepily, three times, in three different languages. Touche, riddler!

Riddle me this crazy-eyes….why aren’t you sent home yet?

Of course, Luke is “flattered,” which is code word for “the feeling isn’t mutual.” Duh, crazy. Then the crazy rubs off on Tali and she NEEDS to go talk to him. Christ. Then he quells her questions with some more “listen to your hearts” mumbo jumbo. Then, it’s time to take off the rings and give them to Emme.

And hey, we haven’t had crying in a couple of milliseconds.

Yeah, everyone’s all discombobulated, I get it, I get it, editors! Stop it with all your high-angle shots and dramatic cutaways! You’re TWEAKING MY MIND!

Finally, it’s time for some elimination-ing. First person who is released from the agony that is waiting and pouting profusely in front of the cameras is ANNA.

Truth works! It works!

Then Malissa feels confident and, surprise surprise, she gets her damn ring back.

Break my bike, but don’t break my heart.

The other girls look like they’re gonna shit bricks.

or punch someone.

Or pee one’s self.

Mandy gets the next ring a ding ding.

One left. Here comes the shitstorm!

…but I told you I loved you in three languages…

AND TALI GETS THE LAST RING!

Of course, the editors do a little Heather montage, who goes out with good grace and lots of drippy mascara.

…I swear I’ve never felt this confident…

I’m gonna miss that weeping willow! But crazy Christian, that’s a different story. She still tries to get in Luke’s XXXL pants before she goes, but sorta sweetly. Eerg.

…but I will eat you and take your soul.

And then she leaves and Luke…runs after her? God, are you kidding me? Show off a little for the cameras, Mr. Knight in shining armor. And then they cry together for another 15 minutes.

Yawn.

THen she blames rejection on her being the biggest girl in the house. REALLY? ON A FAT SHOW? COME ON.

Thank god that’s over with!

Next time, with the final four…

Wow, more crying. More jealousy. FAMILIES! Nice.