This week, the girls get makeovers.
Oh, the Hills. Where would we be without our regular dose of living assery? Probably not in MALIBU, watching this episode, where Justin Bobby finally puts his penis into Kristin’s vagina. Also, Blahdrina is boring and everyone else is dumb.
Hola Douche afficianados! Last week on the Hills, Spencer lets HBUD out of the house to get her nails did. Oh, joy!
This week, Kristin and Stacie that weird bartender that Spencer had a flirtation with are lunching. Lunch with the girls! If girls equals snooty, collagen-reeking bitches who talk with a weird, indecipherable lisp/affectation in their speech. Yes, I’m talking about you two, Kristin and Stacie. What are you guys ordering for lunch? Brimstone?
I will cut you.
Stacie says that Kristin is the only person, like, she hasn’t gotten in a fight with, like, when she first like, met. Why? Maybe you recognize your own kin. You’re like a couple of dumb, mosturizing-using satans.
Kristin says she’s going to have to talk to Blah Dead at some point…because, that’s what i do when I start dating a new dude, terrorize his borderline-retarded ex-girlfriends. Not that Kristin is DATING Justin….they’re just like, going out together alone and having dates on motorcycles. That’s not dating. That’s like what I do with my prison pen pals. you know, when they get out of prison.
Then….the theme song. New with hot bitch injection.
Guilty as charged!
Anyone else notice that “unwritten” is sort of an ironic theme song for this show?
Well, I noticed.
Somewhere else in some trendy part of L.A., Blah dead and her sister Casy are shopping. Actually, I’ve been to the store that they are shopping at. Yeah, I got change for parking.
It was awesome.
Casey sort of looks like a pinup but also a drag queen. I can’t decide. Still, I did the tattoos and the fact that her eyes don’t look dead is a testimony to genetic variation. Or, maybe they’re just halvsies…?
I had eye implants. It’s a family curse.
Blah dead tells Casey that Kristin texted her (because everyone has everyone else’s number in PARADISE) to have lunch. Oh wait- I do see some genetic similarity between the Patridge bretheren…
buck teeth and vacancy!
Blah dead is NOT having lunch with Kristin. And that’s like, SETTLED.
Meanwhile, in the oppressive matrimonial hell that is HBUD’s life, Bulimia comes to visit their new porno pad. HBUD says “welcome to our humble abode” and Bulimia doesn’t get it! What does humble mean? And the house is on a CLIF! It might fall. Heights confuse her, just like words and papers.
Spencer is in his typical douche pose, which is a mix between being half comatose and wanting to hit HBUD over the head with the remote control.
HBUD won’t SHUT THE FUCK UP about having a kid (what is she? 23?) and Spencer, in the only semblance of sanity, says that’s why he picked the house. Of course, he says it in the most oppressively masochistic way, but that’s our Spence for you, our walking anus Spencer Pratt.
Is he going to kill someone, or did he just find his car keys?
Spencer doesn’t want kids, HBUD wants kids to mature him. Bulimia calls this out as being…um, ridiculous. It’s HILARIOUS how she calls their relationship out as being BAD, too. Heh. No, kids are the perfect solution to a bad relationship. Just ask my parents!
Another thing I want to point out at this junction is that the interstitial camera guys likes skinny girls with short skirts who like to shop.
Hollywood is like real life.
At Lulu’s Cafe, Kristin puts on her best forlorn face as she waits for Blah Dead for salad and secret sharing.
Do I have genital herpes?
Lo meets Kristin instead. Always the bridesmaid, right troll? Kristin is like, “she thinks something is going on with Justin Bobby and I.” And Lo says, “is there?” “Uh, yes.” Wow, you should be an attorney, Kristin.
So Kristin goes off on this long tirade while Troll passive-agressively disagrees through cryptic hand gesture. Really? She’s not going to say anything? Riddle me this, Lo, why are you on the show if you don’t like confrontation? Dreams are spun from the confrontations of twenty-something reality tv stars. Yeah, my mom told me that.
ERG…I want to say something…but…I just…can’t…
At some other high-end clothing store, Lo, Bulimia and Blah Dead debate the merits of fringe.
Troll looks oddly made up, like one of those kid child pageant stars.
Lo non-confrontationally asks Blah Dead why she wasn’t there….the viewer doesn’t really know the whole story, though, because they may have texted back and forth, did they really set something up, etc. This show is a sham. (cough). I mean, you know, drama.
Bulimia gives one of her signature concerned looks.
I’m way better than L.C. in the concerned looks department. Eh?
Blah Dead isn’t ready to talk to Kristin, and then the girls spout off something about girl code. Really? Because you guys are all so chummy? What, did you discuss this over a sleepover and hot coacoa back in Laguna days? Geez, you people are RIDICULOUS.
