You would think that after more than a decade of using Microsoft Word, I would know how to properly save a document, but that apparently is not the case. I wrote half of this recap and somehow did not save it correctly, so now I have to slog through from the beginning. But I do it without complaint because I love you guys.
Previously on the worst show ever: Nick stood Joey Lynn up for a “date” and JL’s mom told her not to waste time on 11223 guys. Christie made it to age 22 without developing a personality. Christie and Big Ang fought over something – not sure what – and Cute Matt began to get frustrated with Christie, laying the groundwork for him to date a certain TVGasm recapper from Manhattan.
Carla pulls up to Big Ang’s and they squeal over their upcoming trip to VEGAS!*
*(Drink every time someone screeches “VEGAS!”)
Carla is en route to Matt and John’s to see Christie and asks if Big Ang wants to join her. Carla interviews that they’ve already lost Joey Lynn and she doesn’t want to deal with any more feuds. Big Ang agrees to go and to make up with Christie, but she doesn’t want to have to revisit the whole fight before they get to the point of making up. I’m sure she has nothing to worry about, because Christie is nothing if not forgiving, right?
Christie answers the door and monotones, “what’s SHE doing here?” when she sees Big Ang.
What do you want? I have an ulcer, you know.
Carla says she brought her over to tawk, so let’s get to it. Carla says she normally wouldn’t interfere but she doesn’t want to ruin the VEGAS! trip. They sit around the table Sopranos-like and someone, Carla maybe, says that Brooklyn girls fight at the drop of a hat and hold grudges over nothing. Really? I hadn’t noticed.
So Johnny Sack and I will handle the Esplanade deal while you and Little Carmine wack the union bosses.
Big Ang says she wants to have fun in VEGAS! and wants to make up. She says she’s sorry for whatever she did that pissed Christie off (at this point, I don’t even think she remembers). They agree that they know how to push each other’s buttons and kiss and make up and there are rainbows and unicorns everywhere.
Christie interviews that one day she and Big Ang are friends and the next she wants to punch her in the face. Christie has such happy, positive energy.
Carla says now that Christie and Big Ang are good, what’s going on with Matt? Christie says they’re fighting because Matt is crazy. He went jet skiing during the hurricane and if they get married and have kids, she can’t deal with that! She has an ulcer! Carla’s like, “Whatever. Can’t wait for VEGAS!”
No Quarter Tavern. Joey Lynn is working and waiting on Amanda, Valona and a Random Brunette who are visiting her. Amanda and RB order beers but Valona just wants water with lemon.
I hear Miami has the best shuffleboard courts in the country
Joey Lynn makes fun of her for being lame. Joey Lynn says that they are all going to Miami for Labor Day. She says she can drink a lot and hopes her friends can keep up with her (foreshadowing!). Valona asks if you need a passport for Miami. Wow. What do they teach in Brooklyn public schools?
Joey Lynn announces she’s leaving her pride at JFK, then says she has three piles of money: one for airfare, one for spending and one for bail.
Girl is prepared, that’s for sure. She makes fun of Christie and the VEGAS! crew, saying they are going to come back with Chlamydia, gonorrhea and their vaginas falling off. That would certainly disprove the old “what happens in VEGAS! stays in VEGAS!” axiom.
At Matt and John’s, Matt laments that he has to go to VEGAS! with Christie’s friends and asks what he should do.
Gratuitous picture of Matt
His friends and John say he should grow some balls and not go to VEGAS! for the first time with his girlfriend. John interviews that he doesn’t advocate cheating per se, but sometimes having a good time entails a little touching of cute girls. Sometimes you just wake up and find them in your bed and you have no idea how they got there. That shit happens all the time, especially in VEGAS!. Oh, and by the way, there is still no puppy! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PUPPY?? Did he jump off the Verrazano?
At a bar called Skinflints, Carla meets another Random Brunette who we learn is named Denise. Carla drinks beer through a straw and they talk about her love life.
The best way to get over your boyfriend of 8 years is to do shots with random strangers
Carla interviews that she recently broke up with her boyfriend Dominic, whom she had been dating since she was 14. Denise says she knows it’s been hard for Carla, but she’s happy that they broke up because you can’t know what you want until you date other guys. She says the best way to get over someone is with someone else. And hey, there just happens to be a cute guy at the bar over there. Carla’s like “no thanks.” But Denise says Carla needs to have a fling so they agree to let the guy buy them a drink.
EMT = Evil Monkey Troll? Early Messy Towel? Easy Money Turban?
