True Beauty: All Hail Young George Wendt

I just pinpointed the exact moment Vanessa Manillo went crazy.

This week on True Beauty, the Beauties are thinning out, but I don’t mean physically. I also am not making a reference to Billy’s hair. It’s a judgement by teens as to who is the fittest, prettiest and nicest. TEENAGERS, people! Complete with sniper comments, fake boobs and white sneakers. But who expects any less from our remaining Beauties…..

Hey yalls- welcome back for another week of Beautification. And I mean that ironically. Sort of. Anyhoo, as Encino Man returns to the Beauty Cave, he’s brimming with confidence. Who would’ve thought otherwise, though? His Douchiness himself is going over who is going to be happy to see him, and who isn’t, and why it doesn’t matter because everyone’s gonna fake that shit anyway.

Did someone actually MARRY this man???

Encino man thinks Ray is his bff 4eva, but in actuality, Ray is strategizing in the vein of “keep your enemies closer.” Man, I thought Ray was cool. Judging by his outfit, he is both uncool and looks like a Marshmallow PEEP.

Ray

Peep

Everyone thinks Encino Man is returning and guess what….They’re right! The funniest and most true sentiment is Billy, Encino Man’s Butt Buddy, who says “I think Joel’s coming back because Joel IS coming back. ” Heh heh. Encino man comes home, cocky as ever, and then the show proceeds with my favorite shots of a sun setting, night, and a sun rising over the mansion. And maybe a few establishing shots. Oh, to be smart and infer that on my own….

In the morning, we meet LLL’s friend, “Mr. Bear. ” Not only is LLL articulate and smart, she’s also creative with nomenclature. Nice!

I bet Billy wishes he was Mr. Bear. Right Mr. Bear? Right?

Mr. Bear makes LLL feel more like she’s back in Brooklyn, only with more fuzz and less gunfire. And it’s the only person/blob of constructed, sculpted fabric and stuffing to which she can converse INTELLIGENTLY. Oh LLL. And Billy doesn’t miss an opportunity to steal Mr. Bear in a retarded effort to get closer to LLL. Oy. It’s like Retards trying to eat peanut butter out of the eye of a needle. Am I right? Am I right?

I’m old. You play with stuffed animals. Let’s Do It.

While Billy makes some breakfast baby food weirdo protein shake, Ray is still fuming about what we’ll call “the pencil case incident.” You know, the one in which Billy tried to bring his MURSE to a challenge and told Nessie that it was kosher because Ray had a pencil case, and that counted as one item. In essence, the episode was brief and perfunctory, but these Beauties seem bored and need drama to cling to! Ray calls Billy all “supplements and hair gel.” Really, that’s harsh. What about his Murse? and, his extensive collection of Tank-toppery?

Touch my shake and I will cut you.

Then we get to a gratuitous “procedural montage” in which one of the Beauties sort of goes through what she has to do to go from morning-skanky to semi-attractive. This week, LLL! She has to straighten her hair, blow dry it, curl it and then try on 90 different outfits while Billy strokes himself in the corner of their communal closet.

A weird camera angle to de-accentuate strokage.

In the Bat Cave, Nessie is dressed like she just got off of a Jet Ski. With Nick Lachey, probably.

You can’t fault Nick and I for loving water sports!

Nessie explains that this is the fitness episode (sorry, LLL) but they’re going to be judged on courtesy towards teenagers. Ew.

And what better way to start a challenge than ugly shoes and a protein shake? Billy?

And, tiny socks to top ‘em off.

Of course, Encino man has a boner for this challenge, already. Yawn. We got it- you’re fit. Maybe your cro-magnon muscle structure allows you to like, metabolize shit faster and build muscle for hunting wooly mammoths n’ shit. Whatevs. Ray just wants Encino man out of the picture so he can have a “free ride to the winning circle,” which is actually an elegant combination of two expressions and sports. You poet, you!

LLL is pissy that she sees shoes that aren’t heeled or made for her munchkin feet.

There goes another 3.5 hours of my life adjusting my boobs, hair and changing my outfit.

She’s right about one thing: the sneakers are sorta ugly, but by no means hideous. You want a hideous shoe? Call up my 9th grade gym teacher after a particularly long day on her corn-infested feet. Boo-ya!

