The Jacksons: Robotic Slave Ships, Gladys and the Pips.

The Jacksons don’t sell out, right?

This week is an even larger, more heaping pile of ridiculous when the three Jacksons do what they can on their individual projects to avoid working together. Marlon tries to make a big ol resort with mechanical slaves and shit, while Jermaine pretends like he cares about Indian culture. Tito does some blues rip off of Jackson 5 shit in London and everyone feels very, very important.

Last week on the Jacksons, everyone’s a motherfucking baby. This week, most likely more of the same. I know many of you have been complaining that my recap is…boring? Bitter? Mean? Well, it’s nothing next to the pain that I endure watching this show .

But I do it…for you.

Tito begins the show with a hat and a dream. Both are ugly.

Tito’s touring with Gladys Knight in Europe and singing…I dunno? Songs off his nonexistent album? Search me.

Just improvising? That’s called Jazz, Tito.

After some sort of number and some relative confusion by the backup dancers, Jackie chimes in with his “shoveling the funk” bit. Apparently, it’s some dance move that made them popular back when…the Jackson 5 were popular. That was a long, long time ago. Do the backup dancers even know who these old black dudes are?

Usher’s Dads?

Marlon makes everyone dance, for some reason.

This will be great for Tito’s nonexistent Album!

Holy shit, one of the backup dancers isn’t wearing a bra and SOMEONE is a little out of shape…

This dude.

Jackie hangs back, but not without a little encouragement, and more “coming together” rhetoric. Man, If I hear the words “family,” “Coming together” or “we’re important” anymore during this show, I’m going to barf on my laptop. And I’m not a scientist, but I hear barf isn’t good for laptops.

You’re winded.

I’ve been checking facebook.

Back at Jackie’s place in Las Vegas, Jackie meets with his manager, Robin Leach. Yeah, another meeting.

I mean, If I was going to arrange a tour that was supposed to bring me into my former stardom, I know I’d make excuses like, “my brothers and I have conflicting schedules,” and “Marlon likes Africa.” And, Jermaine “needs to eat lunch and pout to his mail-order wife”. And, the tour is in ONE MONTH. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN DOING?

Ulp.

Marlon, meanwhile, is spending his time at a lawyers office in Atlanta, Georgia. Really? There are no good lawyers in Hollywood? I checked the yellow pages…there seem to be some.

The Law. It’s friggin everywhere.

Marlon is talking to his lawyer about building a slave memorial in Africa. What, is that what rich, irrelevant people do when they get bored? Make maps, museums and memorials?

The Jackson 5 Memorial will go here.

Yeah, and make sure not to disrupt the site where slaves were buried alive, kay? This project seems super important. The lawyer seems SUPER interested in Marlon’s grand plans.

Man, it might be nice to get some work done today. Sigh.

OH FUCK. That memorial I just talked about? Just something going in a BIG OL AFRICAN RESORT. Wow, tasteful and sensitive. Nice work, Marlon.

Drawn to scale, I hope.

Then Marlon goes on to say that he’s going to make condos, you know, to help the world. You see, God told him to make money off of the African people, and globalize the community so that other countries and tourists can prey off of them. Oh, Marlon? Don’t forget to point out where YOUR condo is going to be in the resort. Check.

And the best part?

A FUCKING MECHANICAL SLAVE SHIP WITH SLAVE ROBOTS.

I wish I got a good picture of it, but I don’t think that amount of crazy can fit onto my computer screen, so the editors cut it out. Holy shit, is Marlon fucking apeshit? These fuckers are so deluded, it makes me want to burn every Jackson album I own. Fuck it- I’m going to stop listening to music, if it makes people like Marlon get to build their Pirates of the Carribean slave ship roller coaster ride sent from God.

Africa thanks you, dickhead.

At Casa Tito, things are gearing up.

Bowler Cap and casual wear.

Jermaine comes by and tells Tits that he can’t visit him on the tour…you know, because Jermaine is super, super busy with things like fake memorials and whining and such.

God, does Jermaine look more and more like a wax figure of Elvis, or is it just me?

I want my money back.

Later, in NIGERIA, and close to when Tito’s gonna be performing, Marlon is wheeling and dealing, you know. for god. And, his people. yeah.

Things Marlon will be destroying:

Statues and real memorials

People’s lives

The beauty of Nigeria

This dude’s peace of mind.

Marlon, you’re such a philanthropist. Trying to make a profit off of your history and the Nigerian people under the guise of loving Jesus and preserving your people. Wow.

Then, he takes a historic tour of the “point of no return,” Marlon won’t shut up about, where slaves were traded. I think it’s weird that um, he’s in AFRICA to commemorate the memory of slaves. Weren’t people sold to live and work as slaves in um, other countries? Marlon? Since you know SO MUCH about your history, and how to exploit it.

