Recap: Dirty SOAP – Your Harem or Mine?

Greeting, Ghoulish Gasmii! Happy Halloween, all! I hope you had as much fun as I did looting the kids’ giving the kids candy. I just did that “Take this Lollipop” thing on Facebook, so I’m kind of freaked out now, so let’s escape into this week’s episode of Dirty Soap and see if it is going to be a trick or a treat, shall we?

GRATUITOUS SCARY PIC IN HONOR OF THE SEASON (OH, WAIT. THAT’S NOT A MASK??)

Kelly is meeting with the fitness director of Self Magazine to discuss an upcoming piece about her in the magazine. The director suggests that, since Kelly stole won DWTS, the article should feature Kelly in dance classes doing the hottest new dances around. Kelly freaks out, admitting that she does not have the energy levels required to do dance classes because she has come to realize that she is way too thin.

I. REST. MY. CASE.

Kelly talks about that choosing to be in Self Magazine is setting yourself up as an example, and she will have to swallow all of her food this week cannot afford to lose any more weight. Maybe I will send her the leftover Mary Jane toffees and Dots that are rattling around the bottom of my Trick or Treat bag.

Yay! This is a Halloween episode! First we had the skeleton, now the witch has arrived!

ALL OF YOU SUCK. I TURN YOU INTO TOAD NOW.

Nadia and Fary meet Farah and her mom. It has been 10 years since they all have seen each other. Fary compares herself to a high quality Persian rug, saying the more you step on her, the more beautiful and shiny she gets.

I SEE HER POINT

Fary grills Farah about her relationship status, and Nadia comments that everyone except her loves the Sea Hag because they don’t have to listen to her harp 24/7. Fary tells Farah never to buy a house with a boyfriend because it is the stupidest thing you can do. Farah, once again proving her loyalty as a friend, says, “You mean, like your daughter did?”

THAT’S GOTTA SMART

Now we get to see more of what is behind Fary’s hatred of Brandon. She says that Nadia’s old boyfriend was “lovely.” When Fary walked into the room, this putz gentleman would stand, and he viewed Nadia as his queen. Nadia asks Fary what kind of man she would be with in Fary’s perfect world. Fary says kind, rich, and something else I can’t understand.

She goes on to say, “Not good looking. What the hell does a 6-pack do for any woman? You are touching (them) to pay the bills? Make you happy? Make love to you?” She may have a point. Perhaps Brandon should mosey on down to Dixie Land and let ol’ S-Natch put Fary’s theory to the test. Purely as an exercise in journalistic research, of course.

DIBS ON THE BLONDE’S SPOT!

Time to add to our Halloween cast of spooks. We have had the skeleton and the witch. Now we see Galen the P@ssy -Whipped. Did not know they made a costume for that, but they must because I see it every week right there on my TV set. He is walking with red-headed step child/mini me whose name, apparently, is Dillon.

Galen is taking Dillon to martial arts class because he wants his sons to be involved in sports. He feels that sports builds character and is good for physical strength. Galen interviews that sports was never encouraged in his family when he was growing up. He says that when he was a kid his father made him take ballet instead of going to Little League. This revelation is met with sympathetic understanding from Jenna, who apparently has been recently attacked by a raccoon.

It seems as if we have our topic of the week, Gasmii. What about the sports versus arts question? Should children be led into interests their parents have for them? Is it different for a boy or a girl? I think it is easy to say, “Let the kids choose,” but is that realistic? Maybe a boy would like ballet if he were exposed to it. Maybe a girl would choose to do horseback riding because her friend is doing it, but would really prefer softball if encouraged to be on a team. I know that when I started performing in community theater as an adult, I regretted never having had singing lessons or dance lessons, so I wanted my kids to be exposed to those kinds of things so if they chose later to perform they would be prepared. Is that what Galen’s father was doing? If so, it seems to have paid off on some level, has it not? Speak, my friends, speak.

It is clear that Galen is living vicariously through Dillon as he proves himself to be one of those obnoxious parents that can’t just wait outside, but has to repeatedly peek in and cheer the kid on, distracting him from the instruction and getting him reprimanded in the process.

Galen then stands in the hall throwing pathetic karate chops. Dude, just sign up for an adult class. I am certain Jenna has not mentioned this possibility, since she is the one holding his brain. Unfortunately for Galen, that’s the only thing of his she is holding.

Hahahah! After class the instructor comes out and tells Galen if he doesn’t stop creeping on the five year olds, he’s going to ninjee chop his ass. With a judy chop thrown in for good measure.

BACK OFF, HELICOPTER DAD!