At the next location, which by my estimation looks like some shitty high school in Los Feliz with some broke-ass cheerleaders, the Beauties gear up for booths were they will be tested on their fitness and judged by a bunch of awkward teenagers.

Where’s Chelsea? She would’ve fit right in.

Ugly teenagers make LLL feel awkward. Agreed, LLL, but you lived with Chelsea for so long, you’d think you’d be right at home.

Complete with androgynous ugly gym teacher facilitator.

The first bit o’ fuckeduppedness is that the scale the Beauties get weighed on is tipped 10 pounds too heavy. Nole seems appalled and turned on by this prospect, btw. Billy gets uber pissed about weighing 203 rather than 191…which would mean he put another pound o’ fat on his ass anyway. Yay! And I LOVE that weird kid who is weighing them…he’s like a young George Wendt.

You know, from Cheers.

Billy’s pissed about his weight, Paggie, Ray, Encino Man all accept the weight for the most part, and LLL does what she does best…well, probably what she does second best: Bitching! And, almost throwing up.

Paggie’s up first, and the pull up machine looks like some sort of medieval torture device (turns out, it is! Sorry, arms!) Then, yoga.

Downward Facing in my Ass

I think Paggie is gonna win this show…she’s just so damned gracious and polite and…Paggie! Encino man approaches the fitness competition with the vigor of a rabid dog, while Ray just wants to beat Encino man…and does, by one pushup. See? Times like these I like Ray because he fucks with people. Apparently, the teens don’t like it, though, and they seem surly. Someone give those kids some like, Cheetos or something. Mountain Dew? LLL bitches a ton, too, while she’s doing her thing, because she doesn’t work out and claims she doesn’t need to. Duh, LLL, haven’t you heard of fat skinny people? Little do you know, LLL, your heart is covered in a blanket of fat perpetuated by alcohol, doritos and jizzum.

Where’s Mr. Bear? (Weeps)

During their “break,” a real test is set up to determine how utterly heartless the Beauties are. Actually, I sorta dig this test, because it is completely awkward and indicative of how secure people are in themselves. YEAH! So, during lunch, the Beauties get chow and have to sit under a tarp-thing with the “popular kids” (all together, at one table) and Young George Wendt, who is eating alone. Billy decides to eat alone for a bit, then (in a stunning exhibition of lame-ass pickup-linery) asks the kids what they eat for breakfast. Man, who DOESN’T make fun of Billy behind his back? Seriously??? He fails.

hey, I’m 31. Can I sit with you guys?

Paggie is next, and flirts with Young George Wendt. Nice work, Paggie!

Y’alls are looking very fine, very fine indeed….

The Judges are, of course, impressed. Encino Man gives high fives to all the “popular kids” (and I’m using this term really, really loosely) and leaves, and LLL just ducks out, faced with the scenario that she’d have to do anything alone, or decide things for herself!

LLL is like a yeti: Hairy and elusive…

Ray is terrible, though, and funny: he looks super, super comfortable sitting with a bunch of underaged, virile young teens.

Did you know I was an artist? And, P.S. I would draw any of you naked. If you wanted me to….

And then he calls Young George Wendt a SNIPER! Okay, my love affair with Ray is over. NOBODY CALLS YOUNG GEORGE WENDT A SNIPER! NOBODY!

After lunch, Nessie pulls out one of her signature “twists,” (and I don’t mean something that she and Nick Lachey do on weekends). She tears up the fitness results scorecards. WHAAA???

Nessie, you toy with me.

Nessie tells the Beauties that they will be judged entirely by the hormonal tidal wave that is a teenage mind. Of course, LLL thinks it’s in the bag. Then, the teens are sent off to deliberate….which you’d think would be funnier than it was. Really, they have some valid points. I wanted to hear more of which underaged kid wanted to do Ray first, but alas, one can only wish.

The teens bitch about Billy and his non-stop health stuff, and how hot LLL is but how she’s a complain-y bitch. They like Paggie because she’s nice, but think she’s fake. Ray was considered a tool by the teens (nice) but also fuckable by the girl teens. Encino Man was (weirdly enough) liked by the kids because it seems as though kids really like it when grown male adults inquire about their lives. Hmmm….

In the end, the kiddies deem Paggie and Billy McCokeerproteinshakerstein Safe. They choose Ray and LLL for the old Hall of Beauty chopping block. Oh my!