I dunno. Where’s my bottled water? Marlon gets dehydrated easily.

Marlon, didn’t the chiefs themselves sell their lowest war prisoners for slave trade? Will there be a robotic diorama to commemorate that?

In Mumbai, Jermaine is doing what he does best: bitching about his tough life on a private jet.

What? I have to walk these steps?

In India, mail order wife “knows the language” (there are many) and Jermaine likens himself to the king who built the Taj Mahal. Wow, really? Yeah, you’re important. Very. I know a bunch of Indians want your autograph, but Indians have a very keen sense of irony, jerkoff.

In london, Jackie asks Marlon about Nigeria. It’s boring. Then they meet up with Tito and check out the O2 Arena.

And some old british Zombie

Apparently, where the three brothers and the British Zombie stand is where Michael made the announcement he was doing some final shows on tour. Impressive, eh?

A little less fanfare for Jackie, Marlon and Tito…

The British Zombie tells Tito that Michael sold out the O2 stadium fifty times, eyes him up, and says that nobody will ever come close. Is that a challenge, Tito? Please take it as one.

Meanwhile, Jackie likes T shirts.

My brother never looked better!

Then the brothers go to the Lyric theatre to see “Thriller,” a play based on Michael Jackson’s life. More importantly, Marlon, Jackie and Tito love attention. Did I mention they liked attention? They do.

If people take pictures of us, we must still be important

During the show, they show a lot of…dancing and Marlon and Jackie being blown away by…talent. After, Jackie cries to the cast!

awkwardville

Back in Mumbai, Jermaine has a terrible song he unloads off on some Indian artist to…promote the city because of the terrorist attacks. Really? If I was a terrorist, listening to Jermaine’s ridiculous songs would encourage, not discourage me. But hey, CIA? If you need me, I live in LA, and am very perceptive.

Mumbai vs. Jermaine

I can’t emphasize enough how terrible this song is. It’s like bad seventies meets dogs barking, with Indian terms. Jermaine is unhappy with the song, but not because the song is shit- he seems to be blaming it on his engineers.

I outsource my talent and what do I get???!!!

In London, the boys go to Harrods to shop for their mom and Gladys Knight.

Secret Service men or fading musicians? You decide.

Apparently, they decided on a purse for their mom. Okay.

This purse is of crucial governmental importance.

After some strained jokes about dudes shopping for women and men wearing purses (wow, comedic gold) the dudes finally find something for Ms. Knight. A purse. Yawn.

In far more Jacksonian news, Jackie and Tito argue about Tito’s band for a while, and then Jackie gets pissed that the radio station called him Jermaine at the Michael Jackson tribute musical. Yeah, I know, it’s pretty important that you were there, right?

Then Tito and Jackie go to the stadium. Man, why are these guys ALWAYS wearing dark sunglasses and ridiculous shit?

Tito…those are uh, lots of seats you won’t be selling.

Gladys gets the gift, and I’m assuming they don’t show her open it up because it’s underwhelming. Meanwhile, Tito tells his band to buck up because “they all just looked like the killed their families.” Wow, way to inject some weirdness into your performance.

Also, some cleavage.

Tito tells us the importance of keeping your band “pumped up.” And wow. There’s a shit ton of talking. I guess nothing out of the usual, for this show.

Off to the show! And, keeping the Jackson name alive?

In India, Jermaine prepares for a Bollywood inspired music video. Then, he talks about how he has to be an individual, because, you know, you don’t see Keith Richards all the time with Mic Jagger. Right? The Jacksons are, like, just as relevant right now. So, bollywood, here we go!

Just like thriller.

This music video is shaping up to be awesome.

LIke in thriller

and, much like Thriller.

Ahh, I love capitalizing on a culture that is now in vogue. Thanks, Slumdog!

Where are the zombies?

Unfortunately, Jermaine doesn’t get to see Tito kick it in London, and he seems…uh, really remorseful. Or maybe he’s had so much plastic surgery done I can’t tell if he emotes anymore? Again, I’m not a doctor, but I am available freelance.

Back to London, Tito is doing what he does best: Wearing hideous outfits and trying to play music.

That fucking hat…

Then Tito takes off his bowler and puts on a disgusting wig to “go back to the past.” That’s code for “capitalize on my Jackson 5 music.”

The backup girl is disgusted! Hah.

But- he has the fucking backup girl sing “I’ll be there.” Wow, these dudes are sort of geniuses. They don’t want to do ANY work!

I hope this chick gets a bonus.

Then Tito introduces Marlon and Jackie, which you know they fucking love because they just spent a HALF HOUR talking about how weird it was that they were watching Tito and not performing with him.

Yay us!

Tito even introduces his mom (but where is Joe Jackson? Erg, I cringe to wonder) Then they shovel the funk a little bit, and the three reflect on the amount of work that they are eluding.

Phew. Until next week, folks.