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Howdy, Gasmii! Wow, thanks so much for the great inside info in your comments on the Minicap! Why am I totally not surprised that Cutabitch was knocking back shots????
Given that and the general booze-soaked atmosphere of this series, here are 10 questions often used to help folks realize they need help. In that spirit, let’s go ahead and answer them on Shparkle’s and Cutabitch’s behalf.
1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
Hell yes! Shparkle doesn’t even work, and Cutabitch must be losing a lot of business since she had to get this gig.
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
Well, it certainly explains why we never see Mr. Shparkle or Mr. Cutabitch.
3. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
4. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
Not sure either of these gals even know what “remorse” is (or they confuse it with a hangover), but let’s say yes to this one too.
5. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
If by “definite time” you mean “every waking minute” then yes!
6. Do you want a drink the next morning?
Claro que si!
7. Do you drink alone?
Alone, with others, while on camera . . .
8. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Well if they have they wouldn’t remember it, would they? So let’s say yes to this one.
9. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or your business? See #3.
10. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution as a result of drinking?
Probably not, but it’s highly recommended. Especially the “institution” part.
Score: 9 out of 10. Paging Dr. Drew!
Getting back to the Minicap comments, again I was not surprised to hear that these “pageants” were really just put-up jobs created for the show. Unlike T&T which are real pageants! Yes, I am aware that I’m using T&T as an exemplar of “reality”. Oy.
In this ep, we met Berri and Michelle, a daughter and mother who are going to compete in yet another trumped-up “pageant”. They live in Hattiesburg, MS. Berri is 12 and says Eden inspired her to do glitz pageants. She’s only competed in one pageant, but won Grand Supreme Chili Con Queso.
Of course, Mom did pageants between 12 and 20, and is seeking to recapture her former glory, 2o years and at least 30 pounds and a ton of sun damage later. Nothing like living in reality.
We see Berri’s dress, and it’s awful. Then Mom demos her beauty walk, as Shparkle slurs “Mrs. Division”. Eden corrects Michelle’s walk, and Heather says Michelle is old-school. For some reason, Michelle shares that Berri is “skeletal”. Which she’s not. She’s a normal healthy weight. So whatever.
Sidebar: Oh god, Adele is on again on the radio station I listen to. Why is their playlist comprised of 10 songs? I’ll set fire to you if you don’t stop singing about that damned rain. By the way, if you’re curious, yes you can set fire to rain. Here’s how. Because at the Gasm we’re all about education. Unlike Shparkle.
Back to the ep, and we see Eden demo a correct beauty walk. Shparkle says that’s a life lesson. Then she says, for no reason that I can see other than that she’s drunk off her a-s, to get “Daddyso moneyo” for a “new dresso”. Shuto theo effo upo. Also, does she think Berri and Michelle are Hispanic, and is that her attempt at Spanish? You try that in LA and you’ll get your asso kickedo.
Everyone goes to a dress shop, where both Berri and Michelle try on dresses. At one dress, Heather and Cutabitch loudly mock Michelle with a “chicken” impersonation. Beyotches.