Howdy, Gasmii! I am enjoying some delicious plain potato chips. Because sometimes, you don’t want the fancy-schmancy flavors or offbeat ingredients. You just want a regular, classic potato chip. It’s like the Amish of chips.
C’mon. You know you want one.
Thus fortified, let’s get into our ep.
We’re back in Hattiesburg MS, apparently the pageant capital of the South. Samantha “Sammy”, who is 12, has sent a letter to — well, to whom? Not Eden, she can’t read. Shparkle, I guess – saying her mother wants her to stop with the pageants, and Sammy wants the E-Team’s help in getting her mother to knock it off.
Lori, the mom, says bad women on pageant mom boards “bash” her. Sad horns. They said she beat Sammy if she didn’t win! First, why are you on the boards, and if you are, why are you looking at threads about yourself? Second, exactly how polite are you, Lori? Third, if you put yourself in the public spotlight, you have to deal with folks’ reaction. Not everyone is going to like you. That’s life. Get a grip.
Shparkle says she’s been bashed on the boards too. She shares you have to either shut it out and focus, or else quit. Eden pipes up with some treacly “don’t quit” stuff.
I be pageantin’, they be hatin’.
Heather suddenly asks if their problems are with the Grimleys.
I must say, that’s a terrible accusation and it makes me completely mental!
Is there an entire family of Grimleys? Grimlii? Guess we’ll find out later. In response to Heather, Lori says they’ll see the troublemakers on Saturday at the pageant. Oooh suspense.
Shparkle then says “I keep my opinions to myself for the most part”. WHEN? Give us one instance of you ever shutting your yap. EVER. Thought so! She goes on to say “we do our talkin’ in other ways”.
Out of her a-s, presumably.
She then says “we’re going to share some stuff with you that’s far bigger than pageants”. Is it Come to Jesus time?
No. It’s See What a Star Eden
is allegedly is time, again. Shparkle says they need to seize opportunities to do whatever Eden has to do, wherever they’re at. Does a 6-year-old have to do anything? Well, apparently she has to record. We now go to what seems like a basement, rec room or somebody’s garage to hear Eden record Country Queen. While Eden “sings”, Shparkle, Heather and Cutabitch stand behind the “sound engineer” and sway to the music, kind of like lumbering rhinos.
Here are the only 2 lines of Country Queen that were intelligible: “My John Deere’s pink/And my lawn is green”. And then Eden “sings” a bunch of garbled words that I could not make out at all. Yeah, great future in singing – or acting – if no one can understand you. And didn’t you and Shparkle get advice a couple of weeks ago to, as you so charmingly put it, spit the words out? So do it!
In the middle of all this, Andrew comes in and wonders (to the viewers) why they couldn’t even call him to book a studio with up-to-date equipment and a sound engineer who actually looks professional. Aloud, he asks Shparkle why they’re recording in MS instead of NYC. Shparkle says “we’re here”. Can’t argue with that well-reasoned and cogent argument. Cutabitch says a studio is a studio regardless of where it is. First, shut up. Second, a studio is a studio, but somebody’s spare room isn’t. Eden shares Andrew is “shushy pushy”. Why is every phrase that comes out of Eden’s mouth either hackneyed beyond belief or nonsensical?
Now Lori and Sammy show up, and Sammy “raps”. Well, she calls it rap. I call it awful. She and Eden are well matched, I’ll say that. Two white girls speaking the language of the streets to their peeps.
Impressed by this show of talent, Lori says she thinks there are “bigger things out there”. Well, yes there are bigger things “out there”. Like
Yay for stating the freaking obvious, Lori.
And now we get to the adultery/dolphin discussion. Andrew invites Heather to coffee so they can have it out. He says he’s noticed Shparkle and Eden are distancing themselves from him, and blames Heather. She retorts they need her to protect them from the sharks. Andrew says it takes a shark to know a shark, and Heather says “adultery” (later revealed to be “a dolphin”) could kick a shark’s a-s. Sidebar: it may not kick a shark’s a-s, but apparently adultery kicks John Edwards’ a-s. Just sayin’.
Andrew says he doesn’t mind being a shark, and Heather says she doesn’t mind being a dolphin. I don’t mind THROWING SOMETHING THROUGH MY TV. Heather says Andrew only cares about money and it’s not just business to her, it’s personal. Andrew responds that he doesn’t care, she needs to get in the car and buckle up. Heather then says he’s on her turf, and she’s been doing this for a long time, to which Andrew responds “You want to play management wars? Let’s go”. I want to play “fire everyone”. Guess how that game is played?
