Howdy, Gasmii! It’s my pleasure to recap the latest ep of American Idol. As you know, we’re in season 65 and — what? Oh, it just feels like it’s been on since television was invented. I haven’t been watching Idol this year, so I hope you appreciate my
fresh completely uninformed take on the contestants.
In this ep, everyone went to Vegas for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Some people were cut and some weren’t. The. End.
Well really, it was 2 hours with actual content of maybe 45 minutes, as is always the case on Idol. Everyone on these shows has a dead/dying/differently-abled relative, fiance or friend, everyone has overcome “huge obstacles” to get to Idol, blah blah blah. Would’ve preferred to see every group sing – there were several montages that went by super quickly.
Before they went to Vegas, the Idolwannabees were instructed to form groups. Each group got a song from the 50s or 60s that they would sing in Vegas on the Viva Elvis stage. That led to lots of angst as people could not find groups that would take them and/or were thrown out of groups and/or the groups weren’t so hot at first. Idol thoughtfully showed us every
exciting excruciating moment of the backstage drama, the rehearsals, and the sessions with the voice coaches.
To amuse myself during those bits, I started thinking up new Idol versions. The ratings are down a bit on classic Idol, so how about branching out into more specialized areas?
Eli, dost thou knowest the latest Snoop Dog song? Fo’shizzle, Caleb.
Although we all know whose kids would win THAT one.
We open with the kids on the bus to Vegas. Ryan tells us that the pressure is on, and the cuts are merciless. Oh, just like in everyday life for every adult in America. Of the 70 remaining contestants, about 30% will be cut.
One gal on the bus things Baker is Vegas. I can see how she’d make that mistake:
Vegas. The resemblance is uncanny!
Everyone gets settled, rehearses, and it’s the next morning. Right into performances.
The first group is Cari, Chase, Sklyar (I) and Colton are singing Dedicated to the One I Love. What the hell is up with Colton’s hair? Looks like a misguided homage to Vanilla Ice.
And it’s not working. Also, Chase, did your shower have a low-flow showerhead?
The judges opine that Cari was shaky, and she’s out.
We return to Jeremy, Ariel, David and Gabi singing Rocking Robin. In the behind the scenes footage, we see that Gabi feels she’s pulling the weight in the group although, paradoxically, her part doesn’t show her off enough. They do a good job, and are all through. Gabi says they’re family and “going all the way”. You do know only one person wins this contest, right?
And it may well be David. Not you, Gabi. Not. You.
Next, we hear Great Balls of Fire with Adam, Erika, Angie and Shelby. They’re really good, and are all through.
This marks the first appearance in this ep of the Sausage Dress. Don’t know what that is? It’s the dress worn by huge numbers of women, usually those who can stand to lose
a few 30 or more pounds. It’s always 2 sizes too small, skintight, and often has the added bonus attraction horrifying feature of a plunging neckline, and it’s way too short. These gals seem to believe it the Sausage Dress makes them look thin and gorgeous. There’s a reason it’s called the Sausage Dress.
We’re back with Molly (Ice’s brother), Brielle, Schyler (II) singing Why Do Fools Fall in Love. They’re ok, but nothing to write home about. The judges say Molly is out. This upsets Ice.
Just taking after his namesake.
Now it’s a montage showing that Wayne, Ashley, Stephanie, Aubrey, Janelle and Tina are all out.
Now we’re on to Haley, Eben, Elise and Reed singing The Night Has a Thousand Eyes.
Sausage Dress #2. With horizontal stripes. I think my eyes are bleeding.
They do a really good job, and they’re all through.
We see the heartwarming story of two lovable misfits, Richie (he’s a little bit country) and Jermaine (he’s a little bit rock ‘n roll), who both got kicked out of other groups and then formed their own group even though they are both baritones. Just like Donny and Marie, they manage to bond.
Their music makes them whole.
The men knock Breaking Up Is Hard To Do out of the park, and are both through. Afterwards, JLo does a surprisingly good imitation of Richie.
