Commercial. Did anyone see the eclipse? Of course I don’t mean “see” because if you did you would be blind. Any astrophysicist Gasmii want to explain why looking at the sun during an eclipse burns out your eyes, yet looking at a non-eclipse sun doesn’t? Never got that. If the moon is blocking the sun, isn’t there less sun to see?
Yay, RuPaul’s Drag U is coming back to Logo. Ru advises us to “be prepared to work the runway of life”. Now that’s goodadvice. Thank you, Ru!
Professor Pandora Boxx. Love!
Back to the show, and now we meet Helen from Primo Talent, whom Andrew has brought to meet the E-Team. Helen’s a talent manager, and she starts to interview Eden and Shparkle:
Does Eden have any theatrical training? “Just the talent God gave her”. So either Lady Gaga needs to re-write her song because God doesmake mistakes, or God hates Eden.
Why is it always MY fault?
Has Eden taken the standard classes, jazz, tap, ballet? Eden implies she’s had lessons. Liar.
Does Eden play an instrument? Aaaaannnndddd here is where Eden confirms her future career. Her answer is not “no”, or “yes”, or even “my voice is my instrument”. Mais non, she responds “my throat is my instrument”. MY. THROAT. Paging Ron Jeremy . . .
He doesn’t look like much from the waist up, but . . .
Helen says if Eden really wants to be an actor, she has to be versatile. Eden’s been at the pinnacle of success in pageants, but it won’t be that way with acting. She’ll have to humble herself a little bit.
Helen then says she wrote up a little commercial, and wants Eden to read it to her so Helen can see how natural she is. Shparkle says Eden is a “beginning reader”. Apparently that’s how people in Arkansas pronounce “illiterate”. Shparkle reads a line, and Eden parrots it back. As we saw last week, she can’t remember lines and can’t act. Also, Eden keeps her hands in front of her mouth and shows no emotion.
Helen interrupts to ask if they see what the problem is, and explains Shparkle’s reading the lines puts that reading in Eden’s head and “her creativity is now blocked”. Shparkle looks sullen, until Helen says that Eden really needs to know how to read. Shparkle then goes full-on hostile and says “she knows how to read. I’m really not liking where this is going. She’s fine”. Helen responds “let me put it this way. When you go on an audition they’re not going to let this go on”. Shparkle ripostes “I didn’t think this was supposed to be a meeting about my child learning to read. I’m really offended”. Helen says to not be offended, and says she’s been a manager for a long time. Shparkle interrupts her to say she’s been a teacher for 25 years and is “not an idiot”, 2 boldfaced lies. Because if Shparkle has ever taught anyone anything, it clearly wasn’t reading, or mathematics, or any useful knowledge or skill at all. Also, she isan idiot. Helen says eventually Eden is going to have to read. Shparkle says she’s “somebody who values education”. Oh really? Could’ve fooled us. Apparently she “knows my kid and I know what I’m doing. That’s not fair for you to come in here and say that. I’m very offended”. So how many “offended”s was that? 4? 5? I think more, I didn’t note every time Shparkle said that. Mostly because I’m just so fed up with this drunken fool.
Mah child kin so reed! She nos all th’laybels on mah jeen bottlz!
Helen then says again not to be offended. Shparkle gets all snotty and dismissive and says “I’ll keep you in mind”. Eden shakes hands with Helen, who leaves. Heather says she’s not sure why they had that meeting. Shparkle says she takes “one thing at a time” (obviously. What’s left of her brain can’t handle more than that) and “one day at a time”. In the name of all that’s Bill W, no you don’t, you alcohol-steeped liar!
I agree with Dr. Drew. Too far gone even for me.