The guy says he’s an EMT and Carla doesn’t know what that is. Seriously, NY Dept of Ed, I want my tax money back. He explains that he saves lives and shit and offers to buy them shots. Denise is not DTS (down to shot), but Carla makes her do one. The shots are brownish and I think she calls them blow jobs? I can’t tell because it was bleeped out.
I would have included a pic of a blow job shot, but I didn’t think typing “blow job shot” into my browser at work would have been the best idea
Now, there is such a shot called a blow job (or so I’ve heard) that look nothing like that (or so I’ve heard), so maybe she said something else. Either way, Carla says she usually only does shots of Grey Goose. The EMT is like, “why are you drinking beer with a straw?” She says because it goes down easier that way. I’ve also heard you get drunk faster that way (again, that’s just a rumor. I certainly have no firsthand knowledge of this). All of a sudden, Denise is like, “we gotta go,” so they leave. As they walk out, the EMT guy says to his friend of Carla, “that one likes to drink. I like that.” Heh.
Outside, Denise says Mr. EMT had potential, but Carla’s like, “you can’t expect me to fall in love with the first guy at Skinflints.” Denise replies, more or less, “What’s love got to do with it?” Sing it Tina.
Time for our weekly foray to the auto glass shop. The boys are examining a truck that has eight broken windows that will cost its owner 2Gs. Ch-CHING.
Bitches get stitches
Nick warns us “dat’s what happens when you screw around wit married women. Dis guy got his head cracked and his car busted up.” Thanks for the tip, Nick.
Now that that’s over with, who will be stopping by to visit the boys this week? Oh, here comes Joey Lynn. She says she’s here to confront Nick about standing her up the other night. He says he fell asleep and when she doesn’t believe him, he says SHE was supposed to have called HIM and she didn’t. Nick interviews that Joey Lynn is a nice girl, but not girlfriend material because she’s putzed (i.e. crazy). There’s that word again. I’ve heard the word putz, as a noun, but I’ve never heard it used as an adjective. Is that the word they’re saying? Can anyone help me out?
Chris interviews that Nick DIDN’T fall asleep that night (really? He was so convincing) and that he doesn’t want to date Joey Lynn, he just wants some of the action that Roberto got (or didn’t get, as the case may be). Are we ever going to meet this Roberto fellow? He’s like Charlie from Charlie’s Angels, only we don’t even get hear his voice. Just an occasional blurred out photo. This whole show is based on him and we never even get to see him. It’s sad really.
ANYWAY, Joey Lynn calls Nick a jerk and says he probably orchestrated the whole thing to make fun of her. She asks Chris where Nick should take her to make up for it, and Nick offers to take her to McDonald’s. What a gentleman. Joey Lynn says she tries to be mad at Nick, but that Nick is so charming that he just makes her laugh. Oh, Joey Lynn. You gotta get outta that ‘hood. Maybe there will be better guys in Miami. She says Brooklyn guys are dumb and maybe there will be better guys in Miami. Great idea!
Joey Lynn meets yet another Random Brunette on a park bench.
Her name is Toni Lynn (oy vey! Joey Lynn, Toni Lynn, WTF?). The always helpful graphic tells us that TONI LYNN IS THE ONLY GIRL IN BROOKLYN WHO IS STILL FRIENDS WITH CHRISTIE, CARLA… AND JOEY LYNN.
Wow. So she is like Henry Kissinger of the group. Joey Lynn says she and Toni Lynn have a bond that they just can’t break (well, not until she sleeps with Toni Lynn’s boyfriend, anyway). They eat Chinese food on the bench and discuss the VEGAS! trip. Seems that Toni Lynn is going with Christie’s crew. She says that she heard that Matt and Christie will be getting their own room and Joey Lynn’s like, “you don’t bring your boyfriend to VEGAS!!” Heh. Joey tells her to have fun with her “lovely, classy friends.”
Carla and Toni Lynn lay out at Rockaway Beach. I guess to prove that Toni Lynn really is friends with both crews.
Honestly, I’m surprised Christie hasn’t cut her off yet for betraying her. Carla says VEGAS! will be her first vacation as a single woman. Until now, she’s had a boyfriend to rein her in when she gets crazy, but she thinks this trip will be way too much fun to miss.
Then they discuss Joey Lynn, because I guess these people can’t go even five minutes without bringing up “the feud.” Toni Lynn asks what Carla would do if Joey Lynn reached out to her. Carla does not know. But she does say that back in the day, she and Joey Lynn were wild. I can see that. They were probably pretty fun together.
