The Hills: Stood Up and Shut up!

For just 5 cents a day, you could take care of a Hill’s member’s costly feeding fee.

This week on the hills, Brody has his 26th surprise party and I’m wasted for the occasionI Jayde gets pissed that Kristin is there, but then laughs when she gets beaned by a water balloon and by Justin Bobby’s fickle, fickle nature. Blah dead goes on a date with justin’s friend but nothing happens and Stacie? Well, she’s around.

Hey dudes and dudettes-

I’m drunk, which means I’m ready to recap another hills episode! OH JOY!

After more banal voice-over, we see Kristin and fucking Stacie (again, no explanation on this) going out to lunch or shopping or both together! Oh, goody goody gumdrops- two bitches doing what they do best-bitching.

They say it’s CRAZY Brody is turning 26…I know, like, so old, right? Totally. Hey, nice jean skirt. Thanks.

Oh wait, they’re at a sex shop, shopping for sex toys for Brody’s bday. Really? man, that’s totally what I do when I go to an ex’s birthday, buy some dom gear.

Stacie tries it out.

Seems familiar to her.

And they laugh and laugh and laugh…

Really, I’ll laugh myself to planned parenthood if I’m not careful !

Kristin confides in Stacie saying that their sex was very…vanilla. Wow, uh, maybe it was because you guys were like, FOURTEEN.

LIke, I mean, no orgies until my fifteenth birthday. Totes unfair.

More rattling of sex toys, enter theme song. Lots of dim lighting. Searchlights. Straight hair. Ah, the hills.

Some other same day in Malibu, Justin Bobby and Kristin surf.

Nice Tat. Hey, you spelled “Italy” wrong.

Kristin hands J Bobby a glass of wine, in true college style. Nothing like douche wine on a douchey day at the douche swatch.

Mmm, a crisp douche-white.

Then some talk about Emmanuel Kant. Uh, I mean, star tattoos on Kristin’s body. She wants two more, she has one. Blah blah blah blah somebody fucking shoot me already.

If I giggle maybe you won’t understand all the feces coming out of my mouth.

Kristin mocks Jayde and Brody’s relationship and then suggest Justin BObby and her should travel together to the suprise party. What does J Bobby say? Sure. The ramifications of that would shake European history for the next two decades.

But for now, let’s hose the STD off and make sweet love.

In another totally douchey part of L.A., Blah Dead and Bulimia go out for organic Mani Pedis.

Jobs?

Blah needs more time to get over Justin, so she’s going to go on a date with his best friend. Hey, sounds good to me. Bulimia?

CONCEEERRRRNNNNEEED.

God, I want to hunt Bulimia in a forest with a rifle. She will be my deadliest game; mark my words.

Then Blah Dead said J Bobby always got made at her for hanging with this dude because he had a thing for Blah. Bulimia calls him “so hot,” which doesn’t mean much, because she calls lip gloss “so hot.”

No, for shiz, it’s hot.

Oh, Justin Bobby’s friend’s name is Derek. He’s nice but too nice, smart but not smart at all. Yeah, sure, why not?

Cut to Brody’s fifth birthday party.

Yes, the personal pan pizzas are on their way.

Oh, the pre-pubescents are here to shoot some hoops. Gnarly.

Ugh, Fetal Alcohol syndrome looks extra fetal alcoholy and Brody’s mom looks….uh, just like the rest of the hills gang. Only it’s sadder when she drinks alone at night.

Couldn’t find a good pic of Brody’s raggedy mom, but man, the editors really like to show Troll and Bulimia gossiping.

Let’s just not even talk and say a bunch of names. Go!

Troll wants to know if Kristin and J Bobby are dating. Did I mention troll wants to know if Kristin and Justin Bobby are dating? Oh, she wants to know.

Brody comes home to his suprise party looking less surprised and mostly like a living, breathing, walking anus.

Nice checkered cap. Can I kick you in the face?

After Brody goes upstairs to change into some clothes that are probably exponentially douchier, Troll finally gets her chance.

I have no life. I mean….are you dating Justin Bobby?