Then they talk about going to Playhouse (some douchey club opening) or an Epic Band showcase (some douchey band playing). It’s a clash of the douche, and only one anus will emerge victorious.
Oh, but here’s another picture of Troll trying to look pretty:
It’s called a comb.
Bulimia coyly asks what the band looks like, and of course, it’s a girl and Bulimia immediately loses interest.
Back to the pad of repression/porno movies, LBUD and Spencer meet their new neighbors, and the boy who inexplicably lives with then named Enzo.
I could make a Downs Syndrome joke, but I won’t.
After lots of clips of the kid being a kid, Spencer goes a little nuts inside.
Also, Enzo needs restraining.
Of course the kid, like most kids and cats, takes a liking to the individual that hates them most. SPENDER!
Once Enzo and his Aunt and Uncle leave, Spencer yells at his goddamned crazy wife for being so goddamned crazy (cocks shotgun).
At the Vedera showcase, Chiara, Blah Dead’s employee…you know, from her JOB (heh heh) welcome the singer Vedera into her dressing room.
It’s like little orphan annie works with a Dead-eyed Palamino.
The lead singer of Vedera has the most AWKWARD conversation with Blah Dead about her lyrics being like, “good,” and like, totally “relatable.” Wow, nice work. wait, you work for Epic, right Blad Dead? Suure.
Uh…hanging out with you two was NOT in my contract.
At playhouse, Jayde- who IS perhaps the one person whom I actually think is mentally disabled on the show- is awkwardly grinding with another bitch in a mini dress and looking to Brody for approval.
See? ME sexy! Me!
Kirstin and Justin get shit for coming on each other…I mean, together, and then they get a drink from a midget.
Just kidding! It was an acrobat with a bad perm!
Kristin tells Justin that she’s heard good shit about him from dudes, and bad shit about him from Ladies. And these ladies’ names start with L, A and Bulimia. I mean, for real.
Back at Vadera, the band plays. Wha? I just thought the band was gonna chit chat with Blah, because she’s so stimulating.
As they play, Blah thinks back about her life, her losses, her gains. Love. Poetry. War. The crimes of the heart. Human Anguish. Poverty.
You know, deep stuff.
Cut back to Playhouse, and Justin Bobby is mashing his tounge down Kristin’s throat, promising he has nothing to hide. When she gets a word in, mostly it’s just the repeated phrase, “if you fuck with me, I’ll fuck you up.” Charming. Poor Bulimia, all she gets to do is look concerned and forlorn.
oh no! I can’t wait to be concerned at other points and places in time.
At casa repression, HBUD has Enzo over to play video games and give cookies to. Really? I mean seriously, where is Enzo’s mom, and why would she leave her kid with a diluded 22 year old who has more fake parts than real?
Spencer comes home and he’s PISSED. Watch out Enzo, Spency’s gonna beat the shit out of his wife. And yeah, I believe it.
Nice gemstones, tool.
Spencer gets pissed, ruins a small child’s game, condescends his wife and gives a plate of cookies to a minor. I’m pretty sure all of those things are strongly discouraged- but he can discuss it with his lawyers. All in a day’s work for King Douche.
Please don’t lock me in my room again.
When Spencer gets back from escorting Enzo to…well, who knows where…? Spencer says the first truthful and coherent thing I’ve ever heard him say…”I can’t even be around adults, how am I supposed to be around kids?” Wow, I thought they outlawd self-awareness on this show.
At Chaya in Venice, Bulimia gets to be a gossip and practice her concerned face some more on Blah dead.
Oh my god…so…concern…for you…sorry. How do I look?
Oh, and get this- this is rich- Justin Bobby has one of those “hang in there” motorcycles. I will illustrate what I mean…
Cat, hanging in there.
Tool, hanging in there.
Those high handlebars and lame-ass old-timey helmet look really gets the pussy, apparently. Oh, Justin Bobby, you are so cool. Ohhhhh!
Did I mention his helmet is made of GLITTER! Yay!
They go to some seafood restaurant and Kristin is delighted by the ride and the waitress saying “for shizzle.” Also, she can’t stop staring at shiny objects, like silverwear and the back of Justin Bobby’s head.
Justin Bobby and Kristin talk about how he plays games and she’s a liar. God, these dickheads deserve each other. Justin is SUCH a douche. They both still wanna bone, but couch it in douchey, douchey banter. Douche.
yeah I still wear my class ring. Boo-ya!
They talk about how people will talk, and how they don’t care. Yawn. I just wanna see some extensions being pulled out. Is that so wrong!
Tune in nextime, folks, for more prime-cut douchebaggery on THE HILLS!