True Beauty: PYOOP (Pick your own old people)

Today’s challenge? I make you all 98 degree MIX TAPES!

This week on True Beauty, Nessie makes the Beauties pose with old people for a photo shoot. Eeew! She also makes them do terrible impressions of themselves for her own amusement. Who will bump heads? Who will throw a tantrum? Who will help an ugly little crying girl placed by producers to flummox the Beauties and see if they are good people or not? Who will learn the semi-interesting secret of the show? All this and more….

All right turds- he’res another whippin’ up of America’s favorite fake beauty contest, TRUE BEAUTY. Last week, CJ came back from the hall of beauty stating that he’s going to “Be Me” 100%. All I want to know: does that mean more Ed Hardy and journaling, or less? LLL wants to know why CJ keeps getting to come back, and he says that they “appreciated that he took the Judge’s information and Implied it.” Right, coach. Hey, nice job, Coach. Ray wants CJ to go home, foreshadowing the obvious….

The next morning, after everyone has ample time to pat CJ on the back, Encino man brushes his teeth angrily and Paggie does some weird shit with her hair.

Mmmfflarfff

Then Billy launches himself on a tirade of personal care product. Yeah, he’d consider himself high maintenance. NO SHIT. I’m assuming that most of the universe considers these people, um…far and beyond the human standard of “maintenance.” They should be put on a planet of mirrors so they can just check each others’ and their own tanned asses out. Sigh. But I digress…

Pimple or stray hair? Only the tweezers will tell.

Apparently, the editors have it so that all the gettin’ ready is in preparation….for time in the hot tub. Everyone’s there but CJ, who is writing some journal shit (I’m guessing he’s just doodling dinosaurs with hats made of cupcakes. HATS made of CUPCAKES! yeah, I’m hungry, what?). When he does finally make an appearance at the douche-tub, Billy says that CJ’s “not in the game.” Which, makes sense, if the game is a giant, STD infested filth-pool, complete with Bud Lights for all. CJ disagrees, in his weird way to make himself sound smart, and then Billy says, “Be with your family, boy.” Oh Billy, you are either a heartfelt man of the people or a racist with bad highlights. Or, both? CJ makes it clear that Billy “Ain’t gonna work for him.” And the hot tub quickly goes from hot n’ sexy to burny n’ awkward.

Chelsea: “If I try to be very still, maybe I will disappear.”

Then Encino man explains that Billy and CJ have a weird rivalry based around misunderstood, pseudo-racist rhetoric. Will the battle of wills never stop???

Whatever, I dig Black people.

CJ confesses that he wants to like Billy, but most of the shit that comes out of Billy’s mouth is…semi-inappropriate and sounds sarcastic. Which is weird, because it seems to be trying to be nice, in a weird, hamfisted way. So now that everyone’s all awkwarded out, what does a true beauty do to ease the tension? Why, get naked of course!

Whatever, y’all like it.

There always has to be a naked guy in the mix, doesn’t there? Doesn’t matter whether the show is Road Rules or Biggest Loser: Couples, someone’s always showin’ their junk. Ray is loving every minute of it, too.

Ray is to Nakedness as peanut butter is to a hamburger. ESSENTIAL.

Later, our gal Nessie meets the Beauties in a big white room that the Beauties appropriately gawked at. Nessie barks that “true beauty is a timeless beauty,” and everyone is aptly perplexed, or at least still confused by all that white paint….In actuality, Nessie is just showing them what they’re gonna look like when they are old. EW, old people? Really, True Beauty? You had to go there?

First is Billy, who, as an old person looks like a saddlebag.

Plus hair product.

Next is LLL, whose aged picture looks more like a cubist painting than a human being.

A PISSED cubist painting.

LLL tells the cameras that she saw her photo and almost threw up! Oh, LLL, when will you learn to stop speaking and only bat your lashes and giggle? Ray looks like he took a big fat dump.

Those dumps were a long time coming…

Old, ugly Julia looks like she wandered out of the Old Folks home during a puppet show.

She was a-scratchin’ on my screen door, Officer.

Joel looks like a turtle.

Who is, I might add, also pissed.

Chelsea, in the old age generator, looks like she’s chewing on a half a cup of bad cottage cheese.

Meh, not much of a difference. Now let’s have Old Chelsea roll her eyes.

Last but certainly not least is CJ.