Also, I love how both Paggie and LLL have fake boobs. Is there any female in this competition that didn’t? It makes my real boobs angry. Angry!

As LLL packs her multitudinous articles of clothings, her and Billy get a little lovey-dovier. And then LLL admits she doesn’t wear bras even though it seems like she packed enough for a small fembot army. And, Billy gets a boner.

Back in the Batcave, all of the judges think the teens did well by picking ever-complain-y LLL and mean-ass Ray for the bottom two, and the judges also think it’s pretty level in terms of who should or shouldn’t go home. Oh, I’m on the edge of my seat, Paggie!

Back at the house, Billy tries to put the moves on LLL before she leaves. Pity fuck, anyone? Just do it, LLL. Maybe you’ll get some free multi-vitamins out of the deal!

I also have specials on Metamucil, if that turns you on?

Billy emphasizes that he likes obnoxious, vapid who “put him in his place.” Um, Billy? Those women in most of the country are known as BITCHES. He coerces a kiss from LLL, and then says he’ll never wash his face again. Man, if only. How funny if the winner of True Beauty looked more like Pigpen than an aging backstreet boy???

The show now cuts to Ray, again, saying AGAIN how Encino Man is his only competition. Foreshadowing, anyone? Yawn. Still, he decides to hold a fashion show so he can get opinions as to what he’s gonna wear when he chokes on a big heaping spoonful of elimination.

I’m going to go out in dignity: I choose red knee socks!

Instead, too, of wearing a shirt that says “Team R.D.” (his initials), Ray decides to go to the hall of beauty dressed as a gay travel agent.

If we talk again, I can get you a great discount rate to Phoenix.

Aww, Encino Man cry tears for pretty man-friend. Ugh. Ugh.

LLL comes down with Mr. Bear and gets a particularly grabby hug from her “buddy” Billy. Yeech.

LLL: Bye!

Billy: I want you inside me.

The last straw is a homeless guy who pushes a cart full of cans. And, did they really need to hire an actor for that job? In Hollywood? Hmmm…Anyhoo, he drops his cart o’ cans and then the Judges are gonna get all judgey on the asses of the two up for elimination, seeing if they’ll help the homeless man with his wares. Man, I wish they used a real homeless guy, though- someone extra rancid who smells like human waste and dried coke zero. And, someone who shouts profanities at you if you get within fifty feet of him. And, who is missing teeth. And, who tries to assault both LLL and Ray because they’re “Rich lookin’ and purdy.”

Homeless? He’s not wearing a helmet and I’ll bet his blankets don’t smell like urine and Skoal vodka.

LLL, ASTONISHINGLY, helps him. Wow. And, she shakes his hand! Ray, well….he helps too! What will the judges do???

In the hall, we find out.

Pick us both! We have thick heads of hair.

Nessie asks LLL why she could say, and she blatanly lies, calling herself “funny, smart and real.” Did Mr. Bear tell you these things, LLL? Because he’s lying to you, just like your plastic surgeon did when he said your boobs will look “real and tasteful,” and just like how your tanning salon did when they said that tanning three times a day makes you look “healthy.”

The judges, bemused.

On another note, Cheryl’s dress looks like it’s extra pinchy on her boobage. Ow! C’mon, Skeletor- what’s up with that? Nessie has to dress like a librarian half the time- I mean…the costume people on this show have a very sick sense of humor. Sick, or WONDERFUL. You decide.

Ray chimes in next about executing people. Uh, I mean, the excellence of execution. Really? Executing what? Taking your pants off? Okay, I’ll buy what you’re selling.

Exellence of ExeCUTEtion.

In the end, Nole calls LLL sexy and then gets chided for not giving the teenage boys bigger boners. And, something about not giving the challenge her all. And then Nole makes a bunch of art references that allude to Ray being shitty. Aw, Nole. You so smart!

In any case, Ray gets sent home. But first! The script, Nessie….say it. Say it!! I love how absolutely personality-less Nessie is. And then, the clips of Ray being sorta lame. I mean, nothing crazy, but come on? Is this supposed to shock him into being a better person? We’re getting down to the wire here, folks!

Then more talk about how jokes go too far, and how Ray disappointed the judges. Blah blah blah. Come on, let’s stir this pot UP FOLKS, am I right????

Another oevre for a dumpster kitty.

Until next week, everyone!