Eden with her EDEN DOLL.
Howdy, Gasmii! First, thanks for your comments on the Minicap. I was as shocked as you to realize Mickie is not in her 60s. Because there’s no way she looks 46!
Speaking of age, my birthday is coming up next week. Just in case anyone wants to get me something, the new iPad would be a nice gift. I also never turn down an attractively-wrapped box of cash. Just sayin’. . .
On to our ep! We open in NYC with Andrew saying he’s set up a meeting for Eden with a broadway producer, Tom D’Angora. Surprisingly, Tom is not wearing a sweater. I am a firm believer that if your name says it, you must do/wear it. Because otherwise, what’s the point? Example: with a name like this, could this guy have done anything else for a career? I think not.
Eden’s wearing some godawful outfit, complete with what appears to be a life preserver around her waist, along with a matching fascinator. Tom says he’s so happy hats are back. Um, Eden is not exactly the Duchess of Cambridge, Tom. Also, is the life preserver some sort of backhanded tribute to the Titanic anniversary?
And about as effective.
Eden shares she can tell Tom loves her. Right . . . Tom asks what Eden’s going to sing, and she says Underpuppy, a song she wrote. Here’s a tip: if someone 6 years old says they wrote a song, and that person does not have “Mozart” as a last name, do not let them sing it! Tom says that Eden is a songwriter, ak-TRESSE (his pronunciation), lyricist and supermodel and asks if she dances. Eden “dances” and Tom shares she’s adorable and “definitely like nothing I’ve seen before”. So’s a nuclear war, and no one wants one of those either.
Boom! Nice to meet ya! I’m just an underpuppy tryin’ to make it in this world.
The gist of the song is that Eden is an underpuppy, which appears to be her way of saying “underdog”. I am not sure how she can be an underdog since didn’t she used to win all her pageants? Or is she an underdog in the wider world of entertainment? In which case she’s not an underdog. She’s untalented. Huge diff.
After Eden finishes “singing”, Tom asks if she knows what enunciation is (oh snap!), and Eden says “me and my mom call it spitting my words out”. That Mickie, just the epitome of class.
And beauty. And chins.
Tom shares that he can’t cast Eden in any major production right now because she’s not ready (“and never will be” is strongly implied), but the potential is there. Potential for what, he never quite says. He recommends Eden get a vocal coach. Mickie shares that she will get Eden that coaching. Well, for 10 minutes, as we see later. Andrew shares this was a wakeup call that Eden is not invincible. It’s not to Mickie, though. I can guarantee that.
Now we’re in Indianapolis to meet what sounds like Ime. Or Ivy? We see her cheer/pageant coach, Nick. Mickie says it’s unusual to have a male coach. No, Mickie, in pageants it’s not unusual at all. Which you should know, having been around pageants for years. Dumba-s. Mickie cattily says she wants to see where Ime/Ivy is in the pageant world. Now we hear the name as Idy. All righty then, Idy/Ime/Ivy. Take your pick.
The so-called E-Team. Steer clear, especially of the broad on the right.
Nick says that Idy/Ime/Ivy has been in 15 pageants and usually wins ultimate grand supreme. He has a pageant background too – he’s a “female illusionist”. Oh, you mean DRAG QUEEN. This is Logo, Nick. Don’t beat around the bush. Eden thinks Nick is fabulous. Her mom, not so much. Nick says that Idy/Ime/Ivy is ready for the national level. He’s going to position her as a “cheer-lebrity”.
Fran, who hates Nick from the get-go, asks who does Idy/Ime/Ivy’s makeup and he says he does. He starts to describe what he does, and immediately Fran and Heather jump all over him saying don’t put bottom lashes on. (WhatEVER). So they immediately turn against Nick. He shares that he’s trying to learn, but they’re acting like “divas” (again, Nick this is Logo. Just say effing b-tches) and they’ve shut the door on him. From Fran’s immediate hostile attitude toward Nick, she seems homophobic. I hate that. And her.
Mickie wants to see Nick in action, so Idy/Ime/Ivy does her pageant walk. How was it? Let me quote Andrew: “I’d rather be laying in a dentist’s chair getting my teeth cleaned counting the cracks in the ceiling”. Nick critiques Idy/Ime/Ivy saying she should not take such big steps. Then Mickie says in her honest opinion the walk was “very programmed” and Idy/Ime/Ivy showed no emotion. She shares “I am a robot” and laughs. Witch. Eden does her pageant walk and everyone watches. I have to say, Eden’s pageant walk is lovely. Nick says he found the critique very useful. Then Eden suggests they all do the pageant walk, with predictable results. Nick honey, drag walking is not pageant walking. Just FYI. Eden says they have to get that “boom boom pow”. Not sure what that’s code for – pizazz? Cocaine? A gun?
A little to your right, Eden.
Moving on, we’re back in NYC to meet with “vocal coach extraordinaire” Steven Sorentino, who’s been performing since he was 5. He asks Eden what she loves about performing, and she says it’s fun. Oh, FYI this is the segment where Mickie looks especially drunk. We hear Eden doing an execrable Australian “accent” saying “throw another shrimp on the barbie”, and Mickie bursts out with “that’s my baby” and cackles. Steven asks if Eden does English. Honey, she can barely speak English. She “does” English (poorly) and Mickie bursts out laughing again, then says she can’t help it (oh, is it the liquor talking?) and then says “Mama’s sorry, Mama behave”. Yep. Definitely drunk off her a-s. Steven asks Eden if Mickie does this all the time, and Eden shares “rrrr” which is actually pretty spot-on.