Valona is packing slut clothes while her mom watches. Valona’s mom makes a comment here and there about them, but otherwise doesn’t seem as concerned as Valona thinks she is, just like with the tattoo convo. In fact, Valona says, since she told her mom about the tattoos, she thinks that she and her mom have become closer. Well, that’s nice I guess. Valona says it’s her first vacation without her family and she is nervous about getting homesick.
Okay, from here on out, they keep interspersing the two trips to contrast them, but the editing is so choppy and it gave me vertigo, so I’ll just talk about each trip separately. I think you’ll get the point.
It’s 5 am on “Labor Day” according to the graphic.
So, wait, they are leaving town on Monday? I don’t believe that, but whatever. A stretch hummer picks up members of Christie’s crew to take them to the airport. Carla interviews that five of them together is “insanity,” but NINE of them is a “non-stop party.”
Is that Roberto on the right?
Next we jump to Matt and Christie in a car. Matt is driving and Christie is complaining about his driving. Also, it’s raining and it wasn’t raining when the girls got in the hummer, so what’s that all about? Christie says she glad that they are getting a separate hotel room from all the girls because otherwise she would pull her hair out. I feel like Christie is the only person in the world who could purposely not have fun in VEGAS!.
The party girls have arrived in VEGAS! and they immediately stop at a liquor store to stock up for the night. Among their purchases: a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle of Belvedere, a bottle of Patron, 5 bottles of champagne, three cases of Red Bull and a couple cartons of cigarettes. Big Ang says that should last them until dinnertime.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker
Cut to Christie in Matt in their hotel room drinking coffee alone while sad music plays. Heh. Poor Matt.
Sigh. My friends are doing coke off hookers’ backs right now…
Back in Bay Ridge, Nick and Chris sit in front of the auto glass shop and are all emo because they have to go a whole weekend with no girls to verbally abuse.
Remember that time I almost strangled Christie?
In Sin City, the party girls are at a pool party partying. It looks like the camera crew wasn’t allowed or something, because the footage is grainy and looks like it’s from a cell phone cam. Carla says there’s no way Joey Lynn’s having this much fun in Miami. Because that’s how you should measure all things – by how much fun Joey Lynn is having at any given time.
Later (presumably) they are back in their hotel room and they drink directly out of the giant bottles of booze. Big Ang tells us that “this is breakfast, lunch and dinner right here” as she takes a gulp of vodka. Ugh, I feel sick just watching that.
This will end well
It’s 5:30 PM and Jen (I believe this is Jen who we met last week) is staying in the room with Christie and Matt. Heh. Poor Matt. Can’t even get it on in his own hotel room. Carla interviews that she and Jen aren’t so much into partying. They like to dress up “beautifully” and go out to dinner. They will go to pool parties, but they leave before they get too sloppy and pukey.
Christie says that she and Matt and Jen are getting along great. Until Matt or Jen does something to betray her, no doubt. Matt comes in and says he won $800, although he ended up walking away with only $600. No worries, that’s enough to buy me dinner at the Palm.
8:46 PM and the party girls’ room is TRASHED, as are they. Carla says she feels like ass.
Meanwhile, Matt, Jen and Christie are at a restaurant, waiting for the rest of the crew.
Back in the party room, the girls are nowhere near close to being ready. All of a sudden everyone is screaming at everyone for no particular reason other than they are drunk messes.
10:20 PM and Big Ang and the others finally show up for dinner. They report that Carla and Denise are not coming to eat, but they will meet them all at the club later. Christie interviews that she’s really worried about Carla because she might
be having a good time be getting out of control. Big Ang just says that Carla and Denise are going to be “ossified” because they haven’t eaten anything.
Matt is the only guy at the huge table of drunk girls and he says he feels really uncomfortable. Heh. Poor Matt. Christie and Big Ang order Caesar salads that are actually just wedges of lettuce with croutons and dressing (they look really good) and they don’t know how to eat them.
12:05 AM. Everyone, even Matt and Christie, are dancing at a club called Nikki Beach. Christie looks like she might even be having fun, but it’s probably just a gas pain.
5:02 AM and Big Ang informs us that they “shut down Nikki Beach.” Carla is drunk as a skunk and falls all over the suitcases in the hotel room while hiccupping.
So, are you from around here?
Ooh, that’s NEVER a good sign. I would sure as hell get my shit out of her way right now.
9:34 AM the next day and the room is DISGUSTING.
