True Beauty: I Far Surpass My Parental Lineage in Beauty. See?

They called me chipmunk-cheeks in middle school. Guess I showed them!

This week on True Beauty, four contestants remain: Paggie, LLL, Encino Man and Billy. In a surprise move, their moms (and Billy’s dad) come to escort them to a fake hollywood party, and they get judged on their conversational skills, beauty and ability to not make any of the guests vomit.

Hey Yo- I’m sick this week. Blech. Sick like fever but also ill as in cool, or whatever the kids are saying. So sorry if most of my jokes revolve around Sudafed or Hot soup and my pee smelling funny. But, I digress….

This week, the remaining beauties wait for either Ray or LLL to come back from the Hall of Beauty. Encino man thinks Billy’s downfall in the competition is his giganti-crush on LLL. DUH. Billy, ever the poet, thinks that Ray is Encino Man’s “Smalls” (the dumb-ass nickname for LLL because she’s SMALL. GET IT?). And I love how Encino Man, master strategist, feels like he can beat anyone and recognize weakness. He smells it, eats it for breakfast, and poops it out of his well-muscled ass. Oh Encino Man, when will you learn that this fake competition is about not being scary and gross-looking?

But what? Hark!

I smell fake tanner and STDs…..

LLL comes bounding back into the house and brags to everyone about the compliments the judges gave her before she nearly got eliminated.

I’m the sexiest one on the house. But also, they want me to suture my mouth shut.

Encino Man, boy psychologist, still doesn’t see the fire in LLL’s eyes. Sorry, Encino Man, not all of us can have the aggressiveness of a two year old unspayed pitbull. Plus, we love LLL for her utter lack of stick-to-itveness. Right? She wouldn’t be LLL without the discipline of a gaggle of ADHD kids and her ginormous rack. Am I right? And I love how the editors cut to Encino Man’s face when LLL said the judges thought she was the sexiest. Of COURSE Encino Man is jealous. Also, LLL has opposable thumbs. Do you, Encino Man? Well, DO YA?

The next morning is like any day: LLL is out half naked on the porch, Paggie does her hair, Encino Man rubs lotion on his nether-parts and Billy prolongs the aging process. Then, the four remaining beauties eat breakfast. As they do this, the Beauty Bus honks at them and they “get outta dodge” according to Encino Man, and into the bus. Why is the program spending so much time on the limo honking at the beauties? Probably because this is going to be an action-packed episode, right? Riiight….

The Ladies clamour to look as made up as possible while Billy drifts into existentialist thought.

Why do we, as mere humans, exist on the planet? I need to make a poopy.

They stop off at a salon, and Encino Man is utterly perplexed as to what kind of challenge could be done in a salon. Okay, Encino Man, really? I am surprised that you don’t live in a salon for this program. Then Encino Man makes a dig about Billy getting more highlights. Yeah, I know, this coming from the guy whose sole purpose in life is to look good naked….

Nessie meets them in the Salon and tells the Beauties that they’re going to be going to a “High Society Function,” (aka, a totally staged party for the purposes of the show) that is “very important” (only within the context of the ABC show True Beauty) and that they’ll be “debuting themselves as guest of honor” (making asses of themselves on national television) with a “date,” (their moms or dads). Oh, the glamour of hollywood.

Both Billy and Paggie are picturing Nessie naked in this still.

Of course, they will be Judged by how hot they look but also how terrible they will act in front of people. And YEP- their dates are their moms and in Billy’s case, their dad.

LLL was expecting her Date would be some strange man (business as usual), but in actuality, it’s her Mom, who looks nothing like her! Wow!

Hi. And, I’m so, so sorry.

She’s cute for a mom, though. Nessie seems to be acting extra-condescening in front of the Beauties today, raising her eyebrows a lot and asking them if “they’re happy with their dates,” while a tearful reunion commences. Oh Ness, do you need a 98 degrees ballad to be pumped through the loudspeaker so you can emote a little? Because gosh darnit, I will. That’s a promise.

Encino Man’s mom doesn’t look like an Orangutan, oddly enough.

Hey! So happy my son hasn’t killed anyone yet.

Encino Man gets SUPER mushy when his mom gets out. Gag me. Paggie’s mom looks like the Jewish mom from “Mommas Boys.”