You can buy all 400 volumes of my journal for 19.99.

LLL thinks CJ looks like a bum on the street. Why? Because he’s BLACK? God, LLL, you’re so RACIST. Now push up those titties and giggle a little bit. Ah, all better.

For the next photo shoot, Nessie thinks the Beauties might needs some people to do a photo shoot with….and as the studio doors slowly, slowly and slowly open…the beauties look shocked. What could they be posing with? Chimps? Cups of Cottage Cheese? No, no no…

OLD PEOPLE OLD PEOPLE OLD PEOPLE!

The Beauties are confused, of course, how these “old people” got into the studio. Where do they come from? Do they drive? They sort of all look and smell like my Nana. Some of them even seem to introduce themselves! There’s Cherry, who had a facelift, a couple of Jacks, some creepy old guy with a young girlfriend, and last but not least, ET! Yes, True Beauty brought us ET!

I’ll suck your dick for some Reses Pieces.

The Beauties each delight in picking an old person of their very own, and then they all head to hair and makeup.

Its like a United Colors of Benetton Ad, only with Chelsea.

There is only one free chair in the makeup room, though- and the test is letting their old person sit in this. Really, if the Beauties don’t let their old person sit in the chair, I think they should be shot. LLL passes, as does Chelsea. CJ doesn’t. Blech. Billy doesn’t either, surprise surprise. Julia does, because she’s southern and everyone knows southerners are polite. Ray passes, too and Encino man FAILS!

And then the Beauties have to come up with a slogan, which is HILARIOUS. Chelsea’s is “An American Beauty Age Never Ages.” Funny, redundant and grammatically correct. Ugh, but then the British old person has to shoot Chelsea down. Damn, you, old people, for ruining my fun!

What? You’re a moron.

Encino man gets shot down by his old person with “New and old, brave and bold.” HA! And then his old person says that he doesn’t want to come out “looking like an idiot.” Where did they find these old people? Some sort of smart, sensible old home for the aging but semi-lucid? Stop killing my fun.

Billy decides to ignore his old person, which is an interesting strategy.

Coked up and Brainstormin’ Solo.

LLL and ET (Sadie, I’m told) are…ridiculous. Or, high? Sadie makes some lame joke about LLL’s earrings matching her pearly white teeth, and they both erupt in giggling. Girls, please!

Please stop! LLL’s about to laugh her tramp stamp off!

CJ goes first, and man, these poses couldn’t be any cheesier. It’s all sweater vests and shoulders back up in this MoFo. And, sometimes the old people look almost, like, um, they’re about to die. Chelsea and her old lady are sorta gross, doing a play on old versus young by, um, putting the old person in far too view articles of clothing and spanking her.

Why do I have a boner right now? Life is cruel.

Everyone is thoroughly grossed out, but LLL and ET BRING IT. And the cackles continue. Hey, does anybody think Cheryl Tiegs is a little jealous she can’t be in the photo shoot? Billy, in true self-absorbtion, sounds like a total douche when he says “blue makes my eyes pop.” Ugh.

Billy and some old guy: Getting after school special on yo’ ass!

After the shoot, it’s BBQ time. Billy keeps calling CJ “Boy,” which is weird. CJ talks about how he can’t trust Billy, but he isn’t sure. Still, he’d rather err on the side of intolerance and suspicion. Nice. CJ thinks that there is something not genuine about Billy. No shit, CJ- how about EVERYTHING? Nessie crashes the BBQ with some timeless beauty photos. Of course, she decides to make the Beauties play a game that makes them do impressions of each other and the winner gets to take a peep at the photos. Oh Nessie! You’re diabolical!

Impressions first, eat your souls later.

LLL does an amazingly benign impression of Chelsea, while Ray’s CJ is…pretty much just racist, with the added words of “Coach” and “right here.”

I guess someone…BLACK!

CJ does Billy and basically just makes fun of protein shakes for 5 minutes. Geez, these people are horrible. Chelsea picks Julia, and just does Miss America. Though, admittedly, Julia does say “thank you” a lot. Billy shows his buttcrack as his impression of Ray (genius), and Julia just mimes lifting weights. Encino man has Laura, and he comes up with a pretty good Brooklyn thing going on, He wins, and gets to see the photos.