Bulimia, ever the synchophant, wants to know why Justin Bobby and Kristin didn’t come together if they’re dating. And uh, we’re friends, right? God, I’m unpopular. Will anyone be my friend?

Brody wants to know why the three dumbest people are in the corner. Brody, I don’t know. Secondly, I’m pretty sure Fetal Alcohol, your girlfriend, is the dumbest multi-cellular organism on the planet. But I digress…

back to the party, AKA livelinks commercial.

Hah, then Kristin gets DECKED IN THE FACE WITH A WATERBALLON. Well, there’s my high point. Can I pass out, now? Oh wait, a second high point- Jayde trying to roll her eyes and looking really, really retarded.

Nice.

Oh, and here’s an acceptable picture of Brody’s mom, except that he/she looks like a drag queen.

Girl, I done birthed him after my sex change!

Jayde gets pissed after Brody’s mom starts all hitting on Kristin. God, this show is so classy.

They start opening the sex toy gifts and things get gross, fast.

So…Kristin decides to have an after party at her house, conveniently located down the street. Jayde isn’t into it. OH SHIT, another picture of Brody’s TRANNY MOM!

Gross/I can’t believe my good fortune!

Jayde leaves in a huff (and a bikini, surprise surprise) as we cross to another place to see another douche enamored with Blah dead.

A hobbit, trying to drive and make conversation.

They talk about Justin and how Justin was and how Justin always thought there was something going on between Hobbit and Blah dead.

At the Dungeon that is the Speidi Lair, Spencer does some douchey CEO shit and hits golf balls off his balcony-clif area.

With his friend Charlie and a necklace from, presumably, a Shaman.

Spencer starts bitching about how Heidi wants kids. You know, dude talk. And know what’s good for dude talk? Another little, sticky dude.

A douchier 2 1/2 men? Is that possible?

The kid’s fucking smart, yo, he knows the code to the Speidi lair!

And I ganked your major credit cards, bitch!

Which I hope is true because Spencer proceeds to be a total dick to a six year old kid. But hey, are we surprised?

Charlie also throws a golf ball at Enzo as he leaves to play an imaginary- albeit cruel- game of hide and seek. Man I am so ready to make a citizens arrest right now. But what? I have more beer left.

The loving conversation is left with “That Bitch Heidi can’t tell you what to do with your spermies.” And, they’re right. Dudes, please don’t EVER reproduce.

Back at the sorry excuse for an afterparty, guess what? Stacie is still around! Of course. As is Bulimia. Both are consoling Kristin after Justin Bobby stood her up at the surprise party. Blah blah blah.

But I told him all about my super special star tattoos…

Brody and his anus crew come over and Brody bitches about Jayde. And how jayde hates Kristin. and how love is deep and horrible, Sure, Brody. Whatever you say.

At Hokusai, the japanese restaurant for the rennaissance douchebag, Spencer insists on wearing a cowboy hat to dinner.

It’s like having dinner with a much more STD laden George W.

When LBUD brings it up, he threatens to beat the shit outta her.

Or at least pull out her extensions.

Heidi doesn’t care though, because she’s got the baby disease. She’s sick with this. Hey, I think someone needs to put that bitch down.

BABIES BABIES BABIES

Then more banter about how Spencer doesn’t want kids (and should never have them, ever ever ever) and how HBUD wants kids (and should never have them, ever ever ever). Listen, folks, we’re at an impasse. More wine? More cowboy hats, some pets? only time will tell.

Blah Dead and Bulimia have coffee together the next morning and talk about the date-non-date that was Hobbit and Blah Dead.

act interested….GO!

Bulimia, ever the gossip lady, tells Blah that Justin stood Kristin up. Meanwhile, back in Malibu, Kristin and Stacie wake up to more drinking.

Problem? What Problem?

Krtistin is ohmygod, so hung over and Stacie thinks Jayde doesn’t like her AT ALL. Hey, why isn’t KRISTIN dating Brody? well, that’s a question for another episode, probably this season. And Justin Bobby? Well, strike one. BOO YA!