I brought you some fake purses and some Matzo ball soup! Momma loves you!

And as we know, you can take the Paggie out of some rural southern state, but you can’t take a bit-o-bitch out of the Paggie….

Seriously, mom. I will cut you.

Billy’s mom can’t make it so he hopes Nessie will go with him. HA! Nessie? Do you see the distaste permanently etched on her face? Yeah, not gonna happen. Instead, we got that old guy from the old person photo shoot! Uhm, I mean, you Dad. I mean, Father time. I mean, Old Man River. I mean, uh….

Sorry, I’m not Vanessa or LLL, son. We can still grind all up on each other, Idaho-style, if you want.

Billy is also worried that his Dad isn’t gonna mesh well with fake-stylist and pseudo-actor, Jordan Feldman, who is playing a gay stereotype for this episode of True Beauty.

This is Jordan! He likes to put his penis into men, exclusively. Please ignore his lisp and sassy attitude.

Nessie goes on to say that Jordan’s gay-sense will help them get ready, but the Beauties parents will have final say on the Beauties’ red carpet look. Jordan McGayerthanGoderson takes the Beauties one by one into some sort of lima-bean green dressing room to talk about styling them, but also to get dirt on the other castmates, for one of those anti-climatic “pass/fail” test this show likes so much.

Billy, highlights and all, passes and doesn’t talk shit about Encino Man, LLL or Paggie.

Behold the highlight cam

Paggie, after having a Miss Grapevine Showdown with Jordan McGaystereotype, passes, too.

My eyelashes are better, though. Boo-ya!

Jordan Gaysalot feels up Encino Man before getting some dirt.

What? You have a TAIL????

Encino man talks shit about Billy and his supplement-addiction, so he fails. LLL’s boobs enchant gay men, apparently, because Jordan can’t stop staring. Also, something about throwing Billy under the bus, boobs, flirting, boobies boobies and boobies.

And something about boobies.

Then, they all get ready. Paggie’s mom wants some sort of liposuction procedure. Um, Paggie’s mom? This is a salon. I know it’s a free service, but you also can’t take any of the furniture with you. And no, we don’t offer pap smears. What? You want bacon with that? Um, I’ll talk to a P.A.

Paggie’s mom picks Paggie out some weird yellow long pattern dress thingy, which Paggie likes but I think looks like it came from the sale rack of a Forever 21. Billy’s Dad…basically picks out a suit. In black.

I hope this doesn’t look too faggy.

So, that works.

Encino Man’s mom picks a black suit too, which works. Yawn. LLL’s mom actually picks out a green dress that is cute, but LLL, always deserving of something sluttier, feigns approval but doesn’t like that the dress is so…classy. Hell, I wouldn’t, too, if I was some Brooklyn bitch with knockers like basketballs. Bring on the thongs and tube tops, people!

Fit for boobs of steel.

At the weird staged party, LLL goes pose crazy in the dress that doesn’t make her look like she’s a car model.

I have lots of hair and boobs. Cheese!

Of course, Encino Man criticizes her for not knowing when to stop. Really, Encino Man? Remember when the polar ice caps melted and you wouldn’t stop peeling bark for your raft? yeah, think about it.

Billy talks about how his Dad has never done a red carpet before….and I forget, Billy? When did you do one? Oh, the Idaho vitamin expo of 2003. My bad! You’re a pro. Do your thing.

Popping collars and breaking hearts

How much you wanna bet all the cameras snapping photos of them are devoid of film? I’ll put LLL’s fake boobs on it. Oh yeah, and Ashton Kutcher’s mom was there, looking like Janet Reno. And, she got the “two guys from Idaho” spiel. Ohh!

Ashton Kutcher mom feign surprise. Look Big. Shake Hands.

In the party, LLL gets flummoxed by big words like “acquiescent” and “tumbler.” Encino Man tried to work the room, too, but only through pure, unadulterated intimidation. Paggie and her mom get all pageant on our asses, and talk and laugh and wave.

What do I want to drink? World Peace, of course!

What, Nessie? One more test for fun? Okay. Let’s get some drunk bitch out with her dress tucked into her underwear. Okay!

But, still wasted.

Do the Beauties let this bitch know she looks like she wandered out of the mental institution’s spring formal? LLL titters but Paggie’s mom saves the dress mishap with Paggie following.