On to Farah, the *** hag. Gay 2 (Nathaniel) is watching Farah wash a small dog and asking her if she will delouse his man parts next. Along the way, he suggests that she look for a big house so that he, Danny, and JP will no longer have to slip into the No Tell Motel for their three-ways. JP pipes up that those $15 an hour charges really add up, and it would save money that could then be used for man sculpting sessions.

Farah says that living together would be the worst idea ever, Danny says he hates her, and Nathaniel points out that JP needs a haven to get away from Farah. Farah asks if Danny and Nathaniel are planning to have kids any time soon, and Danny says that he is “going to use the chicken.” Everyone is confused til Danny points to Farah and says, “We are going to take my sperm, put it in Farah, and have beautiful big lipped babies.”

I do not think the image burned into my brain by the term “use the chicken” is ever going to go away. I wonder if I can sue Kelly R. and Mark for traumatic injury.

It comes out that Danny has been asking Farah to carry his baby for eight years. Farah complains that she doesn’t want anyone to reach inside of her and “grab something out.” Silly Farah, that’s not how it works.

JP expresses shock that Danny has been making such a request, causing Danny to remind him that he (JP) will never give Farah a baby because he runs screaming every time he sees a vagina. JP contemplates this, and concedes the point. He then asks Danny when the spawning will occur because, “Obviously, she has a shelf life.” Bwhahaha! I LOVE that this is the second episode in a row where someone has told Farah that her eggs are decaying inside her body and that she is an old crone.

On the set of GH, Steve Burton arrives with a nutrition and fitness instructor to talk about Kelly’s dance photo shoot.

Kelly skirts the question of her eating habits, and talks about how she is working out 7 days a week. Steve says that at this point she is so thin she is burning muscle, and the instructor tells her the cardio exercises she is doing are not helping her at this point.

Kelly says that is that last thing anybody would want to hear. I beg to differ. I am one of those people who stand beside exercise poking it with a ten-foot pole. If someone told me I shouldn’t exercise, I would give them my first born. And a Twinkie.

Nadia is looking over her house, concerned about how it looks because In Touch Magazine is going to do a photo shoot of Brandon and her at home. ‘K. Just an observation here, but you have potentially millions of people looking at your house on a weekly basis per this show.  Since In Touch Weekly is coming you need to spruce up? Way to make us all feel like bastard children, Nadia.

Nadia hates the sofa in the family room. Brandon picked it out. Ulterior motives abound.

Brandon says Nadia can change it if she wants (because he is an ass who does not treat her like a queen), and she asks if her mom can be involved. Dun dun dun. The plot thickens. Brandon says that Fary is a tacky ass, hard to please bitch of a sea hag, but he will once again take a back seat on the runaway train that is his life.

Farah and Danny are talking about Farah donating eggs for him. I am loath to concede this because I am, at heart, a spiteful bitch, but this is a really decent thing Farah is doing. She knows that Danny really wants a child, and she is taking the initiative to learn more about it and to get the ball rolling. She loves him and wants to do this for him.

YAY

Danny talks about how he wants a kid and can’t have one by himself, Farah may want a kid in the future, and JP is adamant that he does not want kids, so it’s a win-win-win. This could create a really complex dynamic. What do you think, Gasmii? Would you be comfortable with your significant other having a child with someone else? Do circumstances make a difference?

Cut to Galen bringing punching bags into his backyard. He interviews that he wants his kids to be able to defend themselves and “Not to be wimpy little mama’s boys.”

IN OTHER WORDS, THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF YOU

This statement elicits a typical response from yet another of our Halloween cast of characters – the Hound from Hell.

WHAT CHU TALKIN’ ABOUT, WILLIS?

The Hound does exactly what Galen did during the martial arts class, and interferes by butting in from the sidelines.

Of course, Galen is starting with board breaking which Dillon pulls off. Jensen hits the board and starts crying, causing H from H to say, “Enough!” in her best Shana/Taylor voice and cart him away. She then chastises Galen in the interview and tells him he will be banished to the cellar if he ever tries to interfere with her wimpy-mama’s-boys-ification of her kids again.

Apparently, Hell has frozen over this Halloween, as Fary comes over the Nadia’s house and tells her that she loves Brandon’s sofa, but hates the room Nadia called “the pretty room.” Hahahah! Manipulation sucks when it turns around and slaps you in the face.

Seeing, the pretty room, I have to agree with Fary. It is pretty hideous. It even has a zebra carcass on the floor. Then I realize that Fary is actually wearing one, and become totally confused. I think the lack of Jujubis in my Halloween stash this year is having an effect on me.

After the meeting with her mom, Nadia says the exact same thing that Brandon has argued as a reason not to include her. See, Gasmii, I told you, he ain’t just a purty face!