Then there’s another montage as we learn that Hallie, Baylie and Chelsea are through. Then we learn that there will be a twist! that will make people cry!
We come back to see Jessida, Candice and Deandre being coached by Katherine McPhee’s mother. Too bad Mrs. McPhee isn’t an acting coach, judging from her daughter’s “work” on Smash.
Onstage, they are inexplicably joined by Michael Bolton from 15 years ago.
All 3 are through after singing It Doesn’t Matter Anymore. Wait, is that a song or just something I typed because we’re over an hour in to the ep with no end in sight?
Now the twist! Everyone who was put through is told that they may not actually be safe, since if tomorrow’s performers do better than day 1, some day 1 people will go home. This sends the contestants into a tailspin, presumably because not one of them can count and realize there are too many of them to go through to the “final 40″ (which, inexplicbly, turns out to be 42).
Tonight’s required homework.
We return to Clayton, Scott, Adam and Curtis doing Jailhouse Rock. Clayton, who thinks Vegas is “Vagas”, also thinks they’re on the stage Elvis performed on. Bless his incredibly stupid heart.
Curtis goes home, all the rest are safe, although the judges aren’t that happy with them.
We go to Caleb, Joshua, Blaire and River singing Hunk of Burning Love. They are great, and all go through.
Love that Caleb is serving up Meatloaf.
Now we see Curtis (II), Joshua, Shannon and Amber singing Blue Suede Shoes. Although they give it their all, only Joshua and Shannon go through.
I did like Curtis’ blue shoes, though.
We return to the delisional idiots of the night, Jessica, Courtney and Britnee, three gals who didn’t rehearse or avail themselves of the vocal coach because, according to them, they’re all pros and didn’t want to waste the band’s/coach’s time. Clad in Sausage Dresses #5 and 6, they have a good song, Keep Me Hanging On. The judges comment it sounded like they were singing a song they never sang before. Bingo! And quelle surprise, Jessica doesn’t go through. Her response is that Idol isn’t looking for real artists. Oh, so “real artists” never rehearse, show up completely unprepared, overrate their “talent” and suck at singing. You’re right, Jessica, Idol isn’t looking for “real artists”.
Or ones with that look on their face. And in a dress so short the world’s her OB-GYN.
We’re back to Lauren and as Ryan says, Windy (but she doesn’t have stormy eyes!) with Peggi Blu, who is supposedly some kind of hardass vocal coach. Peggi advises there is no crying in music. Words to live by, folks. On the stage, Lauren, Wendy (we now learn that’s her name – Ryan, you totally have to work on your enunciation) and Mathenee (let me guess – his parents are Matthew and Bethany/Bethanee) sing Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow. The girls
have hog the lion’s share of the song. Poor Mathenee barely gets to sing, and then goes home. Nice, gals.
Shiny metallic Sausage Dresses. Yay. Not.
Now we’re with Nico, Phil, Jairon and Heejun, singing I Only Have Eyes for You. Phil is of the “cover your ear” school of singing. Pal, by this time you need to be able to carry a tune without plugging your ear. Why they all get through is a mystery to me. I would’ve ditched Phil on the annoyance factor alone.
Commercial. Last few minutes, right? Let me check the time. Damn. Still lots more to go.
Now we see Peisha McPhee again, coaching Nick, Aaron, Creighton and Jen. I remind you that the one person Peisha presumably coached the most intensively, her daughter, did not win Idol. So . . . not someone I would seek out. This group is tremendous. Love their harmonies. Nick, though, is out. That’s sad because this was one of the best groups of the night. For reals.
Also NO SAUSAGE DRESS.
Now Ryan tells us the drama has just begun, more cuts MUST! BE! MADE!
A whole bunch of people are cut, down to 42 which we are told is the “top 40″. Again, no it’s not. We hear Britney say she “worked my butt off”. Honey, working hard does not determine success in life. It helps, but it isn’t the factor. Talent is. Except on Project Runway, of course.
And that’s it for the Vegas episode. This has been fun! See you next back at my regular gig on Tabatha Takes Over.
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