The City: Freddy Fackelmayer’s Father and the Photography Fiasco

This week on The Shitty: Waspy brings his d-bag of a dad on a date with Whitney. Their second date. Roxy and Olivia work together on a project. Well, Roxy works, at least. And Jay returns. Wheeeeeee.

So, over at Peep’s Revolution, Kelly tells the gang that there’s an upcoming event with Elle (it’s called the . . . Long Schlong? I can’t understand her. Plus, she’s holding and stroking a tiny chihuahua like she’s freaking Blofeld or Dr. Evil).

Please don’t eat me.

The camera focuses on Whitney as Kelly obviously voice-overs about how the goal is to sell bags for the foundation. Roxy and Whitney are put in charge of coordinating the event and it turns out Olivia will be meeting them. But ohmigod who needs to discuss work when it turns out Jay has been calling Whitney! And I’m a little confused by what Whit’s talking about, but there’s a mention of a “sort of” booty call and “hitting it and quitting it,” so I guess they met? And now Whit wants to meet Jay to explain that she’s over him, and this is the last episode he’s scheduled to appear in because his contract wasn’t renewed. Credits.

At Elle, Erin is on the horn talking about the UK and Angelina and Brad, and then gives Olivia info on the Longchamp event. Aah, so that’s what it is. Anyway, the event has something to do with the . . . Kitchenette foundation? What is it with these people and completely unpronounceable names? Olivia’s like, “Kitchenette is a good friend of mine,” and Erin awesomely completely ignores her. And then Erin tells her to make sure they get good pictures and crap. And Olivia goes, “It’s a cocktail party,” which sounds like she’s making fun of the event, which, in front of your boss? Not cool.

You got a problem with the cock or the tail, you frigid twig?

It’s time for some relaxing yoga, which is totally interrupted by Whitney telling Sam about Jay calling her. And then the yoga instructor goes all 7th grade home room teacher on their asses and says, “Is everything okay, ladies?” Awesome. After yoga, Whit talks more about Jay to Sam, who says that she needs to get over him and keep dating Waspy Wasperson from last week, and when Whit asks if Sam is okay with that, she insists she totally is. And of course she is, because this is The City, which is the decaffeinated version of the espresso that is The Hills. Whit has to go home to get dressed for a fancy date with Waspy.

At some restaurant, Waspy and his dad, Fridolin Fackelmayer (um . . . wow) sit waiting for Whitney. His dad is from, I’m guessing, some Scandinavian country. Waspy tells his dad that Whit doesn’t know that he came with. I’m sorry, but that’s just a really shitty thing to do, Waspy. And you know what? I might break up with someone if they ever did that to me on THE SECOND DATE. I mean, WTF? Waspy goes, “I haven’t introduced you to a girlfriend in a long time.” Holy crap, “girlfriend?” This guy is needier than a premature puppy. And dude, he still looks really, really crazy. And tan.

Welcome to the Sherri Shepherd show.

When Whitney arrives, she actually handles herself well. Turns out Fridolin works for a company that “manages money.” Oh, THAT company. Yeah, real specific Fridolin. Also, *cough* money laundering *cough*. I can see where Waspy gets his craziness. He asks Whitney to tell his dad about her clothing line, and she says that you have to get investors to raise money, and Fridolin is all, It’s a hard time to raise money. Uh huh. And yet, you’re able to eat at expensive restaurants and keep your house in the Hamptons and hire someone to drive you around all the time, eh Fackelmayer? Recession or not, it pisses the hell out of me when uber rich people complain about the economy.

Waspy says he’s proud of Whitney, and Fridolin Fackelmayer snorts a very derisive laugh and says he has to leave because his car is waiting for him. Yeah, times are rough, eh Fackelmayer? Go buy some overpriced art, Euro Trash. Instead of asking, like all rational people, “What the hell was that all about?! Your dad? On the second effing date?!” Whitney’s just all demure and asks how soon in a relationship he usually breaks out the parents. Ten bucks says he texts “I Miss U” to her 2 minutes after he leaves.

Can I have your number?

How many freaking ads is MTV online going to play between acts? And who the hell is Cobra Starship and why should I care about a band with an incredibly horrible name? Finally. We’re back to the mediocrity. At the Longchamp store, Roxy, Whit, Erin, and Olivia collide in a big mess of fashion and boring, in order to plan the Kitchenette/Long Schlong event. Erin gives them the low down on the jazz combo and crap. Ooooh, the Ktchen ART foundation. I think. Again, it’s IMPORTANT THAT THE PRODUCTS GET SOLD BECAUSE IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE!

You know what I think? There’s an overstock on these bags and they aren’t selling like they should. Solution? Just mark them down and sell that crap for charity to guilt people into buying them. Erin explains the Kitchenette history and junk, and then voice overs assignments: Roxy is to help the photographer and Olivia can help her out (Olivia looks ever so pleased at this). And . . . I don’t know what Whitney is supposed to do. Roxy asks Erin if she’s the go-to person if they have any questions and Erin’s like, “Absolutely,” and Olivia pipes up snottily, “And me.” Ugh. Gross. And I just realized that People’s Revolution is basically event planning.

Over at Whitney’s apartment, she and Roxy are seriously attempting to do the Single Ladies dance. Which is kind of funny, but really, really old. I mean, I know they didn’t film this, like, yesterday, but still. It came out in November of last year, people, and it’s an awesome song, but give it a rest already. Then Whit tells Roxy about Fridolin Fackelmayer (it’s just really fun to say, people). Whit’s hair looks really, really good. Roxy says, “Ew, that’s weird!” Which turns into a conversation about Jay’s mom because she’s cool and sells sex toys, which turns into a conversation about Jay and how he told Whit to watch out for guys like Waspy, which turns into a conversation about Waspy and how he knows Olivia (of course he does!) and they’ll both be at the Long Schlong event tonight. Roxy asks if Waspy is a “socialite.” Hee. And yeah. He is.

