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Four ladies, Four rings. Lots of fuckin’ tears.
This week, the ladies go on individual dates and…surprise surprise…meet their parents or relatives at the date. Sounds like a TON of fun. Drama amongst the girls and Malissa’s general deviousness make for another episode of…you guessed it: tears and hate-eating.
Well, fuckfaces, we’re back and with new offensive content! Sorry I was late on this puppy…I had to find some skinny bitches and offend them. Also, I had to do things like work and binge drink and paint in a neo-classicist style. Yeah, just your normal shit.
Anyhoosier….this week we’re down to the top four fatties: Anna the Zombie, Tali the puckered butthole fashionista, Mandy Mcboring and Malissa the fat schemer.
That shaving cream has to cover a LOT of surface area.
Lucky Luke is excited to be freaking the girls out by invading their personal space and asking uncomfortable questions. Awesome! Who is first?
Tali Tali Bo-Bali
Tali. Sweet. Mandy waddles down to the Key corral to get the note that says “it’s a race to the finish line,” or some such fucking thing. Christ, it’s like Lucky luke is writing in his lucky gay handwriting to some very lucky, very chunky fifth graders.
Tali gets ready while Mandy watches in eager anticipation.
I’m going to fill your shampoo bottles with Nair. Bye, bitch!
Tali yammers on about how she’s a big girl and how she likes a fat-ass dude to “contain her body.” Well, okay, I guess, how like, peanut butter is contained by a cheap plastic tub? Ahh, that makes more sense and YEAH, I’m like a fucking modern day Wordsworth.
Catwalk. More like FATWALK!
God, I’ve wanted to make that joke forever, but there haven’t been any fashion challenges yet. Boo! There you go.
Lucky Luke decides to take Tali Go-Kart racing to see if she can have fun. What, a near constant string of pool parties wasn’t enough? Fine.
The first time a limo has ever been in the “K1-Speed” parking lot.
Tali talks about how she’s not really “open,” “fun,” or “friendly” in general, but she’s determined to show Luke that she can pose as fun, if only for a couple of hours.
and only if they fit in the go-Karts
Of course the militant israeli gets SUPER competitive. Geez. Sexy?
Then, Tali talks a lot about being fat? Shit. That’s a friggin’ change of pace? How about talking about how people made fun of you all the time? Check. And how you just want to be loved for what’s on the inside? Check. And, you know, how just because I’m fat I have a lot to give. Check.
Then to disqualify all the fat girl stereotypes, Tali overlooks her family when they bring her a plate of burgers. Yes, you heard me right- her aunt and uncle bring out FOOD and Tali is so focused on the FOOD that she doesn’t even see their faces in light of the FOOD. You know what? A skinny person would never do that. Sorry- that’s a fat person’s thing.
As is crying a lot.
Luke says something insightful like “meeting someone’s family tells a lot about that person.” Christ, you’re brilliant, Luke. So they meet Tali’s Aunt and Uncle. Tali’s aunt looks like your general Israeli, while Tali’s Uncle looks a little…how do I put this? Skinhead-ish.
The odd couple?
Then they talk a lot about how different Israel is from America. Really? No shit. This is where I would typically put a lot of old photos of me visiting Israel as a sixteen year old with my jewish youth group, but I’m simply not fat enough. Instead, here is Tali, her Aunt, and a shitload of food.
All we need are like, 8 milkshakes.
Back at Saddlebag ranch….
Mandy gets her first one on one, and it’s supposed to be a “Calm” night.
Not with the five frappuccinos I’ve just ingested. NO NO NO! (GUFFAW)
Malissa, of course, gets some snide comment in about Mandy being hyperactive. What? Are you kidding me? I didn’t even notice the bitch until the last EPISODE. She’s like a glass of warm, whole milk in a refrigerator of other high-fat dairy products. Puh-leeze!
Back at go-kart ville, I marvel at Tali’s hair.
A beautiful jewish lioness
For reals, the bitch may be fat, but she has gorgeous hair! Just saying…so you commentors don’t ever say I didn’t ever compliment these fatties. Check!
Probably to hide those ears, though…
like a beautiful jewish elephant
Tali’s aunt and uncle talk a lot about how Tali’s grandparents are orthodox, but who really gives a shit? It’s like the jewish equivalent of having super racist, republican whitegrandparents- it’s like everyone’s grandparents, being all old and bitchy and demanding. Just, you know, with falafel and shit.
Luke drops Tali Tali Bo-Bali back off at the fatgirl house of blues and grabs Mandy Mandy bo-Bandy. Anna and Malissa look really excited for her.
Chairs? We ate them.
Malissa decides to mind-fuck Mandy, which basically means asking some questions about how they get along. Damn you, you conniving little cruller-faced Malissa! You and your questions!
Now I have to do my makeup all over. I HATE MY LIFE!
Luke and Mandy start their date and Luke’s hair looks like he was trying to eat a twizzler that got wedged in an electrical socket.
I totally ate it, though.
They embark on a really relaxing evening on a houseboat and let the relaxation envelop them. Hey, know what I like to do on a relaxing evening? Totally spend time with my parents and my date. Yeah, for like a whole night. Apparently, that’s also Luke’s definition of a relaxing date. Hey, I should date LUKE! Wait, I’m like 200 lbs to thin. Also, I like myself.
Mandy does her Zombie impression.
Nice first one-on-one with Mandy, cassanova. But it’s okay, give mandy something to eat and she’s happy as a clam.
Shrimp rolls? NUMMERS!