Commercial. And thanks for MrsMiaWallace who answered the question on everyone’s mind in her comment on the Minicap: yes, dolphins can kill sharks. (I’m chuffed that we actually have a Marine Biologist Gasmii! Or at least one who knows something about dolphins -same diff!) How do they do it? They rush at the shark’s weakest area, its underbelly. Just like Heather then, hitting below the belt. Dolphins don’t attack unless they’re provoked or protecting injured dolphins, though. So that’s the big difference – dolphins are way more ethical than Heather.
We return to NYC and go to Beach Bum Tanning, a tanning establishment that is interested in putting together a sunless tanning product line for Eden. Andrew shares he’s going to show Heather how to manage a brand. Nicole and Dante are the owners, and Dante says there are very few celebrity endorsements for sunless tanning products. Yes, and they’re all trainwrecks too: Kardashians, Lohan. . .
Heather immediately interrupts and won’t let Dante even give the details of his proposal or show them any products. She keeps insisting on a signed contract before they can talk. Andrew tells her there’s nothing to be skeptical about, and Heather keeps saying they won’t do anything without a contract. Shparkle shares this could be a great deal, and Andrew has really come through. Eden pipes up and says she wants vanilla, strawberry and cherry. What? Popsicles? Slurpees? Strawberry Shortcake dolls?
Speaking of, here’s Strawberry’s friend, Blueberry Muffin.
And what can only be her archrival and superskank, Cherry Jam.
Is it just me, or do these sound like stripper names?
Apparently the vanilla, strawberry and cherry Eden’s talking about are flavors for her sunless tanning product. That’s nice. Make a product for kids that smells like food so they’ll eat it and poison themselves. Well, less competition in the cut-throat world of child superstardom, I guess.
I hate to admit it, but this round goes to Heather. She’s right to insist on a signed contract before there’s any discussion. Don’t think I’m going soft on you, Gasmii. This is the first and last time I’ll have anything positive to say about her!
Now we see Sammy and Lori back in MS, getting a call from Shparkle and Eden, who are inexplicably crouched on the filthy sidewalk in NYC. Are they auditioning for a revival of Les Miserables?
Miserable and scantily clad. Must be pageant gals.
Shparkle tells Lori that if children want to pursue something, “parents have to bite their tongue and go on down the road”. Or actually parent properly.
And here’s our cheese portion of the show, where we meet Asiago*, a designer who likes sparkles and bling. How revolutionary for a gay designer! Asiago wants Eden in his upcoming Fashion Week show. Funny, I read Tom & Lorenzo’s blog every day, and I don’t recall their extensive Fashion Week coverage ever mentioning Asiago or, for that matter, any cheese-named designers at all. So I question where this “fashion show” will be. I foresee another garage/rec room since Asiago appears to have his atelier in a corner of his living room. Asiago describes himself as a “designer, an artist, a philanthropist and a humanitarian” who is inspired by “God and Love” and shares he “kind of has the golden touch. I feel like I always touch celebrities before they blow up to mega stardom”.
Or get a restraining order.
Just FYI, Asiago, giving a quarter to the homeless is not philanthropy, and sleeping with chunky guys doesn’t make you a humanitarian.
It doesn’t? C’est fromage.
Asiago asks if Eden’s done runway before, and she demos her “modeling” as Shparkle tells her to “show them what you can do, sister”. Asiago says he’s considering Eden opening his show. She’s his “little Barbie doll” and he loves “sequins, glitter and little divas”. Heather shares that she thought this was a joke. Shparkle shares that she loved Asiago’s personality, but that’s “as far as it’s going to go” and this isn’t right for Eden.
They leave, and Asiago shares he’d like to be a pageant mom. You’re almost there already. honey.
We return to NYC where Shparkle is trying to train Eden. Too little, too late is my thought. Apparently Eden has a “purple cow theory” which is not a theory but yet another one of Eden’s little insufferably trite catchphrases. Shparkle says when Eden wants to fidget – which is 99% of the time when a director – or anyone – is talking to her, she is supposed to think “purple cow stand still”. How does thinking of a purple cow make someone stand still? Wouldn’t it be better to think of the Taj Mahal or a mountain or the Empire State Building or something that is inanimate and hence stands still? Cows move around all the time. And why “purple”? Is this at all related to the charming poem gun kata posted in the Minicap comments:
I’ve never seen a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But, I can tell you this right now
I’d rather see than be one.
