Foggywood- sit back and relax, the 2 Italian sisters got this!
We wanted to like this show. We really did. We love The Amazing Race, Survivor and Top Chef so a mash-up of the three couldn’t go wrong, right? Yeesh, who knew we’d miss Phil, Jeff and Colicchio so much. Are they trying to tease Cat Cora’s hair so she’s as tall as Curtis Stone? No self-respecting lesbian should be wearing her hair like that. We’re from Texas and we think her hair is too big. And is it written in their contracts that Curtis and Cat have to move in tandem at all times? Does it seem to you that Curtis tries not to blink to show off his blue eyes?
Anyway, Out of Africa and into the Tuscan Sun.
The prettiest thing they had on this show. Curtis is suing.
New teams! And they’re picking the teams old school dodgeball style with a twist- whoever they pick goes on the other team. Gary is trying to get the best team while Nick is trying to play the best mind games. Nick puts Liz on Gary’s team and she feels like getting picked first is like getting picked last but she’s “MVC” so she’s not taking it personally. We think for Liz this title should now stand for “Motor Vehicle Collision” because watching her cook is like one big train wreck- you want to look away but you just can’t. Nick also sends loser John to Gary’s team with the parting shot, “John has lost every time so if he goes over there, their guaranteed to lose. I mean you’re super talented…” Wow, too bad this isn’t a competition for the best motivational speaker. Avery gets picked last, looks to be near tears and calls all the chef’s cowards. But if getting picked first is like getting picked last, and getting picked last means they’re all cowards and x equals y to the third degree… Christ! The strategery is giving us a headache.
Red Team: Gary the leader, Jenna salami, John the loser and Liz the wreck
Black team: Slick Nick, Nookie Red Sox, Nicole who and Avery the brave
The Good, the Bad and the Big ole Train Wreck
They fly off to Italy and Avery poses the question: If we’re not here to cook against the strongest chefs then what are we here for? Jon answers, “I thought we were here to win $150,000.” Dear John, You have been in the bottom 4 times in a row. Do you realize you are on a cooking show? If you don’t want to be a loser, then you must cook. Sincerely, Jane & Blanche
Jenna just wants 2 glasses of red wine so she can be confidant in her Italian. Shit, after 2 BOTTLES of red wine we can speak any language.
Nookie confesses that he worked in Italy for 6 months and when the chef he was to work under heard Nookie was coming, he quit. To be fair if we heard a Red Sox fan was coming, we’d quit too (Rangers all the way, baby!!)
Gary confesses that he thinks Jenna is a great chef but just needs a muzzle and he asks, “How do you say that in Italian?” It’s “muso” Gary. See? 2 bottles of wine works every time!
Nothing says Italian like a good scavenger hunt. Jenna rocks the first clue, guiding the red team quickly to the right cafe to taste the ribollita- a reboiled seasonal dish (or as we say in America leftover veggie stew). The second clue is to figure out what tasty treat is commonly mistaken for cheese. Ummmmm, Velveeta? Cheese in a can? Cheez whiz? Ballpark nacho cheese? If this was in America we could go on all night, but in Italy the one answer is Ricotta. How boring.
Each team gets a map to go find Filipo and pick some olives. The red team has fallen behind and Jon feels defeated. Dear Jon, you’ve had 4 episodes to grow accustomed to being a loser. Please get over it, butch up and drive faster. Love you, mean it, Jane & Blanche.