Whit does.

Oooh, it’s time for the event! How exciting . . . less. People mill about and Kelly introduces herself to Erin. Olivia pretends to know something. And, just when you thought you’d heard every pretentious name in the country, here’s Kipton Cronkite, the (from the looks of it) tween who founded KiptonART (oooooh, okay. Got it.) because he lives on a trust fund and it’s just, like, so boring to go sailing on his yacht every day, and he needed something pretentious to fill his time. Fine, yes, it’s a cause that supports artists, which is great. But still, you guys . . . he’s twelve. And he named the charity/cause after himself. He thanks Long Schlong and Elle for the event. Waspy shows up; Whit introduces Roxy to Waspy, and he’s really underdressed, I have to say. Also, shouldn’t Roxy be, I don’t know, working? Waspy puts his arm around Whit as if to say, “Yeah, everybody — this? Is mine.” He says he’ll make the fact that he brought his d-bag of a dad on a date up to her. Whitney, sweetie, just run. Far, far away.

Look what he’s done to your nose. Get rid of him.

Erin and Kelly talk. I guess Kelly used to work for Spin a long time ago, and left because she wanted her own company. Which she started when she was 22. Erin speaks for the rest of us when she says, “No way.” And Kelly didn’t want to work for clients that she didn’t believe in. Um, okay. We’re done here.

Olivia tries to lead Roxy somewhere, but I really don’t think she knows where she’s going. She introduces Roxy to the photographer, and then just walks away. Roxy walks up to Erin and complains about this, and asks Erin how she deals with it. Erin’s like, Either she’s going to be a team player or she’ll be gone. “I’ll see to that.” Oooh, dip. Olivia does the European cheek kiss thing to (I think) Kipton Cronkite and is like, Oh today was a nightmare, I’ll tell you about it. Yeah. I’m sure he’s dying to hear all about it, O-Dawg.

Back at Whit’s place, Roxy’s like, Ugh, Olivia. Whit doesn’t understand how she still has a job. Oh, Whit. Poor, innocent, Whit. Look around you. At the cameras. This is how ALL OF YOU still have jobs. Roxy: “She’s an idiot.” Not that I love Roxy or anything, but you can always count on her to tell it like it is. Whit has gone 13 seconds without talking about herself, and that is just the limit! So she tells Roxy that Waspy apologized for the Fridolin Fackelmayer fiasco. Roxy says something about him concerns her. “You know when you just get those feelings, like, something is weird with this guy.” Word, Roxy. Word.

Whit’s like, He and Olivia grew up in the same circle together and have the same friends, and Roxy goes “Olivia has friends?” Ha! Roxy’s awesome this week. They really, really need to get her together with Olivia again so Roxy can make her cry. Whit says she can’t judge him based on his relationship with Olivia. That’s fine. There’s plenty of other things to judge him on. I mean, damn, his name alone is fodder for at least 6 minutes of ridicule. Whit then says she’s having drinks with Jay to get closure, and because the producers told her to.

Oh, shit, we’re back at Elle and Olivia’s walking in, and I’m actually nervous to see what goes down. Olivia should have brought a bucket to work to catch the the names Erin’s dropping over the phone: “Katie Holmes, Zoe Saldana . . .” I really expect Olivia to say that Katie is a close friend. Erin says she’s getting ready to outsource the photos and then asks what happened with the photographer? And Roxy? Olivia says she basically said to Roxy, This is your job, I’m not in P.R., this isn’t my job, I’ve introduced you to the photographer, that’s it. “I knew the photographer, Patrick” — of course you freaking did, Olivia. Gawd. “– and so I was like, he said he had gotten everyone so, I feel totally confident with Patrick’s [something] for sure.”

Erin says it didn’t make them (Elle) look that great, and then Olivia tries to argue . . . but she really doesn’t do it convincingly. At all. Erin makes a really good argument: “You know, it’s your world, and you know, these socialites were your friends, and you know, I really think that you could have used that to your advantage and helped her get some great photos.” Olivia just laughs derisively, again, at her BOSS, and Erin says that Olivia was being rude to Roxy. Olivia says, “Well, that’s her problem.” Oh, you guys, I think Erin has just about reached the breaking point, because she closes her eyes, thinking something like, I cannot believe I have to deal with this unprofessional and childish bullshit. I can’t either. I think Erin feels pity for Olivia now, but I’m crossing my fingers for an epic end-of-season awesome tirade/bitch-slap, because honestly? Olivia deserves it.

Suck it, poor person!

We only have, like 3 minutes left for the Whitney/Jay drink thing! Thank god. I think Jay’s gotten a little more greasy since last year. They shoot the shit about Whit’s fashion line and Jay’s band, two things that no one will be talking about in 6 months time. Yeah. I said it. Jay says that he heard about some guy that Whit is now seeing and how she brought him to his house, and how he’s some Wall Street guy who grew up with Olivia Palermo. Whitney says she doesn’t feel like she has to justify what he is to Jay. Normally, I’d be glad that Whit stuck up for herself, but my hatred for Waspy is such that I just want her to cave and say that she’ll dump him if she can have Jay back. And I don’t really like Jay that much. Jay tells Whitney that she needs to “beware of that crowd.” True, but he said the exact same thing last year. And then he says that he has “a good feeling that this one’s gonna bite you in the ass.” Whit says that it’s her life, and then Jay says he hopes she knows what she’s getting into, and then he just gets up and leaves. I miss Erin from last year, y’all.

Next Week: Olivia half-asses it again and then she and Erin hash it out with Zee; Whit and Roxy go to the Hamptons with the Fackelmayers. Fuuunnnn.