But there’s no mention in the poem of standing still! Also, what’s wrong with purple cows? I’d rather be a purple cow than Eden. ‘Cause a purple cow wouldn’t have Shparkle as a mother.
Eden interrupts Shparkle to say she gets it, to which Heather responds no she doesn’t or she wouldn’t have interrupted her mother. In comes Andrew with his puppy, and he has “amazing news” that Eden has been invited to be in a celebrity and dog fashion show at the New Yorker hotel. Shparkle says she’s “gotta give it to you” (please god, no). We now see Eden posing on the red carpet, and Heather shares “I can take her to the pound and take some shots of her with dogs”. Or with Cutabitch – saves a trip.
I’ve got 99 problems and a b-tch IS one of them.
Heather goes on to say they could have gone to Westminster because “this is a dog show, not a fashion show”. What tipped you off, Heather, the fact that Andrew described this as a dog show? This is 1.5 on career advancement, per Heather. Oh, as opposed to the 0.0 on career advancement you’ve scored so far?
Inside, Eden is prancing down the catwalk with Andrew’s poor scared dog, Ella, as we hear that execrable Underpuppy song again. Andrew says we should call him Hulk Hogan. And Muhammad Ali. Whatevs. And no.
Back to this never-ending show. How can a show that is allegedly 30 minutes – 22 minutes after commercials – last longer than the Ring Cycle?
Es ist ein Meisterwerk! Auch, warum gibt es eine Ente auf meine Kopf?
We’re in MS for the pageant. Is this the same pageant as last week? How many trumped-up pageants can one tiny town hold? Shparkle advises Lori to let all the haters fall by the wayside. Andrew goes over to talk to one of the Grimlii and says her bad reputation precedes her, and jealousy is a sickness. She just looks at him. Score: Grimlii 1, Andrew zip. Shparkle then comments Andrew is a “one-trick pony”. No, he’s a jackass. Same genus though.
We see Sammy in her talent, with Shparkle bellowing “yew go gurrl” and some woman (another Grimlii?) looking at Sammy. So . . . they . . . look. Wow. That’s brutal. I can see why Lori is so bent out of shape. People look at someone up on a stage? These Grimlii are diabolical! Score: Grimlii infinity, Lori nil.
Weird-looking, not a threat. You could probably distract them with something shiny. Or a Twinkie.
Shparkle says Sammy’s phenomenal, and Eden says she’s “got game”. Predictably, Sammy wins Grand Supreme Flautas con Pepita Sauce.
Is this the new “street” way to wear a crown?
Lori says she’ll let Sammy continue in pageants. What a nailbiter this ep was!
Bravely soldering on.
Just so we end on a depressing and disgusting note, Heather then confronts Andrew to tell him to stop antagonizing people, to which Andrew responds if they don’t want him to approach someone, he needs guidance. Here’s your guidance, Andrew. STFU. Always.
And here’s your sign: You’re on Eden’s World and you’re taking it seriously.
Heather retorts she’s lost count of how many times she’s told him to stay away from pageant moms. Andrew says she treats him like an a-shole and doesn’t appreciate “a goddamn thing I do” for Eden. Heather – screaming by this point, as is Andrew – says if he treats her with respect maybe he’ll get some.
And now as promised, that shot of Heather in her khaki pants.
She’s Lagerfeld’s new muse, you know.
Shparkle shares she’s tired of being the “eye of the storm”. I think she means “between Scylla and Charybdis”, but we can’t expect a teacher to make a classical reference, can we?
Well, THIS one, yes. Point taken, Mr. Sumner.
Heather shouts Andrew is trying to make her like him (um, no idiot, he’s trying to drive you out) and it’s not going to happen, Andrew shouts back that he’s trying for “her”, and Heather tells him to move on.
Shparkle winds up the show by saying that if either Andrew or Heather thinks she’ll pick their side they have a “bitter pill to taste. Because the only side this old girl is ever gonna pick is Eden’s”.
Not this guy? SO thought you were besties. Or are you just two-timing Mr. Daniels?