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Monday, May 21, 2012
9:00 am
35 Comments
Tagged: AA, Al-Anon, cutabitch, Eden Wood, fransolonely, logo, Mickie Wood, pageants, pandora boxx, pennydreadful, reality, reality show, recap, recaps, ripley-grier, ron jeremy, snarky, TV, tvgasm
Howdy, Gasmii! Wow, thanks so much for the great inside info in your comments on the Minicap! Why am I totally not surprised that Cutabitch was knocking back shots????
Given that and the general booze-soaked atmosphere of this series, here are 10 questions often used to help folks realize they need help. In that spirit, let’s go ahead and answer them on Shparkle’s and Cutabitch’s behalf.
1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
Hell yes! Shparkle doesn’t even work, and Cutabitch must be losing a lot of business since she had to get this gig.
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
Well, it certainly explains why we never see Mr. Shparkle or Mr. Cutabitch.
3. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
4. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
Not sure either of these gals even know what “remorse” is (or they confuse it with a hangover), but let’s say yes to this one too.
5. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
If by “definite time” you mean “every waking minute” then yes!
6. Do you want a drink the next morning?
Claro que si!
7. Do you drink alone?
Alone, with others, while on camera . . .
8. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Well if they have they wouldn’t remember it, would they? So let’s say yes to this one.
9. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or your business? See #3.
10. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution as a result of drinking?
Probably not, but it’s highly recommended. Especially the “institution” part.
Score: 9 out of 10. Paging Dr. Drew!
Um, no. You’re on your own with this one.
Getting back to the Minicap comments, again I was not surprised to hear that these “pageants” were really just put-up jobs created for the show. Unlike T&T which are real pageants! Yes, I am aware that I’m using T&T as an exemplar of “reality”. Oy.
In this ep, we met Berri and Michelle, a daughter and mother who are going to compete in yet another trumped-up “pageant”. They live in Hattiesburg, MS. Berri is 12 and says Eden inspired her to do glitz pageants. She’s only competed in one pageant, but won Grand Supreme Chili Con Queso.
Berri’s really pretty. She won’t be once Cutabitch gets her hands on claws into her.
Of course, Mom did pageants between 12 and 20, and is seeking to recapture her former glory, 2o years and at least 30 pounds and a ton of sun damage later. Nothing like living in reality.
We see Berri’s dress, and it’s awful. Then Mom demos her beauty walk, as Shparkle slurs “Mrs. Division”. Eden corrects Michelle’s walk, and Heather says Michelle is old-school. For some reason, Michelle shares that Berri is “skeletal”. Which she’s not. She’s a normal healthy weight. So whatever.
Sidebar: Oh god, Adele is on again on the radio station I listen to. Why is their playlist comprised of 10 songs? I’ll set fire to you if you don’t stop singing about that damned rain. By the way, if you’re curious, yes you can set fire to rain. Here’s how. Because at the Gasm we’re all about education. Unlike Shparkle.
Back to the ep, and we see Eden demo a correct beauty walk. Shparkle says that’s a life lesson. Then she says, for no reason that I can see other than that she’s drunk off her a-s, to get “Daddyso moneyo” for a “new dresso”. Shuto theo effo upo. Also, does she think Berri and Michelle are Hispanic, and is that her attempt at Spanish? You try that in LA and you’ll get your asso kickedo.
Go ahead, chica, try it.
Everyone goes to a dress shop, where both Berri and Michelle try on dresses. At one dress, Heather and Cutabitch loudly mock Michelle with a “chicken” impersonation. Beyotches.
As ugly inside as out.
Also, it’s completely unwarranted. This is a pretty dress on her.
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35 Comments
Oh thank you SOOOOOO much, PennyD. I googled Ron Jeremy and now that little search will be on my record for, like, evah! I can just hear my eulogy now… Well not really but…
*sigh*
Back to your fun recap.
Yes! Let’s put Spharkle, cutabitch, and Heather (she seems sober, but whatever) in rehab! Let Eden go to school while they are “away.” Then, cutabitch needs to learn how to do hair and makeup because once shparkle sobers up she’ll realize what cutabitch’s been doing in her all important “space.”
Her Spanish is better than her English…
Only Franstupidname could take a beautiful girl and make her ugly…this is no accident, people. Again I cry revenge for Micki not allowing Deeyannelleii any screen time. I bet she laughs her ass off when they’re onstage!
Ash, you are right about the evil cutabitch. She needs to get a grip Shparkle barely wants to given EDEN camera time.
