Big Brother: She’s a Sucky Bitch…?

Tonight on Big Brother, Matt will likely pay for having a useless alliance and for throwing the last HOH like a jackass, and we zip through a double eviction.  Will Matt sell out the Brigade to try to flip the house?  Will that be enough to keep him safe?  And who will follow him out the door?

Hopefully him.

We color in after the POV meeting, and Matt’s still thinking the Brigade has remained loyal and that his attempt to convince Britney to put up Gaygan instead of himself was a good move.  I don’t care for Matt, but I do feel bad for him in that he has done the Brigade’s dirty work all season and stayed loyal to the alliance by selling out Gaygan, whom I think he’s actually better friends with than the Trio of Dumb, and this is how he’s getting repaid.  Maybe it’s fake disease karma biting him in the ass — although having to look at his wife while she talks, smiles, or does anything involving opening her mouth might be punishment enough.

Britney goes to apologize to Gaygan for nominating his BFF, but he doesn’t seem to care too much now that he knows that Mr. Wonderful Spirit sold him out.  Gaygan tells us that he has now woken up and will start playing the game strategically rather than like a spiteful, bitter queen.  I’ll believe it when I see it.  Matt then tries to talk to Gaygan, but gets rejected like he’s Boobs trying to donate blood.  Upon asking Britney why Gaygan was acting more like a bitch than usual, Matt sees through Britney’s attempt at playing dumb and realizes that Britney told Gaygan about selling him out.

Matt goes in full damage control mode and tells Gaygan later that Gaygan’s name came up a lot before the POV meeting in the context of how Gaygan campaigned so hard last week to get Matt to stay.  Gaygan freaks out at this accurate description of his behavior, and calls an unofficial house meeting to pointlessly defend himself from the truth.  Enzo then opens his hole of dumb and explains that he and HAYDEN were going to split their votes between Matt and Lane — prompting Gaygan to finally realize that the Brigade exists.  Obviously Gaygan is right, but I’m not sure I understand how he got there.  But I don’t really care so, whatever, Brigade is outed.  By one of its members being an idiot, not by them actually DOING anything, natch.

“Instead of the meow meow, I’m the quack quack!”

“UH, DUDE, THAT’S A PENGUIN COSTUME…”

“I knows that.  What’s your point?”

“…OKAY THEN.”

Gaygan then voices this suspicion to Matt, and I get really excited because here’s Matt’s chance.  Admit that there’s a Brigade, say you’ve been kicked out or want out after you saw how the cards were going to fall last week when you had the DPOV, and propose working with Gaygan, Britney and maybe even Sniffles to get the Brigade out!  If you’re going home anyway, why not try anything to save yourself?  It’s not like Matt’s been playing a clean game — see again, fake disease.  But then Matt… does the exact opposite, like a complete idiot.  He denies the alliance and instead takes Gaygan’s suspicions to HAYDEN and Lane, with the theory that they need to keep him in the house to control Gaygan.  This makes no sense because even if Matt were to “control” Gaygan, should Gaygan win HOH, he only would have 5 options for nominees — Matt, Britney, Sniffles, HAYDEN and Lane.  Clearly he would nominate Sniffles and either HAYDEN or Lane off the bat, and I’m pretty confident the other one would be the replacement nominee.  So Matt’s “controlling” of Gaygan does them jack shit.  Worst diabolical genius ever.

In shocking news, Gaygan wants to win HOH next week.  YAWN.  Thankfully, we don’t have time for this kind of shit tonight, so we jump to Chenbot announcing the double eviction and starting the first eviction.  The penguin (love it) is up first, and he babbles nonsensically until Chenbot shuts him up.   He doesn’t seem concerned, and Matt’s speech is a goodbye speech anyway, so it’s no surprise when the vote comes out unanimous to send Matt home.  Neither is it surprising that Sniffles dedicates his vote to Boobs.  Jesus, dude, I’m trying to root for your ass.  Stop making it so difficult!  Blah.  Matt totally blew that, but he’s choked under strategic pressure all season so I guess I shouldn’t be too shocked.

Yo, dooby dooby doo and shit.  Whose gots some Bud Ices?”

Matt leaves with class, hilariously fistbumping Chenbot, who evidently got some updated programming in order to not shut down upon such an occurrence.  He tells her that he’s not pissed that Gaygan didn’t vote for him to stay, as Gaygan has to do what’s best for the rest of his game.  He admits that he was a moron to throw that last HOH, and Chenbot asks the question I was bitching about earlier — why didn’t he out the Brigade and join forces with the others.  That then causes one of the funniest Chenbot gaffs I’ve seen in a long time.  To upgrade her douche gesture software, they evidently had to remove some hearing software, as she completely misunderstands Matt calling Britney a succubus.