Nadia tells Fary that she is going to call a friend to help. Fary gets mad, and Brandon quickly says that the designer friend and Nadia decorated the “pretty room” without any input from him.

SEEMS LIKE BRANDON HAS PICKED UP A FEW POINTERS FROM FARAH

Fary tells Nadia that she and her designer friend suck and created a room she wouldn’t even decorate for her worst enemy. Okay, Gasmii – first I think Farah is being a really awesome friend, and now I agree with Fary. Isn’t that the seventh seal of the Apocalypse?

Poor Brandon starts to get cocky, and dares to make a suggestion. He says that Nadia and decorator chick should get some ideas and then run them by Fary so they can compromise. Fary says to Brandon “can’t you once to zip it?” Brandon reminds Fary that he is on her side. She tells him to “let the girls do the house.”

ANNND – THE APOCALYPSE HAS BEEN AVERTED

Kelly is taking a cooking class to learn how to “incorporate more fat and protein” into her diet. Kelly, honey, I got your back. Just come on over here and let Mama S-Natch cook you up a batch of fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and biscuits.

AND THAT’S JUST BREAKFAST

They learn to make tofu? Really? To fatten up? You know what I say, don’t you Gasmii?

Nadia, Brandon, and Fary are meeting Michelle the decorating school dropout guru at the antique store. Fary calls it a thrift shop. Fary demands to know if Michelle decorated Nadia’s house. Michelle, in full faux modesty mode says, “Yes, I tried. Did I fail?” Fary say, “Yes. You. Did.” I swear I heard Michelle’s face crack all the way here in the Motherland.

Fary hates everything Michelle (who has had so much plastic surgery she hardly has any facial features left) picks out, and Brandon is gleeful that someone else is feeling his pain.

Fary gets insulted that Nadia likes the furniture Michelle is showing her, Michelle gets surly with Fary, causing Fary to shut her down by saying, “Don’t ask your mama. Go with those who have no taste.” Bwahahah!

Fary tells Michelle that she would never decorate her house because Michelle has thrift shop taste, and leaves the store shouting “Thrift shop.” And the gates of Hell slam firmly shut once again.

Kelly goes to myriad dance classes, including Danceworks/Yoga, Hip Hop, and African. Kelly declares herself a great example of fitness. Shenanigans called once again, folks.

YUP. MY IDEAL.

Back at Casa Pathetic Union, Dillon his “kee-yah-ing” everything (read: kicking every lamp, table, breakable object in the house. Adorable.), including brother’s wooden train set. Release the Hound!

H from H takes Galen aside and tells him that this sports shit is making them act like little boys, and that child level microwaves and autolock doors are much more appropriate. Galen is duly chastised and retreats to his man cave with a magazine and a bottle of KY. Another lonely night.

Farah tells JP that she had an abnormal PAP smear and needs surgery. She needs to get pre-cancerous cells scraped off her cervix.

Fary is helping with the redecoration of Nadia’s house. If by helping you mean calling all of the furniture cheap and ugly, and blaming Brandon for the negative change in Nadia’s taste level. Nadia stands up for Michelle and tells her to shut up. Would be nice if she stood up for Brandon once in a while.

The photo shoot also takes place in the bathtub (yay!). Fary spends the entire shoot snarling and complaining. She takes issue when the photographer tells Nadia that he likes her house, calling the house/photo shoot/ etc. trashy.

YOUR WELCOME, GASMII

JP drives Farah to the doctor’s office, then leaves to find parking. Apparently, there are no parking places in NYC, so JP has to take the car home and walk back to the hospital, causing him to miss being there when Farah is ready to go home. Pandemonium ensues, and our girl is back to her old self as she berates and belittles him for Not Being There.

Nadia shows Fary the magazine pictures, and Fary reiterates that her house is ugly and not homey. Fary tells Nadia will never be happy until she (Fary) tells her she is. Nadia tells her that it is her house, her life, and her furniture, and Fary needs to get a fucking life. She still doesn’t defend Brandon, though.

Danny comes all the way from California to NYC and brings Farah breakfast in bed. He tells her that he actually flew there to take care of JP, not her. If by “take care of” you mean fisting and BJ’s.

Farah tells Danny she is freaked out so his eggs have to wait and talks a lot about how beautiful she is.

I’M YOUR NEEDIEST MOST BEAUTIFUL FRIEND, RIGHT??

Well that’s it for another week, Gasmii! What do you think? Should parents push their kids into vicariously living their dreams/regrets? Is Farah really worried, or making an excuse not to donate her eggs but still remain a hero? Is Kelly a paragon of health? Is Fary Mother of the Year?

Time to hit the fun sized Milky Way bars! See you on the other side of my sugar high!