Oh, and Mickey, if you’re reading… copy and paste the following into the search box on bing, google, or yahoo: teach child to read. There are sites that will teach Eden FOR you. Don’t bother to be offended. Just fix it. Now.
OMG Penny D. I simply cannot read your recaps at the office. My boss: “What’s going on down there?”
Me: “Sorry, just reading the recap on Eden’s World, a little bit too funny to not laugh like a hyena at my desk.”
My boss: ” A re what?” Shut up schmuck, I’m still laughing!!! Seriously, did Cutabitch get a hairdresser certificate on line? At the mall? WTF??? If she EVER did my do in any of the styles I have seen on EW, I would have to take her scissors and stcik them where the sun don’t shine. Mickie, I mean Spharkle have another drink on me, this train wreck is so bad I just can’t stop watching!!!
Michelle looks lovely in the dress stupid Heather and cutabitch are mocking. I need a derisive name for Heather mostly because she doesn’t look too Heatheresque. Anyway, useless manager and cutabitch have no room to make fun of anyone.
Ugh @gun kata you are so totally right about Heather (I hadn’t even bothered to learn her name until now). I was actually expecting to see a screen grab of her in the pageant “audience” with her too tight khakis pulled up to her boobs. Oy vey woman you’re on TV! Get a stylist or something.
Oh, and Shparkle should be ashamed of herself for being so rude to that woman and LYING TO HER FACE about Eden’s reading capabilities. Eden said herself she can’t read. Who are we to believe? That poor kid. Sigh.
amyOoo, schparkle HAS no shame.
amyOoo, schparkle HAS no shame. And at least Heather has the good sense not to go to Fransolonely for style advice.
I’ve never seen a makeup job like that outside of Halloween.
My iPad hates me. It let’s me believe i haven’t sent a comment, so I add to it, and guess what.
TRAIN. WRECK. And I love it! Didn’t Andrew call Heather Hillbilly Heather a few episodes ago? That seems to work. When she and Fransolonely were mocking the mom, was anyone shocked? That’s the kind of professional coaching that only the E-Team can provide. Low-klass trash.
Also, there is NO WAY she got a real call-back, that kid is awful. But I do think she’d be a great host on some E! show someday – I mean, out of all of them, she’s the nicest and most grounded. Too bad she’ll have so much trouble with the teleprompter!
These shows are such brain candy. God bless this country and its addiction to crap.
I give Berri a lot of credit for being the most professional person in the room.
I think Eden gets less and less attractive as she ages. She thinks she’s hot stuff, but the photo at the beginning of the recap says it all. Ugh.
Oh PennyD-you bring the good times! My throat is my instrument, lol. I once heard Ron Jeremy refer to his weiner as a skin flute, so thanks for bringing that memory back.
WTF is Cutabitch drinking that causes her to become a stylist from Truvi’s in Steel Magnolias?
I don’t watch this show (we don’t get it in Canada) but your recaps are great! The Ron Jeremy joke was freakin’ hilarious! Also, my daughter has done commercials and films for years and a callback is NOT being booked for a job – it is, like it sounds, a recall for a second reading. I’d be surprised if anything came from Eden’s being called back to read a second time. And good for the talent agent for telling Mickey like it is – a child who wants to act needs to have above average reading and diction skills, as well as acting ability. Mickey is not going to be able to pull the wool over peoples’ eyes in NYC, and they’re not going to give a rat’s ass about any of Eden’s “successes” in the pageant world.
Extra points for the Ron Jeremy reference. Chances of this show betting renewed? About the same as Eden getting a real job in show business?
I would love this show if I didn’t feel so bad for Eden. The E team is ruining this child.
Mickie was offended because someone finally called her out on something that isn’t a matter of opinion; she can’t read, it’s a fact. Call her a “beginning reader” to save face but the agent is right. Eden inability to read will hurt her – in show business and everywhere else. No way to sparkle that sh*t up. I
WTF is wrong with these people? (I mean besides the alcoholism and histrionic personality disorder) I couldn’t wait to learn to read and afterward I was at the library every other day. I love to read. The point is, reading isn’t just a neat trick to impress your party guests but might be, hopefully, (with God’s intervention) it become something Eden enjoys. At least then, she’ll have the opportunity to learn there’s a whole world outside of the E Team train.
I am so glad people mentioned Heather’s clothing. I cringe every time I see her and think but OMG you’re walking around Manhattan looking like that? NYC has gorgeous clothes.
Logo needs to call a protective service intervention on Shparkle.
Or she’s going to be hauling her 12 yr old beginning reader around to agent after audition. Waving those Photoshop artist interpretations of Eden’s 6 yr old head in people’s face. And hollering about how the industry doesn’t know how to recognize that high a level of talent.