Steven then leads Eden through some scales. Quelle freaking surprise, she’s not on key. After that, Steven starts to talk to the E-Team but Eden won’t stand still, she’s spinning around. Steven tells her if she does that to a director while he’s talking, she’ll be out of a job. That makes no impression on her because her only “job” has been participating in events where every whim is indulged.
Steven shares he hopes they don’t get too caught up in “she’s a star” (because she’s NOT) and says Charles Manson is famous too but “I wouldn’t want to see him onstage”. Actually, I would much prefer seeing Charles Manson to Eden. But point taken.
Reader poll: Would you prefer to see this:
OW! My eyes!
I may be a murderer but I’m totes less cray-cray than anyone in pageants.
If you’re a regular reader you know I try to work Manson into my recaps as much as possible. When someone like Steven just hands me a Manson reference – my hat’s off to you, sir. Thank you for making my job easier.
Mickie, who continues to be as freaking dense as possible, completely misreads Steven’s polite kiss-off (just like the A&M guy’s last week) and says they’d love to have him work with Eden. He says sure, especially if she’s preparing for a big audition. Because a guy’s got to make a living.
So’s a gal. Here’s Eden’s new career selling Mary Kay.
Or she could run Christian TV Network TBN:
Cause this is a dead ringer for:
We then go back to Indianapolis to see Nick coaching. He says it’s difficult for Idy/Ime/Ivy to not look rehearsed. Idy/Ime/Ivy’s mother has for some reason a huge fake flower in her hair, and the shiniest face ever. Why has no one ever heard of powder? Idy/Ime/Ivy shares that Nick is serious about winning. That does not, of course, distinguish him from any other adult in any pageant anywhere.
Pageant day, and Fran is making up Idy/Ime/Ivy which of course means a) she’s doing such a piss-poor job Stevie Wonder could tell how bad it is; b) she’s jacking up the poor girl’s hair; c) she is way behind, and d) she’s in a bad mood. Aaaannnndddd now more homophobia. Nick has the audacity to calmly and politely mention the pageant has already started. Fran says she’s “the bomb” and is responsible for getting Idy/Ime/Ivy on stage on time. Nick asks her to continue to work because she’s running behind. And now Fran starts screaming, tells Nick “this is my section. You’re a nobody” and when Nick responds “That’s attractive”, screams for security. He’s the girl’s coach. He’s not going anywhere, you little b-tch. Oh, did I say little? I meant slatternly and overweight homophobic b-tch with bad makeup and hair.
Fransoly’s daughter. Love the spelling of “she’s”. Pure Klass! Also her name is NOT pronounced “Diane-ly”, as you would think from how it’s (mis)spelled. It’s pronounced Dee-uh-nelly.
Commercial. And we return to more screaming. Nick steps outside and observes that Fran seems to have some anger issues. Ya think? Andrew is excited that Nick stood up to her. Finally just in time, Idy/Ime/Ivy is ready, with yet more effed-up hair. She goes onstage, and Nick says onstage she becomes the superstar we know she is. Idy/Ime/Ivy actually does very well in beauty and in talent, where she uses her cheer/tumbling skills. Idy/Ime/Ivy says she rocked the talent, and she’s right. Eden says she was “ultimate grand supreme good”. Say what you want about Mickie, et al., but Eden actually has a heart.
Poor kid. It’s wasted on her handlers.
And the Elite Supreme Enchilada Con Mole award goes to — Jasmine. Mickie is “dumbfounded”. No, dear, you’re just dumb. She challenges the judges, who explain it was close but Jasmine scored higher. Duh! Just like, oh, every other pageant in the universe. Eden says she’s proud of Idy/Ime/Ivy. Again, the 6-year-old is the only one with a soupcon of maturity.
Now Mickie says she wants to “get to the bottom” of what’s going on with her team. Well, you hired at least 2 people with serious mental illness, one of whom hates gays. That’s what’s “going on”.
So Mickie, the rest of the E-Team and Nick go to
hash it out scream at each other. Heather tells Fran people won’t (or don’t, couldn’t tell – or maybe it’s both) work with her because of her behavior. Mickie says to never act out in front of kids. Nick says he sought out the E-Team and received negativity from the staff. He says all he asks for is professionalism. Mickie agrees. Then Nick says he’s not sure he wants to be part of it anymore. Heather yells at Nick, Fran opens the door, and Nick says Eden is the star, all they’re doing is riding on her coattails. Tou.Che! And then Ms. Homophobe says he’s just jealous because she was born with a veejayjay and he wasn’t. No you cracker, he’s not. He’s a drag queen, not transgender! But I’m sure Fransoly wouldn’t know the difference, haters never do. Nick tries to ask what that has to do with anything, and Fran shouts bye and shuts the door on him, to much cackling from her fellow E-Team members. What lovely human beings cretins they are.
Eden shares that she wants them all just to get along.
Which works about as well as when Rodney King said it.
And that’s the end of this ep. I did some research on the Interwebs today, and it looks like we have 6 more eps of this series to “enjoy”. Because Logo never cancels anything in its first run, so we’re stuck with this through June. Brace yourselves, kids!
See you next week, when I’ll share what birthday presents
I received bought for myself. And yes, I will be taking advantage of IHOP’s free Birthday Breakfast. Because they have all those flavors of syrup, which I carefully, one at a time, pour in a thin stream over a portion of my pancakes so each section is a different delicious syrup flavor. Once a year I indulge my inner child. The rest of the time I send it away to boarding school.
That’s best, dear. Especially when they won’t give you the RESPECT you would get from ANY STRANGER ON THE STREET.
See you next week!
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