We then go to Berri and Michelle doing their beauty walks, sniping at each other.
Why is there no commercial here? Or did I forget one? Let’s pretend there is one so we can talk about reading. What was I reading at 6? Novels. Biographies. Nonfiction. My parents taught us to read at a very young age. I clearly remember being in kindergarten the first day, when the teacher gave us each a book and said “Can anyone read any of these words”. I proceeded to read the entire copyright legend. (To which, by the way, she responded that I was a liar and/or had been coached. After testing, it was not surprisingly found I was reading far beyond my years/grade level. Do you think the teacher ever apologized? No. And as you can tell, I have never forgotten. Way to scar a kid!)
My folks said we could read any book in the library, as long as it wasn’t trash. So I was reading Faulkner and Fitzgerald and Hemingway in grade school. Sure, not everyone learns that early. But there’s no excuse for a kid being 6 (much less close to 7) and being illiterate, especially when said kid is making money and thus can afford, oh, tutors and books. Someone who allegedly “homeschools” as Shparkle says she does should be immersing her child in education. Instead, Shparkle has done nothing to equip her child for any sort of life. Illiterate, untrained, uneducated. Lovely. Just freaking lovely.
Back to the show, and we’re at Ripley-Grier, a place that clearly doesn’t know talent when they see it – or don’t. Andrew has set up an audition for a scripted TV show. He shares there are lots of other kids there that are the “cream of the crop”. Eden is shown into a room with other children and 2 women. They ask if there are any questions. Eden says she doesn’t know how to read. So she’s not just illiterate, she doesn’t understand what the word “question” means. Eden gives the gals her pageant shot – from years ago, it looks like – and in response to their question, says she’s “retired” and is “more of a famous person” now. Well, Eden, more or less.
Also more or less famous. You in 10 years, Eden.
Quelle freaking surprise, Eden forgets her line. Her “acting” is the same wooden delivery we’ve seen all series.
Oh, real commercial. Now we’re back to the gals, Lisa and Donna, who ask Eden “what does feeling bad look like”. If only they could see myface. Eden gives her “sad” face which basically looks like the botoxed Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. The gals tell Eden she did a good job, and Eden thanks her “acting” partner.
Clearly a method actress.
Back to pageant day in Mississippi, and Cutabitch (who we now know was drunk) is screaming she needs space. Oh, you mean outside your head? She also says she’s going to have a heart attack. As I said last week, BY ALL MEANS DO IT.
Here’s what she did to Berri:
As you can see, Berri’s hair is 2 completely different and contrasting colors and looks like a-s, the same as every other hapless gal in this series.
Berri goes on the stage and Shparkle drunkenly yells GIT IT GUURRRLLL. THAYT GUURRRLLLZ IN THE HAWSE.
Jesus wants his cross back.
Meanwhile, Michelle is talking herself into not passing out. It’s a fake pageant with 6 contestants. Get a grip!
There are CHAIRS STACKED UP IN THE PAGEANT ROOM. The only thing you should be nervous of is the stack of chairs falling on you.
Commercial, and that insufferable Sofia Vergara is in one. I’m convinced at home she talks like Martha Stewart and that accent is totally put on. Also, you’re not Lucy. M’kay? Although you are just as annoying as she was.