The Hills: Feelings and pig-people (Jayde)

Cry, but do it pretty for the cameras…

This week on the massive shitshow in my life that is THE HILLS, Kristin has a big ‘ol party and invites the usual gang of idiots. Justin says he’s not going to show, then does, and Kristin contemplates dating Brody…and vice versa after enduring Jayde’s gross face for far too long. Blah Dead is boring as shit, and waters her plants. Also, Holly is still a filthy, filthy drunk.

“Previously on The Hills” in three simple lessons:

1. Don’t Drink and Dance.

Cowboy hats are for walking anuses

Even douchebags need anti-frizz serum, sometimes

We start this 30 minute display of worthless human life with an appropriate masthead…

Remember me? Yeah, still leeching.

Kristin wants to have another beach party, and Stacie (of course) agrees. They count off a guest list which includes…you guessed it! A shitload of hills cast members and some others, presumably Ed Hardy wearing, date-raping wastes of air.

Then they painfully rehash Justin not showing up and then cooking Kristin dinner after committing a felony by breaking into her house. Ah, love…

And, cue “Unwritten.” This is my time to go into the bathroom and vomit up the contents of the day. Then I come back, dry heave some more, watch the hills, dry heave, recap.

Back in Hell, Broahday is thanking Fetal Alcohol syndrome for a great party. Thanks, Full Frontal Fetal!

I am either developmentally disabled or made of plastic.

Broahday tells Fetal Alcohol that Kristin is having a party, and Fetal goes into her little princessy

“I’m a centerfold” mode, all snappy. Fetal thinks that every time Brody and her are around the K word, they fight. Wait, don’t they always fight?

Brody puts his foot down- Brodie want to go to party! And then Jayde slowly deflates.

Jealous, Heidi?

meanwhile, at the republican-slathered house of oppression and stupidity….

What, no swastika mailbox?

HBUD is babysitting Enzo. For real? He should be taken by the state.

Spencer tells HBUD about Kristin’s party in the ‘Bu. HBUD can go if she loses 3 ounces and makes Spencer a roast. She can wait in the car, however, if she finishes the roast.

Can I bring Enzo??? Pretty Please????

Holly’s going to the party, presumably to dance her fool head off. Heidi tells Spencer about their little chat/gang up, and of course, Spencer doesn’t waste an opportunity not badmouthing someone. Holly’s a liar, huh, spence?

And Enzo endearingly repeats everything the two of them argue about. Wow, I wish Enzo was around during implant/sex tape time.

At Kristin’s convine of the fake tits and bitches, Holly gets right down to business.

Binge Drinker in the Hizzy!

Brody eventually shows up with his gaggle of date-rapists and….no justin! I love his charming text message to Kirstin, too: “Sorry, Boo, Strike Two.” A modern day wordsworth, people.

This doesn’t happen to pretty girls…(weeps)

Then comes the special point in the night where Holly, straight out of Earth Wind N’ Fire, gets plastered.

Oh, I call wind!

Justin Bobby gets his skanky ass down to the party, as does our favorite Fetal Alcohol Playmate, Jayde. Who fights with Brody, in her expressionless, plasticine way. She’s actually a lot like Blah dead. They could be boring ass, big-titted sisters.

Speaking of Blah Dead, killer of plants and boners, let’s go to her home….

…where Lo is having a smashingly good time.

I hear ya, sister.

Blah dead painfully, inarticulately (but are we surprised?) rehashes the last conversation from LAST episode about how Justin was saying nice shit to her. Wow, an unremarkable episode, full of delightfully boring recounts of the LAST EPISODE. REALLY? Someone give Holly another drink, PLEASE.

Back at Casa Bitchfest, Kristin pushes Justin. And hey, they’re both wearing douchey headwear!

guilty as charged!

Justin Bobby acts super condescending with Kristin, which is fun except that he is, along with her, a poor excuse of a human being. I want an old homeless person or I dunno- a minority- to be condescending to Kristin. Ah, but I can only dream.

In the Kitchen, Fetal Alcohol is having a drunk skank meltdown with her skank patrol.

Don’t get too upset- it fucks with the collagen in your body.

Brody comes over and argues with Jayde. Oh, that Brody! So articulate. Such a conversationalist! Great with combacks that far eclipse Jayde’s “Shut up.” and “You’re rude.” Poor, dumb Jayde. Jayde makes Brody look like a fucking Rhodes Scholar!

After the fight…I guess they are sorta broken up? In like, a superficial-until-next-episode sort of way?

The next morning, Stacie looks incredible.

Up and Attem!

They painfully rehash the night…yeah, the footage that we just saw. Then Kristin says that she has more fun with Brody than her prize of a dickhead boyfriend (if you can call it that) Justin. Well? More fucking, I suppose.

Carry on.

Kristin, ahem, hypothetically speaks about dating Brody again. Ah, the douche population would have a new king and non-developmentally disabled queen! And would live in peace and harmony.

Hey, you know who we haven’t had enough of this episode? Bulimia. And her concern-y face. So….let’s have another awkward intervention at the Pratt house, shall we?

We shall!

Holly comes in and admits to have been binge drinking and, of course, tastelessly dancing.

(sob) I did the running man…and the wave…twice (sob)

Man, look at all those hair extensions. You could feed a family of five with those.

Then Holly abruptly defends herself and leaves. What??? After being cornered by her two best friends/relatives? No fucking way.

Bulimia couldn’t believe it, either.

At Brody’s place- surprise surprise- Fetal and Brody fight some more. Man, it’s as if a five year old had a color by numbers and created Jaydes face….

…all askew and shit.

Seriously, she’s like an airbrushed pig person.

Brody says he “doesn’t think that he has feelings” for Kristin. wow. okay, I guess. That’s a different conversation that came out of an even stupider conversation.

Then, Jayde leaves. Boo-ya!

And that’s a shitstorm, folks! See you next week!