C://run: dictionary.exe

<QUERY: SUCCUBUS>

<SUCCUBUS NOT FOUND>

<AUTO CORRECT SUGGESTION: SUCKY BITCH>

<ACCEPT AUTO CORRECT SUGGESTION>

C://run: FCC_fine_alert.exe

Matt’s biggest regret is throwing that HOH and the hardest thing he had to do in the house was shittalk Gaygan in an effort to stay off the block.  I’m surprised that she doesn’t bring up his wife’s fake disease, because I think that lie may have actually hurt him in the game because other HGs may have feared Matt would get lots of sympathy votes from a jury.  Oh well, she was probably too traumatized by the near FCC violation, and when I say near I mean not even remotely close.  I will miss Matt because at least he was playing the game, in his own shitty and ineffective way.  Plus, you gotta love how he consistently fucks things up for the Chenbot, not to mention him having the balls to call her that to her face earlier this season.

“Who’s being the sucky bitch now?  Get out of my way!”

HOH time!  Go Sniffles!  I’m so sad for myself that I’m now rooting for you!  This competition is a spin-off of the trivia find-and-fetch POV we see annually.  Chenbot will ask a question about two HGs, and they will run across the yard and dig through packing peanuts to find the names of the correct HGs, one at a time.  First one back with both correct names wins.  And the question is: which two HGs have been HOH twice?  Oh come ON, how easy could you make this BB?  This is going down to pure luck on locating Boobs and Matt’s names in the peanuts because I don’t even think the Trio of Dumb is that dumb that they don’t know the answer.  Sigh.  Chenbot shouts go, and Enzo (free of the suit) eats it while running up to the pile of peanuts.  Of course he does.  Sniffles is out first with Matt’s name, and HAYDEN is right behind him, also with Matt’s name.   But hold on a second — HAYDEN actually displayed some intelligence by pulling BOTH names before running back with the first one, so he merely returns to the peanuts, grabs the Boobs namecard he had set aside, and runs back to win HOH, about 5 seconds before Sniffles returns with Boobs’ name.

“Hiss!  I mean quack!  Angry quack!  Whatever!  Goddammit!”

The HGs go inside, Enzo bitching the entire way about how he couldn’t find nuthin’ in his pit of peanuts, and appearing to be nursing an injury, lol.  Between HAYDEN’s panting and the repetitive silences due to swearing, it’s impossible to clearly hear the hasty strategizing between the Trio of Dumb (plus Sniffles, who wisely crashes their meeting in the cabana room).  Gaygan’s definitely mentioned a lot, but I’m not sure if it’s Sniffles or Brit going up with him.  Chenbot comes on their TV screen in the living room to order them to begin the nomination ceremony, her mouth and voice nowhere near in sync, which only adds extra botness to the Chenbot.  Once they gather, HAYDEN makes his nominations, choosing Gaygan and Sniffles after explaining that he promised Brit that he wouldn’t put her or Lane up.  Of course, what he’s really doing is protecting Lane and doing him a favor by keeping his shower/ear cleaning subject in the house.

Veto time!  This competition is the before/after trivia contest, where the HGs have to step up on a stair behind them to select before and have to step down on the stair in front of them to select after.  It’s single elimination, and the last HG standing wins.  Question 1: Paint can HOH before/after bowling POV?  They all get it correct with before.  Question 2: Did Dr. Schmekel fall off his surfboard before/after Kristen in that HOH?  They all get it correct with after.  Question 3: Did Matt call Sniffles a big dummy before/after the Zingbot POV?  Everyone but the penguin (yep, it’s back on) gets it correct with after, even though Sniffles is a close call with a last-second change.  Poor Enzo.  That kid really can’t win ANYTHING and sadly, I think he is trying.  Question 4: Did Boobs win 5 grand before/after she told HGs to bring it on during a nomination ceremony?  Everyone but Sniffles gets it right.  Boooo.  That’s twice now tonight that something Boobs-related has fucked him.  I predict this will be a pattern for as long as he knows her.  Question 5: Was Gaygan’s first saboteur message before/after Jeff and Jordan’s visit?  Everyone gets it right but Britney.  Shit, I was hoping she’d win and take down Gaygan, forcing HAYDEN to name either Enzo or Lane.  Question 6: Was the one week slop break before/after floaters get your life vests?  And with that, Gaygan wins POV.  Ugh.  Sniffles is so screwed.

Big dummy indeed.

Unsurprisingly, HAYDEN names Britney as the replacement nominee.  Britney and Sniffles each give boring lovey-dovey speeches, and it’s clear that Sniffles will go home since Britney’s got Gaygan and Lane’s votes.  Sure enough, it’s a 3-0 vote to evict Sniffles.  His interview with Chenbot is pretty standard — he misses Boobs, he loves Boobs, he played for Boobs, he wants to get serious with Boobs, he thinks he caught something from Boobs, blah blah blah.  And off to the jury house he goes for a nauseating fuckfest we thankfully will not have to see.  Now nothing can come between Boobs and her man.  God help Matt and Sheriff Mascara.

So that’s it for tonight, guys.  For such an “exciting” episode, I was pretty bored and disappointed.  In addition to two predictable unanimous votes, Matt did nothing other than roll over a die and Sniffles, the only HG left who has really busted his ass, got evicted.  I guess I’m rooting for Britney by default since I hate Gaygan and the Trio of Dumb isn’t worthy of rooting for.  We won’t see who wins HOH until Sunday, but here’s hoping Brit can pull it off.  Who are you rooting for at this point?  Anyone?

See you next time!