It’s like a frat house crossed with a bus station bathroom crossed with an animal shelter. I can only imagine what it smells like. Eau de Snooki. Carla is in bed, crying and sick. She is sad because she misses her ex. Aw, poor Carla. I’ve totally been there. Usually I’m crying IN the bar, so at least she made it home, but being deathly hungover is bad enough without being upset about a wayward boyfriend. The girls try to console her.
See, they are not bad people. Well, I’m sure if Christie were there she’d be complaining, but the other girls seem to genuinely care. Oh no, am I starting to like these people? Shoot me. And that concludes our trip to VEGAS!.
Welcome to Miami
Okay, now for the Miami trip. It’s afternoon and Joey Lynn, Amanda, Valona and a Random Brunette whose name I never learned are in a cab on the way from the airport. Valona asks where they can get those giant margaritas with Coronas in them. Everyone in the cab says “everywhere.” Ha ha. They get to their hotel and jump on beds and generally act like dorks (in a good way).
Now they are somewhere outside drinking giant margaritas with Coronas in them.
Super jealz. I would SOOOO have been all over that back in the day. (“The day” being last weekend.) Valona’s mom calls and Joey Lynn interviews that Valona is like a little girl and too dependent on her mom. Joey Lynn says Valona needs to grow some “bawls.” Valona admits she misses her mom and doesn’t know how she’ll be able to move out of the house. They chug their drinks and Joey Lynn says she loves Miami and would move there in a second. Yes! She should move there and have a reality show. I would totally watch that.
It’s 7:30 PM and the girls arrive at STK lounge. They order Godiva martinis and Joey Lynn says they should be classy and order champagne. She interviews that she wants to get wasted and dance and meet a cute boy and only hopes the girls can keep up with her. Hmm. Amanda orders a coffee. Joey Lynn says “Who the fuck drinks coffee in Miami?!” Sorry, Joey Lynn, your night is not looking so good right now.
It’s later and they are sitting at a table in a restaurant. It looks like they’ve moved on to Cosmos. Joey Lynn makes a toast to “piglets in a pigpen,” which, you will recall, is what somebody called someone at some point earlier in the season.
Joey Lynn interviews that she’s not sure that Valona and Amanda can party like Carla and the VEGAS! girls. I don’t think Mick Jagger can party like the VEGAS! girls. Well, not anymore anyway. Now it’s Valona’s turn to order coffee and the other girls complain about how tired they are. That is so the worst thing ever, when you want to have fun and your friends are being LAAAAME. Been there, done that. Joey Lynn interviews that she’s “straight up ready to party” and sighs that she came to Miami “with my fucking grandmother.”
It’s 11:18 PM and the girls are at a club. Joey Lynn dances while the other girls stand around.
My corns are killing me
Valona says she tired and she got too much sun. Amanda says she’s ready for bed. Really? It’s not even 11:30. I thought they were badasses from Brooklyn. They are acting like old ladies from Omaha. Joey Lynn calls them downers and I can’t tell if she stayed out alone. Careful, Joey Lynn. That’s probably what happened to Natalee Holloway.
It’s 4:37 AM and Joey Lynn is bugging the girls while they sleep. She puts an iPhone alarm in their ears and shines a light in their faces.
If I’m awake and coked up outta my mind, you’re awake and coked up outta my mind
They are pissed. Joey Lynn complains that the clubs are still open. Hmm. I wonder if she’s under the influence of anything besides alcohol. A little Bolivian marching powder, perhaps?
6:13 AM and Joey Lynn is smoking on the balcony.
I wonder what Nick is doing
She says Toni Lynn is probably having a great time in VEGAS! right now. She calls and leaves her a sad voicemail to that effect. Then she interviews that she does miss hanging out with Christie and Carla and the girls. I seriously doubt anyone misses hanging out with Christie, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Anyway, we end the episode with sad horns. Is this foreshadowing an eventual reunion of the crews? What would Christie complain about then? Oh – I’m sure she’ll find something.
Next time: Someone gets tattoos; Christies talks about her period (ew); Joey Lynn wants to meet someone on Wall Street; Big Ang’s dad gets jail time and Carla and Joey Lynn “fight” in the street.
So, what did you guys think of the epi? Would you have preferred the VEGAS! trip or the Miami trip? I think I would have liked something in between, although I definitely would have preferred Miami location-wise because I am beach whore. Also, I’m dying to get my hands on one of those Corona-ritas.
As always, thanks for reading and I apologize for taking so long to get this up. Have a great weekend everyone!
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