@PennyD, I’m so sorry you are subjected to this show but as we can’t get it here in Canada I thank you for the recaps. You are so right about the reading part, I was reading fully at 3, childrens books but still I could read. I love reading now and can’t imagine it not being part of my life.
@Djmacaronisalad, I too think the E team is ruining this child. Mickie needs to wake up and realize she’s not doing Eden any good by doing this show, in my opinion she’s actually showing the world what an idiot she is for spending so much money to make Eden “famous” on nothing.
I’m a bit confused as to how they can afford all of this on a school teachers salery. Is the show paying for their expenses?
Has Micki ever SEEN a Broadway show with kids in it. I’m guessing not, and she needs too. Those kids are sick talented! If she can see that and still think Eden is anywhere NEAR close to that, I just give the fuck up on this nut!
Extra points for the Ron Jeremy reference.
I’m hoping Ron Jeremy is either dead or can’t get it up anymore by the time Eden is eighteen, otherwise there is a better chance of those two being co-stars than anything else Eden could possibly be offered in show business.
Perfectly correct about Mickie or Sparklebabybee… she is in denial about that little girl. I can say one thing.. the Agent Heather at least she is not blind to the fact the little girl cant read. She admits it.. Sparkle is only thinking of herself. If you really put it out there she is neglecting that poor child.. She is 7 for goodness sake.. and she CANT READ.. feel so sorry for this child.. as this is not the only thing she has been left behind on. Please LOGO get this crap off of the tv and call child services on this woman.
Yes, Mickey and the entire E team needs to see a Broadway show with kids. Because kids who can sing, dance, act, and READ their own scripts have a hard time getting cast sometimes. Also, if the kid has pain in the butt parents/management, the kid is likely not to get cast.
When Eden shows up with an entourage and they are these crazy people, that is a red flag to people. Heather’s hopelessly out of style and so is Mickey. I can’t imagine how much they stand out in New York. Also, what is Eden even marketing herself as? A singer? (Ha!) A dancer? (Um, no.) An actress? (Dunno, I am on recaps only at this point.) A model? (Probably her best shot, but I don’t know that models are a big part of Broadway shoes.)
Also, I hate to say it… but, one only has to look at the similarities between Mickey and Eden’s faces to see where Eden will wind up. About the only good thing would be people probably think Eden has some years and some alcohol before she gets there. But, it’s a fact some kids go through an ugly phase. For Eden’s sake, I HOPE she doesn’t.
If Mickey wants to do this she needs New York management. She needs to pick one person to go in with Eden (I mean into where they have the aaudition, not necessarily into the actual audition.) And if she chooses herself, she needs to be quiet. Speak only when necessary and don’t embellish. Save “that’s my baybee” for when she and Eden are alone again.
If cutabitch is contracted for this show, use her minimally. If she can be left out altogether, drop her. She is going to get them sued.
Also, with the amount of photoshopping done to Eden’s photos I don’t know why cutabitch is giving herself airs.
They don’t need to use their pageant stuff. Use those crappy photos that one guy took until they can get something better. Or use the photos taken for her most recent pageant without photoshopping. That might work if they are decent photographs. I don’t know.
But, Eden needs lessons STAT. Reading and writing first. Then other school. Then singing, dancing, and acting. After some lessons, it should be clear where her talents lie. If she has any. If she doesn’t start get her used to not being famous and send her back to school. (Well, school would be my choice, but I am trying to be realistic to what they’ll do.)
Gunny, beg to differ, but I hope Eden goes through her awkward stage very soon and nips this fantasy.
She is a creation of T&T, as, it seems is the next little reality “star”. I noticed during her Performances on that show that there were little girls far more talented and even more attractive than she. When she won with the talent of walking stiffly around the stage and knocking over her Elvis prop, that is when I called BS on T&T. To paraphrase Eleanor of Aquitaine in The Lion in Winter, ” she has rather too prominent teeth, but she chews with real distinction”.
Snowshoecat, I didn’t realize all of that. I have seen very little of T&T. But, what you say makes sense. I am just afraid Eden’s whole self image would be irreparably shattered. However, maybe it’d be good to get her out of the idea that she’s the cutest little thing in the world as soon as possible.
I honestly thought by the way they dress her and talk to her that she was younger than she really is. I think she is starting to see something of the world and realize a few things being around these girls she’s helping learn to pageant walk.
Oh, I just saw the episode before this. Eden may be able to act at some point, but she can’t do it naturally. And she doesn’t understand how to take direction. I think she’s just so used to her mother giving her instructions for every move she makes. How does Mickey think this will work on Broadway?