After Nessie gets the hell outta there, Encino man tells Billy his picture was cheesy as hell, and Billly says “done.” Wha? He also thought LLL and Paggie looked good, but CJ blames his bad pic on the photographer. Ugh, lame. As much as I hate that Encino man thinks he’s awesome, I hate CJ’s self absorption more. And Chelsea isn’t even bad this episode! CJ keeps saying that he “picked poses because he wanted to send a beautiful message.” CJ, you’re a BARISTA. You wanna do something beautiful? How about make me a white chocolate mocha, fat free no whip, mmmkay?

Then CJ tells LLL that if he’s in the bottom two he’s going home. Suuure.

Billy is stressed out about EVERYTHING. I’m not a doctor, but LAY.OFF.THE.COKE.

At the ceremony-to-see-the-pictures, Nessie looks amazingly less like a librarian than usual. Wow!

Can we do this quick? Nick Lachey is my boyfriend.

LLL goes first, and it’s Nessie’s favorite!

Cackle-taculous!

LLL does look good as shit in it, like a nurse trying to restrain an old, wily doctor’s patient. Ray is next, and his old person looks dead, though this is not addressed in the stream of compliments put upon his photo. Yawn.

Beauty and Love Transcends Photoshop and Death? Probably not.

Billy’s is cheesy as hell. Still, I’ll probably masturbate to it later. No, not for Billy, for the old, hot man. Mmmmm..

Timeless beauty is all about my hair extensions and coke reserves. Do my eyes pop??? DO THEY????

Nole thinks the picture is too perfect, like actors headshots. Not my headshots, which are semi-nude, because I’m classy. Billy blames the photographer, which is…even more classy than my catsuit headshots, (which I only use for theatrical calls, btw). Julia’s is nice, with the green shirts and restrained senior.

Recognize the dementia in some of us

Everybody fawns over Encino Man’s pic, because it’s slightly more creative than the others. Still, The old guy looks maniacal, and Cro-Magnon just looks…like he’s figuring out what he’s going to paint on a cave next. My vote? Horses. I love horses.

Monamonzano loves horses.

Chelsea’s is lame, and seeing that old woman in a tank top sort of makes me wanna barf. Am I a terrible person?

Chelsea: Begging to be photoshopped out of pictures since 1983.

Chelsea is told that she isn’t connecting with her semi-naked old person partner, and Chelsea, of course, starts explaining that she wanted to be the graceful, wise one and let the old person look skanky and weird. Nice. CJ?

The old person looks happy to have a Black Man creep up behind her.

CJ gets slammed for his lack of chemistry with the model, and CJ bitches about the cameraman. Ugh. Shut up!

Encino Man wins the challenge, and Billy and CJ are in the bottom two. Nessie feigns concern as she announces the names, and then the judges truck out.

Later, Cro Magnon lets Billy borrow his blue shirt (for his eyes! His eyes! Ughhh) and CJ decides not to hit the road before elimination. Chelsea starts bitching about how she was embarrassed the first week being up for elimination, blah blah blah.

As the two leave for the hall of beauty, LLL admits she has a lil’ crush on Billy. Awwww….well, I’m sure there will be more awkward hot tub play and lap dancing when he returns….IF he returns! Bwa ha ha!

for the final straw, a little girl is crying by the Hall of Beauty. Who is going to help this little girl find her Mom? Who? Billy helps her find her Mom, and touches her on the back. Inappropriate! Minus 10 beauty points!

The Beauty Bat Cave sees ALL.

We only find out after a break if CJ helps the girl, but I think we all assume that he does. Nessie again looks a little bookish (apparently wardrobe likes to put her in big, floppy bows). CJ pleads his case that “his best is not enough.” For that reason, he’d love to continue. Um, okay?

Billy keeps talking about his “too perfect” stigma, and how he needs to “shoot from the hip.” He agrees with all the Judges and hopes he doesn’t reek of hair gel and protein powder.

Nessie lets CJ go. He’s eliminated, folks! FINALLY! Then, the standard “secret of the competition” schtick. They show him the slide show, particularly the part where he scams people for clothing in episode two. He defends himself because he thought “scamming” was okay and that it was based on creativity. Hmmm…is that how it works?

In any case, CJ’s gone, and there will be no more journaling segments of True Beauty to make fun of. Boo!

Keep that upper body strength up, boys! Lots more inflated egos to take out to the trash!