Then we find out that Luke’s dad is a BUTCHER. That explains a lot, especially how extensive his meat locker is. Back at the house the girls think that they’re gonna be the final three, because Mandy is borderline psychotic. What? this is the girl that got like, cut out of every episode because she’s boring as shit. Wha?
Luke then asks Mandy’s parents if she’s ready for MARRIAGE, and they (as normal, sane parents might say about their twenty-five year old chunky daughter who is currently a contestant on a reality television show about dating) say that she’s probably ready for a relationship.
Or, like, maybe a slimfast plan?
God, parents can be total downers, can’t they. Boo parents boo! I can like, totally get married and like, will. Yeah, because I’m a MATURE ADULT. (WEEPS). In fact, I’m gonna marry this fat fuck, just to show you! Yeah! Screw parents!
Next date is for Anna Banna Bo-banna. We get her truncated story of woe about grown up….tomboy who played a lot of sports…blah blah blah…sorta cleans up well…blah blah blah…likes her self. I guess. Luke digs her hot bod and her perchance for looking like a zombie.
Yes, get distracted. I will eat your brains.
They go bowling at lucky strike and Anna talks about how when she was in summer camp she liked to bowl instead of socializing. Very sexy, Anna. Luke likes bowling because it gives him an opportunity to be bear-like, palming the ball like a panda and becoming a liability for the lanes. Nice.
These lanes feature unlimited bamboo shoots and salmon.
Back at Phat Farm, Malissa gets her final gay date note and, if I may add, is looking quite douchey today.
Ed Hardy, XXXXL!
Luke wanted to show off his skills, but he’s so enamored by Anna’s pre-pubescent antics and half-backless red shirt.
Complete with strange bra lines.
here’s them awkwardly making out.
After a bowl in the rompus room, Anna gets her second surprise of the evening (the first being the bottomless bowl of mozzarella sticks and blindsiding Luke with her stink of sex): HER PARENTS!
Looks like it runs in the family
They talk a lot about Anna’s budding plus size model career….yeah, it’s a HUGE industry. Like her!
Apparently, Anna might leave for London or Milan or gay paris and leave Lucky Luke out in the cold. Really? Is he REALLY concerned about her career? I guess so. In the end, the looming question remains: will Anna want a second helping of chicken wings before or after dessert?
Love on an escalator…
God these dates are lame and boring. Malissa? Let’s add some snark and some frosted eyeshadow, shall we?
Oh, we shall.
One thing I like about Malissa is that she never shys away from an obscene amount of cleavage. You go girl!
Text covers indecency
Luke creepily oogles Malissa’s tit-region and salivates a little. Gross!
They drive very far, according to the editors of the show (they pass a sunset, a freeway and a mountain range all on one drive!) and land at…a restaurant. Nice.
At the restaurant, Malissa tells Luke that she new she’d be around for a while and that they’re going to have really good looking kids. Wow, these women have social skills like a Panda does physics. Yeah, another panda reference. Deal with it!
I’m busy dealing with TITS.
They do a little kinky wine tasting whereas Malissa puts on a blindfold and Luke sneaks in the white trash sister patrol!
Malissa asks Luke “if he planned this?” No, Malissa, they wandered into the same generic wine-tasting place in southern california and just mistakenly got seated at your table. Also, you’re a genius.
more text over tit
The trashier of the sisters tells it like it is…”are you a cheater?” “got any kids?” “want somma mine?”
When my boyfriend gets out of jail, I’ll have him first pay me child support and then I’ll have him kill you.
The trashy sister complains that Malissa hates kids (HAH!) and never babysits. Wow, I bet Luke can’t wait to marry into this winning genetic strain.
Geez, they scrutinize Luke so hard for being Jerry Springer stand-ins.
Fine, get married. But you best be babysittin’ my kids, bitch.
Malissa is beaming because Luke asks Malissa’s sisters what they would say if he proposed marriage. Of course, she flaunts it in front of the other ladies, because she is a bitch.
Of course, Mandy freaks at this and cries. Also, the sky is blue.
Then, there is the inevitable, jealousy-laden mixer. Now with less fat people! (4, to be exact)!
Of course, Mandy runs to luke with her hurt feelings. He holds her hand and makes everything okay. Yeah, she’s needy. Now he realizes this?
fat hands and fat hearts
Malissa goes to chit-chat with Luke, which also makes Mandy insecure because she thinks he’s super attracted to her, which he is, at least to her gi-normous mammaries.
Malissa plays damage control with the whole “she hates kids” thing. She says that she…you know, likes kids. Only, like, her own. But like, not as babies. Also, only if they’re trained. And, you know, are in boarding school most of their lives. But you know, she’s a mom at heart, right? Right.
Ladies, drop your rings! One of you isn’t getting your midnight snack tonight.
Ring bowl would be better used for snacks, or as a festive hat.
And Luke, at his prized elimination station makes a gallant speech about how wonderful this week was.
A flattering low angle.
Malissa finally uses the word “tactics” and we see that her face is scratched, cat fight, anyone?
Very Dr. Evil of you, Malissa. If that IS your real name.
Malissa gets the first ring. Gross.
Don’t cry don’t cry please don’t cry.
Tali Bali Bo Bali gets the second ring. Nice.
The third….? OH GOD THE THIRD….??????
The third ring goes to Mandy McBoring. Wow…no more Anna? Who will I make zombie jokes about? Sad.
Luke just didn’t think they had the right chemistry or lifestyles. Ah well.
Hawaii. Fat girl style.
Do they eat churros in Hawaii?