You know what Eden is such a beauty. I mean I get kinda taken aback by her beauty sometimes. I actually thought she did a good job for the first time at the audition. She really did look sad and had a more sweet and subdued personality and I think that won the casting directors over. I can see what they saw in her (if this is real and not set up). Eden was really sweet to her other little acting partner too. So I was impressed with that audition. I think a lot of it had to do with Mickie not being in the room. She did better without her there.
She really should be able to read basic words and sentences at age 6 barring some kind of learning disorder or delay. So that is concerning. I hope Mickie does not neglect this child’s education as she neglects all the other educational training for acting, dance, singing too.
@SSC: LOL. At least you HAVE an iPad. I’m still in the dark ages with my iPod Touch
One of these days I’ll get around to thinking more about the possibility of the chance that I could potentially one day in the somewhat near or perhaps far future look into purchasing an iPad of my own. Hee hee.
April, I haven’t seen this episode yet. But, Eden is pretty sweet to the girls she teaches to pageant walk. I think she wants friends. It’s nice she knows how to be sweet, but if she is surrounded by squabbling E team members their behavior may rub off on her.
Also, even though I think some of the people she meets thinks she’s cute and like her, they can’t figure out how what she can do coincides with what they do. Especially since she keeps getting sent into stuff ill-prepared. All of the erstwhile E team members should carry her head shot and resume literally everywhere they go.
I broke down and watched this on demand.
When Helen came in to talk to Eden, I got the impression Shparkle was expecting a job offer rather than any evaluation of Eden’s skills. I don’t think Helen expected Eden not be able to read her lines. Why would she? But, when confronted with the lackluster and half distracted manner in which Eden was mimic the lines Mickie read, what could she say?
Mickie, you ignoramous, she wasn’t insulting you. You snitting that you’d been an educator for 25 years old made matters worse. What kind of educator doesn’t educate their own child. If Eden really had been a “beginning reader” she should have been able to read a few of the words. Of course, you snatched the script from her quickly enough. And you didn’t even read it with conviction, so of course, to Eden it’s just ‘blah blah blah orange juice blah blah.’
You should have out the script in front of Eden and let her read it to you. That would have allowed you to help her with words she didn’t know. This would have taken only about a minute if Eden could read at least part of the script.
But, what is Eden supposed to do when she has to go in to an audition alone? Ask another kid to read her lines to her? So, if you’ve never thought of that and if you didn’t notice how bad her performance was with your line at a time plan, then sorry… you’re going to be an idiot sometimes.
The girl (Berri?) And her mother traveled from Texas to Mississippi to do this. Except for the spray tan on Berri (the product Eden’s involved with?) They were lovely. Shparkle commented they have beautiful teeth, which is true. The mom had competed in pageants back in the day. She was just nervous… maybe because Hillbilly Heather and cutabitch were making fun of her and more than just the feathery dress.
The Texas mom was prettier than the other two moms, but I think she also had the best dress. It was white and her daughter’s was pink. Mom got a sparkly white crown and daughter got a sparkly pink crown.
When mom was on the stage, dad looked so happy and admiring. That is, by far, one of the best things because it was sweet.
I don’t know why, but the mom’s self esteem had been rattled and the pageant was a way to help her. I really think Berri probably would rather be something besides a pageant girl because she’s only been in one though she may have been able to win a real one.
But, it was so, so mean of Heather and cutabitch to make fun of this woman. She was nice and polite. She and her daughter looked just fine although mom about fainted when she saw what cutabitch did to her little girl.
My fiance pointed out that no one dressed as a traffic cone had any right to talk about clothes.
I almost never use this as a reason, but they really were acting jealous. Pretty people have problems, too. But, even if she had been totally carefree, how can they make fun of her? Weren’t they there to help her?
Who else is going to want their “help” after this episode?
AmyO (30) I am soooo embarrassed. Your calling me out (gently with the emoticon and the hee hees, but still) made me realize that I really sounded like I was bragging. I really was upset because my old machine gets wonky and I get frustrated.
Didn’t mean to brag. I use it because I must for legitimate reasons I won’t go into. I can’t use a regular pc and the little notebooks came out long after I began using this.
*sigh*
poor eden.just think of all the mon ey mom and daddy payout and eden wont a cent when shes older..plus starting after the second or first eps all the pagents which is’nt as wrose then the last time eden was on t&t..the pagent was mangered by heather and guess who won the greatest pagent star title..EDEN WOOD!!! poor eden………………………maybe seseme street will hire her!!!!