Ashton Kutcher’s mom is a guest judge and she praises Encino Man for not beating the shit out of his mom. She also thought Paggie and Billy were trying to hard to sell themselves, and all of them thought LLL looked the hottest, but was also the dumbest. Duh! Ashton Kutcher’s mom recognized LLL as being totally into herself (duh!) and when Ashton Kutcher’s mom leaves, Nessie complains about Billy’s vitamin sales story. Cheryl likes Billy’s conduct, but hates Encino Man’s ass. Nessie loves his ass, though- for seeing the softer side of Encino Man that wasn’t date-rape worthy.

Nole, Encino Man’s biggest masturbator, was disappointed at his conduct. Why? we’ll never know. Oh well. For the challenge results, the Beauties get onstage with their audience watching them. Weirdness!

In the end, Billy wins the challenge.

Yay Vitamins!

The bottom two, publicly humiliated even more at this “high society party” are LLL and Encino Man. Hah, in your face, Ashton Kutcher’s Mom. Of course, Paggie slides by on her general congeniality.

Not knowing how to show emotion, she attempts a pout and puts her head down.

Titties! How could you forsake me???

Encino Man just looks like he wants to murder everyone in the room.

Even you, Mom. ARRGGHHH! Encino Man MAD!

Encino Man thinks his awkward and intimidating passion is enough to keep him out of the Hall of Beauty. Erg, when really, it just makes everyone feel awkward.

Back at the house, LLL doesn’t think the judges are seeing the big picture. You know, the one with her beautifully rendered boobs. The pre-elimination reminds Encino Man of the elimination ceremony with Chelsea, only LLL is hot and has better, albeit orange skin.

Billy weeps and masturbates in the corner as the two get ready.

In the Bat Cave, Cheryl Tiegs can’t wait to launch into Laura! Wohooo! Finally, menopause is kicking in for our supermodel, and I couldn’t be more proud. Cheryl bitches about LLL being overtly sexual and trashy. Nole agrees, and thinks her personality is far from “it” girl. Well, what about “tit” girl? No?

Encino man? Nole wanted to bang him at first, but now thinks his personality sucks fat cock. Nessie thought he was respectful to his mom, and likes him. All of the judges are slightly afraid that Encino man might murder them in their sleep. Enough to eliminate him? Hmmm…..

The two most boring contestants, Paggie and Billy, sit alone in the empty living room.

Welp….I dunno. (Giggle)

Encino Man says his goodbyes and wants to kick some ASS in the Hall of Beauty (ARGGGHHH).

In the Hall of beauty, LLL and Encino man are asked why they should stay.

This place reeks of fallen Beauties. Blargh!

LLL talks about wanting to win the challenge and not wanting her mom to think it was her mom’s fault if she goes home. Oh LLL, I’m sure your mom will place full blame on you and not take ANY for herself.

Encino Man, save saying he’s “in it to win it” decides to give an obnoxious pep talk about spending time with his mom and how beauty isn’t just looks. This, again, from the guy whose sole purpose in life is to look good naked.

Hmm…I’m listening. And, doughy.

Anyone notice how there was no final straw in this competition, or at least not a formal one? Lame. The judges tell both LLL and Encino Man that their personalities suck, but I’d much rather watch both of them beat up a homeless man/actor clad in evening wear.

In the end, LLL gets the BOOT!

Aww, I have to go back to Brooklyn?

And now, the awkward reveal of the show being sort of, kinda about inner beauty. Nessie loves this part, because she can sneer the hardest.

P.S. My boyfriend is Nick Lachey. Did you know that?

LLL senses Nessies bitchiness and refuses to be polite through having her character thrown under a bus.

Ugh. I’d rather be clubbing.

They show the clips of getting drinks on LLL’s slutty payless pumps, calling Chelsea a bee-yatch, not helping anyone and generally complaining. Yawn. Come on, LLL. Hit Nessie. Just do it. Come on, show them the personality of your fists, LLL!

Instead, she does this giggle-cry thing. Yawn.

I bet a lot of guys will masturbate to me crying. Yeah, that’s hot.

Nessie gives her “true beauty is within,” which she, ahem, stringently believes. Right. LLL gets trashed and then we wait for the FINALE! The FINALE, FOLKS!

Any predictions?????

I take up a lot of dumpster.